Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Morning everyone.

I haven't rtfl yet, but I will go back today and read through, but the parts I have read have in equal parts made me sad and also relieved to know its not just me and my relationship!
Briefly, been together 4 years, married not quite one, 2 young dc... And I'm absolutely miserable and want out... But circumstances mean it's not possible.
And I struggle with the fact that most of thing things that make me so sad (the lack of affection, the lack of emotional connection, the sucking the joy out of everything, the negativity, the obsessional approach to everything) he probably can't help and when we talk about it, he doesn't seem to even realise he does - but he's not a "bad" man... I just need / want something more.

He wasn't always like this, and it seems that now we have the house, kids, marriage, he's achieved what he had to and can be himself... I think it was here I read someone saying that their DH doesnt see anything wrong because they are living their perfect life - and that's how it feels for me... I want him to be happy, but I didn't expect that it meant his happiness at the expense of mine and the kids?

He does very little in the house, unless he's specifically asked to and then it's very literal. His time with the kids is sitting on the sofa on his phone while they play and any attempt to go out is spent listening to him complain and work out how long it is til we leave because traffic / weather / too busy / other things to do... So much so that I do even more myself now - just me and the kids.

He has all the sensory issues, which I know he cant help, but when your husband says you're not to touch him (unless it's on his terms) because it's "sensory overload", it kinda hurts after a while!

Anyway, so sorry that was long... There's loads more as I'm sure you are all familiar with.

xx

@gummybearwotsit - I too am married to a DH who seems totally unaware of most of what he does (or so he claims).

I have taken to just doing lots and lots of stuff that I want to do with the kids, with friends and other family. I am happier than I have been in years. Going places that DH would refuse to, taking more time off work (DH wouldn't do that), travelling with the kids, seeing family almost every weekend. My therapist said it souds as though I am already living as though I am single, and I think she is right.

I don't really have a relationship with DH anymore, but in many ways that is much easier. I've come to the conclusion that trying to involve him in decisions, trying to get him to understand how to be an adult and how to have a relationship is pretty much pointless.

In our case, I have the ASD diagnosis, but DH has much more overt traits of ASD. He just "can't see it" so he isn't interested in trying to gain insight, or work on problems.

@namechangeaspie
I think that's what I'm doing really - building a whole life separately from him and you saying the trying seems pointless is exactly it!

@namechange @gummy I do this, it's just easier. We have even slipped into it at weekends and rarely do something as a family or as a couple. Wow that is odd now i type that out.

Anyone get tired of circular arguements that don't need to get arguements? It's like a complete failure to accept a slightly different point of view or experience, even if you aren't particularly trying to persuade them into / about something. Tonight it ended with "I just don't like to be told no I am wrong" but I didn't even say that. Which is also something that happens, making up something I said. And round and round we go to the same points. It's impossible.

Sometimes it is easier not to speak !

Same here, I have learned not to engage with him, in order to avoid those circular arguments. My H also has to have the last word on everything, and cannot just accept a suggestion without having to change it slightly, even over really petty things.
If we’re going somewhere that takes 30 minutes to get to, I’ll say “we need to leave at 9.30”.
He’ll inevitably reply that we need to leave at 9.25. Or 9.35, there’s no logic to it, anything he just has to have the the last word.
Much easier not to speak, which is what happens here mostly.

Hi,

I feel like a fraud following the thread as my partner doesn't have Aspergers, but my dad and my son do and it is really helping me to read this as it's making me understand the way they relate to me relationally. Thank you!

And the entrenched positions!

J haven't posted for a while, life is a little easier at the moment but the recent posts are oh so resonating.

That's good that things have been a bit better @daftas

I failed miserably today on the “not engaging “ front.
There was a plan (his plan) to go to a local market town 30 minutes drive away tomorrow, in order to stock up on vinyl gloves (for getting coal out of the coal bunker apparently, before you ask 😁)
I planned to nip into Sainsbury’s. These tasks are not urgent.

Today I realised the road there is shut for 2 weeks, so a possible 20 minute detour on top of the 30 minute each way drive. I tell him. I may as well told him that the world has ended.
Him “but we planned to go”
Me “yes we did, but it’s not urgent and if it’s a 2 hour round trip then it’s not worth the effort”
Him “so are we going or not?”
Me “well I’m not, but if you want to go, that’s fine, go on your own.

A 20 minute pause while he thinks.

Him “so what time are we setting off tomorrow?”

Me - with fingers in ears, singing la la la la and thinking “this is Groundhog Day”

Sometimes (often) this is unbearable.

Maybe someone can help me with this. My DH and I have just had another evening of utterly failing to communicate. If I ask him a direct question that has a simple yes or no answer, he simply won't answer. It's like he cant say "yes" or "no", and if he gets close, then he'll contradict himself a moment later.

I'm getting increasingly frustrated... and apparently it's all my fault because I ask questions.

I'm not sure if it's because he can't process the question I've asked, or if he doesn't have an aswer, or if he just doesn't care enough to give an answer.

I'm getting so annoyed trying to find out what his opinions are so I can take them into account, but he can't seem to ever say what his opinion is or consistently stick to the same opinion.

name what does he do if you ask him an open ended question?

I ask from the point of DS (may not be relevant at all as he's a small kid) who we think is somewhere on the spectrum.

If I ask DS a straight yes / no question he either ALWAYS defaults to no or clams up totally. He has a language processing delay so I attribute it to either he can't follow quickly enough to produce an answer that he thinks is correct, or I have noticed when he thinks he doesn't know something definitively, he'll just clam up completely. Following up with further questions just makes it worse

I'm getting so annoyed trying to find out what his opinions are so I can take them into account, but he can't seem to ever say what his opinion is or consistently stick to the same opinion.*

This^ . Totally get it. So wearing! No answers. That combined with the circular conversions is a nightmare. Feel like I need a scribe at hand to write a conversatiom down and show the madness!

I admit to sometimes circumventing my dh if something is really urgent, as getting him to engage constructively is a job in itself. I notice that when I ask my younger dc who’s not a great speaker something she doesn’t understand, she panics, if you watch her closely she saws her mouth (I am more careful now). I think there is sometimes a level of unseen panic going on when they can’t get to a decision on something.

Name I get you.
I actually have no idea who H is because he is never talking or expressing his opinion.
And because he can’t actually cope with having a discussion where he is defending his POV or answer some arguments I put forward.
Now I just go in a loop and repeat.

Tbf atm things aren’t going in our house.
For the simple reason that we are never together.
The dcs have some events more or less every weekend. I have been away too (Not the same weekends even though that wasn’t planned iyswim)
Add the hols to that etc... we’ve hardly spent any weekend together since July
It feels great! The only time things were fraught was the weekend we slept together because of dc birthday... and I needed H to step up and take some responsibility....

Little H always default to YES even if he really doesn’t want to do xx.
And then drag his feet, is been miserable or impossible to live with because he doesn’t like to do xx.

Fwiw I rarely ask him his POV now. The things I want to do, I just do them, tell him about it and get on with it.

Yes my Brexit. Too much life passes while you wait for the enthusiasm / ideas / buy in! Just got to crack on and make of life what fun and opportunities we can grasp!

Not been posting for a few weeks while I read your comments and think. It's helping me understand him. After much agonising, Ive decided that sadly, it may be best if I end my relationship with him.

Im at my wits end with him and need to tell him face to face, but he's in one of his dark times, so I have not had the emotional energy to communicate this last ten days. Just said I needed to see him to talk, he said no. No response then or since. Nothing. So typical. Says it all really. I am torturing myself worrying about him, but he's probably in his own little world. I wonder if he even notices I've not been in contact.....I just hope I'm doing the right thing, for him and me.

My H always defaults to “NO”.
anything I suggest is a “NO”.
Even small suggestions like “should we move this plant from x to y”
But if I say no to his suggestion then I’m a miserable cow.
so I don’t bother, just say “yes dear” and wither inside.

gummy (and others whose partners don’t realise what they’re doing), have you ever tried pointing it out in the middle of an episode?

My DP is very good at seemingly being in a foul mood and ignoring me for ages. But, it turns out that he doesn't realisr that’s how he's coming across. Ok, so he is in a bad mood, but he'll think he‘s hiding it from me, and has no idea that he won't have said anything for me for weeks at a time (when he's really bad). I remember, once, pointing out that at least I had the cat to have conversations with! But, when he's like that, he truly has no idea.

So now I tell him. It's the hardest thing to do, telling someone who's ignoring you that they are doing so, and to stop it, but it works. At least for us. Sometimes I tell him face to face, usually it's by email but, either way, I’ll get an apology (of sorts) and he'll immediately modify his behaviour. Ok, it might take a wee while to get back to normal (partly because I'll feel dubious) but we do get there.

I hadn't thought about using e-mail with my DH, wonder if I should give it a try. It would avoid the element of confrontation which he can't stand. But although he's moderately articulate in real life, he's functionally non-verbal in writing. Literally cannot put a word on a page, a birthday card or an e-mail. So I could express myself but I'd still get nothing back.

Hello everyone. For those of you with DHs who also suffer with depression, did ADs or counseling help, and how did it pan out with trying these things at first? We are just at start of this road and feeling apprehensive to be honest. He isn't drinking, which is good. My father suffered from depression and it was a terrible time, even with meds so not sure if my view of this is skewed because of that.

Does it energise or lift them? Or just take the edge off? Does it make them more or less responsive?

MrsSpock - I use email / the written word fairly frequently with DP. It means he actually 'listens' to what I want to say. Otherwise, the only time he wants to talk is when he's been drinking, and he'll get so worked up about whatever we're talking about he'll talk over me and just doesn't hear anything I say (at least, it seems that way, though he'll surprise me and mention something months later). I might not get much of a response back in written form, but at least I know he now knows my side of things.

*earl - ADs helped, eventually, but he drank an awful lot so it took a while. It's thus hard to say what effect they had. He didn't get counselling (wasn't offered any) but did get a few group therapy sessions, which, amazingly, he went along with. Didn't tell me how they went, though. The ADs will take a while to kick in, and there may be side effects (there were with DP). It was tough being on the journey with him, so if you ever need an ear please PM me.

Thanks time