Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Cherry I hope you will be able to talk to him soon and tell him.
Fwiw even wo the ASD, someone who stops contact like this for days on end, regardless of the reason, aren’t good news for your emotional health.
Sometimes, You need to out yourself first rather than always think about the others.

And it’s crap when it’s about people you love.

New to this thread but reading with interest. I feel as if I’m going mad. I’ve wondered for a while if DP has Aspergers. We have a lot of happy times and in lots of ways he doesn’t seem to have the obvious symptoms. He’s loving and affectionate and fairly well adjusted socially in very short bursts. And he’s actually quite creative in lots of ways.

But my god the bad times are horrible - he’s an engineer and a workaholic. 10 hour days and then 3+ hours on his own stuff. Can be incredibly rude to me but I think is largely unaware of how it comes across. Will take himself off on a bike ride (even in the middle of the night) at the first hint of anything going even vaguely wrong which can include me simply not hearing what he has said, and not speak to me for hours. He says he just can’t help himself and it’s the only way he has of coping. This i find hardest together with the feeling I’m just so inept at communicating with him because it’s so hard - he is so relentless and logical that I just feel vague and waffling even though I’m actually quite good communicator outside this relationship. And he often seems entirely oblivious when I am ill or stressed or stuff has gone wrong at work - it’s like he has no idea how to comfort me beyond patting me on the shoulder and saying “I’m sorry”.

It’s now reached crisis point. He’s moved in with his sister (he moved in with me two years ago) as last week I finally couldn’t do it anymore. We’d had a couple of conversations before this about possible ASD and he didn’t like the idea but conceded there were reasons to think it might be possible. And his dad definitely has distinct though undiagnosed oddities.

But it’s all just so miserable. I’m miserable, he’s miserable, we both want it to work but don’t know how. We tried counselling last year during a bad patch and it was a failure - the counsellor kept telling me I just needed to adapt more and I kept thinking “all I bloody do is adapt...”. So we clearly need some help but I am worried it will make things worse. And we agree it would be a good idea if he could get a diagnosis but I worry he thinks that will just make it all ok again. And it won’t because I will still be the one doing all the accommodating. His sister says he’s always been a bit like this but it’s definitely got worse as he’s got older - is that common with Aspergers or is that just age?

Sorry. That felt better, just writing it all out. Life is stressful anyway as my mum is ill and the cat got run over last month and work just announced a round of pre-Brexit redundancies. So it’s all rubbish.

Has anyone got a private ASD diagnosis and how do you know if the provider is any good? I think that has to be our first port of call because he’s decided that’s the next step. Then try and sort stuff out from there.

the counsellor kept telling me I just needed to adapt more and I kept thinking “all I bloody do is adapt...”.
Yes I can recognise that very well.

I have no idea about getting a diagnosis. We’ve reached the stage where H has acknowledged he is on the spectrum and that’s plenty for us.
But I agree. In my experience there is no way to make it work if the partner on the spectrum doesn’t accept his disability and that he needs to adapt/make some efforts too.
This has come too late for me but hopefully this will be soon enough for you.
What I wouod advise is to get some counselling too. But with someone who actually is trained to work with people on the spectrum and KNOW what living with someone like this means. Because often these men are happier to take advice from a professional and will listen whereas they won’t when it’s us, their partner who tells them the same thing...

I do think a diagnosis it could well be negative - it’s quite subtle I think, and as I say there are lots of ways he isn’t typical. I’d be happy with him accepting we are different and identifying ways to make changes - I think he’d do that if he understood there were reasons he is like this. But for him I think it will take a label, based on science. Because...science. He wouldn’t accept I had epilepsy until he saw the EEG, compared it to online traces and confirmed for himself. Despite the doctors saying “yup, epilepsy”. So it’s a risk because if it’s negative we will be back to square one.
Finding a counsellor with expertise seems hard. Where and how does one do that?

I wish I knew - we went to a reputable private practice a few people recommended, dh didn’t trust the psych we saw for our dc, he wants me to find someone else with better credentials before we proceed and I don’t know how to find someone else.

With mine, a long time ago I realised I’d never get dh to get any help, so this debate is about getting help for my dc. If anyone has any ideas...

Is there any forum that has local recommendations for private psychiatrists/psychologists?

at a bit of a low point here - Christmas wrangling. My family coming to see us, they aren’t staying with us (know us well), they offered to cook Christmas dinner (after dh refuses idea of going out for Xmas dinner) as dh seems to hate and be exhausted by cooking Xmas dinner, but they haven’t realise it’s an avoidance tactic and he prefers cooking. Dh saying we are not going to go...I’m letting it sit for a few days.

Ah Christmas!! Well our plan this year, is to keep moving. And that will be better for all. So we are not going to have or host Christmas dinner, we are just going to have a chilled out morning and then go visiting, which will be more fun for DS anyway. I cannot deal with the family dynamics and difficulties this year and try to be the provider of jolliness and fayre!!

wishiwas I think there are recommendations on the
www.different-together.co.uk website.

Christmas Day will be very quiet here. My sons will visit either before or after, h’s kids don’t visit at Christmas at all, he has fallen out with his 2 sisters so won’t be seeing them. It’ll be a day of walking the dog, a nice lunch and watching crap on tv.

Just dropping by and skimming through stuff..*
*
ArthurMcCafferty you can have a formal diagnosis done by Maxine Aston who's one of the UK's authorities on ASD in her Coventry office.

http://www.maxineaston.co.uk

My ex was diagnosed by her - it took about 2, 3 hours - lots of rapid photos of facial expressions and he had to describe the emotions. She also explained how he was able to function at times but others not, and spoke to me about the ways I needed to adapt to cope with his behaviours.

Really worth it. I'm can't remember how much it cost I can just remember my ex saying I should pay for the train tix (from London) as that was only fair (grrr).

midcenturylegs so was the emphasis at that assessment all about you “needing to adapt”? If so, that’s pretty shit really.

I was on this thread a few months ago but NCd now.

DH's counsellor has referred for him for an assessment as she suspects like I do that he has Aspergers. Unfortunately the waiting list is so long that he hasn't even heard from the clinic about being on the waiting list. I'm a bit fed up to he honest that it's all taking so long. It's difficult as he is so so so stubborn, so if I make a mistake and try to correct myself, he won't have it. It's like he once you've agreed something, it is written in gold. Anyhow it's a long term battle and struggle being with him and although I think we've overcome some huge steps, when he gets even a bit stressed, everything just goes back to square one- he turns into a selfish prat.

@ArthurMcaffertyHasTwoCats it's like you've described my DH ... It is tough. What helped us is that I wrote a list of things of exactly what I wanted. For example, one of the top things was when I am ill do the dishes. Sounds very obvious to you and me, but he needed that spelled out in writing as he it isn't obvious to him. It was quite sad that I even had to spell out the basics, but there was no other way. He did take the list surprisingly well and said it was the first time he understood what I wanted from a relationship. He finds it hard to keep up with the list though as it doesn't come naturally to him and expects ALOT of praise for basic things that I have been doing for him out of love for 15 years!

HomeMuffin, we have had success in the past with writing down a list of things we will do - "DP will tell Arthur when he feels she is not being precise in her language", etc. He's great at following them when he remembers but often needs prompting - "DP, do you need to tell me that I am not being precise in the language I am using?". Which is hard work. We have made some progress with some things but it's up and down.

I know the saying goes "if you've met one person with autism you've met one person with autism", but for those whose partners have a diagnosis can you tell me the ways they don't fit the profile? I keep thinking it would be a relief and explain so much but then I think "well, sex is good and we laugh a lot at the same things, and he doesn't really mind too much if his routine changes and he doesn't have any odd tics...So maybe it is just old fashioned incompatibility".

I think I'm going to try putting more in writing for DH. I express myself easily like that. It may help, even if it only helps me and even if he never reciprocates.

@Bluebellforest1

Just realised how via the app you can tag someone to a post. Doh!

Yes, a lot of it was to talk about how I should cope and adapt. To be fair there was some advice for him which was 1) keep on doing your hobbies 2) take yourself for a walk / bike ride to cool off when angry 3) (this made me really pissed off) live in a big house so there's plenty of room to be apart.

I think her approach was to be very matter of fact about things. My ex almost seemed quite proud of the diagnosis which was kind of the worst of it to me - no thought to how this must feel for me (and how it may impact my kid who wasn't his).

Everyone - as I've left my partner it's probably not fair that I stay on here, as I don't fit the category of this topic anymore.. but if anyone has any questions please ping away..

I don’t think you have to leave @midcenturylegs - my dh said a diagnosis would feel like an excuse to him, it seemed to be too good to be true, and that’s when i understood he was really trying his best. He also had a thing about noise transfer and space and having 2 floors, and possibly a man cave...

Arr @midcentury am glad you have moved forward. It is good to here your perspective so please feel most welcome ( I am sure others would say the same ) . Thank you .

*hear I mean. Good day followed by fraught eve with DH = LONG / STRESSFUL despite a good start.

@gummybearwotsit I could have written your post.

I’m so glad I found this thread. My late MIL warned me she thought DH had Aspergers. We have been together nearly 10 years & I am so ready to throw in the towel. I just don’t think I can live like this!

Has anyone's DH shared their diagnosis with other family members? DH has a large who are very close knit except him. They really struggle to understand him and his mum especially regularly become a upset with him. I think it would really help them understand him if he shared his diagnosis (once he has it!). Would love to hear from the rest if you how your DPs deal with it.

Well I was pessimistic about counselling but last week DH went on his own at the counsellor's request and managed to talk to her for 50 minutes. But when I ask him anything about how he feels, or what he could do to change things, he just says "I don't know".

But he's booked an appointment to see the GP about his impotence and has asked me to book a diagnostic assessment for ASD. And he is definitely trying to improve his self-care.

Hello Moffa, sorry you're at the towel-throwing stage. I was there in August. Can you tell us a bit more?

Hi @MrsSpocksSister,

Yes so I should probably say it is undiagnosed, just suspected.

When I met DH he used to eat the same three meals a day every day. I just thought it was a man convenience thing. He was also funny about clothes & washing powder.

We’ve been together 10 years, married 8, 2 DC’s both finally conceived via IVF.

These are some of his characteristics:

Never hugs or kisses me, or puts an arm around me. He won’t even sit on the same sofa as me. If I make him kiss me it is like he is having to kiss some old granny. Yet if he decides he wants sex I am supposed to be happy about it?! I should add during 10 rounds of IVF I felt so alone emotionally, he just got on with life as normal.

He is never thoughtful about me. Never buys flowers, gifts. I buy and wrap my own Christmas presents as I don’t want the DC’s to think that’s normal.

He is obsessed with work and does nothing at home. Everything has to run to his timetable or there will be anger and shouting.

He is unsociable. I attend 90% of our social invitations alone or with DCs.

To be honest I’m at the point where I hate him most of the time. I asked him a pretty normal question last night and he called me a cunt. I’m hoping I can get to January then leave.

I’m glad I stumbled on this thread though as I’ve felt very alone & envious of my friends mostly happy/normal marriages, and at least I’m not alone.

I’m sure he would never agree to counselling or getting a diagnosis. He would just say I’m lazy & brainless and don’t know what I’m talking about.

I’m so sad about it, sad for the kids and our future but I just can’t live with someone who is so cold, inflexible & controlling.

Sorry for the long post! X

@moffa he'd really say you're lazy and brainless? Mine would refuse counselling but it would just be a refusal, although if I push it he would get cross and walk off.

Similarly, DH does buy me presents (most of the time, we've had a few times where he couldn't find anything and one year where he said he wasn't doing it) - buying presents is a reasonable adjustment for a person on the spectrum to make for their partner, you can order it online these days so hardly needs real shopping.

We have no family social life, and I do all the events on my own - that I've resigned myself to as I can see my DH finds socializing very taxing and can have nightmares for days afterwards. I do find it hard going, school are always asking who's in DD's team of supporters - it's me, DH and pets. I remember her doing a poster and listing our aged pets as our backup team and feeling so sad about it.

Why is January the deadline Moffa? I completely see why you'd think things were over what you've posted sounds miserable.

Does anyone else's partners have paranoia? Mine goes through phases where he's convinced everyone is out to get him. I'd never linked it to the Asperger's before (despite thinking I'd had everything ticked off by now) but I was talking about him with a friend last night, and his paranoia came up as a possible link. I've Googled and apparently it's not uncommon with people on the spectrum, but I was wondering if any of you had experience.