Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Hi everyone, I have been watching/reading this thread since I discovered it. I wonder if anyone here can offer me advice please? I have been seeing a guy for over a year and am wondering if he has Aspergers due to his strange ways, or is he just an arse. These are some of the things that make me wonder suspect Aspergers:

1. I have to take my shoes off when entering his flat - this is the routine, stand on door mat/take off shoes, leave shoes on doormat/stand on floor tiles. If I do it wrong he gets agitated.
2. He has kept things from me for many months, the fact that he has epilepsy, is vegetarian, has ibs.
3. He is very sensitive to noise, hates it if I close a door loudly, talk loudly. 4)He struggles to communicate by text yet won't call me or indeed answer if I call him. He will only text if he wants to see me, and yet sometimes complains if a week or so goes by and I don't text to ask to meet up as he wanted to see me but didn't ask.
4. When we had our first row, he couldn't deal with it at all, just shut down, couldn't understand why I was upset with him even though I explained clearly. I was so upset with him I didn't contact him for a month but as soon as I did we were back on track.
5. He is a workaholic, works extremely long hours by choice, then becomes ill from the exhaustion/stress.
6. Avoids socialising, preferring to be on his own. (I now go out alone to meet our friends as he refuses to come) There are other things that I could add but these are the most obvious without boring you all. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.

Oh @scrambledegg been there it's very hard when they are small. To be honest that's when I first noticed the issues with DH.

@Cherrygirl3, he could be either..the not communicating when you are upset is however very damaging to relationships long term, add the lack of openness and it could be toxic.I would have to ask why are you still with him?

@lifebegins same old story, because I love him to bits. And I genuinely believe he can't help his behavior. I thought when we first got together that he had OCD, but now I don't think it's that. I have begun suspecting Aspergers due to the lack of emotional understanding he exhibits. If I show my emotion he looks confused, and yet I've seen him actually cry at the cinema. He is awkward socially and yet I didn't notice in the early days as he covers it up so well. I just wish I could understand him better.

Cherrygirl3 you're not boring us but to be honest, the best anyone can say is that it's possible he has ASD - which you know. Is there anything that bothers him? Does he feel there's anything that's causing him difficulties? Could you talk to him about it?

cherrygirl3 i'm also wondering, whatever it is, and only he will know if he's been assessed or gets help, are you willing to keep going with the constraints as they are? Noise sensitivity is a particular problem if you have any DC or plan to have them, and/or pets. The social introversion thing gets harder over time as many posts on this chat show - when you are in the first years it's not so hard as you are all into each other, but add a family and socialization you have to do for the childrens' sake...

I would think through the lifetime overview of how things will play out and also talk to him about why he does what he does, whether he knows how he feels when you don't take your shoes off, whether he'd be willing to agree to some social occasions and if so, what kind of notice etc.

MrsSpock loads of things bother him, he hates his job but won't look for anything else. He is never "off duty" getting phone calls all hours of the day and night, until he can no longer stand it and retreats from everyone, including me, until he feels better. The same routine has to be followed when Im in his flat. He never has friends visit, the only visitors are myself and his sister (who Ive never met) he won't have us both in the flat together.

Wish the issue of children with him won't arise as I have had my family and he doesn't want children. He has a younger brother who he babysits for and seems ok with him but he's 13 now and I assume not noisy. The last time we went out it was for my birthday and he came out twice that week, but by the second time the strain was showing. I try to laugh it off when he gets agitated about things like the shoes and noise, it actually doesn't bother me anymore as I feel that I love him unconditionally. It's just the fact that he can't seem to say how he feels about me with words, although I can sense his feelings are there, it would reassure me to hear him say how he feels, but I fear he will never be able to.

"he can't seem to say how he feels about me with words"

That's what I was crying about to a Relate counsellor recently. DH is baffled by this. Why should I mind? He thinks actions should be enough, like driving me to work (not shaving or changing his jumper or cutting the grass though).

I've tried telling myself that he loves me but the problem with that is that if he's then cruel or unkind, even by mistake, I wonder if I'm living in a bubble and imagining it all.

Oh yes, dh has a refrain of - I do so many things i don’t want to do every day for you. He does tell me he loves me, but I have no idea what he loves about me as a person at all which as you say spock is not much to set against the outbursts.

cherry could he write it down? It does sound very hard if he can’t say how he feels

Cherry , you know, if it is earlier on in the relationship and you have concerns now, take that as a warning signal and consider: it may not get better. How happy / tolerant would you be if this went on for years? No need to answer that, that's unfair, but I wonder if I had known now what I would have done .

*known what I know now ( or strongly believe) . . Sorry been a long day!!

NC here. I’m the poster whose H recently agreed he is on the spectrum.

cherryl you shouod be in the honey moon phase, not thinking that your DP is doing x and y, its hurtful but he doesn’t mean it and anyway I love unconditionally. It’s going to get worse.

I’ve always thought that marriage was for life. That in a relationship, you want to fully support the other one and accept their defaults as well as their qualities. That we ought to work through problems.
Now I would put my own security, and I include my own emotional security there, first and foremost.
I’ve learnt that its not because you love someone, do everything you can do make them happy etc... that you won’t get hurt.
From what you are saying, I think you will get hurt badly. Even if he doesn’t mean it, doesn’t intent to hurt you and it’s all miscommunication.

When I got unwell the other day (I got so dizzy I thought I wouod pass out), I went to lie down on the sofa. I must have looked unwell as even dc2 (who is in the spectrum too) actually asked me if I was ok.
H didnt say a word to me. Nothing. He basically just ignored me even after I got up as I was feeling a bit better. (Think about a couple of hours, not just10 mins)
Now I could say that he just didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to disturb me (his answer tonhis behaviour) etc... but it still BLOODY HURT to have been ignored like this.

So my advice wouod be to protect yourself. You won’t change him. You can’t make things better or ok. Not to the extend it will be a confortable relationship. The best you can do is change yourself, your behaviour and your expectations of a relationship.
Are you sure this is what you Want??

earl if I had known all that, I wouldnt have got married.

Now I know that there is a lot of good that came out from that marriage.
Thanks to staying together, I have a job I love. I have two dcs that are amazing.
Downside, Im ill due to stress. I never enjoyed my dcs childhood because I was just living in survival mode. I became a shell of myself, not knowing who I am.

So no, I wouldnt have gone ahead and I wouodnt advice anyone to do so either. Even knowing that dc2 is in the spectrum and will face the same issues than H has faced within our marriage :(

i don't regret the relationship or my 2 lovely dc, better information with what i was dealing with would have helped all of our current problems - I'd have made better plans. So many mistakes and misunderstandings happened because I expected A to happen and B happened.

Eg, we put our DC in childcare early on because we thought it would make her sociable & not as introverted as us, whereas she was over challenged constantly, I didn't cut back on work as I thought DH would do more but he was totally overwhelmed so we had years of fighting about that, not understanding the cause of the depressions or temper outbursts. I still don't think he's managing himself well to avoid being overwhelmed but he is being a bit more careful on what he commits to.

My main concern now is that things don't get worse again, that DH doesn't start to shut down more as he ages as his relatives have.

This is the thing though, it becomes about management and mitigation and the carer role . Ie: if I do /don't do X that will make DH better able to deal with Y. Y might be something one might ordinarily expect from a partner, meanwhile, concessions.

The shutting down @iwishiwas it's awful, so hard to connect, everything gets weaker. It's terrifible, like a cardboard robot. Perhaps it is better in the early days, when we are younger , to accommodate, allow whatever and there are not so many responsibilities and things at stake.

Now I see an actual physical difference in my DH, who is a handsome man . Everything is so slow, so tentative, so barely there and so plateaud. I feel I need to work really hard to get a reaction, that's more than a response. It's like he has gone in on himself. And it's just standard. The same things get said, coming from a place of kindness and thought but they are stock things .

earlgrey
Yes. Exactly. I find it massively draining.

It's more like parenting and being a carer than an actual relationship or partnership. Which is, in itself, unattractive.

Yes, earl ours certainly sound so similar - it’s like dh has a Rolodex in his head of conversation questions to ask ‘have you spoken to your mum’ etc - he asks, but it’s rote and he’s not interested in the answer or he engages and gets snappy about any information related.

The shut downs are oppressive and it’s easier when he’s not here when he’s fragile or wants to be on his own altogether. He’s been better recently though. I really hope we’re on an upward slope but winter is a regular low point.

That said, it is hard to find genuine quiet introvert time when you have a young family and work full time - we’ve tried him going away on his own but he wants to be at home resting in complete quiet.

It's more like parenting and being a carer than an actual relationship or partnership
YY to that. I’ve spent plenty of times trying to ‘teach him’ basic stuff (like you need to talk to your dcs!!)

I think it wouod have been very different if he had acknowledged his disability years ago when I first broach the subject.
Because THEN we coud have tried to solve the issue together instead of everything always been my fault.

I wouldn’t have minded making an effort, work around him etc... I did and do mind things to be one way only and for me to make all the efforts whilst he does none. (Esp as I know now for sure that he did no effort at all. I think he has realised that I am extremely fed up with the situation so had suddenly found the time, energy etc. To talk to me, be pleasant and helpful and simply make the effort of sometimes thinking about me and my needs rather than always thinking about himself)

mynbrexit

MyBrexit I don't know what I want at the minute. When he is ok, happy, not shut down/shutting me out, it's lovely. When he goes "inward" I can't reach him and I find that upsetting and hard to understand. He will go so far into himself he won't even open the door to me if I go round to him. I've learned to recognise when he is in this dark place and leave him be until he emerges. But then I torture myself, imagining him alone and thinking I don't care about him. I think what keeps me hanging in there (aside from the love I feel for him) is that I've had a few bad relationships in the past, abusive, cheating partners who I was afraid of. With him I feel safe from these things at least. My only sadness is that one day I fear he will break my heart. This thread helps me so much, I know that there are others who are coping with the same issues.

Relate session. Difficult. I learned something though; that sometimes when he seems indifferent, he's actually overcome with emotion, but wants to avoid trying to talk about it.

And that he is trying to do some of the things I asked him to a month ago.

He's agreed to an autism assessment if I arrange it.

Yes, wants to avoid talking about it to avoid a tide of anger/meltdown - my dh takes himself off for a walk when he’s feeling like that.