Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

I've been married for nearly 20 years to a man I love and is a father to our beautiful 2 teenagers. I have always been troubled with the lack of emotion JB shows towards me in regards to support, empathy, affection, interest in what I do, the way I look etc., Even though it hurts, I have always passed it off as well that's JB. If I had a pound for every person that has said to me he doesn't appreciate you I would be extremely rich; but I simple smile to myself I say 'I know' and accepted things. He's the father of my kids and I love him right!

The last few years I have found terribly difficult however, especially around family holidays as he shows little or no enthusiasm to want to be there and simply wants to do his own thing. There doesn't seem to be a need to want to connect or spend time together. At the end of a two week holiday together, I tried to explain and we ended up arguing. He hadn't got a clue what I was talking about and became very aggressive and angry.

Four years ago sex became a problem to me as apart from this we had no connection / relationship (other than being parents and living together). During this time frame I have had two melt downs as I feel so lonely and my head is just full of questions...why can't he see me, why does he not want to hold me, why isn't he interested in what I do...I just feel invisible. Just a 'hi how was your day' would be enough, I question if he even likes me.

I rescued two small dogs recently and his mother and sister made comment that they were to replace our teenagers as they were not kids anymore. What they don't realise is the dogs have shown me more affection in the last few months than JB ever has! and I enjoy time with my kids and always will.

Over the last 12 months I have stepped back and observed. I'm understanding that he has little or no emotion with our kids too. He rarely gets involved with things unless I plan and manage it. He is a workaholic and regimented with fitness regime. He is an actor, in fact he makes every effort to be centre of attention at every family or friends gathering, which is not a true reflection of who he is. All our social life including holidays are planned by my myself and his friends are all through my friends.

I am lonely and empty most of the time trying to work this out, but as time goes on and I observe more I'm not sure that he will ever change and my needs to be loved will ever be met.

I have spelt things out for him and explained how he is (Robot!) and how he makes me feel. He does not understand anything that I am talking about or look to want to understand even though he can clearly see I am distressed. He now seeks to avoid me at every opportunity.

I am struggling to stay sane, often cry. I am a capable strong lady who looks to find calm resolution to move things forward. I know I'm not perfect but eager to find peace and happiness in my life. Could he have Aspie...what do I do?

I'd love to join, but my husband is undiagnosed. Our son is though. They are like two peas in a pod.

Hi PolkaDot78,
I lost my niece and Dad is the last three years and found it was hard to grieve as the lack of empathy from JB was extreme, so I grieved in private. Never once did he ask me how I was or show me any form of emotion. JB even made comment to a time frame that grieving belonged too, some of his remarks were so hurtful and bazar that I had to detach myself in order to survive. You are not going mad. JB seemingly only works to process, communicating emotionally doesn't work in his black and white. I have started to resent him and angry at myself too for not understanding how he is earlier; it would have saved me the hurt and constant questioning of how emotional detached he is with me. I hope you can get through to DP, everyone deserves to be shown love, other than sex.

Hi @polka and @paculiar. That's totally shit. You are not alone .

@scrambled you will be in good company here , there are a few of us here that have DHs with loads of indicators but no DX .

Stepping on landmines and social isolation @polkadot78 - yes, you’ve got to fight the social isolation and the questioning of plans etc - I’m very happy alone, but I like to have things to do that are often social esp since we had children and I do think one of the hardest aspects is that dh never ever wants to do anything social at all, you have to prioritise keeping your friend and family networks alive even if you socialise without your dp.

If you give up on your network or don’t keep building it and are then relying on your dh for more support it’s making things worse.

Many’s the time I’ve had dh get really angry and I’ve no idea why and really failed to understand the problem.

Yes I thought my dh had depression, obsessions and anxiety for years and the penny only dropped there could be something behind that when we started investigating my dd’s behaviour and I rethought the trigger points for dh’s depressions which were always about major life changes.

He very briefly seemed to consider the possibility he was on the spectrum but quickly backtracked to firm denials, which makes me question my sanity at times but dh and dd are both the same in that most of the shut downs, meltdowns and bad behaviours happen at home.

Yes yes it happens at home.

Absolutely happens at home with DP too. Almost all the behaviour does. He's always weak in communication in this appraisals but very strong everywhere else. And once a colleague let slip at a dinner that he's a micro-manager. I kept my mouth shut - couldn't risk saying "You get to leave at the end of the day!".

It's like the mask that was mentioned early in this thread, the one that is worn whilst dating and slips off when comfort sets in post marriage and the different behaviours start to show, somehow that mask works for life outside the house.

Welcome to all of you here. Fully diagnosed partner or not.
I hope you can find a bit of support here.

If you give up on your network or don’t keep building it and are then relying on your dh for more support it’s making things worse.
I actually came to the UK to live with H. So somehow relied on H to start making relationships with peole, making friends etc... big big mistake.

Yes, I’ve learned the hard way too - we’re on our third major re-location in 20 years but unlike the last times I’ve given up on building a network via dh and actually doing slightly better.
It’s mucn simpler not to expect him to join in.

It is frustrating - he’s far more interesting than I am, but I try and get involved in volunteer task based stuff. Plus friends made via dh inevitably come a cropper at some point as he writes people off from time to time. I can’t think of a long term friend he hasn’t found wanting after a few years.

It's very difficult. When we first god together, he had, it appeared, more of a network of friends than I did and various social things of note, more than me. But he never kept up with any of it, so the reliance as described, cuts both ways. I keep up with a few longstanding friends and dip in and out of other social things, but he hasn't kept anything up and all he has is me. So that is also a lot of pressure and actually even more isolating.

got

Also the joy sapping is just to tedious. What can we do to make ourselves feel better? I'm having a bath then later an apple crumble. Not exciting but I've a cold and they'll make me feel better.

And trying to avoid DH, which will be easy as he'll just he sat in his down watching the geekery.

We did used to watch telly together in the evenings, don't even do that anymore. If I actually thought he could handle it positively / make and effort / communicate, I'd suggest marriage counselling or some such effort.

But actually it's just how things are and having the energy to keep thinks light and have the engagement is very difficult as everything is one sided.

So what are you going to do this weekend to make you feel better?

*gown not down ..as in dressing gown .

Yes I don’t think dh realises how miserable he can be to be around at times - he’s out tonight so I shall have free range and enjoy some drama without the judgment!

Enjoy wishiwas!!

Paculia and PolkaDot lots and lots of your posts are heartbreaking. Can you find a way out?

Totally agree re the joysapping too. I hate it. I feel like he sucks the life out of me so that by the end of a weekend with him I've lost the will to speak.

@polka thank you. And that's really awful, you really must try and find some things for you .

I'm having real issues with DH and new baby. She was crying yesterday because she was hungry so I dashed off to fix her a bottle, it took a bit longer than usual because I had to faff around with packaging etc so she got pretty noisy. So a few minutes later I walk into the room and she's apoplectic in her bouncer and DH is just stood in exactly the same place looking at something on his phone. I asked him 'Couldn't you pick her up and give her a jiggle or something?' he replied 'She wanted milk, I didn't think I needed to do anything' - she was PURPLE with rage. She's also a very sociable thing, v different to, and loves to be held where she can see your face and talked to/sung to. She's only 3 months but she will coo back at you in a conversational way. DH doesn't 'see the point' in talking to her because 'she can't talk or understand what I'm saying'

Has dh read any parenting research about language development in babies scrambled? Even the stuff the Hv gives you makes it clear that interacting creates language. On the milk, that’s a nightmare isn’t it? You poor things.

Mine was good with the first dc with walking her around when she was fussy whether waiting for milk or not - can you have him a clear rule - if you think she needs milk and I’m doing it, can you distract her every time by showing her lights or walking her around/floor pacing?

My dh was almost the other way though, the crying noise he hated so he either had to do something or be away from it.

@polkadot78, what earl said, is it too late to go back into your business in any way that suits you? Sometimes it’s so overwhelming with dh that I feel it’s be easier to have fewer things to cope with but I’m so much better mentally when I have independent things to do too.