Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Btw did you read the comments at the bottom of the article?

Someone was mentioning the blank expression of her DH when having sex and how creepy it was.
It reminded me of DH, a very far away expression that made me uneasy sometimes.

my DD is having a lot of friendship issues - she won't let any small act of meanness go, she won't ever ask to join in, she won't play any game that she doesn't want to play and can't be in charge of. My DH is driving me crackers as most of his advice is that people do let you down and yes that was mean and that girl isn't nice, whereas I'm trying to get my DD to see that sometimes people are mean in inconsequential ways, and it's worth forgiving and not writing people off because it's better to have some interactions.

Anybody seen any good things on girls with autistic traits and friendships? My DD also doesn't really understand that if she's got a friend and that friend plays with someone else, that doesn't mean she's not her friend anymore.

My DD's worse off than my DH in a way, she actually wants to have lots of friends, my DH doesn't care really.

How old is your dd?

MrsSpocksSister, What is the difference between married to someone on the spectrum vs someone who is just an arsehole?!

I think both conditions/traits can coexist and once past a certain age its unlikely he will change.The decision for you is..Can he listen to your concerns and modify his behaviour enough for you?

Im my case the answer was no, I think ASD gave him little insight into others. Added to that was arrogance from a high status work role so he felt he didn't need to change. The combination was pretty toxic.
Ex knows he doesn't do relationships well but can't figure out why and is too arrogant to attempt to get feedback that might help.
The arrogance is him being an arse. The lack of insight is ASD.

she's 8 hermione.

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/narcissism-vs-aspergers-how-can-i-tell-the-difference-1114174
On the arsehole theme I read this after reading the previous link.

Both gave me food for thought tbh. No dx here, but stbxh has a lot of traits. DS has a diagnosis. Interesting stuff

Really helpful link thanks myoni so much of that ASD list is my OH. He has said things to me which have been devastatingly upsetting, but doesn't understand my reaction (and not said maliciously).

So once when out for a meal he told me that recently when I'd been very ill and he'd left me on my own for the weekend because he had to go to this work event, he hadn't actually had to go, but didn't think he could help. I was really upset and walked out of the restaurant (He'd consistently said to me he had to go in the months after when I'd asked him because I'd found it so hurtful, as I had been severely depressed).

So he admitted to lying to me and also his reason was horrible. He was angry with me for embarrassing him at the restaurant but could not understand why I was so upset.

That was a major turning point for me, not in a good way.

That wasn’t my question, life begins, it was from Arseorwhat.

I’ve been quite low today after reading the article, though. I don’t think my DD has picked up his attitude, she’s very appreciative. But I went on to another thread about lack of intimacy in relationships with a partner on the spectrum and I recognise myself so well. I’m angry and sad that so many years have been wasted.

MyYoni and *colouring” yes. The link is brilliant, my H has said so so many hurtful things over the years, I’ve tried to minimise or forget them but I can’t.
I had a recall letter after a routine mammogram, I had teenaged kids and was thinking the worst. (I was a nurse, sensible, not prone to hysterics, but worried about m6 kids). He came home from work to find me weeping in the greenhouse, he ignored my weeping and started telling me about his day at work. I showed him the recall letter. He shouted “it’s always about you isn’t it. Always about you”.

I remember sobbing on the floor of the greenhouse.

There are many other examples. Why the fuck i married him the following year i really don’t know.

Hello everyone, I've been trying to heal a bit after the summer "holiday", but it's not really going to happen.

I had a bit of a strange moment with my therapist yesterday. I told her DH has broken me. She said that I'd been through trauma before I'd met him. It's true. But I couldn't quite explain how this was different to multiple sexual assaults and some rapes. This evening I emailed her. When we interact with people, it's like a radar bouncing off an object and in turn giving us an idea of where we are, how we are in relation to that person/those people. It helps us in millions of micro ways, define ourselves. With DH there is nothing that comes back to me. There is nothing that originates from him that bounces off me either... So over time I have completely ceased to exist. There's a shell of me, but nothing inside.

The philosophical question about whether a tree makes any noise falling if there's nobody in the forest to hear it, is how I feel my life is, how I am: I'm not heard, so I don't exist.

In one of the Daniel Craig Bond movies (I think, or Brosnan) there's a moment when he's going to be tortured and they say to him there's no point in screaming because nobody can hear you. That's how I feel about my position in my marriage: my pain is irrelevant, my soul - or what was my soul - is irrelevant.

I called an overseas friend today and she didn't have time to talk, but she said, "How are you?" It felt like being bathed in a moment of warmth.

And @earlgreymarl thanks for sharing that article. I had read it before, but forgotten about it. It describes about 80% of my marriage.

Still hoping for Brexit to be cancelled so I can get a divorce "quickly"... Not holding my breath though. It seems I've got a good two more years of this, maybe one, but then I've got to get him to move out. I can't do it myself or I would.** And then it won't be over because of the healing process.

And I wish he was a horrible person, but he's not. He's simply blind and because he's never seen, he doesn't know that he's blind or believe that others (me) can see.

Bluebell

changer so much of what you wrote resonated. It's something I've struggled to identify, name whatever. When OH is here I feel invisible, I disappear and the more time I spend with him the more I feel I don't know who I am any more. Those micro feedback things are vital. He never really understands what I mean when I try and explain myself, even if he pretends he does.

I think OH is definitely on the spectrum. And in many ways, this aspect if him is more damaging than his bipolar (and that's been v traumatic). Sometimes I wonder if he is actually bipolar. The anxiety and depression that accompanies ASD plus bad drug side effects explains a large amount of his symptoms. But then his brother's are definitely not ASD and have major mental health problems so who knows.

coloring I also read this today www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/AS_in_the_Counselling_Room.shtml which really resonated with me. You might hate it but it's relevant I think.

I've recently separated from the father of my DCs. He's not coping well. All this stuff is very much why. Why we've split and why it's so messy. And why I've already grieved for the relationship and why it's come as a huge surprise to him (though it was absolutely not a surprise)

Lol MyYoniFromHull love the name!!

Thanks everyone who has replied about the depression side of things 😔

@wishiwas - me too re Christmas!! And sorry about your DD, that must be really so hard for you both.

@hermione no I didn't read the comments, that sounds disturbing, made me realise I can't remember the last time we had sex! Also that makes sense, what you said about second guessing , DH has said when upset he keeps getting things wrong even though I / he couldn't come up with examples of significance ( at that stage at least). It's like a judgement difficulty. Will try and find that thread, thanks.

@changer you put that so well. You are not irrelevant!! You are important.

Had an interesting ‘discussion’ with H today.
I was explaining how I never get to see the dcs those days as they are always out and about WITH H doing their hobby. One I can’t partake because of my health. I said I was feeling excluded and like I wasn’t part the dcs life with is upsetting
H answers ‘but you shouldn’t feel like that’
Now I explained to him that
1- what I feel is what I feel. He can’t change my feelings
2- telling me I shouldn’t feel like that means negating my feelings and telling me they are wrong.
Cue for him to just walk away (always does) and me feeling crap again. Hurt that I've shown some vulnerability and that it has been used against me. Again.

And I KNOW he didn’t mean to be hurtful. But I felt invisible and ME, the one with feelings etc..l, isnt allowed to exist because it goes against ... well I’m not sure what? An organisation of life that works for him? Or what he sees as good?

Amd the worse bit? I feel crap because I know that by highlighting that his answer isn’t acceptable, I’ve somehow hurt him too (I’ve got it wrong again type of scenario)

I feel you hermione. Can't do right, can we. If we get the hump for them missing the point, our fault for not making them realise.
If we make them realise, oooh hurty feelings from them. We're fucked.

MyYoni didn't hate it. There's stuff we need to say in safe environment as a,result of a v traumatic 6 years. But ultimately at the end of the day, I have to decide if I want to stay with him as he is, no change. I'm mostly thinking, No. It's less lonely being on my own.

Oh, I recognise 'but you shouldn't feel like that'. When his mother continually baited me and put me down: 'why can't you just ignore her?'. When I was trying to sell our house at the beginning of the financial crash and couldn't sleep for anxiety, I tried to talk over decisions with him. He'd just change the subject. When I exploded one day and said 'don't you care at all about this family's future, he said 'well I can't do anything about it (the loss of all our equity in the house) so there's no point worrying'

Hermione - totally feel for you. That exact discussion + reaction has happened with us multiple, multiple times. The bit where you say you can't change your feelings is something I felt I was stating as a fact. If I'd said I can't change the lightbulb, it would have been ok. But it's like there's an allergy to even the word "feelings", not only the actual feelings themselves. It's an intolerable concept somehow.

I think in DHs case - maybe different for yours? - he hears the word and it's simultaneously translated into WARNING! WARNING! INCOMING ATTACK!

I've been following the depression discussion. I don't think my DH has had it, luckily (for us both). If he's a bit down or had something emotionally really difficult, it's like a system overload. He goes to bed early and it's like a system reboot. Almost always, he is back to normal when he wakes up. It's for major things, but I am amazed at how easy it is for him! Maybe a big jealous too - I'll comfort eat, not be able to sleep and feel down for days!

Oh interesting development in our house. I had a discussion with H following his lack of reaction to me looking unwell. Again.
Bottom line I told him that yes I knew he was a decent man but I also thought he was on the spectrum and that made things extremely hard work for me.
He agreed!! So now the ball is in his court to try and make/propose things we can change.

At least, Im hoping that the recognition of his disability will help.

Wow @hermione well done. I hope some positive steps can be taken. Were you shocked when he agreed?

My DP of 7 years has ASD high functioning just something he said to DD last night has really upset me, dp works away all week and DD wanted to show him her homework she had completed, DP looked at her in the most condscending disrespectful manner and said "why would I want to look at that?" poor DD she looked crushed she's 5 years old, I said to DP because she wants praise off you and his face looked blank. He just didn't understand we had sex last night and it was so mechanical and awful he just doesn't kiss me.