Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Still reading, not posting much as we wade through life and exit here.

DH wears his diagnosis with pride at home (doubt he ever admits it elsewhere). Even today, to lighten a particular moment/quell an outburst I smiled and said "spectrum moment". It did actually work but he said "So", I said "what do you mean so"? "So, get over it"!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now but pretty tough when you can't!

DH still making the attempt, although he hasn't washed or shaved today. He's trying to be helpful around the house. He's made a GP appointment although not about his impotence/lack of libido which is one of my main concerns. And he seems to have forgotten all about my birthday present (birthday was in June). It was a mean, dismissive remark about this that triggered the current crisis: I felt so unloved ☹️

I'm sorry everyone for just having negative things to say about my ex. He did do an awful lot of me, and is basically a good-hearted man. And it may be that he finds someone more suited to him (I think it would have to be someone with ASD too though).

Bluebellforest1 Sorry to hear you're going through this. How long have you been with your DH for? Will you be ok getting out, so you have a plan for it? Is there any worry around physical safety?

earlgreymarl I think I realised that it was over at Xmas time. Was with exes family, his Dad is really Aspergers (can't touch, hug anyone) and they were all sat around the Xmas dinner table talking about others in the family with ASD, and extolling their virtues talking about how intelligent they are. Almost as if they were super special. Exes Mum (non ASD but has learnt some behaviours) drinks like a fish (as I ended doing towards the end) just to cope I think. Just realised that I'd rather spend the next Xmas on my own (DD will be with her Dad). But it's obviously taken me a long time to get out (partly due to having to wait until my tenants' lease expired).

theboxofdelights - that sense of pride (from my ex-es family) was what made me want to leave. No-one seemed to quite get, or want to talk about, the impact that AS causes a NT partner. At one point I started crying, left the dining table. Not a single person was interested or cared and I spent most of that evening on my own - the next morning I was painted as an alarmist. Only normal person in their entire family was ex-es brother and his wife - but they refuse to see ex-es parents as ex-es Dad threw a toy at their young child in a temper tantrum because the kid was being noisy). I am so glad I NEVER have to see that family again.

I also think my ex displayed narcissistic tendencies - part and parcel of the ASD I guess but sometimes it was awful. Only ever directed towards me, never towards his family or friends.

Read into the Cassandra Syndrome (I think it's that) which describes the depression that can be caused by continual invalidation by ASD partners. It is quite hard reading though (so trigger alert possibly).

MrsSpocksSister - hugs and to you x

www.google.com/amp/s/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/married-with-undiagnosed-autism-why-women-who-leave-lose-twice-0420164/amp/

Wow. Just read this. It makes sense, though is bleak .

My sort of ex (complicated) has just requested an asd assessment. I've been wondering for a while as he's emotionally disabled. His family have never displayed any emotions or talked about any emotions, and his best friend as a child was a severely autistic boy. Nurture? Nature? He's also been diagnosed with Bipolar in the last year.

@midcentury, wow I bet you are glad to be out of that situ. This Christmas will be much better. First time I read about Cassandra syndrome was about 5 years ago, so sad. I kinda thought "oh it has a name!"

Thanks @bluebell

Sounds like you're better off out of that one then @colouring

Earlgrey. That is it

I meant the article, but having read it sadly you're right.

Funny that it uses the example of a birthday. That was what triggered the crisis for me. But it was long overdue.

Today, he shaved and put on respectable clothes and shoes when we went out. But he had forgotten, yet again, to lock the back doors after the gardeners. What made it worse was that he'd replaced the mats after they left, so he was right there and knew it needed to be done, whereas I was working. I only found out when I checked, last thing tonight.

Can I join you? I'm at the beginning of what I suspect will be a long journey. My DS is currently going thro diagnosis for ASD of some kind. And all this evaluation together with a stressful time has made me realise my H may also be masking a lot of things and be on spectrum somewhere.

Our marriage is in the rocks, I don't feel supported or looked after - he's not even kind. Our conversations are just instructions about what to do (usually I've done something wrong). There is no touching really anymore. I want a hug and a cuddle. He is totally absent from our children as he's either in the shed with his hobby or not listening to them at all. I'm not sure he's ever had a conversation where he's actually listened and wanted to talk to them. This plays out with my daughter not wanting much to do with him at all - she's v young still.

As a result of his inflexibility and absence I do everything. And the things which he consider important around the house no one else cares about (constant paint touching up on walls anyone?).

I'm not sure how much longer I can survive this loneliness, exhaustion from trying to do everything and still getting things 'wrong', keeping up with my career but never able to stay late as H gets grumpy if left with the kids.

What is the difference between married to someone on the spectrum vs someone who is just an arsehole?!

I am not sure I agree with much of that article regarding a child’s perspective tbh.

My family make a huge effort on my birthday, DD included, they all think DH is a complete misery and leave him out of it. His loss, mine too I guess but I have learned to deal with that (well I think).

Whilst I do most of everything I do not keep quiet about living with a dysfunctional husband. I have a great career, I run the house like a single parent would, doing everything but I am not a doormat.

DD is proud of my career, tells me often and tells me she is so proud that I am her mum (usually when we are walking to school for one of her music concerts without DH) because I am strong and kind.

I have no problem with being thought of as strong and kind.

DD knows that her dad opts out and that things like having mum who does everything (like all DIY after working really long hours) isn’t quite right but I really don’t relate to much of that article.

That article has been a very very read for me.
The stuff abiutbthe relationhsip and the hurt, well, yes I know and in some ways, I’ve accepted it.

But the children?? Yes I have seen that many many times with my own dcs who are now teenagers.
The way they have reacted to me in the last which is a copy if the way their dad is reacting and treating me.
We’ve even had a long discussion recently about my job. It’s unusual (and regarded as crap and a bit of ahobby by DH) but I am also doing some teaching at a university (as a professional).
I’ve mentioned to the dcs that I am working as a university lecturer (albeit part time). Their reaction? I was over myself, bugging it up, they didnt take me seriously at all. Dc2 even looked at me bewildered asking if I was paid to do it!?! Amd during all that time, H didn’t say a word to support me and my work. Said a lot didn’t it?
And the distance? Yep I have seen that too.
The ‘mummy is the one always angry’ (because H never utters a word anyway) despite fact he is the one who constantly puts them down.
Etc...

I read that article, saw my life, saw my relationhsip to my dcs and tbh it broke my heart because it just confirmed what I have seen before. The relationship to my dcs, for who I have given and sacrificed so much, disappearing. The one thing that I was holding on, that we could have a great relationship together as adults, becoming more and more distant.

I’m not sure what to do with it. Nor if I can change anything.
But I certainly will not forget (nor forgive)

In the mean time, it has become clear that doing together is impossible. Last weekend was about Dc1 birthday. I asked DH to organise something, he only did half of it, look bemused with simple questions (did he asked if we could bring a cake when dc and cousins were meeting up to celebrate dc birthday for example. Or did he agreed at time my SIL was going to pick her dcs up etc...)
Add some major miscommunication again when I said one thing and he understood another etc...

I’m really really not sure how to deal with it.

Hello @arseorwhat, welcome

Sorry @hermione maybe I shouldn't have posted that article, it just made me think about how to reinforce what was normal which is hard if having to go along with things or be the momentum behind anything the family does or celebrates together.

Well done on your new job. How old are your DCs?

Has anyone struggled with DH being depressed? My DH is actually going to go to the doctor's as he hasn't been feeling well, but can't put it into words, and can't identify why, more recently he has been falling asleep before 8pm and he is not working loads or anything. He is so flat about everything, it is so hard to connect with him.

Everything ends in tears, his and mine, I have tried being supportive.

Thing is though it just puts another barrier up. We can't connect. He says it is pointless speaking to me about it. He thinks it is worse if he did have Asperger's that it would means that's just the way he is.

I am glad he is going to dr's .

But i am angry, my father suffered with depression and the fall out and distruction from that still haunts me. I can't believe we are going through this. We have a lovely DS a lovely home and nothing apart from the usual busyness in life to cope with.

I am angry cos I don't think he has really had any major events in his life to cope with that really made things challenging, I always saw him as stable and sensible .

I just feel like we are going through the motions with some rote learned interactions. There is nothing authentic behind it.

Oh no earl posting that article was very good.

I’m moving from feeling really angry and ready to fight to feeling deflated and depressed, wondering why I’m fighting anymore.

The worst thing is, it’s not even a new job. I’ve been doing that for 3 years now because I AM good at what I’m doing. And the door wide open to take on the whole teaching in that particular area (I can’t do it atm due to other commitments. Next year probably). That would mean managing a whole team of other teachers coming in, organising the whole curriculum in that subject and obviously all the marking etc... for an MSc.
H reaction? Nothing. Absolutely nothing as if it was so insignificant that it wasn’t even worth taking about. To rephrase the article you linked, as if I was worth nothing and whatever I was doing was insignificant.

Well all the new professional adventures sound exciting @hermione , at least you get some validation and recognition outside the home . But that's not the point is it, it must feel like a double life.

It is v hard to deal with the tension , when DS doesn't say anything and DS is there, I switch between acting pissed off and ignoring DH's behaviour and jollying along.

It's one of the reasons I hate family meal time, cos he just says nothing acts weird and I get pissed off thinking isn't this shit, all the while, bless him , DS 6 is a little gem and is for now oblivious.

But he'll notice eventually. I can't imagine them having any jolly interactions / banter together round the table .

earl my understanding about AS and depression is that the person with AS ends up constantly second guessing themselves.
Theyvare often thinking they are doing xxx well just to realise that actually they had got all wrong. Again.
Anxiety and depression seems to be going and in hand with ASD.

There was a thread many many years ago on depression/anxiety (in the health section if I remember well) with people on the spectrum talking their battle with depression. A lot of them said antidepressants did little too. I’ll see if I can find it again.

midcenturylegs I know I’m stating the obvious and on top of all the other problems your dp’s Deafness must have been incredibly frustrating.. but background noise is a massive problem for people with hearing loss and for that issue I would have cut him some slack to be honest- it’s a disability.

Yes I can remember meal times when the dcs were that age (they are 13 and 15yo now).
Tbh I think your ds will have noticed. Dc1 did.
And I have done the ignoring H and jollying everyone along too.

H is interacting more now. But only because I gave him some stock questions to ask and because, for about a year, he suddenly has decided to go back his ‘dating self’ making more efforts to interact with us etc.. (also because I didn’t give him the choice by leaving the dcs with him etc... something regretting now because the consequence of him being more involved has been me being pushed aside).

my DH has had lengthy bouts of depression several times and has anxiety and nightmares keeping him awake after he's had to socialize or travel for work. The doctor at one point begged him to try anti-depressants and he refused, but the last year he's taken St John's Wort and we think it has helped a bit.

He does feel overwhelming despair at being misunderstood, or alternatively hurting someone's feelings when he's been too blunt about something.

It is hard for him - he mostly means well but interaction makes him anxious, then he's almost over the top when he does interact and can go too far with jokes, and if anyone is actually unkind, he takes that very seriously like he's received a wound to his soul - which in a way, because he likes and trusts so few people, I can understand.

earl I hate family meals too - he's not relaxed, he's grumpy, if we get through one without him shouting it is a miracle. I try and feed the kids first always on weekdays. I'm already dreading Christmas!