Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

I sort of feel the same. I do wonder if it could have worked out, if I figured out what was going on earlier than I actually did.

But really, I mostly feel shock and grief. That the person I met and fell for doesn’t exist anymore, if he even really existed to start with. I miss that person.

I have to say, I don’t wonder what I could have done or could do anymore.
Because a relationhsip a two way thing and that means it’s impossible for ONE person to solve an within it. Both people have to make an effort/change (for me that means that one person might actually need to stop accepting some unpleasant behaviourvrathervthan finding ways ‘to cope with it’).

I know I have tried. A lot. I haven’t seen any effort from H.
So the answer is that the relationship issues was doomed, regardless of what I did or didn’t do.

That is the key point - my dh has changed a bit, he makes effort for key anniversaries as he knows i care about it, he's working less on weekends. I've given up on the idea that he'll ever go to any social event at the dcs' school and will always be a lone weirdo with my kids, and I try and email him more if i have something important to discuss rather than getting either a brush off or an angry response any evening if I bring up a contentious issue.

I need to improve how he is around the kids at dinners next - he doesn't have to be there, and he's so often very grumpy when he is. I should video him, he seems to not be able to see himself. I'm sure it's about needing downtime when he comes in.

“That the person I met and fell for doesn’t exist anymore, if he even really existed to start with. I miss that person.”

Yes herbivore, that’s how I feel. Looking back he started to change as soon as we were married, it’s as if he didn’t need to play the role of lover/ nice man/ partner any more.

Hermione I agree, I can’t adapt any more to his needs, when he makes no effort whatsoever, in fact he sees no need to make any effort as it’s me who’s wrong because I don’t think like him!

I’m already a very different person to the woman I was when we met, but now I know what I’m dealing with, I’m beginning to reclaim the real me; I’ve made friends, taken up hobbies, visit friends and my adult kids alone. And more importantly, if push comes to shove, my ducks are in a row. I know what I could afford and where I would go, I have a list of what I would take.

Well, DH is dragging his heels, meant to be going to look for somewhere to live on Thursday and Friday of this week (I am taking DD away at the weekend), only he appears to have had a sudden change of heart.

He now wants to try to make an effort, this was triggered by me taking the artwork off the walls that I know he would like and creating a box of things from the kitchen to get him going in his new place that I don't mind losing. I also emailed him links to swanky furnished places that I know he would think were worthy and said I would be prepared to pay his deposit and first months rent as I know he has had to subsidise his business whilst waiting a big payment.

It seems that (as I sort of slightly suspected) he wasn't truly committed to leaving and that my very clear message was too much for him to deal with.

This morning he "wanted to make an effort", appeared at the door as I was leaving for work to give me a hug (I have not been near the man for months).

Unfortunately he can't keep "wanting to make an effort" up and so tonight, when I asked him to cover the ragu he was defrosting and reheating in the microwave his 'pissy' face appeared, because asking him to cover something in the microwave is clearly an attack and causes him offence (I rarely use it but am sick of cleaning the thing after him when I do).

I won't be unpacking the things I have packed for him because I am certain his effort will not last the week.

I feel really confused to be honest. We discussed it, he was leaving, I am fine with that, DD is fine with that and now it appears he isn't ready to leave.

I am not sure I have remotely changed my mind about him or our situation. I am very conscious that he doesn't have anyone else in the whole world and feel slightly responsible but I am not sure I want him here at all. I want the angry defensive him to tell me he is happy to leave and he is going and to actually follow through with leaving.

He knows that unless he can be the family man we need and put us first I want him to leave, he was leaving, now he doesn't seem to be.

I have no idea how to play this atm, my mindset had completely shifted to being a single parent and living life without him.

Ha the efforts....

H is making a lot of efforts atm. It seems that me being frosty with him and behaving towards him the way he has behaved towards me for years, aka basically ignoring him and make little to no conversation, not really ostenjng to jumping to help and support, has made him think.

Well.... tbh it has pissed me off even more. If he can now realise and do some of things I have asked him to do (like asking me if it’s ok if he does before committing to it, in case I am busy etc...), then why in earth was it seemingly impossible for the last 10 years??

As a PP pointed out, this is just proving it was an ArSe behaviour rather than AS.
And I’m refusing to jump in and down with joy and the fact he suddenly has realised he needs to make an effort.

Besides, it’s more likely to go down hill again if I do mellow (as thebox said you can see the grumpy look in his face still showing up regularly or the not listening etc....)

It's helpful to read what you all say, although the difficulty I'm having is different in some respects. If DH had been grumpy or hypercritical I couldn't have endured it: in fact he's very tolerant, so much so that nothing would get done if it weren't for me. He doesn't lose his temper when he's overwhelmed; instead he withdraws and goes silent or goes to sleep. Having been brought up by a passive-aggressive mother, I used to default to the assumption that I was doing something that secretly enraged him. To this day I don't know what irritates him about me.

He is another one making an effort, eg washing and shaving more. It's been a few days. We'll see.

"That the person I met and fell for doesn’t exist anymore, if he even really existed to start with. I miss that person.”
I keep reading this over and over as it sums up so perfectly how i feel and yet something in my stupid heart always overwrites this knowledge with a bit of ridiculous hope. Why oh why am i still doing this after so long? I want to ask those of you who managed to give up false hope, how did you do it? Is it just a case of going through unbearable disappointment about 1000 more times or is there a short cut? It's so frustrating when your head can see it so clearly but the feelings wont die.

@rebel For me it’s a case of survival tbh.
I’ve been hurt so many times that I just couldn’t afford to be hurt again.

I ended up ill because all what happened. I just had no other option than starting to look after myself. That meant amongst other things to detach from it all.

I've been lurking here for a while, trying to sort out want I want to say and how to ask for advice.

I'm in a slightly complicated situation in the I (DW) have a diagnosis of Apserger's and it seems, since seeing a couples therapist who specailises in autism, that DH probably has more at least Asperger's too, and possibly also ADHD. He is in the process of getting assessed, but is not really committed to the process. We also have at least one child with an ASD diagnosis.

I'm at my total wits end with my marriage, and agreed to separate with my husband several months ago. Then he had a change of heart and decided that as he hadn't acutally made an effort yet, perhaps we sould give it another try. I didn't really get a say on that.

Now, several months later, he is starting to make small efforts. But it is so slow... and I don't know if I can cope for much longer. Everything is such a battle when he is involved, and I'm much happier with just the kids and me. We have done all our holidays this year without him and it has worked reall well (this, even though I am the stressiest over-planner crazy autisitc mother when it comes to changes of place and routine, and one DC doesn't cope with change).

I think I want to have somewhere to vent, somewhere to try to unpick what behaviour from my DH is because he is an entitled tosser who has never had to grow up and what is Asperger's.

I think it is really tough, working out what is Aspergers and what is something else.

I feel really deflated about DH deciding not to go, I have told him that I think staying is pretty pointless, that we don’t appear to like each other very much or have any common ground left.

But I want him to realise all this for himself and choose to go rather than me making him go. Not sure how long I can manage for but it would be much nicer all round if that were to happen.

NameChange,

There’s a very good speaker, Sara Hendrikx, who also does marriage counselling, I think. Both she’s and her husband are on the spectrum. Worth looking her up?

Yesterday, yet again, I found the garage door unbolted and the Yale on the latch. This means there was only an internal door between us and the street and I can't remember if that was locked when I came down. DH looked blank. Couldn't remember when he opened them, not concerned. I had carefully locked them all after the gardener had been yesterday (DH could easily do the garden, he has oceans of time, but he doesn't).
This is a recurring theme. I frequently come home from work to find the front door open, often with his keys in it. I recently took the keys out of the key safe for good, because he used them and left them in the porch. We've only been burgled once (because he left the back door unlocked) but I can't feel safe in the house. The burglary didn't seem to teach him a lesson, maybe because nothing he cared about was stolen.
Sometimes I just decide that house security has to be my responsibility but I work and it's hard for me to stay up later than he does. And I think he should have some responsibility for something.
Does this ring a bell with anyone? I'm tired of saying the same thing over and over again, in fact I'm sick of myself but I can't just let it slide.

That is worrying @MrsSpock. My husband used to keep his wallet in the car. Literally no reminding from me would prevent him from doing this. He said it helped him to remember his wallet for work (to buy lattes and the like eye roll). One night, earlier this year, he didn't lock the car door and guess what! His wallet was stolen. He was miserable about it. Spouting off about how the wallet was sentimental because it was from me. He knew it was his own fault. He now anxiously locks the car every night and never leaves his wallet there. Luckily someone found all of his cards, discarded in an alleyway.

Would it be too cruel to hide / take away something precious to show him what will happen if he leaves the door open?

Hermione said “For me it’s a case of survival tbh.
I’ve been hurt so many times that I just couldn’t afford to be hurt again”.

That’s me too, he’s hurt me dreadfully over the years and I couldn’t let it continue.

So I’ve detached from him, I don’t engage if I can help it. Until I realised what I was dealing with, I’d become a shell of my former self. Now I put myself first, most of the time. He doesn’t seem to notice tbh.

DH is trying harder than he ever has before with personal hygiene and helping in the house. We've agreed to put sex on the back burner until the counselling comes round (we're on a waiting list, or at least I think we are). We have house guests for two weeks so our focus is on them. I'm calmer and sleeping better. How is everyone else doing?

MrsSpocks I’m doing ok ish, as I said before I’m very detached from H. (Sorry can’t bring myself to call him DH). We live almost like housemates. Personal hygiene is a problem, so I sleep in another room.

Interesting what you wrote previously about your DH leaving doors unlocked; my H worked in a bank 30 odd years ago and is usually (bloody irritatingly) obsessed with locking doors, to the point of locking the back door if I’m out in the back garden or walking the dog, and if challenged says “it’s not my fault, it’s habit from the bank”. Bollocks.

However lately he’s forgotten a few times. Not sure if this is him losing the plot (he’s 62) or due to his excessive alcohol intake. I’ve come downstairs a few times to find the back door unlocked. Luckily we have a dog and we live in a tiny village.

Hi everyone. Just catching up with posts. Things have been ok here, but I think we have just found a new standard ops way of living. No meltdowns passed couple of weeks, I haven't addressed Asperger's with him cos it's a catch 22 - pick a calm time and it might cause a few days of misery or wait until the next significant episode but we won't then be able to have a calm conversation about it.

Sometimes you see dips in behaviour / onset of a new bout based on the oddest things can tell by that expression on the face. I wonder if he even knows he is going into one of those moods, or is feeling a particular way.

Also - what about eating? God I really don't enjoy family meals. He can't seem to enjoy a meal and chat like a normal person, at home at least, I am sure he can when at work or in social situations when expected to " perform".

So it's awkward and quiet and no free flow of conversation. He will quite often just stare, I try and have a laugh with my DS though, through the tension.

He is so fussy with food, I have given up. Tonight he made the usual dry pasta, and had put some butter on it cos he thought it might be too dry, and then had clearly repulsed himself with this choice and sat with a face on. If it was me, and I wrecked my "meal" with too much pepper or whatever, I would be like " oh gross I can't eat that!" but he went all odd and sorry for himself.

Also when he eats, he has definitely got more gross over the years. He has always been a Slurper but he positively inhales when eating or drinking. Now when he eats with a spoon, it's like he can't gauge how to put a decent amount on, keep it on the spoon and get it to his mouth, so he is hunched over, beans or milk dripping off the spoon, but it's not overfilled or anything, there might not be loads or a normal amount on there.

Sorry that is gross but , when I see it I positively wince and think, shit what about when you are 60? He eats normally when out and is more adventurous with food then.

But FFS, if I eat beans, I just take a spoonful and eat it, normally. It kills me !!!

my DH just looks like he's being poisoned by either my cooking or the noise of the children if he hasn't cooked and they aren't being completely silent, he does scrape his plate constantly though which is pretty unpleasant.

I have considered getting a toddler knife and fork for DH to slow him down when he eats and get him to take smaller mouthfuls. He takes a ludicrous amount in one mouthful and it's not pretty. But he enjoys eating at the table with us and with guests and he converses happily. We've had a young family with toddler staying and he's been very helpful. I do love him and I want us to stay together but I'm not ready to be celibate or to put up with feeling unappreciated.

Hi all
Reading through these posts and everything you're saying makes complete sense. I've left my AS partner (formally diagnosed by Maxine - the lady who's written all of those books). But I'm still trying to unpick the leftover feelings I have and to try to understand them.
Things that really worried me and irked me - and made me end up being totally disgusted by him;

• He left his keys in the front door a dozen times. This with myself and daughter in the house. He'd locked the door but had not managed to take his keys with him.
• His eating habits were disgusting - as someone else said he sort of inhaled his food and had this weird gasping/whistling sound whilst swallowing.
• Never initiated sex - made me feel like a nymph at times
• restless leg syndrome. This the main cause of us not sleeping together. He didn't believe me until I showed him the frayed sheets where his toenails were ripping them (ugh, cut them ffs but please don't do it at the dinner table!!)
• really bad body odour - coming from his head. Got worse towards the end and I gagged going in to his room
• scary face. Even when just concentrating his face looks like thunder, pursed lips, giant angry furrows.would love to post a picture but that's obvs not fair
• tantrums. Totally inappropriate in front of my DD - and over the most stupid and pathetic things (example - I didn't wait for him to cross the road once after he had parked the car and he realised we needed a ticket. It was pouring so to get out of the rain I ran into the shop we'd visited).
• Deafness. Yes he has hearing problems but he spent 1000s on hearing aids. It's more that I could say something and his response was always "sorry?" Even when he had heard me, just the cognitive wheels didn't let the message get understood if he's focusing on something else for about 5 seconds. Have to repeat everything I say, every single time.
• lack of ability to enjoy time doing nothing. Gets angry with sitting around talking (tbh all his friends are like that though, all climbers and skiers)

So I've left him. I coordinated it so he thinks he's broken up with me so he didn't have a series of angry outbursts. Some of my furniture is still at his house so I've got to remain on good terms with him otherwise he may destroy it all. But I feel like I may let rip at how much he has eaten away at my soul after this is all over.

• Sigh.

Still feeling the effects. Went out last night to a comedy festival with friends and enjoyed myself but was thinking how much he would have been irritated with it as 1) he'd complain he couldn't hear the comedians and 2) he'd find the background noise (clapping) too much and he'd get angry.

Why did I put up with this for so long?!

Hi mid century, well congratulats for getting to the other side.

Did it take quite a while to realise what was wrong? It's easy to accept the various behaviours and irritations as the norm over time isn't it .

I wish you all the best with this new phase of your life. It is sad you had to engineer the situation but I can totally get that.

This morning DH was entering another weird mood / sulk phase and we nearly had a spat over a tiny thing.

But I said to him, I think you have Asperger's .

So I have said it now and I feel better for doing so.

Cos I have nothing to lose as I am basically on the receiving end / managing behaviour or tolerating it anyway, it might be better to have it out in the open and for him to understand why he feels or struggles it acts how he does.

earlgreymarl well done you. I so want to say those words but I’m just not brave enough yet. I know that if I say it I’ll be on the receiving end of a massive rant because THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT”.

midcenturylegs well done you too. I’ll have to plan leaving so that it’s all my fault - it’ll be a small price to pay. My ducks are in a row. I know I’ll feel guilty, leaving this poor vulnerable (three times married!) man to fend for himself.

The eating stuff, it’s a nightmare. He has a very limited menu that he’ll eat, (mainly nursery food). Anything slightly different is viewed with great suspicion, as if I’m trying to poison him. This evening I’m cooking a chilli, realised halfway through that we didn’t have kidney beans.....I said “I’ll use cannelini instead” , he almost had a meltdown, head in hands........”oh god, it won’t work, it won’t work”.
I ignored this ridiculous behaviour, and as others hav3 said I can have no respect for him at all.