Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Hang kn there changer,

changer

It’s hard, bloody Hard.
I think I’ve gone through all the different emotions you can think off. From full blown anger to despair and the feeling I just didn’t exist anymore.

Hang on there. It will get better.
I think that, because of their (actually very real) needs, we are forced to look inwards in our relationship all the time. Managaing the moods, the environment, how we communicate etc....Starting to look outwards has been one of the most essential thing for me to do.

May I join you? I'm dipping in and out and mulling it all over. I knew from the start that DH had a heavy genetic loading for ASD but his high functioning and his warmth and passion for me convinced me that some of his dysfunctional behaviour was just learned and could change. When it didn't, I compensated. We were preoccupied by bereavement, serious illness (his) and caring responsibilities for some years but I've recently reached a crisis point, feeling lonely, unappreciated, exhausted and anxious. Reading these threads has convinced me that we should take a proper look at where he is on the spectrum. I'm partly hopeful, that I may gain new insights, or he may. To be honest I'm partly hopeless too. He came to an assessment at Relate but that was relatively superficial (though it did help). Thank you all for describing how you feel. That's helping me a lot 💐

Hello MrsSpocks and welcome.
Do read through and join in!
You might also want to check out www.different-together.co.uk for more info, and also their forum.

changer you are a saint for doing 4 days. That would be an all time personal best for me with DH's family.

did anyone read 'the rosie project', to go off at a tangent - it's about an NS/NT relationship starting and there are 2 more I've not read yet. It's very upbeat, I'm interested to see how the story develops but it was a nice rom-com and reminded me a bit of the early days, in a good way.

There is a bit in the book where Don (the central character who doesn't realize he has aspergers) explains that if he does one of 4 things in a certain order, sex is the likely outcome and he randomly leaves one of them out so that he's not too obvious - I am fairly sure my DH also has such a script :)

Wish - I did 12!! It was his sister who did 4!!! So I've said no more than 4 days for me in the future!

Ha sorry I lost the key detail! 12 days!! I’d need a spell in a floatation tank to recover from that!

wishiwas I have read the Rosie project - had forgotten about it but may re-read.

@orlanda I read Different Together book at weekend - it was validating and interesting thank you. I'm definitely going to broach the subject with DH.

More palavas over the weekend - including with his family - have decided never again in terms of me organising or hosting birthday or Christmas celebrations. I mainly do it for my son and cos I think it will be nice but it's too joyless, unappreciated and there's a whole weird mood / not speaking thing that is so frustrating and sad, especially if you have put the effort in and always trying to please / balance everyone's interests. Exhausting. Never again.

And also at my DS 6TH birthday party, I specifically asked DH to do pics and video key points being pass the parcel and the cake / singing. He took some pics and forgot the video, so that's another moment lost for me. So pissed off at him for that, I went to such effort and the party went great , cake and decorations were fab. So bloody annoying!!

I had to get another mum to take photos at dd’s last party - there is a Rosie project coming out where their child is 10, one thing a bit missing in it is complete refusal/avoidance of social activities, he doesn’t seem to do a lot of that in the first book but maybe that’s due to the romance

Wishiwas ah is there? Will have to check it out. Yes usually it's my sister who I rope in to do photos, but I was reliant on DH that day 🙈

mine also refuses to be in photos for the most part - i'm not sure why. Sometimes I repeat to myself 'a plan that relies on dh is a plan that's likely to fail' - not sure that's entirely fair but often feels like that!

Yeah it'll be interesting to see if the next book follows the dynamic we see of increasingly difficult behaviours over time as the relationship gets more and more established - the protagonist Don spends 39 years on his own, after all, you'd think that going from that to a family would cause quite a few adjustment issues.

I made the mistake of looking at AspergerPartner the other day. The bitter, angry tone just resonated with the hopeless part of me.
I've been trying to speak to DH when I'm calm. I decided to tell him in concrete terms a few things he could do (wash, shave, clean the loo after himself) that would make me feel better. Same things I've been saying for 22 years.
Yesterday I tried asking him if he remembered the previous night's conversation. He reacted as though I was beating him up - I mean literally put his arms up round his head, sighing and making whining noises.
I've decided to stop trying to talk to him about problems for a month, to focus on my own health. Then we'll see where we are. I've said if he wants to go to the GP or see a psychologist I'll go with him.
I'm so sad, though ☹️

Checking in, I hope everyone is ok. I am reading but not posting as I feel like I will be a Debbie Downer, nothing nice to say, it is all incredibly negative here while we manage the exit process.

thebox I feel the same, I read but I really can’t summon up anything positive to say, so mostly it’s easier to say nothing. I don’t want to drag my negativity into the thread.

I've been dipping into and out of this thread but never posted but feel I want to now.

I think STBEXH could be on the spectrum. And by accepting that I am getting the answers I think I need.

He was very unempathetic. I'll never forget when my cousin died and I went to him (we weren't living together at the time) and told him. After an hour, he went to his mum and said "CatLady's cousin has died, but it's ok, Cat is fine now" I was and still am gutted to have lost my cousin.

He hated me receiving presents that he perceived to be of greater value than what he got even on my birthday and from my own family and friends. He'd complain and say "why do I never get anything nice/expensive". So I stopped showing him presents and lied to him when my granddad or my mum or my friends spontaneously bought me something. And if I ever spent any money on myself he'd moan about how we never spend any money on him (despite him having a PS+ Membership, Netflix (admittedly shared), expensive phone, and cigarettes every month while I tried to save money and not use it on myself).

He wouldn't let me have the wedding I wanted as he didn't want people to look at him.

He would only let me shop in one specific supermarket. Even if I bought the same brands, he wouldn't eat them if I'd bought them from a different supermarket because he didn't know whether he'd like the food bought from somewhere else.

He'd get angry. But say he didn't know why or what caused his issues, that he'd just see red and then he'd lose him temper and damage furniture. He did also hurt our DD twice and me at the very end.

And that's just the start. Since our split he still can't see how he was in the wrong, keeps telling other people that I'm stopping him seeing our DD (I'm not I just insist it needs to be supervised). At least I don't have to live with it anymore.

Oh that felt good. Very cathartic. I've told people in real life but they can't force him to go for a diagnosis. I don't want to seem like I'm slagging him off or I'm hateful of him, because I don't hate him at all, I actually feel quite sad for him if he is on the spectrum because it's not his fault and he is actually a really clever man and quite funny when you get to know him, he just struggles a lot with daily life I think.

My DP has Aspergers and I wouldn't change him for anything. It keeps the relationship interesting, if not infuriating at times but I love our relationship 95% of the time

Reading all of these is very reassuring. I’m 5 years single after leaving my ex, an act he regards as completely unfair and illogical. He did things like:

• Before bed each night he’d take everything I’d put in the dishwasher out, and reload it “properly”.
• every one of my birthdays in our 8 year relationship, he went to an overseas sporting event with the boys. When I protested, he said he always went and it wasn’t his fault it was that weekend.
• in 6 years of ds’s schooling, I asked him to attend once because I had a big meeting with a govt dept that I couldn’t miss. He looked at me like I’d two heads, and said “ of course I can’t go, I’ll be at work” (I also work full time)
• according to him lunch was at 1pm. Not 12.55, not 1.05. Ever!
• In our whole time together we went to the same one restaurant. His reasoning was that we wanted to eat out, it was close by and he liked the food. So why would we go elsewhere.
• he didn’t understand what holidays were for - relax, change of scenery, spend time with family - so he didn’t see the need to come along.
• wearing clothes until they were fit for the bin despite a high income.
• refusal to throw out anything.

I’m starting to feel like my old self, but it’s taken longer than I thought. I am not stupid, needy, unreasonable.
He still argues that my leaving was illogical & unfair. But he’s teaching our ds to play chess which is a positive.

everyone. That is very hard @mrsspocks .

I echo a lot of what has been said upthread, for me DH viewing everything as an attack has and continues to be very very wearing.

I have ‘tantrums’ and rant in his eyes because everything is viewed as an attack.

For instance today the loo in the ensuite was not clean 🤮, I cleaned it because I didn’t want to use it as it was. The room smelled and I wanted a shower. I said (in a calm tone) ‘you know DH i don’t expect to have to clean the loo after you’.

Queue I was ranting having a tantrum I have caused all these problems and it is my fault he is leaving.

Bloody wearing.

Earlgreymarl, glad you enjoyed it, no magic wand but helpful, I think. Do think of giving it a review on GoodReads, please...

Oh the loo...

Not in a good place here so not going to say more.

Has anyone read this article from Maxine Ashton? It's intended for counselling professionals to read, but does reference the criticism issue. www.maxineaston.co.uk/published/AS_in_the_Counselling_Room.shtml

I sympathise greatly with this problem, my DH interprets the slightest question/comment/guidance as criticism/attack.

A recent incident over the weekend led to him roaring at the top of his voice, calling me a C-word in-front of my mother, all because I asked him not to put filthy DIY equipment on the sofa.

Thanks @london , will have read.

I read it London.

Whilst I am at the end of the road here a little part of me will always wonder if I could have done something to cope better or made changes that made our marriage viable.

The article quotes "If the client appears to be severely affected by it or in complete denial that he has any problems and blames his partner or the children, then it is unlikely that counselling will be successful".

Complete denial here.

a little part of me will always wonder if I could have done something to cope better or made changes that made our marriage viable.

I feel the same theblxofdelights. I still wonder what I could of done to make it work.