Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

earlgreymarl

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome and The Asperger Couple's Workbook: Practical Advice and Activities for Couples and Counsellors by Maxine Aston are two that i had. They seemed useful and had tips on communication that i'm sure would have helped, but my DH would not do it, so it didn't work.

Peachsnowpop
The more you post about you DH the more it sounds like mine. His most used sentence is 'what can i do to help' to.

Thanks *@iamsadness" I think would be in the same boat there, don't think he'd do it. Sorry it didn't work for you, it sounds good on the face of it.

DH is back. He will be moving out in the next few weeks. I know it is of my own making (the decision not the problem) but I am finding it very hard.

I miss him, I miss his physical presence even though I find him infuriating most of the time. Perhaps that is just habit.

DD has been so happy for the last two weeks. There is no pressure. DH text me a few days ago to say ‘you should play tennis, DD hasn’t played for more than a week’. I asked DD who said she didn’t want to play tennis, I said that was absolutely fine, no problem at all. ‘What a relief mum, I don’t have a choice when Dad is here’. This is a theme, he doesn’t realise that he sucks the joy out of the nicest things.

Sucks the joy because everything is so intense and the power to choose is removed. Less so for me as I have made my own wishes clear in recent years but now DD notices it and that isn’t what I want for her.

After being strong for so long I am struggling a bit now we are this close. It is like I am grieving for what I am losing even though I don’t get what I need from it to make me happy.

When I look at the other men in my close family I feel like such a bloody failure.

I have also had a realisation that for as long as I stay in this house alone I will have to watch what I spend, I am lucky not to have had to do that for a very long time.

We (DD and I) are going to the cinema on Sunday and my first thought was oh we can have Sunday lunch at X, second thought .... we should not have lunch at X because I will be living alone in a big house and I need to see how the first month without DH’s salary goes. (I have told him to keep his salary this month to help with the moving costs).

I will be fine but divorcing someone you love because you can’t deal with their behaviour is tough even if you think you are doing the right thing.

I am dreading the moving out process, I know DH won’t be very nice at times because he won’t be getting his own way.

I remembered something the other day. When we met it all seemed to move a bit too quickly for me. I had just started a new job and a month in DH was at my house virtually every evening. I worked long days with my commute and after two weeks of my new job I asked him for a bit of space, said that I needed to come home to my own place, be able to light the fire and have some space.

I remember thinking his reaction was odd/intense/brooding, I understand it now I know what I know but the signs were there from the word go, just a) hidden and b) I was ignorant, I presumed that he was as straightforward as I am, because he hid it very well.

Box my DH and I can't live separately for visa issues (thanks Brexit for taking my freedom) but I recognise everything you're saying. The needing him gone, knowing it's best for you but still feeling love for him.

I also think your feelings make perfect sense.

Sucks the joy because everything is so intense and the power to choose is removed.

YY to that!

I have been away on hols with the dcs.
H is in full ‘pick me up dance’ mode, been kind, talking (!! About his own interests but actually talking to me which hadn’t happened for AGES!!). He even thought about it asking about Dc1 who was receiving some GCSE results yesterday (again unheard off!).
If I hadn’t been burnt so many times, I could nearly fall for it again.

Well that is until he made a snippy remark about the dcs been in ‘holiday mode still’ because they were still sleeping at 7.30am. Or had his disapproving look on his face because I asked about an item I didn’t recognised/remembered about.

Changer what is your timescale to be able to take the decision to leave?

I am stuck where I am for another 5 years (for the dcs).
I’d love to see H move out BUT Brexit has made things so unstable that it doesn’t feel safe to do so iyswim - it’s me who might end up in trouble to stay in the uk (so I want at the very least the confirmation that I have the Settled Status first and that the economy isn’t going to tank up too much)

Hermione well we broke up 16 months ago. We have other complications because I've "followed" him for his work in different countries and was unable to work in them. So I've no career and am studying now. He's very sympathetic of this (and I'm still enabling his career by staying abroad for him to be near the kids so I'm not just taking from him!).

So I first have to get a residency here (EU country) and after that I'm going to apply for his nationality (a different EU nationality). I've been told by lawyers to expect that to take two years. I have to do language tests for both before both applications... I could have started it before but it's a LOT of work (on top of my other studies, kids, dealing with DH) and I was hoping actually I stupidly expected the UK government to have this sorted and I didn't want to do it all unnecessarily.

We were supposed to be living in different houses, so we downsized and bought a place small enough that we could get a second one. Only now we're in it DH has decided he's not ready to buy the second place... and there's absolutely nothing I can do because I can't even rent somewhere. But now we have to be married in a public way (live together, shared finances etc) in order for me to get the residency permit and later the nationality. So whether it's because of the man I'm married to or the men (+May) who are messing around with Brexit, I can't choose how I want to live.

Sorry, that was longer than necessary! It is incredibly stressful for me though and yet again, DH just plods on as normal, a concern here or there, but generally unbothered. Meanwhile I'm studying languages, Brexit documents, immigration info etc.

That sounds really tough Changer. I am finding three months very hard because I am not an emotionally detached type and detaching is very hard when you still have feelings.

I applied for a job 50 miles from home which pays 25% more than I earn (which means an extra £4K a year in employers pension contributions. Just heard that I have got an interview. I will attend but if I am offered the job will have to weigh up being 50 miles from home/DD with DH no longer at home. Shame I would have loved it when I applied two months ago before my decision.

Box that sounds a brilliant opportunity.

When DH isn't at home, he doesn't cease to be a father - so perhaps there's a way to work it , including if you can work remotely one day a week (only possible in certain sectors I realise!). Thing is in the UK there's this idea of weekend fathers with maybe a midweek day too. Where I live it's much more - MUCH more - common to have 50-50 care. Perhaps you wouldn't need that much, but I can't see any reason why your career should suffer, especially when I guess if it were a job he applied for that he would be able to take it? You are both parents and you have shared responsibility: the majority shouldn't be on you, even if he's not the best parent.

And aside from your career suffering, your pension contributions shouldn't either! Maybe also increased childcare would be like an investment in your future pension?

As an aside, when I told DH it was over marriage-wise I made a massive, point repeated at every opportunity over the long term about it being the end of a marriage, but not our parenting relationship and we had a choice (that point I've made about 1000 times, wish I was kidding!) as to how that relationship is. I told him that as divorce goes we're lucky because we don't hate each other and neither of us betrayed the other. I've shown again and again that I want him to be around the kids, I'm not separating him from them, and that I'm being fair (not emptying bank accounts etc). OF COURSE he didn't believe me, but now he's experienced all of what I've said he's much more relaxed, because lo-and behold, I actually knew what I was talking about! 😂

I say all this because the Aspergers relationship dynamics are unusual, but so is the divorce. There are avenues closed to us that would be open to others, and vice versa. Perhaps there's something in all that which could be a bit useful - and perhaps not!

Thanks Changer, that makes a lot of sense.

I can't quite decide how it will all work at the minute. DD will definitely not want to spend half of the week with DH, she would the nice DH but that doesn't last half of the week.

I feel that I need to reclaim our home as my safe space, space away from him and the rest of the world if that is what I need.

DH will not live in the same place where we live now, he will move to somewhere with more of a 'vibe'. Despite his age he has never got over the things he did as a student, hanging out in coffee shops or going to bars with live music etc,. etc.. He doesn't do that now of course but I know he longs to.

He will also be desperate for sex (high sex drive) and has already told me that 'he plans on enjoying himself' which means going out to bars and finding someone to take home.

So, he will be either ten miles or twenty five miles away from where we live. We need to live here for the next six years so that DD can walk to school.

I am not sure he will drive, he prefers public transport and takes buses and trains despite the fact that we have a £££££ car sat on the drive and public transport costs aren't cheap (£10 for a ten mile return bus ride anyone??).

DD is quite a shy kid, works hard at school and has a few friends but isn't at the age where they meet up much after school yet, maybe once or twice a month so if I wasn't home much she would be home alone.

So, it is unlikely that DD will stay with him during the week, I don't want her home alone and I am not entirely sure I want him here in my home which is what him sharing childcare will entail, he will need to be here in my home for two nights during the week.

I am a bit torn as these jobs are rare, people stay until retirement. It is what I do for a living now but this is in a bigger organisation. I won't see that much of a difference in take home pay really after higher rate tax, higher rate pension and travelling costs but the pension benefits are very attractive at my age.

It's funny but it occurred to me recently that I know how W is going to behave or act, or what she will say in any particular situation, but I don't really know what she thinks about.

I'm feeling rather ground down at the moment too. I can relate to the point about negativity as sometimes it feels as though every single thing Dh encounters serves to fuel his outrage at the monstrous stupidity of the modern world.

Sitting watching the TV can be torture because he moans about literally everything (apparently everyone and everything is pointless, juvenile, uneducated, unnecessary, you name it), and I have to bite back the urge to round on him and just tell him to STFU, frankly. It's utterly depressing and makes me want to crawl away and hide. Thing is, I'm not sure whether this is just him being a bad-tempered git (entirely possible) or something more on the spectrum. It's joy-sucking at its worst though.

To all this he's now also become obsessed with the speed of our internet connection and is researching it in minute detail, wanting to discuss it with me at every opportunity. If I hear him start to go on about download speeds and fibre-optic cables and the distance we are from the junction-box one more time, I might just run away for good.

Oh yes my DH is so picky about tv, very little passes the test, so many categories vetoed even in the higher quality dramas, he doesn’t like drama at all. I don’t suggest things because he takes the mickey all the way through and ruins it. I’m glad he’s not obsessed about researching our Wi-fi connection though - that sounds very dull

Same here re TV, in fact we have only had one for three years. Most films are not worthy, they have to be slightly alternative.

Worst are political programmes when his overbearing opinion kills me.

We have a sport we both like and have since childhood - DH keeps up a near constant narration on the technical finer points and even tries to demonstrate at times so I can fully appreciate the beauty of the game!

I’ve almost stopped watching TV with H due to the joy-sucking. Until he retired 6 months ago, he worked away every other week and I could watch what I wanted. Now, he’s obsessed with the bloody thing, he’s in charge of the remote, plans “our” viewing and watches stuff I’m not interested in - quizzes and crap comedy (like stuff from the 70’s) or really vile sexist comics.

I tend to take my crochet or a book and the radio into the garden, or into another room.

He doesn’t like drama and like iwishs DH, makes stupid comments when I try to watch something. I’m planning to download stuff to my iPad to watch on my own. I really can’t bear the thought of his ridiculous comments all through “call the midwife” again.

Day two here of return post business trip and I know I am doing the right thing. I will try to hang onto these moments. When he isn’t here I sort of half forget who he has become.

Snippy, negative, adds nothing positive at all. Has no respect at all for our home environment.

He grew up with a narc mother and her various husbands in a filthy mansion with cat/dog poo all over the place and his standards around the house are absolutely vile. The room he is sleeping in looks like student accommodation. Wardrobe doors open, unmade bed, clothes everywhere.

Everything is just so wrong when he is here.

Hello, I've only just found this thread. Someone mentioned that it's a second thread. Please can someone kindly point me to the first? Sorry if I've missed a link somewhere. I've found much of what I've read so far enormously helpful, so thank you ✔️

Sorry that was meant to be 💐

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers?pg=1&order=

Brilliant threads I agree. Good luck @Auriga

Hi everyone, I'm not here so often and feel I'm taking more than giving at the moment. I'm so, so exhausted from the 12 day's at Asperger's Central. I don't know how to get my energy back. I can't go away - we have no real backup childcare and DH works away some nights.

I saw my therapist today and talked about it all - and cried, which is very unusual for me. She's supportive (and knows all the ins and outs), but she can't actually change things for me. Nobody can apart from me..yet thanks to Brexit I really am stuck until residencies etc are in my passport.

If I'm overexposed - as I was when we were away - I end up feeling like there's nothing left inside me. Like a shell. I took DC to a birthday party at the weekend and was talking to other parents (who I didn't know). At one point a mother was looking me in the eyes while talking to me and i had the realisation,"Oh, she thinks I'm human." It was such a shock and so nice.

I'm also kind of switched off and on autopilot when he's around, or going to be. That doesn't make be the sort of mother I want to be. It's devastating. I can't engage and feel free and light and fun and energetic with the kids when he's around. I can't explain why exactly, but it's like he can be a heavy weight and i need to centre planning around him being ok with whatever's going on or I have to argue.

I long to have a warm loving supportive family who could come and stay and help or we (kids and I) could stay with. I don't have that though. And possibly if I had I guess I wouldn't have been so attracted to DH.

I'm just sharing really, not expecting any solutions - there really aren't any right now. Thanks for reading!

Hi Changer, and well done for surviving!
I get the exhaustion after 12 days with the in-laws.

H’s mother died over 3 years ago, and had dementia most of the years I knew her, but I’m increasingly thinking that she had AS, lots of odd behaviours even before the dementia kicked in. H’s older sister (also many many AS traits,) and mum used to come to us for weekends about 5 times a year. I remember having to gear myself up for the visit, questioning my sanity during the visit and taking a couple of days to wind down afterwards. To have to endure that with small kids would probably have killed me.

I also get what you said about not having a warm and supportive family to help, my mum died when my eldest was 2 and before the others were born. I’m an only child and my then husband had no family in this country. My best friend, who I’d known since we were 2, was in a similar position, we often looked after each other’s kids, and we were so jealous of parents who offloaded their offspring onto grandparents for the weekend! When she died, aged 50, the bottom dropped out of my world. She’s the only person apart from parents, who has ever truly had my back.

and for you.

Hi Changer

I totally feel for you DW family is something of an AS or at least very neuro atypical. Christmas two years ago was so bad I now refuse to go to kind of gathering lasting more than two nights.

It must be really tough with the added Brexit issues.

Could you not make excuses next time, fly in for a couple of nights then fly out again, this is what I do and it's OK. Plus gives me a break on my own in between.

Changer I get you.

Incl I can't engage and feel free and light and fun and energetic with the kids when he's around.
I’ve had that feeling a lot too.

Been in a similar position, What seems to be working for me is detachment.
I purposely ignore the grumbles, face showing disapproval (loads of them) etc etc.
I engage as much as I can with the dcs when we are together, trying to bring the ‘fun me’ despite the clear fact H is disapproving of it/is getting annoyed etc etc
I am building my own life wo H, doing the things I enjoy and building 1-1 time with my dcs, wo him.

The Brexit situation is making things much harder and I’m sure is keeping some couples (AS or NT) together when they wouldn’t otherwise. Finding a way to co habit is hard.
Tbf though, H been an aspie has had one good unintended consequence. He hasn’t asked ONE question as to why I have disengaged so much.... actually he seemed quite content that there is no emotional stuff going in anymore. It’s quieter and easier for him (so he is also nicer to be around!)

Yes Hermione I have recognised that advantage too. I've also wondered if along with that is me becoming engrained/used to behaving in a way I'd consider verging on rude, and then I worry it'll stick and I'll end up being anti social forever! 😂

Daft I did tell him that I'm not going for more than four days ever again - if his sister can't do it, why should I? He agreed - although who knows what that means. He agreed to not do solo sports every day on this trip and he did between 2-4 he's daily...

The thing is, I have a brother who we see (if past years are anything to go by) for three days once every three years - so basically never. That's my family. DH has a married DB and a married Dsis. They both have kids. So me being there if other family is around means it's Theo my time I get to see my kids with their family. And they're so happy and content, it's lovely to see. I know with the divorce I'm going to stop ever witnessing that. It's so precious I know that I'm going to find it hard to know that DH gets to have that experience with them and I have - and will never have - anything at all like that to see them experience.

But I also can't put myself in this situation again.

I haven't co reacted anybody. I'm happy to meet someone, but have no energy to reach out or organise. I haven't felt this bad for a long time. It'll fade slowly, I know, but I wish it were a visible wound: then nobody would expect me to carry on as usual!