Married to someone with Asperger's? Support group here!

[picklemepopcorn]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
(ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong.)

Am I the only one who has to deal with constant, and I mean constant, moaning, muttering, whinging, blaming, bitching, sniping, from dawn till bed?

Yesterday started with a 5 minute tirade because her phone wasn't charged - seriously it's her fff phone? Apparently someone unplugged the extension lead it was plugged into - actually the lead was never plugged in in the first place she just didn't check - but she has to blame someone (i.e. me) for unplugging the lead. It's just a crap way to start the day, its a different thing every day but it is 24/7.

So now W looking for sympathy for an "injury" when a lamp fell onto her. If she only complained when it really mattered she would get all the sympathy in the world, it's like crying wolf but the constant moaning just leaves me cold.

I'm coming across as really bad tempered - I'm not really, just very fed up.

Daft - I sympathise. I don't get that but I do get massive over-reactions about something which, the next day, is, apparently, the best idea ever. Last year it was something his boss implemented: I came home to find DP on the way to getting drunk and threatening to put his resignation in. Come the next morning and the whole plan was fantastic and why hadn't anyone come up with it sooner! I have talked to his boss about this and he's promised not to accept a resignation from DP for a few days.

The Heartless Asperger's website is interesting. I thought I'd managed to pinpoint of DP's character that was linked to the condition, but apparently not. Hadn't realised a monotone (and I do mean that rather that 'monotonous') way of speaking was common. Nor naïveté. Then again, I only realised how naïve DP was this weekend. He hates people thinking we're a couple (I call him 'DP' for ease here, but the whole situation is more complicated), despite us having been "a couple" (for all intents and purposes) for over 20 years. When we visit his family we usually stay in separate rooms (doesn't bother me as I know he hates sharing a bed anyway) but when we were down this weekend for his parent's golden wedding we had to stay at his brother's, who had put us in one room. Didn't bother me, but DP was most bemused by it all. Luckily, he didn't make a fuss (which I thought he might), but it just doesn't occur to him that people may assume we're together.

*Daft - just had a thought. Does she really think it is your fault or are you someone to divert her grievance on to? DP will jokingly blame me for everything, including stuff that happened long before we met. But he'll keep the 'joke' running for, eg , something that happened yesterday simply, I assume, because it's easier for him to cope with. I know he doesn't blame me for any of it but he can't focus it all on himself as it'd be too much. Could that be the case with your wife?

No, daftas, you’re not the only one. H moans constantly from the minute he wakes up in the morning, puts a negative spin on everything. It really wears me down.

Example from yesterday is he phones his adult kids every Sunday for a 30 second (if they’re lucky) duty call. His daughter text him yesterday to say she was out and she’d ring him today, so he’s in despair, she’s ignoring him, she hates him. She’s 24 ffs, she’s got a life that doesn’t include a duty call to dad at exactly the same time every Sunday.

Today’s misery was me ringing the builder to book some work, I left a message on his answerphone. H goes into a decline, “he won’t ring back, blah blah blah”.
2 hours later I came back from town having met the builder in the car park and work arranged. I took great pleasure in skipping in to tell H!!

We have lots of grumbling and huffing and puffing. It's like a baby though, out of all proportion to the size of the problem. In fact, if you ask what is wrong, he'll often say 'nothing, I don't think'. I tune it out mainly, now.

Time I think it's to do with rigid thinking, preconceived ideas, and trying to pigeon hole everything in the light of huge anxiety and lack of confidence.

I wonder whether there is just an inability to accept that a lot of the time random stuff just happens, and that it just can't be.

Yes, daft i’m much less sympathetic than I should be because of the constant never-ending grumbling - it’s usually on a scale of grumble to rant. My DH complains constantly of tiredness, exhaustion, aches and pains, but he will never do anything about them, and it is wearing to listen to because it is unending and seemingly unfixable so I try and screen it out as background noise as that’s effectively what it’s become.

It's really sad because I've missed some genuine illnesses and greivensess but as you say the real stuff just gets lost in noise. (Feels more like foreground noise!)

isn’t it called compassion fatigue? Very hard to continually find sympathy. I do think he is more worn out by ordinary life and that’s what it is, before we had dc he got more rest at home, he finds the dc incredibly hard work.

Compassion fatigue would cover how I feel.

But we've just had three nights to ourselves, I've tried really hard. Nice food, cuddles, films etc. Just to have a continual tirade of aggression and nastiness.

It's just do relentless.

There is a huge focus on one particular event that we just can't afford to attend (wedding aboard) but she just can't get her head around it. I travel regularly. She hasnt been away in ten years - but what do I know, Europe is really cheap apparently??

DH does it on specific topics. DFIL does it from dawn to dusk. Daily. About anything and everything.

However, I think MIL has had a word with him. For the first time ever he called my DH this morning and apologised for his behaviour!!!!

I actually think looking at it through Aspergers eyes, a lot of it was understandable and he shouldn't apologise.

But it was pretty bad this holiday and the fact he's somehow accepted that enough to realise an apology (at least for part of what he did) was needed is astounding.

Well done changer I haven't had an apology for anything in 20 years.

Just noticed it was from FIL, kind of counts.....

Sorry long day yesterday - thanks @orlanda - have ordered the DT ebook and thanks also @changer - I don't think I could imagine getting DH to read something to help - have been there before on another issue!

Have a good day everyone.

daft any chance of you getting a break on your own? You sound worn down and perhaps sometimes time off on our own can be more restful.

I hate the broken record, won't update information on issues like holidays, what things should cost etc. - you need to put DW in charge of finding that cheap trip to europe (unicorn)!

Checking in to say that life is blissful home alone. I have done so much in the last few days, painted the bathroom, fitted a new bath panel, organised a plumber and new flooring, built some flat pack furniture, bought an oven for the built in that stopped working before I went on holiday. Of course DH isn’t interested in helping to source a replacement/have a view at all, other than to say ‘fab’ .... ‘what do you mean fab’ ....’fab that we need to spend £900 on a replacement oven’.

There really isn’t anyone to resent for not joining in/taking part/sharing the load when you are home alone.

My neighbour has just described me as versatile 😂.

Good on you thebox!

I'd love a few days away but that's not realistic at the moment.

I do sometimes send W away to her mum's for the weekend if she is being particularly difficult.

That sounds awful. A weekend away from kids and home with zero demands always does her the world of good.

We understand, Daft! In the same way I like to get my DP to go and work in the garden, or, failing that, spend some time in the shed. It makes me sound like Pride and Prejudice's Mrs Collins but it does really change DP's mood if he can get out there.

Yes my DH is a fan of a long walk when he’s particularly bothered about things which helps!

Earl, well done. Daft, I know this sounds counterintuitive and selfish, but why not try not working so hard to please her. She prob doesn’t like cuddles. She’s quite possibly scared that she won’t pick up inferences and may go into shutdown or nullity. If you lower your effort, lower your expectations on the “Well this will be nice for me and if you want to join in, great, if not, don’t,” you’ll be more relaxed.

Before you think I’ve got it sorted and/or I’m being smug, life is the proverbial here but I’ve learned to harden my heart just a bit. I still cry.

If you do go onto the DT site, look for the basic questions and most requested posts threads, under Talk.

The basic questions help, in my view, to distinguish bad behaviour from AS because no way are they the same. There is an overlap in a few areas in that the NT may misinterpret actions or statements that are not supposed to be wounding, but once pointed out a few times they should cease to be an issue. But don’t forget, for some people inference and extrapolation are hard, because of the processing difficulties.

We had some curtains fitted today and the fitter had just returned from holiday in Sri Lanka. Three weeks. Except it turned out to be slightly less with the remainder of the time in the Maldives, for a rest. I know it's a standard trip but the way he said he needed a few days to relax after going away on holiday (which he said was great fun, true holiday etc).

I had to laugh.

I'm at the stage now where I'm (almost) wishing something physical was wrong with me enough to get admitted to hospital. I'm so exhausted andDH has said, "Take some time to yourself and go somewhere for a holiday." Sounds great, very kind. Until I ask if he'll be able to leave work everyday at 2.15 in order to collect the kids from school. Aaah, nope. Can only do that once or twice - and he can't be in town all the time either because he works away part of the week and can't change that apparently. If I were seriously ill and in hospital he'd have to find a way. And I'd have a few days surrounded by people without Aspergers. I even have a phobia of hospitals due to being sexually assaulted by medical staff once when I was ill, so I don't really want to have to be in one, but part of me is so desperate for a break, to have nothing to do and nobody to be dealing with, and for people to know I'm not ok, that I've been fantasising about it.

I told DH tonight I'm never going to his parents for that length of time again. Not only did his father make the astounding apology, indicating how bad it had been, but his sister stayed four days and couldn't leave fast enough! I was there 12. It's broken me.

Poor poor you..what did he think?

Could you get away for a city break? If he can pick up kids two days in a row or Friday and Monday, then you could leave Thursday night, be back Monday pm or latest Tuesday mid morning..lots of lovely places to go..

you need to insist changer - sit him down and present the problem of how you are going to get x days away. He can then look for a babysitter on the days he can't do/call in any other sources of help he has available, take annual leave etc.

If you're getting to the stage where you fantasize about illness (or solitary confinement!) you need to make it clear that he needs a specific plan to do this - email him with key requirements - i'm going away for x days, these are possible dates, pick your poison and arrange childcare as needed.

My DH is like this - he's generally supportive but when presented with a specific need for help, it's a totally different case and you absolutely have to put that monkey on his back.