UNMARRIED -NO RIGHTS!!!

[Oncewasneedy]

Just wondering what MN readers would think about a campaign for the rights of unmarried women/mums!! (Long one-sorry)
I am so tired of hearing about women on here getting the crap end of the stick purely because they weren't married! And also because they don't understand that being unmarried leaves you with no rights over anything!
I was one of those women!
I met my partner when I was 16 and he was 30. It was all good for a long time and when he proposed to me I didn't even look back! The very next day he said he wanted a long engagement! I was not happy about this!! But when I also began to have my own thoughts about things he didn't like it!
However in the time we were together we had 4 children! I would have had more as he wanted but his behaviour got more unforgivable with each birth! (Think narcissistic and your there)
We also went through many problems with losing parents to our family business going to pot! We fought hard to get our livelihood back and thank god we did it!
But despite everything it wasn't enough! I could go on and on about how selfish he was and how I thought I would die of sadness and loneliness being with him but it doesn't serve anyone! I begged him to try but in the end I couldn't take anymore and I left!
After 20 years together I had to leave!
I had to leave the home I had raised my children in, where they took their first steps, where I bathed them and had their birthday parties and Christmas!
I had to leave because I had no rights to the home- all in his name!
After 20 years- I meant no more to him than hired help!
Thank god I took a part time job when the youngest started school otherwise I would have been clueless!
Clearly this is a rant and a half but do other married women think that unmarried women should get legal protection in some form! I know that some women will flame me for being so naive and an idiot but when you meet someone at the age of 16 it twists your mind somewhat!
Im still trying to get my head around it all! So I'm sorry if I still sound angry!!!

By all means do a campaign to raise awareness that if you’re not married you don’t have rights.

But, if you want the legal protection marriage affords... get married.

do other married women think that unmarried women should get legal protection in some form!

There Is protection. It's called marriage. If that's not forthcoming, don't have kids or give up your career and make sure you have your own income.

I think the law is just fine as it is but I’m sorry those bad things happened to you.

I can't speak for all women but when you feel manipulated into keeping it quiet about the marriage question and more so you are a nervous person to begin with, it is so hard to stand up to the person that you love and you just hope that he will want to marry you one day without being forced!

It upsets me so much when people say marriage is just a piece of paper

I think that more should be done for women who are in this kind of vulnerable situation. I don't think it's right to just shrug and say well you should have got married or left him. There are often a variety of reasons why that didn't happen.

I'm not sure what could be done to help women once they're in that situation, having not worked for years, no pension, no NI contributions, etc etc. Obviously education is part of preventing more women getting into that kind of situation, but that doesn't address those for whom it's too late.

Thank you for the reply's guys! I know many out there will say I should have just forced the marriage talk, but seriously who wants to force it! Shouldn't it be a nice thing- not an ultimatum!!!

We did at one point decide to get married but his father passed away shortly after! All talk of the wedding went out of window and bringing it up just felt selfishness on my part! It was just too sad!!

I have so much sympathy for women in this situation, however, you can not force someone to enter a legal contract without their permission.

Moving in with someone and having children with them is a very big deal and not to be taken lightly. The thing is many people do move in together without thinking through what they are doing, what legal position they are getting into. Some couples seem to move in together with less preparation and thought than if they had moved in with friends.

I'm sorry you find yourself in a very difficult position but you didn't have to move in with him, you could have walked away. Being in love with someone doesn't mean you should make major life decisions without thought to your legal position. In some ways the more permissive society hasn't given women many favours; in the past with the expectation of no sex before marriage did offer some protection. But do I think co-habiting couples should have legal protection - no I don't. Marriage / civil partnerships are the legal protection.

But if the woman is financially independent, does marriage matter?

I now given my rose tinted glasses think that marriage and civil partnership are imperative!! Especially to the member of the family that will be the majority childminder! The role that is the hardest and the most undermined!!

I think there needs to be some serious education regarding this as I've met so many people convinced that the UK has common law marriage.

You don't have to have a wedding to be married. My general view is that if you get pregnant or buy a house, you need the protection of paperwork, just as anyone with a kid should have a basic will registered (including guardianship arrangements should both parents die at once). The easiest and by far the cheapest way to get this paperwork is to register your marriage.

It's not romantic, but very little about grownup life is: think of it as the travel insurance of pregnancy. No one wants to think about getting food poisoning on a beach holiday, but that doesn't mean we don't purchase basic insurance jic.

I do think there is a case to consider giving legal standing to the idea of common law marriage when there are children involved and one partner has dedicated their time and resources to bringing them up while the other has amassed financial assets.

I think that anyone age 16 or over who has consensual sex should be legally bound to support their own child 50%. If they don't have time to do so (ie they're at work) they need to pay someone to do it. It is more than possible to work out how to implement this policy IF politicians had the will to do it. In theory, we have the idea that parents are responsible, but it is WAY too easy for the absent parent to do fuck all and pay even less.

Children need to be supported. The adults who create them should do so.

I realise you were very young when you met your ex, but surely in the twenty years you were with him you must have realised you were in a pretty precarious situation? I wouldn't buy a house or have even one child without the legal protection of marriage, let alone four! I certainly would never be financially dependant in any way on someone I wasn't married to, hell I've been married over twenty years and have always earned enough to be financially dependant should the worst happen. I always despair when people trot out the old marriage is just a piece of paper bollocks. It is much more than that.

Thank you #boomboomscousin
This is just one of my points. I have spent 18 years looking after our children! Cooking ,cleaning,washing, Organized play dates!! Clearly I loved all those jobs! It would be nice if just once my hard work got recognised! To be fair I do love cooking!!!
However now, he's got a couple of million in the bank and I can't even afford the repairs on my car (£600.00)! It somehow just doesn't seem fair!

P.s yes that was I little sarcasm in my last post! 😘

I do understand the legal protection side of getting married and for some people this is a valid reason for doing so.
But personally I didn't get married solely for this purpose for me my vows are extremely important and we decided to marry because we love each other, wanted to make that commitment to each other.

I don't know if it's just a Scottish thing but we had a notes of interest drawn up before we were married for the house as it had to be solely in my name for a few years. That was a legal document which stated how the house would be split in the event of break up prior to marriage. Kind of like a pre-nup without the marriage at that point.

Did you get legal advice about this op?

After twenty years and four dc I'd be surprised if you couldn't make a claim on his assets, particularly if he has millions and you have nothing.

Really sorry to hear how awfully you have been treated.

There should be much more strict minimum standards of PSHE teaching at school - possibly including having it as an obligatory GCSE along with maths and English - with a curriculum that includes among other things a basic understanding of the legal frameworks that protect us.

The law should not be changed to grant the protections of marriage to unmarried people. There should be as much effort to ensure that a 16 year old who doesn't understand the importance of marriage is as rare as a 16 year old who can't solve an equation or write a paragraph.

I think the answer is to educate people on this issue.

Because making common law spouse a thing, will damage women as well.

If common law was a thing, I would not ever live with a partner again. I bought my house post divorce. I would be prepared to share my assets if we got married.

If you want the law involved in your relationship, then involve them. The law should not be automatically involved in a relationships, unless invited.

Parents need to also be involved in this education.

My mum was a single mum, but never made sure I was aware. But I saw her struggle after the divorce because she had given her career up. I knew I didn't want that to happen to me, so looked into it in my teens.

I chose to have this conversation my my dd (now 14) several times over her life.

By all means make people aware but if they want the same protection then they can get married. Simple.