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Original poster

Poll, Y or N - would you want to know?

76 replies

YaLoVeras · 02/08/2018 18:48

Thread sort of off the back of another thread.
But surprised how many people advise against telling a new wife that her new marriage is based on lies.

So, if your husband had been cheating on you in the run up to your marriage would you want to know or would you think ignorance is bliss.

I'd rather know myself. I've wasted too many years on an abusive man. It's better to get used to being single.

I vote - Yes, have the information. Awful though the shock may be.

OP posts:
Original poster
YaLoVeras · 02/08/2018 19:15

I get that @kenandbarbie, but ........... isn't this code of 'Dignity' in the face of a betrayal part of what allows the have cake and eat it culture to continue?

I don't know, not married, not dating. But once I told a woman her fiance made a pass at me. And yeh, she didn't believe me and obsessed about how much I'd had to drink and obsessed about how much he'd had to drink and quizzed me like a cross examining barrister. BUT she did not marry him.

OP posts:
kenandbarbie · 02/08/2018 19:37

I don't think the op should feel responsibility for what the cheater did though. She is a victim too and should not have to sort out the mess. It's making women be responsible for men's actions.

FiftyYearsAfterBrexit · 02/08/2018 19:43

Yes I'd want to know. If there was actual evidence. I wouldn't want to know if there was none, or not much, or not good stuff. I'd want to know if it was beyond refutable. Because I wouldn't want to be in the situation where I didn't know whether he was lying or not to me.

Aridane · 02/08/2018 19:54

I’m do not think the OP,in that thread was under any obligation or duty to inform new wife or otherwise police man’s behaviour

WasFatNowThin · 02/08/2018 20:14

Yes!

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 02/08/2018 20:16

Yes

MrsExpo · 02/08/2018 20:18

Definite yes from me.

Barbaro · 02/08/2018 20:29

Yes.

To be honest, when people on here say 'don't tell her', I pretty much assume they are currently involved in affairs and wouldn't want the wife to know as it will spoil their fun.

HoHoHoHo · 02/08/2018 21:11

I think people might have been saying don't tell her it's best for the op to move on and getting embroiled in their relationship when she was already heartbroken. The wife might want to know but the op has feelings too and needs to look after herself.

umpteennamechanges · 02/08/2018 21:18

Yes, would want to know

LookAtIt · 02/08/2018 21:18

Y

haribosmarties · 02/08/2018 21:20

No- to be honest id rather find out for myself than 'be told'

ticketstub · 02/08/2018 21:24

Yes. I'd want to know and 'play with a full deck of cards' as the saying goes (ie, make my own choices based on all the information). I wouldn't mind if I was told anonymously if there was some detail I could verify.

topsy2tails · 02/08/2018 21:26

How do you find out for yourself rather than be told?
Dig! Check phones? Emails?

Easier to be told. There it is in black and white!
What's your point?

Magtheridon · 02/08/2018 21:39

"I don't think the op should feel responsibility for what the cheater did though. She is a victim too and should not have to sort out the mess. It's making women be responsible for men's actions."

I disagree that it's making a woman responsible for a mans actions
To me, it's supporting another woman to make a fully informed choice on their partner they plan to spend the rest of their life with

It's also letting the man know he can't get away with that shit without some kind of consequence

Telling the wife doesn't have to be a big drama - it could be done by a personal or anonymous account, presenting facts then no more contact.

You don't have to keep re-engaging contact with the wife. Make it a one off. Once they have the information - if you can't handle any confrontation or drama then block / delete.

Joysmum · 02/08/2018 21:40

Yes. I treat others the way I’d like to be treated.

Of course there’s no obligation but there’s a morality to giving her the choice to stay or go. I couldn’t live happily with myself without empowering her with the knowledge she needs to make her own decision.

ringsnthings · 02/08/2018 21:40

Yes..would totally want to know.

Singlenotsingle · 02/08/2018 21:44

When people say don't tell her, the reason is that it's very much a case of Shoot the Messenger. Rightly or wrongly, her motives will be questioned.

ferrier · 02/08/2018 21:45

Y

wtffgs2 · 02/08/2018 21:45

Yes

Tutulafromage · 02/08/2018 21:49

HELL YES

I think one of the worst things about being cheated on is the potential to be the last person to find out about it...

Hengine · 02/08/2018 21:54

Yes, I’d want to know.
Maybe I wouldn’t if it was a one off that he regretted but an actual relationship, however brief, I’d want to know

OliviaStabler · 02/08/2018 22:04

Yes but I would need solid proof to believe them

whatsmynameagain12 · 02/08/2018 22:14

Yes

TaaLcY · 02/08/2018 22:28

24 years ago, I was bridesmaid at my sister's wedding.
After dropping the newly weds off that eve, my new brother in-law went in for a grope and a kiss whilst my big sister went to the look.
Obviously I pushed him off.
I made a speedy retreat and they went on their honeymoon.
To this day, I've never told my sister.
I should have done but I panicked and couldn't. Then as time went on it became more difficult.
Sorry..not yes or no answer.
Would I want to know? ..yes..
Would I want to tell?... hypocritically, no.

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