Feeling totally desperate and alone, still single and time feels like it is up

[lizzedays]

I'm 33 in a few weeks and I feel like giving up.

All of my twenties I had relationships. Lived with two of them - both moved abroad! One ended up being married and I didn't find out for months and was heavily invested which was shit. The most recent I'm pretty sure was abusive...he would tell me what to wear on the beach, belittle me, go into moods where he wouldn't speak for days and say that he wasn't sure if he loved me, only to try and make it up a day later. It was shit. Very recently an old friend said he had feelings while he was engaged to someone else - I thought I felt the same but said he needed to speak to his other half before we even met up...cue him no longer speaking to me.

So here I am at 33, watching everyone else live their lives while mine passes me by.

I have led such an independent life in my twenties - lived alone for the last few years, got a house, etc etc. I have had all sorts of hobbies, been on dates and given it a proper go, not written people off too soon etc etc all the things you're supposed to do.

I'm just totally fed up. Everyone in my life has someone and nearly all have families. I'm sick of dealing with house problems alone, sick of being the one who is still looking for someone,

Self pity is so unattractive, I know, but I am so sad. My sibling is younger than me and will be married and starting a family soon. It seems to be so simple for everyone else...and I don't mean that everything in their lives are simple, just that they have someone and that has worked out for them.

I don't see a bright future. I just see a lonely one and I don't know how many more months, let alone years, I can take of this. It's not that i hate my life, it's that I am done with living it alone. I've had enough. I want a family and people around me and things to celebrate and to plan with someone. Nothing else in life will fill this void. I am so sad.

Sorry I don't know what I am looking for here. Just feel desperate. I've been looking back at all the people I have known in my life, from school onwards... and they have all settled down. They are all invested with someone, they all have pasts with someone and memories. On facebook sharing memories from 5 years ago with someone they've been married to for even longer. I have absolutely nothing, no relationship, no memories, nobody who knows me inside and out, and how will I ever have that now anyway, all those relationships have a ten year start on anything I could start.

33 is not old, you know? You can still find love. Did you ever try dating?

sorry you're feeling so sad...

but you really are still young! Potentially 60 years left to find someone

you do seem to have been doing all the right things, so keep on doing those.

I don't think there is a magic solution - but you have to stay confident that you'll find someone who is just right for you eventually

You could meet the love of your life tomorrow. My DH’s friend got married recently- mid thirties- he only met his wife about a year ago. Before that he had much more going against him than you. He still lived with his parents and had debilitating health problems.
It sounds like you’re doing the best you can to live your life. Remember that lots of people are unhappy in relationships. Being married can be lonely.
On Woman’s Hour yesterday (Wednesday programme), there was a really interesting segment about meeting people. About how internet dating is pretty useless. The expert gave some great tips on how to meet people in real life. I thought, if I was single, I’d definitely get that woman’s book.
You sound like an interesting person who would make someone very happy.

also good for you for getting out of an abusive relationship - that takes some doing

Big big hugs. You have so much in your toolkit. You’re young, I’m 50 and looking around my peers, everyone is coupled- the ones who paired early and many didn’t meet ‘the one’ until your age or later. Lots had children in their late 30s and we’ll into their 40s. The fact that you’ve had relationships means that you know what to look for and even the abusive one puts you in good stead for picking a good ‘un. Get out there! Don’t look for Mr Right just now or even this year- keep filling that toolkit with experience!

@lizzedays

This comes from someone who is in exactly the same position as you, reading your words exactly described the feelings I have at the moment about life.

Don't give up, you are still young, just because it hasn't happened for doesn't mean it won't, it's just around the corner for you. In the mean time just concentrate on growing as a person and doing the things you want to do. All my friends have kids now, so although it's bitter sweet I love spending time with all the kids and having a laugh with them all.

It's never too late, our grandmother got married to a guy in her 80's that she met in a shop, it'll happen when you least expect it.

@Etino Why shouldn‘t she be looking for Mr. Right? What’s wrong with that?

You need to focus on living your life for you, not thinking about marking time until Mr Wright turns up. Easier said than done I know.

If it's any consolation, I didn't get together with my DH until I was 34.

33 really isn't very old!

At 33 lots of people are just looking to settle down! You’re way too young to be thinking about giving up!

At 31 I was a divorced mum of one. At 33 I met my now dh and we have gone on to have a child together. We met on plenty of fish - tons of frogs but you just have to block and delete and keep going!

My mum is 71 and still dating. No one is ever too old but certainly at 33 your love life is still starting!

@ConfusedWife1234 just that there’s time for more research and no rush! OP is sad at the moment and needs to know there’s time to find someone and no need to desperately rush into anything.

Nothing puts men off more than an air of desperation and “last chance saloon”! Stop obsessing about getting a man and start enjoying your life - develop interests and hobbies, get out and join things, meet people for shared activities.
One of these people may turn out to be the love of your life, but if not, at least you will have a good social life.
I was widowed at 35 and have spent the last 26 years without a partner, but it’s still been an enjoyable life.
Self pity is not attractive, keep it in check and go and have fun. Good luck, OP.

@ConfusedWife1234 If you'd read the OP you'd clearly read she went on dates, didn't write people off too soon etc

@sideacivity It's never too late, our grandmother got married to a guy in her 80's - yes, but clearly she had had a very serious relationship prior to that as I doubt your grandmother had your parent after she met this guy in her 80s...

@lizzedays I hear you. You don't need to hear the cliches everyone always trots out on these threads. Sometimes you just need to vent, have a wallow for a while. I get you, as I've been single since I was 36 and am now 44. Lots of hobbies, friends, interesting job, but totally and utterly lonely. I have another friend who split with her boyfriend at 30 and has been single aside from some dates for 11 years. Again, interesting, funny, attractive, hobbies. We're always out doing stuff, we've done the online dating til we're blue in the face, haven't got kids. I get it.

@etino Totally agree. You need to know more about a person when you start a relationship... but she still could meet Mr. Right tomorrow, couldn‘t she? I totally am not telling her to marry the first guy she meets out of fear to end up a spinster (like that girl who marries Mr. Collins in pride and prejudice), that would be daft... but I do think she should be actively looking, dating, telling friends she is single and looking and so on, it increases the chances of meeting someone.

@shattners wig You are right, I overlooked this. Sorry, OP.

Don’t focus on other people. For example I can guarantee that these people were looking at your fb envious of what sounds like a great exciting life you have!
Moving abroad buying a house that is exciting. Not many get those opportunities.
Also a lot of people just settle. You have an amazing opportunity where your free and can choose your next move. So decide today. Will I spend the next 6 months feeling sorry for myself or will I go out and enjoy this time I have before I meet someone ( which you will of course)

You say other people have a ten year start on a relationship you might have in the future - I just wanted to say that that's a meaningless thought. Many of these people will split up in the future and have to start afresh. Some will be unlucky enough to end up widowed at a young age. Others will spend their whole lives married, but unhappy. You don't know who has a really happy, fulfilling marriage, so what's the point of comparing? What other people have, or don't have, doesn't influence your happiness. So concentrate on your life and stop looking at what others have.
It's okay to be sad (though I do think you are being a bit dramatic, 33 isn't old!!), but make sure you have a plan. Why do you think you are still single? Do you think you deserve a loving relationship, or do you deep down feel you are not worthy of being loved? What can you do to meet single men? What makes your life worthwhile in the meantime?

Thanks SO MUCH for the replies. They are comforting to read and giving me some focus. I guess it really is just patience and trying to enjoy life even alone and with friends is key. It just feels like i;ve been doing that for so long, and i cant pretend i dont want what everyone else seems to have.

I keep thinking i would need to know the person for a few years before marriage, then what about kids etc, just feels like it is all a long way away if it manages to happen at all.

not written people off too soon etc etc

NO - gut instinct! Don't waste time on these losers - move on quickly

Don't give up

@GreenTulips Losers? How do you know this? Some people are "no spark on first date - no second date people" whereas others are more slow burners and need a couple of dates to see if there are possibilities.

Something worth remembering is that even people who are married or who have partners can be extremely lonely. Seems like a weird thing to say but when my marriage was coming to an end I felt like the loneliest person in the world, it was like living with a stranger and we had nothing in common anymore. It was far better when I was finally on my own - at least then I didn’t feel like I shouldn’t be how I felt - if that makes any sense!

I know it may be a bit of an odd thing to say but I found it comforting to remind myself of that when I was single after my divorce.

I’ll be 44 next week and I’ve never had a serious relationship. I’m trying to make peace with the idea that I’m just not suited to relationships so my position is different to yours - but maybe I can offer another perspective.

I hear your pain - but 33 isn’t old. I know it seems that way when everyone around you appears to be happily coupled up, growing their families etc - but think of how much you’ve changed in the last ten years. Even if you’d met someone great at 20, you’re not the same person as you were then.

Now you know yourself better. You know what you have to offer a relationship. You know you can live alone and cope alone. And having been in an abusive relationship, your tolerance for bullshit is hopefully lower.

Maybe you won’t have the conventional marriage and 2.4 kids. Maybe you’ll have a series of loving relationships that don’t work out for whatever reason. Would that be the end of the world?

A friend of mine has just had a baby despite not being in a relationship. How do you feel about having a child alone if you don’t meet the right person?

I know this sounds trite but it sounds like you have friends. You have at least one sibling. Soon you may be an aunt. You sound like you have love in your life - maybe not the romantic kind yet, but don’t write off what you have already.

Just some stuff to think about. Wishing you all the best.

All maybe friends did similar, long term 20'srelationahips, broke up met the next one and were either married or pregnant within months .... sometimes you just know and click

ShatnersWig

Well if you keep doing the same thing you'll keep getting the same result!
Sometimes you just know it's not going to work, don't waste yours or their time, move on.

I completely understand how you feel. At your age, I really wanted a child and a family - the husband was an afterthought, I suppose. I married the guy I was with - I did love him, but he wasn’t right for me. We had an amazing daughter, but I’ve never felt that our relationship is ‘right’, although I’ve really made the best of it. Looking back, I wish I’d moved on from him when my daughter was young, but I never wanted to break up our family. So now, at the age of 50, I have a wonderful daughter, who I’d obviously never swap. but a husband whom I don’t really care deeply about and now find the thought of starting out on my own ever more terrifying. What I’m trying to say, is you’re still really young, you’ll meet someone special when you’re happy with yourself. Focus on your friendships, your career, travel perhaps, and being an aunt - love may well follow and if it doesn’t, you’ll still have an amazing life. Hope it works out for you xx