Feeling totally desperate and alone, still single and time feels like it is up

[lizzedays]

I'm 33 in a few weeks and I feel like giving up.

All of my twenties I had relationships. Lived with two of them - both moved abroad! One ended up being married and I didn't find out for months and was heavily invested which was shit. The most recent I'm pretty sure was abusive...he would tell me what to wear on the beach, belittle me, go into moods where he wouldn't speak for days and say that he wasn't sure if he loved me, only to try and make it up a day later. It was shit. Very recently an old friend said he had feelings while he was engaged to someone else - I thought I felt the same but said he needed to speak to his other half before we even met up...cue him no longer speaking to me.

So here I am at 33, watching everyone else live their lives while mine passes me by.

I have led such an independent life in my twenties - lived alone for the last few years, got a house, etc etc. I have had all sorts of hobbies, been on dates and given it a proper go, not written people off too soon etc etc all the things you're supposed to do.

I'm just totally fed up. Everyone in my life has someone and nearly all have families. I'm sick of dealing with house problems alone, sick of being the one who is still looking for someone,

Self pity is so unattractive, I know, but I am so sad. My sibling is younger than me and will be married and starting a family soon. It seems to be so simple for everyone else...and I don't mean that everything in their lives are simple, just that they have someone and that has worked out for them.

I don't see a bright future. I just see a lonely one and I don't know how many more months, let alone years, I can take of this. It's not that i hate my life, it's that I am done with living it alone. I've had enough. I want a family and people around me and things to celebrate and to plan with someone. Nothing else in life will fill this void. I am so sad.

conker - thank you, what a lovely story - wish you all the best!! :)

@springydaff I recognize the poster, I didn't need to ferret.

OP, I was single until my 40s and then met DH and had DS at 44. I’ve been where you are, and it was really tough and lonely sometimes. Now, though, I am really happy I had my single life, went traveling and did so many things before settling down, because once you have kids everything changes.
One of my good friends just finally met someone at 50, and she used to try all sorts of ways to meet new people.
I don’t think it’s helpful when people say things like “don’t be picky”, it’s actually a bit rude. I think many women aren’t picky enough, actually, and they should make men try harder!
I met a lot of people along the way before DH, but they just weren’t right for me.
Just stay open to new friendships, and be kind to yourself, have faith.

hi snow - thanks for your post!! one of my worries is that in a couple of years that would be it for children. if i knew i had time then i would be more relaxed. how was your pregnancy and birth if you dont mind me asking? would you have another?

My DD came out of a long term relationship, then had a few short term boyfriends and was pretty fed up of the way her life was going. She started planning for a drastic lifestyle and career change at the age of 35 and then met a guy completely unexpectedly and got engaged to him two years later. You never know what, or who, is round the corner.

Hi OP, pregnancy was natural and a bit of a (welcome) surprise to us, but went fine. DS was breech and didn’t seem inclined to turn, so arrived by planned Caesarean. I found it quite tough adjusting to having a newborn and suffered from the lack of sleep, but everything turned out fine and DS is full of beans and keeps us young! We talked about having another but because of other life changes we didn’t go for it.

I was you last year OP. In an abusive marriage that ended after 10 years together when I was 32. Luckily no kids with him, but I really wanted a family and was so worried it might never happen for me.

I went on match and met an amazing man in December last year when I was 33. I’m 34 now and feel like my life is just beginning!

Don’t give up OP!

Maybe look into the narrative that we are all sold, about meeting someone, marriage, kids even maybe? Clearly not everyone does that, and many are happy with their lives. Do you feel under pressure to achieve this mythical goal?
42% of marriages end in divorce, that's just those people who have the strength and will to take it that far, how many more live in an unhappy relationship?
More and more people in their late 50s and onwards are single, they all seem to cope.
Perhaps just accept who you are, and look forward to doing what you want to do, not held back back by someone else, constantly having to compromise to satisfy someone else's ego.

God grief, I could of written this post when I turned 32, I was bloody miserable. Didn't see the point of anything, incredibly lonely, absolutely brassic (although I don't think this applies to you, single with your own house at 33, that is a massive achievement, I couldn't afford to eat!!), and I'd recently lost my dad.
Then something weird happened, I got a lovely compliment from a stranger, which put a smile on my face. I must have grasped at that, because from then on everything just seemed to snowball. I must have presented differently, or something. I had more confidence. I took my chance with voluntary redundancy and cleared a crippling debt, walked into a new job the next week, and massively I met my now husband. My fortunes just seemed to change over a few months.
I know it sounds trite (sorry), because I know how shit you are feeling, and telling you to be positive is just crap.
But we are just about to adopt two children...so in the space of 7 years, I've gone from not knowing what the point of anything was, to desperately anticipating the next chapter. Look after you. xx

I was where you are at exactly the same age. I also realised that the main pressure I felt was that I knew I wanted children and I became really focused that having a child was the real priority.

After lots of deliberation and research I went ahead with fertility treatment and I had DD when I was 34. She is 15 months now and I haven't had even a fleeting moment of regret.

I now feel that the pressure is off regarding finding a husband (both my own expectations but also that of family and friends), in fact at the moment I would consider it to be an unwanted inconvenience because DD and I are happy and I wouldn't want to risk upsetting that at the moment (or possibly ever).

The only potential downside is that I will be very very wary that a long term relationship turning sour will now impact not only myself but also DD. And I feel quite adamant that online dating is out as I have experienced some awful things as a result of OD and I can't put myself at risk now that I'm responsible for DD. So I would now only pursue a relationship with someone already known to me (via a friend or whatever).

@INeedNewShoes don't be too hasty as to rule out OLD. I met my husband through Match, and I wouldn't have met him otherwise. I agree an awful lot of people on there do use it as a shag list, and when you are vulnerable, you can be taken advantage of. I learned to sort the wheat from the chaff. I asked my now husband if he wanted kids before I'd even met him! (I think OLD gives you the privalage to get straight to the point). I learned to use my experience to get what I wanted and know what I didn't want. I didn't want to waste my time dating someone who didn't have the same aspirations, but I know you have to be in a good place to do that. When I asked if he wanted kids in the future, he wasn't phased at all. I met him, and he never once pushed. He is a really great bloke..I know he might be in the minority...but there are some good un's out there!

@INeedNewShoes don't be too hasty as to rule out OLD.

Hasty, I am not . I have had various phases over the course of 12 years! I've had some really great dates that were good fun, and have had a few nice short-term relationships so I know that good things can come of it. Good friends have met their partners online. I have truly invested in OD at various points and I have tried many sites ranging from Guardian Soulmates – OKCupid – Match.com and my view is that whereas ten years ago 90% of the people on OD sites were genuinely looking for a nice relationship, now 90% of them are married, just looking for sex, are very flexible with the truth, etc.. It has gone downhill massively. I've had my drink spiked, I've been ghosted by someone who had given me the impression that he was serious and then suddenly buggered off literally without a trace, and I've had the misfortune to meet a man with a rape scenario fetish which I realised probably just in time.

On my last attempt I wrote a very honest profile stating that I was looking for someone who was interested in a serious relationship and ultimately children. It still elicited the contact with men who were definitely not looking for that.

I am in a place where I am content as I am and I just cannot be bothered to do the OD dating thing and even though I had a good experience OD in my twenties, because it has changed so much it is not something I would now recommend to others.

34 and currently in the exact same boat. It really REALLY sucks doesn’t it? I’ve felt so lonely and sad for so many years now and have spent a lot of time wondering why no one has ever loved me. I’ve never really had a relationship, at least not with anyone who cared or was willing to call it a relationship. I’ve never heard “I love you” back, had loving sex or even a loving kiss. I know it’s self pitying of me to say all that but...it’s more that I want you to know that you aren’t alone in this. There are a surprising number of us in the same boat.

Positives now. It’s genuinely not too late yet, you can do something about it if you really want. A lot of it is about meeting loads of people, doing things you’ve never done etc.

I’ve been having counselling for 6 months now and that’s really helping a lot. I can see that due to parental abuse and neglect from birth and quite an extreme family situation growing up, I’ve never actually seen myself as lovable. So I’ve subconsciously attracted situations with men where I’m either ignored or emotionally abused because that’s what is so familiar to me. Do you see yourself as lovable? You don’t have to answer, it’s just a question for yourself. Are there barriers that you put up or have within you to receiving love? I’m working on loving myself for the first time ever and it slowly working, my boundaries are much better as is my ability to choose better relationships.

Like a previous poster I’ve actually decided to just accept my lot. Fairly recently actually! Since Christmas, I’ve been considering adoption as a single person and because of that I’ve been focussed on sorting my career out so it’s more friendly to single parenting/adoption leave and I’m hoping to buy a child friendly home in a nice area with good schools in the next year. It’s a three year plan to give me plenty of time to get things in place practically and emotionally before I start adoption proceedings at 37. I broke the news to my parents this evening and have already told close friends and they are delighted, they’ve always seen me being a mum and they know how much pain being childless has caused me.

Never having been in a loving relationship with a man will always sting. I honestly thought I couldn’t bear/live with that pain. I think especially after the abuse I thought that I deserved and was entitled to a husband that adored me. I’ve wrestled with it long and hard but I’ve realised I’ve spent years now making myself miserable. What’s helping now is accepting that it may never happen for me and acknowledging that, yes, that hurts like hell but it’s no excuse to make myself unhappy. Life isn’t always fair and everyone has something that causes them pain. So this is my cross to bear. It could have been something else.

I know it sounds like giving up, but it’s not. I’m just working on not being as attached to that outcome. I am still open to meeting a wonderful man and being swept of my feet but I’m choosing to focus on what I can control right now. It feels quite freeing and like I can be more authentically me instead of being desperate to be loved.

I don’t know about you, but I think being single all this time has actually resulted in me becoming much more well rounded than I might have been had I been married at 24 like I’d hoped. I’ve been forced to reflect on myself, be independent and do things solo, like travelling and going to concerts and doing traditionally “manly” stuff for myself. I’m not in any way trying to belittle those in relationships btw! I just think of my own Mum flitting from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because she was too afraid to go it alone. I think that very easily could have been me. I also used to lose my identity in the men I fell for so it wasn’t healthy for me for many years to be in a relationship. I’m not like that now so being single all this time has had its upsides too I suppose.

Anyway, good luck to you. I really hope it all works out for you and that you find happiness in your future.

This is a really good thread and has comforted me. I'm lucky enough to have DS who is 10 and am still on good terms with his Dad, but as I approach the 35 mark I have started to accept that it may never happen for me. Because I have already got a child and have 8 years experience of being a single parent, I would not choose that again deliberately but if I meet the right man, I'd really like to get married and have another child. I even dream sometimes of this child I am yet to have, it's quite sad. I also feel like there is someone out there for me but I just haven't met him yet.

You've already had some amazing advice but I'd echo those who are saying it is shit, but accepting it and focusing on loving yourself and filling your life with joy is really the only thing you can do. You might meet someone, you might not, so you may as well be happy either way. I have settled so much in the oast and finally reached a point where I decided I prefer to be single than with the wrong person.

But I so understand the pain of feeling that many others have a head start, and so many years behind them as a couple at the same age that we are. And that we can never experience that.
Definite have kids solo if that is your main dream, your life will be enriched and changed beyond belief.

35 is not the limit for having kids, 90 something % of couples 35-39 get pregnant within a year of trying. Early 40s is also fair game for many people, I had my first at 41 and I'm meeting lots of 39,40 etc year olds at baby stuff.

When will people stop torturing women with the 'your fertility is over at 35' thing. Unless you have reason to believe you have fertility issues, it's usually not.

Also Facebook posts on people's relationship s, on anything really are not reality. You have know idea if they are functional and truly happy and whether they'll break up in future.

No idea.

I met my husband at 33.

I'd been Internet dating for 3 months and was absolutely fed up with it. I'd just met a man with really stinky feet (!) with his boots on (!!) and I was ready to stick my head in an oven.

I spoke to my sister in law and she said I couldn't give up, that 'he' was out there, I had to believe.

The next man I met online dating, about 3 weeks later, was my husband. Three children later I would say NEVER GIVE UP.

ps his feet aren't too bad either, his armpits are another story!! I have a strong sense of smell I think...

From your later posts, it looks as though what you really want is a child rather than a man? Is that correct?

I think as we get older it is so important to be ruthlessly honest with yourself. If you want a child, have a child (Mother Nature Notwithstanding)

I have a friend I have known since we were 16 (now early 50s) and she was always searching for Mr.Right. She still is.

Over the years, and particularly as she went through late thirties and early forties, she was advised by those who love her to just have the child she yearned for, but she was determined to "have it all" and is left now very bitter and unhappy.

All relationships end one way or another . My advice would be to get out and about - meet people, keep your options open. Set a deadline that if you aren't happily paired up X age you will look into having a child. This might help you relax a bit more? Good luck

Can I just say that I was you. With a controlling J Witness for 10 years since I was 16 cut me off from everyone I knew. Finally broke up with him and after living somewhat wildly met someone fell in love and a year went by and his bloody wife (and mother of his child) calls me. So I’m like, sorry who!?? Heartbreak blah etc. Then I’m getting older and I’m alone and sad and petty much feeling like shit and then one day it happened, I met someone perfect for me and 6 weeks ago gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! What I am saying is, you never know when it is going to happen but it can just happen. Keep being you! Xx

You’ve probably heard this all before, but someone once gave me this advice which worked for me;
‘Write down on paper what qualities you can’t live without in a partner’.
So if the person you’re dating has all the qualities you’re after but missing one on the list, you end it. And if you realise that you could live happily with someone without that quality you revise your list or you add to the list if you come across a quality your date doesn’t have that you realise you can’t live without. And so as you date you constantly revise this list and it really helps focus you on who you really want as a partner - and stops you wasting time on people who aren’t right for you.
I actually ended up with two lists. A ‘nice to have but I won’t end the relationship’ list and a ‘must have’ list.
Sorry this advice probably isn’t helpful at all. But it helped me when I felt I would never meet anyone who was right for me and who I clicked with.

God, OP, I don’t want to sound patronising...but all is not lost! Tome to take off your negative specs and stop being so hard on yourself!

I met my DH at 24 and we started our family three years later...but I was like a bloody child bride compared to all of my friendship group! Not a single one of them was ‘settled’ before 34/35 and most of my friends had their first child between 36-39.

You’ve got time. Honestly. You’re in your absolute prime!

And just to add (as people can be relentlessly negative about fertility!) ...if children are on your mind...

I have a friend who had her son with the help of IVF at 41, another friend who fell pregnant with her DD easily at 41, and another who is pregnant via IVF at 42 with her second. My very best friends had babies without any intervention at 36, 37, 39 respectively. My next door neighbour met her husband at 35 and at 42 is about to have their third child!

I felt like this in my early thirties, but I had always wanted marriage and kids and had been naive about how difficult that is. At least half of my peer group didn't settle down until their thirties and some still haven't. One of my closest friends has finally found the loveliest man and is getting married this September at 47 (and he's 4 years younger than her). She's very independent and it took her ages to find someone who was good enough and I really admire her for that. I think it's a real positive that you have had 2 relationships and that one at least was a good one. I didn't have that behind me. I did get married at 34 to someone who I had known for ages and didn't expect a relationship to work. We did struggle to have kids, but I'm now a mum of two (DS at 39, DD at 42).

It sounds like your peer group have settled young. Don't take this as me just being bitter and cynical, but people start separating/getting divorced in their mid thirties and people do come free again! Especially the ones who got shacked up in their twenties. The other thing that is really noticeable amongst my female friends who settled down in their thirties is that almost all of us are older than our men, by at least a couple of years. One of my friends is 7 years older than her DH. OP, it will get better IME and I doubt you'll feel like this at my age.

thank you so much everyone. this has helped me loads and has been a source of huge support at a time when i have felt extremely low. i even called the samaritans i was so low this week and compared to all the messages here, it wasnt a help at all. these posts really have helped me get myself together, thank you.