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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I called boyfriend a ba****d during argument and now i feel awful :(

54 replies

EmmaJenkins1 · 01/08/2018 15:39

I'm 24, he's 26. I was practicing driving to a city about 2 hours away and he was kind enough to sit with me straight after work which i was so grateful for since i need to learn for work. He even checked my car was okay for me.
Of course we've had our arguments like any other couples but i've never ever called him names apart from tonight. The only time name calling has happened is when he's said "you're being a bitch", but that's the most severe it's gone.
Anyways, i get anxious and tense driving to new places. We had a few nitpicks at each other driving there, just about direction and normal couple driving snaps.
When we arrived in the city, i was completely lost, didnt have a clue where i was going, and i was panicking scared i was going to break any speed limits since the speed was changing constantly (not used to city driving being a country girl).
Anyways, I started to feel my eyes get teary. He told me to stop being a baby. And i said "i cant help it. You do realise girls are more emotional than boys", and he said "dont use that excuse. I know plenty of girls that wouldnt cry over this!" So i said "good for them but i'm stressed and this is how i deal with it" (i'm a big believer in not being ashamed to show emotions). Anyway with him calling me a baby and the stress, i was a blubbering mess so i pulled over. He told me to get out of the car for fresh air and i said "no i just need to sit in silence" and he started having a go at me for not getting fresh air but i deal with stress differently. Anyways we managed to get back on the motorway and I said how i hated the drive there and he started listing options I have for the future. I said I feel there's only 2 options - drive here or dont take the job. And he started saying how i dont listen to him, and that he was about to list more options. I said "i might just go straight back to my house after this", he said "okay".
When we got home, i thought we'd have at least a 5 minute chat in the car about how it went because i was a sobby mess and i thought we might have a hug at least. But on the way home he said "drop me off here", i said "why?" He said "going to see my mate" so i said "oh i thought we could talk for a bit?" And he said "you said youre going straight home?" So i said "yeah but i thought we'd at least have a little chat about the events" and he said "i tried to talk to you but you wouldnt listen to me" so i said "i did listen" and he said "where would we talk? My room? You said you were going home so you clearly lied?" So i said "i didnt lie, wherever, i always speak to you when youre upset" and he said "what can i do? It's your life. I've got a mate to see" so i said "you're such a b***rd, get out of my car" and he did,
But i shouldnt have said that, i was just an emotional mess and felt so claustrophobic :( i feel really awkward with him now :(

OP posts:

Heratnumber7 · 01/08/2018 15:40

Never learn to drive with someone you love 😀

Windmillinthewind · 01/08/2018 15:41

When was it ?
Have you spoke to him since
How is he with you?

ciderhouserules · 01/08/2018 15:43

Op you can say Bastard here!

And it sounds like you don't handle stress well. The car journey sounds stressful, and you got flustered. He didn't handle it well, (you being emotional) but it was the situation.

Get some air, have a coffee and calm down. I think he did a good thing, to get out of the way for a bit. You're safe now, See how things are when you've calmed down.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/08/2018 15:43

I hate driving and don't mean this to sound harsh but the car isn't a place to show your emotions. You need to focus on the road and being a blubbering mess isn't safe. But anyway. Say sorry for calling him a bastard and move on. And don't drive with him again for a while, Herat is spot on.

BIWI · 01/08/2018 15:45

FGS. I'm not surprised! You've passed your driving test, why are you blubbing like a baby? Why do you need a man to check things for you?!

If you're that frightened, and can't even work a sat nav or work out how to deal with speed limits (which you should be aware of and how to recognise if you've passed your test) then you shouldn't be in the car.

Stop blaming your responses on being a girl. Grow up and learn to drive and use a sat nav properly.

You might find it useful to have a lesson with an instructor, now you've passed your test.

BIWI · 01/08/2018 15:46

Oh, and welcome to Mumsnet. Hope I haven't just fallen foul of a crap journalist looking for an easy story

Original poster

EmmaJenkins1 · 01/08/2018 15:48

@BIWI i find your response quite small-minded. I can drive, i've never driven in a city, it's totally different driving and many people where i live dont like city driving. There is nothing wrong with my driving overall

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 01/08/2018 15:53

To be fair to @BIWI, she does have a point. It would be easier to follow a Sat Nav as that would also include information on speeds.

You also need to learn how to check your own car. E.g. just basics like topping up oil/water/winsdscreen washer fluid.

And please stop blaming crying on 'being a girl', you're not helping any of us by doing that!

Anyway, when did this happen? Have you heard from him since?

ManeNachger · 01/08/2018 15:59

I thought coubtry folk were Better at driving as people learn earlier due to rural distances being further / less frequent public transport.

I would have been as inpatient as him. Just apologise. Try to be less emotional. Its something some of us have to learn. Ak yy to pp about not driving with a loved one!

NoelHeadbands · 01/08/2018 16:00

So you cried, sulked, expected him to be a mind reader, then name called and threw him out of the car.

The advice to grow up was valid I reckon.

BIWI · 01/08/2018 16:01

I don't think my comments were small-minded. Harsh, perhaps! But I can't believe you've never driven in a city. You must have driven in a more built-up area when you were learning to drive.

Learning to drive as well as the theory test should have given you the principles you need to be able to drive anywhere. And if there's nothing wrong with your driving then what's the problem? Why were you blubbing like a baby? And again, stop blaming it on being a girl! It's really irritating and does other women no favours.

TheGoddessFrigg · 01/08/2018 16:07

i thought we'd have at least a 5 minute chat in the car about how it went because i was a sobby mess and i thought we might have a hug at least

Oh my god... The man is a saint. I would have walked off and caught a bus home.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/08/2018 16:14

Bless you OP.
Some people do stress when driving in a city.
However, why didn't use a sat nav?
I assume you have a mobile phone?
Use google maps or Waze it will make life so much easier for you.
And Waze shows you the speed limit you are in and if you go over the circle bit goes red so you know to slow down.
Get a car charger and a holder for your phone.
Job done!

AdilRamisTache · 01/08/2018 16:29

"i cant help it. You do realise girls are more emotional than boys"

Jesus wept.

This has to be a wind up.

scottishdiem · 01/08/2018 16:39

Either a journo looking for a wind up or someone transported from a Jane Austen era novel used to fainting at every opportunity.

However, I do think that the OP maybe needs to go for the advanced driver lessons to gain confidence. Or, by some big girl pants at the very least.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2018 16:44

“Girls are more emotional than boys”

We definitely would not be friends in real life. I cannot bear people who panic and flap in the way you do, nor women who say idiotic things like the above.

You need to apologise to your boyfriend.

Original poster

EmmaJenkins1 · 01/08/2018 16:51

So can i confirm that nobody on this thread has been stressed or cried without knowing why? I admitted i made a mistake. I'm pretty sure it's bigger to own up to your mistakes. I dont cry like that often.
And about the girls being more emotional, it's true, especially at certain times of the month.
I actually find it more immature to laugh at other people's emotions.

OP posts:

BIWI · 01/08/2018 16:53

^And about the girls being more emotional, it's true, especially at certain times of the month.
I actually find it more immature to laugh at other people's emotions^

FFS.

Now I'm calling goady fucker, as well as journal.

BIWI · 01/08/2018 16:54

For the sake of clarity, nobody is laughing. We're all despairing at you trying to pull the 'little girl has emotions and hormones' card as a defence for poor driving.

CarrotandSwede · 01/08/2018 16:54

I don’t see what your bf did wrong to be honest, I think whatever he did would have been wrong. Get some advanced lessons. I learnt to drive rurally and city driving is different (However I can also reverse into a hedge when a tractor comes which some city drivers can’t or won’t do).

Stop blaming emotions on being a girl, get a sat nav. Being a blubbering mess whilst driving isn’t safe. Talk to him.

Quangot · 01/08/2018 16:59

OP, there is nothing wrong with being a sensitive type, emotional or nervous. Some people are highly strung and there can be benefits on the other side of the coin, such as empathy, patience with others, being a good listener etc. Look up HSP "highly sensitive person" and you'll see what I mean.

It sounds like your boyfriend is more of a practical, unemotional, head above heart, and less patient type, who prefers to get on with the next task rather than having a heart-to-heart. There's nothing wrong with that either, but it may well mean you are not compatible.

I think someone more thoughtful, measured, empathetic, sensitive, reserved, gentle and patient would be a better match for you.

Quangot · 01/08/2018 17:00

That's nothing to do with being male or female though.

Bazzlebear · 01/08/2018 17:02

I have a few thoughts.

I get stressed, often, and I cry randomly sometimes. Nothing wrong with that. I recognise though that it's silly of me and I don't need wrapping in cotton wool.

It seems as though you've been brought up (?) to fit a particular girly stereotype and that worries me. There is no biological difference between men and women's emotions, but women are brought up to feel a) fragile and b) that it's ok to show emotions more. Nothing wrong with b, but a is not great.

I think actually his fairly matter of fact approach is healthy and would be a good thing for many people- maybe try and recognise that it's not really normal to be tiptoeing around people and fuelling drama?

I find it really, really odd that people have relationships where they don't snap, call names, be a bit horrid to each other at times. How can you possibly be comfortable with someone if you're scared of venting? It would be abnormal if that then became toxic or you didn't move on from that, but saying 'you're such a bastard' in the heat of the moment really shouldn't be seen as something terrible. Just apologise and move on.

He actually sounds like he's trying to be supportive. Listen to his other options if you're going to struggle with the drive.

Remember, women can be as strong and confident as men- please don't think you have to fit the soft, fragile, needs-protection stereotype as he seems to have his head screwed on and realises that it's ridiculous!

Shortstuff08 · 01/08/2018 17:03

Are you learning to drive or have you actually passed your test.

You wanted a chat about how the drive went?

For the record some women are more emotional than some men. Some men are more emotional than some women.

The bastard bits not that bad. Personally I think throwing him out of your car was worse.

YeTalkShiteHen · 01/08/2018 17:05

OP you’re getting a hard time because your post contains stereotypes, refers to “girls” when you mean women and were pretty unreasonable.

I understand feeling stressed and worried when you’re driving (I’m learning at the moment and a few times I’ve had to pull over in a safe to pull myself together)

However, it sounds like you were so emotional that you got a bit stroppy and didn’t actually listen to your partner who was apparently trying to help, just not in the way you wanted.

Honestly? If my DP spoke to me the way you’d spoken to him I’d have got out of the car and got the train/bus/taxi home.

I certainly wouldn’t have been in any mood for a hug or to talk about events without an apology.

In the kindest possible way, it sounds like you’re quite immature emotionally and should maybe work on that.

Swearing at your partner is a really shit thing to do as well.

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