Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. problems with dh.

66 replies

katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:20

Please help me. My husband and i have been having problems for a while but earlier this week he left. Says he needs time to get his head straight, but its not looking good. Problem is i have to carry on as usual, easier said than done. Feel like im living a bad dream, this wasnt in my plan?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 31/05/2007 20:24

How about counselling? What does he need to get his head straight about?

SoupDragon · 31/05/2007 20:25

I don't think it's on anyone's plan.

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:29

i know its not . I'm just in shock. He keeps talking about counselling but its not for me.

OP posts:
gingeme · 31/05/2007 20:32

Do you have children katherinez ?

Judy1234 · 31/05/2007 20:33

If you have children suggest he takes them with him for a few days so you have time to get your head straight too. Very convenient for him to disappear to think when you don't get that luxury.

Also make sure he's not clearing out the bank accounts etc in the meantime.

JodieG1 · 31/05/2007 20:43

Personally I wouldn't want to be away from my children or use them in arguements, they should stay in the family home where they'll be most happy and secure.

What are you having problems about?

divastrop · 31/05/2007 20:45

erm...what xenia said.

how long have you been together?have things been particularly stressful recently?

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:46

Yep, 2 dd, 4 and 2. Keeping eye on bank accounts, I have his pin no.
Just finding it soooooo hard . Im just waiting on his word really.

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:47

very stressful lately, just the usual. 2 kids, not enough money or free time, blah de blah.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 31/05/2007 20:49

Counselling is not for you?

Is marriage break-up for you then? Come on love, he's suggested counselling which is a good thing! You can't just sit there and hope he comes back! Take him up on his offer, find out what went wrong and try to fix it.

tribpot · 31/05/2007 20:51

Have got to say, I'm with Rhuby. Rare is the man who suggests counselling IME (of reading MN ) much more often it is the woman who wants to do the talking therapy and the guy won't have a bar of it. You need to do it, I think - what's your alternative?

Hope you can work things out.

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:52

I know, I just can't. I know what you said makes sense, but Im just a private person. Just not for me.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 31/05/2007 20:53

Then what are you going to do?

You've come on Mumsnet haven't you? How is that different to going to a counsellor? They don't know you.

I'm sorry but unless you break down your barriers then I feel concerned for your marriage. Perhaps this is part of the reason for your troubles?

Sounds like he is trying. What are you doing?

divastrop · 31/05/2007 20:54

maybe this is why he has gone?maybe he has been trying to talk to you,to tell you theres a problem,and feels you havent been listening?

is there a reason why you couldnt do councelling?i know you say you are a private person but you have managed to post on here so why not take it a step further and talk to a councellor in rl?

divastrop · 31/05/2007 20:56

x posts rhubarb-we were thinking the same there

macdoodle · 31/05/2007 20:58

But typical man no - just walk away when can't cope and leave the woman to "carry on as normal" with the kids and somehow explain to them where daddy has gone whilst coping herself - aaghh
Sorry hon you need to talk to him

teafortwoandtwofortea · 31/05/2007 21:01

I feel for you, it must be very hard being by yourself and having to just keep going. But I think if this were reversed, and it was you wanting the counselling and your DH refusing we'd all be saying what a fool he was to just give up on his marriage without at least trying. You might be a private person but what do you value more? Do you still live him, want him to stay?

Rhubarb · 31/05/2007 21:02

We don't know the whole situation here, but if he is suggesting counselling then surely he doesn't want things to carry on as they are, he wants to patch things up, to work on the marriage.

You need to overcome this privacy thing of yours for the sake of your marriage and your children.

divastrop · 31/05/2007 21:09

has he been in touch since he left?

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:11

came round today to see dds. nothing to say though.

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:21

Rhubarb, you talk so much sense. I do want him to stay. Think it may be too late though.

OP posts:
Dior · 31/05/2007 21:24

Message withdrawn

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:28

Does counsellimg help? Think it may be too late for that.

OP posts:
divastrop · 31/05/2007 21:31

what makes you think its too late?did he say the marriage was over and he was leaving for good?no-he said he needs to get his head straight.it sounds like a last,desperate attempt to get you to try,with him,to save the relationship.

did you try and talk to him when you saw him?

tribpot · 31/05/2007 21:34

I think the only way you'll know if it's too late for counselling to help, is to try counselling and see if it helps. I'm not joking. I had friends who basically pretended they wanted to save their marriage but really they didn't, and the excuse they gave for not going to counselling was "well you need to know if you really want to stay together before it's worth it". Not true at all, one thing you can definitely learn through counselling is whether you want to stay together.

What this was code for was: we have serious and irreconcilable problems but we don't want to admit it.

Now, that may not be your issue - I'm sure it isn't, but it's worth bearing in mind. If you are serious about trying to fix the problems in your marriage, it is worth considering counselling.

Swipe left for the next trending thread