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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. problems with dh.

66 replies

katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:20

Please help me. My husband and i have been having problems for a while but earlier this week he left. Says he needs time to get his head straight, but its not looking good. Problem is i have to carry on as usual, easier said than done. Feel like im living a bad dream, this wasnt in my plan?

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 11:07

I think thats a big part of it. We have both been stuggling to cope with life lately. Ive been wrapped up in myself and havent supported him.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 07/06/2007 08:09

hi katherinez how are you today?

Original poster
katherinez · 07/06/2007 10:27

Better than I have been for a while, thanks. Things are sinking in a bit. Can still only think one day at a time. We are still waiting for an appointment to come through for the counselling assessment. Its just really hard waiting.

He is living here but does not seem to want to communicate much. All he keeps saying is lets wait for the counselling. That worries me a bit because he really doesnt know if he even wants to try at the relationship IYSWIM.

I am trying hard to be patient and to remind him of all the positive things in our life together. Don't know what else I can do really. I am going to fight for him though!

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mylittlestar · 07/06/2007 10:58

Good for you. You sound a lot more positive.

The counselling may help you both get things out in a structured way. Hopefully after that you can carry on the discussions alone at home and keep working on it.

I know it's torture waiting for the appointment, but just be careful that he doesn't pin all hopes on the counselling as a way of fixing everything. It will only help him to express and understand what is up. It will take you both to actually put the effort at home in order to make things right. I hope he realises that.

Good luck to you though. I think you have every chance of getting through this xx

Original poster
katherinez · 07/06/2007 14:05

thankyou for listening.

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Original poster
katherinez · 14/06/2007 09:01

Things seem to be going from bad to worse and feel totally beyond my control. Found out last week that he has been telling all his friends and familly that our marriage has been over for 2 years. He had also told them all that I knew this and was not willing to try at the relationship. I had know idea how bad things were. He is reluctantly saying he will see a counsellor with me, though he is adament it wont make a scrap of difference. It feels so unfair. Now I know the situation, I can work on it. I know that for years our relationship has been low on my list of priorities, and wrongly so. But now I know how he feels I want a chance to put things right. Surely thats not to much to ask.

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mother2b · 14/06/2007 09:16

maybe when you get to see the counciller it will make a difference, you may think that it wont but it does because there is a third person that can hear what you are saying and maybe say it in a different way to DH that he may understand better or it may click hearing someone else say what you have been trying to tell him, i had to go to family counciling and it really help me and my family sort out my problems, even though i had just been saying to the councilor the same things i had tried to tell my parents she managed to explain this to them be approaching it from a different way with a different point of veiw.
i hope it helps

Original poster
katherinez · 14/06/2007 12:23

I really hope so. I just cant contemplate life without him.

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Uetli · 14/06/2007 12:43

Katherinez

I could have written your last post 18 months ago (except I didn't know it was that bad cos he didn't blo*dy tell me) total bombshell, worst thing I'd ever faced. Went to Relate, took pretty much the whole relationship with a blank slate and renegotiated how we did everything, started again and now I am "everything he could ever want in a wife" (apparently....) The relate book "Staying together - from crisis to commitment", was so helpful. Basically you have to find out what he needs and give that to him, and he should do the same for you.

And don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes it takes a bombshell. But you (both) have got to change for your marriage to continue.

Uetli · 14/06/2007 12:43

Katherinez

I could have written your last post 18 months ago (except I didn't know it was that bad cos he didn't blo*dy tell me) total bombshell, worst thing I'd ever faced. Went to Relate, took pretty much the whole relationship with a blank slate and renegotiated how we did everything, started again and now I am "everything he could ever want in a wife" (apparently....) The relate book "Staying together - from crisis to commitment", was so helpful. Basically you have to find out what he needs and give that to him, and he should do the same for you.

And don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes it takes a bombshell. But you (both) have got to change for your marriage to continue.

Uetli · 14/06/2007 12:46

Counsellor made observations like "you're very emotional about everything". Well yes I am funnily enough because my husband wants to leave me...... but she had a point, he couldn't get past the emotions to deal with the issues with me

Original poster
katherinez · 14/06/2007 12:48

Uetli, thats so good to here. I will do anything to save my marriage. I just want to get that through to him. I know I need to change and probably so does he. Will look up that book. He sees no way forward from this at the moment. We do need to start over completely.

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Original poster
katherinez · 14/06/2007 12:51

It seems like that has been a big part of it. He has not been telling me how he feels for so long for fear of hurting me. Because he says he feels guilty for feeling that way. But I didnt know how bad things were so was carrying on as usual.

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hurtwife · 14/06/2007 13:01

You have already said he has put up with hell- he must have thought there was something good there.

He may just be a bit low at the moment and putting up his own barriers so he doesnt get hurt anymore.

I too have been through it - i had a point where i had to sit up and think do i want my relationship or not. i thought long and hard and thought i would give it everything i had - started thinking about him for a change. it helped me but unfortunatly there was already someone else. However because i had already done some work on myself he found it hard to leave, and now we are really working together.

Give it your all then even if he walks away you will know in your heart you did everything and at least wont have the guilt of it all.

Original poster
katherinez · 14/06/2007 13:09

He is doing exactly that hurtwife. He has told me so. Everything has changed for me in the last few weeks. Faced with the reality of losing him I know now things must change. I wish I could of come to this conclusion sooner. But like Uetli said it sometimes does take a bombshell to make you sit up and take note. Have ordered the book Uetli.

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Original poster
katherinez · 17/06/2007 20:31

Well we are still waiting for our counselling assessment. He is still here which is something. I am struggling though. At the moment he is only here because he feels he ought to be. He is not at a point where he wants to try at our marriage yet. I hope it comes. Im trying to be patient but its so scary. I just want to remind him of the good times.

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