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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help. problems with dh.

66 replies

katherinez · 31/05/2007 20:20

Please help me. My husband and i have been having problems for a while but earlier this week he left. Says he needs time to get his head straight, but its not looking good. Problem is i have to carry on as usual, easier said than done. Feel like im living a bad dream, this wasnt in my plan?

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:35

Just going on my gut instinct diva. He's so calm and collected.

OP posts:
squidette · 31/05/2007 21:37

Counselling can help - its a tool, not a fix. It can help you learn to accept, to listen, to work on your part in the partnership, to support and be supported in change.

By its self, it doesnt work - like a car wont drive itself. I hope that you see your husband reaching out, even though its really hard for you to think about revealing yourself to a stranger. But really counselling nowdays, especially CBT based talking therapies, are not about delving about in past private matters, but thinking about today and how you can change your todays for hopeful tomorrows.

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:41

Yeah but counselling, f2=king hell, does anyone have any experience of this. Am I being totally unreasonable in not wanting this?

OP posts:
hellobello · 31/05/2007 21:52

If you want your relationship to survive, you are being totally unreasonable about putting a 3rd person between you.

These things take time and effort and often the first step is to both sit together with a councellor. They are trained to help, otherwise they wouldn't be there. Relate has a good website, they train their therapists well and the therapists have masses of experience. If you don't like the first one you meet, you can see someone else. It doesn't have to be expensive, and yes, it really IS worth it.

If you split up with your dh now and go on to have further relationships, you will have the same relationship with someone else. You will have the same problems again with someone else.

I've seen this happen again and again. Please don't be too proud to get help with your dh.

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 21:58

I don't want to go to counselling.

Yes i am having a strop!

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 22:02

hmmmmph,

hello bello, know you are right.

OP posts:
notsofarnow · 31/05/2007 22:30

The way I see it is that you have got nothing to loose by going to counselling and everything to loose if you don't.

Gosh I wish my dh would go to relate - he left in march and i'm going to relate on my own.

Original poster
katherinez · 31/05/2007 22:39

Gease, maybe need to re think

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Paddlechick666 · 01/06/2007 06:20

sounds to me like you've given up before you started trying.

it's awful when they leave and very hard for women to undestand how men seem able to detach themselves emotionally.

read thru some of the relationship threads that deal with partners leaving.

read some of the threads on lone parents about coping on your own and juggling access, maintenance and so on.

think long and hard if you want your marriage to survive.

another thought is that he may be suffering depression. he may need your help and understanding and support to get himself into treatment for that.

he may be asking you to go to counselling as much for himself as the marriage.

so on balance, you could lose your marriage and all the future plans you had as a family.

or you could try a counselling session and really see what it's like.

Rhubarb · 01/06/2007 09:52

Yes counselling does work.

Yes it is worth a go.

What do you stand to lose? Honestly? In your head you have lost your dh anyway. At least this way you can say you have tried. You owe it to your dh and your children to do all that is possible to save your marriage. Don't be so pathetic woman and pull yourself together! Your children won't have any respect for you if you only put this much effort into everything you do.

Stop your childish stropping and take responsibility for your marriage!

Mumpbump · 01/06/2007 10:01

Katherinez - I got dh to go on a one day workshop with Relate because we were arguing so much, that we were both frazzled and neither of us wanted things to continue which meant either ending the relationship or taking steps to try to change things. Dh took the micky out of the whole thing and was quite resistant to going along, but we both took away different things from that day and he did say (without prompting) a few months ago that he thought it had been really helpful. We didn't have children at that point, but had a joint property so breaking up would have been quite a hassle.

So, I think counselling can work, even if one party is sceptical. If your dh is suggesting it, it does sound as though he wants to talk, but feels that he isn't able to communicate directly with you for whatever reason so he wants help.

You might not like the idea, but would you rather be a single mum to 2 children who only see their father once a week/fortnight?

Grrrr · 01/06/2007 10:09

Katherine,

If your dh wants to try counselling, he sounds like a dh with whom it would be worthwhile trying to make a go of things up.

So many men just won't hear of it. I obviuosly don't know him like you do but I really feel this willingness to seek help makes him a cut above the average and hope that you give it a try. As one poster said, you've got nothing to lose. Give it a try for your children's sake if nothing else.

matilda57 · 01/06/2007 10:42

You could try seeing a counsellor on your own if the thought of three of you is just too much ie dip your toe in, and find out what it's really like, not what you think it's like? They are trained to work with you as you are, not to force you to be someting you're not, so if you say that you are a private person and find the whole process extremely challenging, they will work with that.

It's hard to tell from what you've said, but it may be that you are worried your dp will bully you in counselling (just a guess). For a start, a counsellor won't let him, but maybe seeing one on your own first will help you to get a hang of how it all works. It can be a very empowering process K, as a good counsellor validates who you are iyswim.

Good luck hun. I'm sorry it has come to this and hope you can find a way forward to get what you want ie your relationship back X

Original poster
katherinez · 01/06/2007 12:49

Thankyou for your words of wisdom!

That workshop sounds ok mumpbump. Will look on relates website.

OP posts:
hellobello · 01/06/2007 13:17

It's a real relief to get away from blaming eaci other ALL the time and to perhaps have a bit more control over one's own baggage. Relationships are hard work, but it's really worth the effort to try to work things out. Then at least you can carry on, knowing that you have tried your best and you won't make the same mistakes again. Good luck! It's really not that bad!

Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 09:27

Ok, so last night we had a long talk. Things are obviously far worse in his eyes than I ever realized. We are going to go for an assessment to see if we are appropriate for couple counselling.

I love him so much and I dont want to lose him.

I,m so scared .

Any advice anyone? Please tell me this can work? Can it?

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mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 09:36

Sounds like the two of you have a lot of talking to do. You really need to get to the bottom of all of the issues.

Agree that counselling is a great start.

But you also need to be finding the time to talk to each other one to one, regularly, and for as long as it takes.

When my H left me a few months ago I too I had no idea how bad things had got in his head. With hindsight we obviously had a complete lack of communication and if we could have addressed that much earlier on we probably wouldn't be separated now.

It can work. You both have to want it though. And be prepared to put some work in and hear things you may not want to hear. I'm sure you can work it out if that's what you want. Total honest communication will be the key.

Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 09:42

I have told him I will do all it takes. I really will. But im worried about him. He said last night it was over. He wants the counselling which I know is a good sign. But it doesnt really match what he's telling me IYSWIM.

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mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 09:46

Could he have someone else?

(Sorry don't mean to hurt or upset you. This was something I didn't even think of and it turned out to be the case.)

mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 09:57

I will expand on that last post... the reason why I ask is that someone said to me that men very rarely leave unless they have somewhere to go (that may be physically or emotionally).

But if he's willing to try and willing to go to counselling, then why has he left? Is he going to move back in while you work through this?

Can you see that this has been building for a long time and you've refused to acknowledge it? Or is it really completely out of the blue?

Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 10:00

No, I dont think so. Its just between me and him. We just havent been communicating. Well, I havent been listening may be a better way of putting it.

OP posts:
Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 10:04

He stayed with a friend last week but came back at the week end. (because his dad told him to!) or thats what he said last night.

This has been building for years thh. Ive always taken him for granted a bit i suppose. I just never ever thought it would come to this.

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mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 10:14

Well if there's nobody else involved, and he wants counselling, then I think you have an excellent chance. If you both can learn to listen and respond to each other.

FWIW I'd expect him to move back home though. He has no reason to be away. He shouldn't get to run off and leave his children. And if this is going to work I think you should be living together for that to really happen. You can't solve things by living in a totally artificial way and being apart most of the time. (IMHO!)

Original poster
katherinez · 06/06/2007 10:31

I love him so much. He is kind and caring. A fantastic father. He supports me and looks after me. I really havent put the effort in lately. Just hope its not to late.

He does seem very low. He is drinking far to much. He says its because his hurting. I just didnt realise how unhappy he was.

OP posts:
mylittlestar · 06/06/2007 10:57

Perhaps think about paddlechick's comments then and the possibility of depression. Maybe that's why he's so keen on the counselling and getting help.

Please don't forget that you matter in all of this though. Depression, and marriage troubles, don't give him the right to run off and leave you to cope with the shock of all of this, plus the children, alone.
You matter too. Don't forget that.