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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just thrown husband out

90 replies

Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 22:32

Got no one to talk to in real life so posting here to try to get some clarity .
Just discovered load of messages on husbands phone , he's been meeting up for sex and sexting. He had her on kik messenger which was hidden on his apps. He said "Ok, I have no defence "
And let me throw him out.

He didn't even say sorry or try to fight for our marriage.

I totally did not see this coming..

We have a 5 year old who will know something is wrong when daddy is not here in the morning.

Cant believe hes thrown our marriage away and our family life.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
JanisJoplin73 · 31/07/2018 22:37

Good riddance . You’ll be fine.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 22:39

So many thoughts running through my head. Why did he ? How could he ? Am I a total idiot ? Why is she better than me? :(

OP posts:
FarFlungFairy · 31/07/2018 22:39

You’ve done the right thing, stay strong and resolute and make sure you get yourself tested! He may have put your sexual health at risk-unforgivable.

Singlenotsingle · 31/07/2018 22:41

Just take time to let it sink in. Horrible man

FarFlungFairy · 31/07/2018 22:42

Forget about her, focus your anger on him. You’re not an idiot for trusting the person you should be able to trust most in the world.
Try to remember he’s done this because he is not who you think he is, there is nothing with you, there’s something very wrong with him.

FarFlungFairy · 31/07/2018 22:42

There is nothing wrong With you that should say.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 22:47

Thank you .
Just putting down in words is having a slightly calming effect.
This may sound niaive but I never thought this would happen to us. I always thought it happens to other people and then wham.. one random Tuesday night and this happens.
I am trying to stop looking back for signs / indications of something going on. I really had no idea

Positive thinking .... better be alone and have self respect, then be in a marriage that doesn't mean shit I guess ?

OP posts:
Oldstyle · 31/07/2018 22:47

Really sorry OP - you must feel bewildered and angry and hurt and no doubt worried about the future. Are you ok with it being the end of the relationship or would you consider taking him back if he promised to change? If the latter then it's worth deciding what your requirements are and if/how he can regain your trust. He may not try of course, or you might decide you don't want him back anyway. In which case it's a matter of getting some legal advice rapidly. Good luck.

Tryingagain1 · 31/07/2018 22:51

Sorry OP Flowers he's not deserving of you. Fwiw having done online dating, there are plenty of married men who pretend to be single/separated/in process of divorce to lure unsuspecting single women into relationships. She may not even know about you Sad don't take him back, he's a waste.

Bimgy85 · 31/07/2018 22:54

So sorry to hear this, but fuck him if he didn't even bother to try at least fight for it. Do you think anything led up to this, did you have a good sex life? Never have sex? Did you ever suspect anything

mumofthe21stcentury · 31/07/2018 22:59

He is a dick in having an affaire. You deserve better. You wouldn't necessarily known as you were in love and you wouldn't suspect something like that of your loved ones.

There must be so many things go through your head. Don't do anything now (in case it's a reaction to the heat of a moment). Have a glass of wine, sleep on it tonight and tomorrow when your head stops spinning you can think about next steps. Most importantly, what do you want? Do you want to find out why he cheated and make be try again? (This would be an unpopular suggestion here I know but you have a child together, parents shall try harder to stay together). Do you want to break up?

Kismett · 31/07/2018 23:03

She is not better than you. She is different. Cheating isn't about your worth, it's about the fact that he is the type of person that cheats. He would have cheated on anyone. Please don't think that you are any lesser of a person.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 23:05

Thank you for the replies
No @oldstyle I don't think I could take him back. The trust is gone, I would be suspicious all the time.
I thought we had a fairly good sex life. Granted, sometimes it would only be a couple of times a week with us both working full time but generally it was good.
Recently however (say past 6 months ), I have found me wanting it a lot more than him.
@Tryingagain1 she knew about me. There were messages about having to move from whatsapp to Kik so I wouldn't see the messages .

OP posts:
DestinationReached · 31/07/2018 23:05

Oh I'm so sorry. He is the one who has thrown it away, you've done the right thing.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 23:08

@mumofthe21stcentury gosh I don't think I can try to work at it. I mean he didn't even say he was sorry , he said ok and walked out the house as soon as he asked. I think why should I make the effort to save the marriage , when he can't? He's hurt me so much.
He's made more effort in meeting up for shags with a woman whose not his wife.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 23:09

Thank you @kissmet and @DestinationReached

OP posts:
madhattermum · 31/07/2018 23:22

Don't ever ever think she is better then you or she has something you don't have. That's the biggest mistake a loyal and caring wife/GF can do, to blame herself. Look at beautiful celebrities around the world that get cheated on, there are men who would sell their souls to be with these women yet their men cheat on them and sometimes it's with right mingers, or call girls, lap dancers etc.
This is a male ego thing when men need to feel so special and wanted they will risk stable relationships over something that is superficial. Very often it never lasts and karma catches up with them. The best you can do is empower yourself and repeat phrases in your mind, 'you deserve better, for the sake of your own self respect and dignity' believe in yourself and do little things that make you happy. Spend time with friends and your DC. Get your nails done, your hair done, go for a facial or some kind of pampering. You deserve to feel and look good regardless of how much you are feeling sorry for yourself. When you look back you don't want to just remember the pain and the heartache but feel like you put yourself and your happiness first.

madhattermum · 31/07/2018 23:26

If he is not going to be sorry for what he has done. You don't need to be feeling sorry for yourself either. Take yourself to a place in your mind and life where your self worth speaks for itself! Don't let him make you feel less valued or make you feel like you need him. I know there is a marriage at stake here. But when one person couldn't care less the other needs to unburden themselves too.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 31/07/2018 23:28

Thank you @madhattermum
The thing is , He made he happy (until today obv). I was happy with my marriage and our life. But now....

What a mess

Probably in a year's time , I'll be set up on my own and I'll look back and think what was all the fuss about. It's just really hard to imagine that point at the moment.

OP posts:
ShinyPinkLipgloss · 31/07/2018 23:32

Don't ever ever think she is better then you or she has something you don't have. That's the biggest mistake a loyal and caring wife/GF can do, to blame herself. Look at beautiful celebrities around the world that get cheated on, there are men who would sell their souls to be with these women yet their men cheat on them and sometimes it's with right mingers, or call girls, lap dancers etc.

^THIS!^

You valued your marriage - he clearly didn't. You are well rid. He's been living off the thrill of having a dirty little secret. Now that its no longer a secret it may well fall apart and he'll attempt to crawl back. Remember how he's made you feel and under no circumstances accept him back. He might pull on your emotions by saying it's better for your child to grow up with both parents. When one of the parents is like him - NO - it's not. What kind of message would you be sending to them?

If he doesn't eventually come crawling back then they deserve each other. Either well you are WELL RID.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you and you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Count yourself lucky you've discovered his true colours now and not 30 years down the line.

Focus on you and your child. Forget him. Restrict communication to access to your child and ignore anything else.

madhattermum · 31/07/2018 23:45

Of course everything is very raw right now and will take time to heal from all this. You will feel like crap for a long time but please just don't start self destructing by looking for flaws in yourself. No one is perfect and I suppose least of all him, however to have no remorse is another thing, shameless. He will eventually want back in at some point but that's to decide later on. What you don't want to do is end up taking him back because you feel weak and broken. You have hard work ahead of you in picking up the pieces and finding yourself again. Silence is the best way forward. Do not give him any control or power over how broken you are. He will try to work that in his favour. Your life as you knew it no longer exists and with the passage of time you will find out if it's worth building new foundations with him. Until then it's all about you now. You and DC are the priority here. Your worth is no longer defined by him or the marriage. He screwed up not you. It hurts but let this pain be the stepping stones you need to empower yourself.

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 00:00

@shinypinklipgloss it sends a message to our son that it's ok to disrespect each other and that marriage vows aren't worth anything.

You know what as well, he was best man at his friends wedding this weekend. Haha he was stood there listening to vows about faithfulness- how on earth did he keep a straight face?!

Wow @madhattermum you should be a motivational speaker, I hadn't thought about the control issue and breaking away from the control And defining.
He'll probably be on Facebook in two weeks time (if that) declaring love with his new GF. He always had a knack of coming up smelling of roses when the shit hits the fan.

Just running a bubble bath because mind is racing and can't sleep. Brought my son into my bed for cuddles.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 01/08/2018 00:21

How awful OP. You must still be in shock! Stand firm and don’t chase after him. He’s vile to do this to your marriage. Does his family all know what he’s done?

Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 06:42

@cawfee no , no one else knows yet. I only discovered it last night .
I see the MIL and FIL quite often as they help with childcare. I'm seeing her this morning actually but I don't think I'll say anything yet. I'm kind of interested to see what explanation her darling son comes out with .

OP posts:
Original poster
Ceebeegee · 01/08/2018 06:43
  • to her I mean, not me.

I don't even want an explanation from him . But I bet he tells his family a completely different story where I'm the bad guy

OP posts:
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