Who gets accommodated here?

[another20]

Sons 21st - have arranged at his request a city centre team activity for friends and family followed by dinner after. His GF isn’t able to do the activity due to anxiety and he now tells me that she is unable to travel into the city for the dinner after due to anxiety and the expectation is now that I rearrange the dinner for back in the suburbs so that she can attend. This would involve moving 20 people to accommodate one persons needs (GF) and one persons wishes (DS). We are paying for all of it - don’t want to upset DS - but don’t want to inconvenience 18 others. FWIW the anxiety seems to come and go - has travelled plenty of places in the UK and abroad in last few months.

Are the friends and family all travelling in from the same place as you? In which case I wouldn't mind as a guest, returning to our home area as then it's easy to get home after the dinner. If the dinner doesn't "need" to be in the city centre then I would rearrange. Given it is DS birthday, I'm sure he wants his GF there. Anxiety does come and go. That's the nature of it. However, if people would have to travel home further after the dinner, if it's changed, then that would change my answer.

It's his birthday though so presumably he wants his girlfriend there. If she really feels that anxious about it and you want to make sure she comes then you may have to consider moving it. Another option is to stick with your plan but then do something separate with the girlfriend. What does your son want?

We it’s HIS birthday and HIS girlfriend. I think he’s the most important person here and if that’s what he wants to do then I would do it if it’s possible.

Son wants GF there - so going back out. Our immediate family are out that way but rest of family and family friends live other side of city - so not convenient for them. Also I didn’t want to break up the party energy/flow by having a commute in the middle of it.

She might be anxious about traveling into the city and spending the day with 18 people. Anxiety does come and go and sometimes it's situational. Who has she travelled with.

It's DS birthday so I would do what he wants .

How long til the occasion? Maybe you ds could support her seeking help for her anxiety?
Would she travel better in a car with him than making her own way?

Also the original plan was that she had agreed that she would come in for dinner - but just this morning has said she is now not able.

Her parents are driving her in - they are also coming to the dinner.

Is your DS going to find an alternative venue himself and then tell the other guests himself? If he wants things changed and you're paying, he could chip in by doing some of the legwork. You shouldn't be solely responsible for resolving all this.

I can see its frustrating but anxiety can be unpredictable and your priority is your DS on his special day. You'll have to suck it up.

GF has been having counselling support for a few years for her anxiety. Birthday is Thurs so not much time to cancel and rearrange, but it can be done. Think it’s a fair point to ask DS to rearrange but I don’t want to piss him off.

Why would it piss him off?

And has he/his girlfriend suggested another venue or is that up to you to figure out?

Assumption is that it is for me to figure out and rearrange new venue - but I could put that back to him.

I would ask him/them for a shortlist of acceptable places and then say you'll try and rearrange at one of those. A bit of help would be nice as it's late notice and you're trying to make it fit their requirements.

What if you rearrange and still she is anxious?

He and GF are causing the issue, very close to the event date, so DS should make all of the practical arrangements. Some guests may drop out due to inconvenience of a location change, but that’s fair enough.

I have an anxiety condition and would never inconvenience others like this.

oh dear, can they have a celebration just the two of them?

What if you rearrange and still she is anxious?
agree

GF has a 6am flight the morning after the dinner - I am wondering if this is also on her mind.

I'd get them to rearrange it to their liking.

Yeah get them to rearrange it.. sounds like her anxiety stems from not wanting to miss her flight.

You can't really book the alternative venue with any confidence. It has to be her decision. Personally I am wary of enabling people with irrational behaviours. If she's been in counselling for 2 years and still can't be dropped off at a restaurant by her parents she needs a different form of counselling. Maybe I'm just hyper-critical, but I've seen the long-term effects of partners (women) needing to control every tiny aspect of the environment they, and by association their partner and children, feel happy in. This includes; what to eat/not eat, where to eat out, where to sit at the restaurant, what to do/not do in spare time, who to see/not see, where to go on holiday, what to do on holiday, what not to do on holiday and on and on and on it goes. And their choices shrink and shrink until they are living this tiny, frustrated life. There's a recent thread on here from a man whose wife has refused to travel in any motorised transport for 10 years and who can't be left on her own ever, even in her own home. He wants out, and every response supported him, mainly because his wife refused to change or commit to counselling. If your son stays with this girlfriend he will need to learn to assert his wants otherwise his life choices are going to be severely restricted.

I’d leave it up to him to rearrange everything and let everyone know.

I absolutely agree that you should give them the responsibility of rearranging it. Just because it's his birthday doesn't make you his PA.