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Original poster

Who gets accommodated here?

69 replies

another20 · 31/07/2018 12:09

Sons 21st - have arranged at his request a city centre team activity for friends and family followed by dinner after. His GF isn’t able to do the activity due to anxiety and he now tells me that she is unable to travel into the city for the dinner after due to anxiety and the expectation is now that I rearrange the dinner for back in the suburbs so that she can attend. This would involve moving 20 people to accommodate one persons needs (GF) and one persons wishes (DS). We are paying for all of it - don’t want to upset DS - but don’t want to inconvenience 18 others. FWIW the anxiety seems to come and go - has travelled plenty of places in the UK and abroad in last few months.

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 31/07/2018 13:48

Your son is 21, an adult. I’d explain to him that it’s a bit too late notice for you to do all the work of rearranging now, he (and his gf?) need to phone around some local restaurants and find who can accommodate a large party at this late notice, there may be deposits etc to pay, do people need to order food from a set menu in advance or order on the night? He needs to look into all that. You can offer to help with some of the ringing round if he comes up with a list of possible venues.

I’d also expect that some guests may possibly back out of the meal part if it becomes much less convenient/more expensive with travel so ask him to explain the change to them and prepare him for the fact that he may lose a few guests.

Anxiety is awful and I sympathise, and I also understand your son wants his gf there, but you have already gone to the effort if organising a celebration that he wanted, I think that give the change is being requested last minute it’s only fair your son take on the responsibility of rearranging - or else what’s to say the new plans won’t suit them either?

Original poster
another20 · 31/07/2018 15:46

fishing nail on the head I think. I have discussed with him in the past the subtleties between encouraging / supporting her to get better against accommodating and enabling which will just exacerbates her issues. Her life has already rapidly become v small due to this. He is quite enmeshed in it. Maybe this 21st celebration isn’t the time or the place to bring this out.

OP posts:
mrscampbellblackreturns · 31/07/2018 15:50

Could you suggest doing a local dinner with son and his girlfriend at another time.

I would just say to your son that it really is too late to change arrangements now but he is welcome to try if he wants too, but not to be surprised if some people pull out.

MaybeDoctor · 31/07/2018 15:55

For a 21st, I would probably grit my teeth a bit but rearrange.

For my own 21st my parents wanted me to do one thing, my boyfriend another and my friends a third thing. I ended up spending most of the day on a 6 hour journey across the country trying to please everyone, failed miserably and ended up doing precisely nothing!

dirtybadger · 31/07/2018 15:55

I would cancel the dinner and just go out with DS and GF for a meal after. Or give that option, anyway. Only because its very short notice. I assume the other guests, having seen DS in day, wont really mind?

mrscampbellblackreturns · 31/07/2018 16:06

If the GF has a 6am flight I bet she cancels wherever you end up having the dinner. Not sure I would be up for a big 21st celebration if I had to be up at say 3am.

Maybe ask your son if it is the timing that is the issue and then just do dinner with her when she is back from her trip.

RainySeptember · 31/07/2018 16:37

Has she actually asked you to rearrange and accommodate everyone?

Or has she just decided she doesn't want to go and conveniently blamed her anxieties, with ds being the one actually pushing for a rearrangement?

For all you know, she's on the brink of dumping him. Or wouldn't go even if you changed the venue.

I think I would give ds a list of guests and details of all arrangements, asking him to cancel, make alternative arrangements, and then tell everyone.

IMO he is the unreasonable one at this stage, pushing the problem to you. And I don't like the fact that you're worried about upsetting him, that's crazy, when he isn't at all worried about upsetting you.

Original poster
another20 · 31/07/2018 16:41

Maybe - that’s the very last thing that I want to happen, he is a brilliant son and I just want this to be fun. His sister has said that he would never ever choose a local restaurant over the city one we have booked and due to the timing of the activity it will be a pain trekking out (hot and hungry) in rush hour.

Dirty - I can’t really send friends and family away without refreshment if they have travelled in to the city to do this event.

OP posts:
Original poster
another20 · 31/07/2018 16:48

Rainy - you are 100% correct - he is now saying he is stuck between GF and me.....I just don’t want to upset him on his 21st birthday.

He is asking me to rearrange - I told him he would need to do that himself then and he wasn’t impressed. Maybe I leave it at that then. Ball in his court.

OP posts:
MrsSnootyPants2018 · 31/07/2018 16:51

If you had longer to rearrange I'd say do that, but for Thursday? Too short notice.

As you've mentioned, she was meant to be driving in with her parents I'm not sure what else would help her if that doesn't. Could your son meet them half way?

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2018 16:52

He will only realise how hard it is to rearrange things like this last minute if he gets involved himself. Tell him to pick a few suitable places as he'll know what they are better than you, ring and see what availability is like, whether they need advance orders for so many diners, do they want a deposit etc, and then let you know before you cancel the other place. He needs to see the details of what he's displacing onto you.

peodar · 31/07/2018 16:55

Make sure when he's rearranging that he includes transport for his guests. I'd be pissed if I had to schlep out to the suburbs unexpectedly and mightn't bother when it comes to it if I had to pay. He needs to learn not to pander to her so much

kenandbarbie · 31/07/2018 17:00

He might not be so keen on enabling her now he has to sort it out himself. Wait and see how it pans out.

Bombardier25966 · 31/07/2018 17:08

What would your response be if she had a visible disability that stopped her accessing the city centre? This is no less valid.

Hadalifeonce · 31/07/2018 17:16

Bombadier I don't think that is relevant, her parents are driving her in, and staying for the meal.

Loopytiles · 31/07/2018 17:17

Her MH issue may make it hard for her to attend the meal, but that doesn’t justify reorganisation and additional expense for all the other guests and OP as host.

Loopytiles · 31/07/2018 17:18

The “adjustment” she and OP’s DS are seeking is not reasonable.

DelphiniumBlue · 31/07/2018 17:26

She can’t travel to a restaurant with her parents in a car but she can go a flight the next day? Sounds quite selective....
I agree that if needs to be rearranged, then DS and GF do the rearranging, including contacting everyone else, dealing with transportation, and taking on the cost of cancellation. I suspect it would mean that some people aren’t able to come to the meal.
I am sorry for your DS, he sounds lovely, as do you. I don’t think the GF is being fair here, sounds quite manipulative, and she may well bale out anyway.

RainySeptember · 31/07/2018 17:28

Bombadier, I'd have some sympathy if she was saying 'I can't go but I know it's short notice so have a brilliant time without me'.
It sounds like she's been accommodated (parents invited) and is still bowing out very last minute without any attempt by either her or ds to fix the situation.

Op, give ds the choice : change everything himself or do the event without his gf, maybe do dinner with gf when she gets back?

Incidentally, she can't manage this but is off on a holiday the next morning? Sounds a bit selective.

RainySeptember · 31/07/2018 17:28

Cross posted delphinium!

Loopytiles · 31/07/2018 17:31

DS is not stuck between his GF and you OP: YANBU. he’d happily agreed to specific arrangements - at your expense and involving lots of others - and is now seeking to change them, adding hassle and cost, to accommodate his GF at very short notice.

FinallyHere · 31/07/2018 17:38

Assumption is that it is for me to figure out and rearrange new venue - but I could put that back to him.

Sounds like a good plan.

parklives · 31/07/2018 17:48

Yes to the ds and gf working out the plan b.
They might start to understand that actually it's a lot less stressful and anxiety inducing to stick to the original plan.
Or they might decide that actually the sensible thing is for the gf to bow out of the meal when they realise how much work and disruption her last minute change of heart will have on all the other guests.
Life lesson for them here, I would let them work it out op.

MotherofTerriers · 31/07/2018 17:53

Cancelling the original table for 20 at short notice may upset the first venue and you may find it difficult to find another one which can accommodate you all
Let him do it

Notevilstepmother · 31/07/2018 17:58

I predict that if you or he do manage to rearrange the meal at great inconvenience to everyone else she will find another reason not to go or to stop him enjoying the day. I know it sounds harsh, but at 21 he should be enjoying life not enabling thins kind of behaviour.

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