Who gets accommodated here?

[another20]

Sons 21st - have arranged at his request a city centre team activity for friends and family followed by dinner after. His GF isn’t able to do the activity due to anxiety and he now tells me that she is unable to travel into the city for the dinner after due to anxiety and the expectation is now that I rearrange the dinner for back in the suburbs so that she can attend. This would involve moving 20 people to accommodate one persons needs (GF) and one persons wishes (DS). We are paying for all of it - don’t want to upset DS - but don’t want to inconvenience 18 others. FWIW the anxiety seems to come and go - has travelled plenty of places in the UK and abroad in last few months.

I think you need to accommodate your son's wishes in some way, it is his birthday after all.

I wonder does the girlfriend even know this is all being done because of her. Would not all these changes for her not add to her anxiety? I would feel pretty bad if someone's 21st had to be re-arranged 2 days before because of me.

Maybe your son is just trying to solve a problem but actually his girlfriend just doesn't feel she can attend wherever it is, too much pressure, too many people, early flight the next day etc.

I would suggest you have the dinner as planned with your guests. They are coming to the city for the activity. It is rude to make them drive a far distance for the dinner. How long would the drive to the suburbs be?

What would your response be if she had a visible disability that stopped her accessing the city centre?

I would assume that in that scenario the city centre meal would not have been booked in the first place.

I couldnt be arsed to get into this, as much I would want to accommodate his GF, it isn't her birthday, she isn't paying and she isn't organising it.

I would say, "look mate, this is what's happening, if you and GF want to cancel let me know, if you want to change it, crack on"

Your DS isn't covering himself in glory in all this. His gf can't help her anxieties but his sense of entitlement that you should do the leg work in rearranging things, most certainly can be helped. Personally, I would be more irritated with him, funny how his gf is being 'enabled' but you're reluctant to upset him, what kind gender bias bullshit is that?

What happened in the end op?

Don't see it as gender bias at all - I am not prepared to upset any of my children (girls or boys) on a landmark birthday. I tackle any entitlement issues everyday of the week.

I approached GF parents who had already accepted the invitation at the city venue to try to understand if the issue was crowds, public transport, terrorism etc, ie if it was something we could work around. They were not aware that she had decided not to go and said it was no something specific.

They called me back later to say that she felt unable to go.

We then approached local venues and whilst doing this we had another call from the parents to say that she had changed her mind again and would now come.

We were all delighted with this news and my son was over the moon.

However since then they have not met the deadline for pre-orders, ignored a reminder (my son doesn't know this), so I am no holding my breath.

It has created intense pressure within our family over the past 2 days as we have tried to work out a solution.

So we will see what the evening holds.

She has done an excellent job of making his 21st all about her. Big red flag.

Sorry, I know several people with quite severe anxiety and the idea that this girl can't cope with being driven into the city rather than staying out in the suburbs for a meal in a restaurant, but has no issue going to an airport at 6 am the next morning for a flight, is somewhat incredible. The airport is going to be far, far more busy and more stressful than sitting in a restaurant eating a meal. Now, had she had an anxiety attack in the run-up to the meal and then feel should couldn't go would be one thing. But clearly she seems to know that she's going to be anxious that night in advance.

Something doesn't smell right to me.

Wow. She sounds very difficult and has a load of people running around accommodating her. I’d say that the dinner is going ahead regardless of her or his attendance and if they don’t eat with their guests then they can rearrange another 21st dinner somewhere else on another day. Don’t pander to her!

He is going to be 21! He's an adult. He can arrange his own birthday parties now!

Let’s hope she doesn’t become the DIL! Joking aside, I would be fuming. I have arranged many gatherings and it is hard work never mind someone asking to change it! His GF sounds rather selfish to me and I am surprised her DP didn’t appear to be aware of her change of mind. I am sure if she suffered severe anxiety they would be fully aware of this being a potential issue. Not buying it I am afraid and whilst she may have some issues it doesn’t stop people being selfish arses and spoiling someone’s special birthday.

She has done an excellent job of making his 21st all about her. Big red flag.

Indeed.

Is the daytime activity currently in progress?

Do you think gf and her dp are going to just not show for dinner?

However since then they have not met the deadline for pre-orders, ignored a reminder (my son doesn't know this), so I am no holding my breath.

Oh dear, that means you can't order their food. What a shame.

These are definitely red flags.

I suffer from anxiety, but there is no way I'd expect a party of 20 people to change their arrangements to accommodate my issues! Also, given a few days' notice, I can usually manage to get myself together enough to do whatever it is that needs doing - it's last minute stuff that I struggle with. Surely anyone with this issue wouldn't expect everyone else to change their arrangements? Much simpler to just tell your DS to go and have a good time without her if she really feels unable to attend - it's his birthday, not hers!

You've been very generous about it OP. Hope you and your DS have a good evening