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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think it makes sense if one grown up tries to make another grown up do something...

52 replies

ConfusedWife1234 · 31/07/2018 12:02

Which is good for him or her like eat more healthful? Just as a general question.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 02/08/2018 07:48

I do not buy unhealthy food for him, he buys it himself.

Apart from that question: just generally speaking. When is it okay to control another adult and how do you realize your are codependent?

OP posts:
Shortstuff08 · 02/08/2018 08:15

It's never ok to control someone. That's quite simple.

What you do have is choice. For example, your partner eats unhealthy. You are worried for their health. You Can control your choice in this. Such not buy unhealthy food, or cook it when you are cooking and only cook healthy meals.

If you can't accept that's how they are and it's impacting you, you can choose to not continue the relationship.

rubyjude · 02/08/2018 08:19

You cannot control another adult. You can control what is bought to eat in the house, but seeing as you say he is buy it himself, what can you do? If he wants to kill himself, there's nothing you can do, short of giving him an ultimatum, offering avenues where he can get help, and that's it. Short of tying him down to a bed or something so you can personally force feed him, there's nothing you can do.

SillySallySingsSongs · 02/08/2018 08:19

When is it okay to control another adult

It's never ok. That's abusive.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 02/08/2018 08:23

The previous thread is on page 2 of the relationship board. Can you see it via Threads I Started?

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 02/08/2018 08:26

Funny thing. I only can see it on page two if I am not logged in and cannot see it via thread I started. Really odd. Never happened to me so far.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 02/08/2018 08:55

I think he is just weak

Delightful Hmm

mogratpineapple · 02/08/2018 09:04

As others have said, no. All you can do is make sure you are not an enabler.

Jjjjigoo · 02/08/2018 09:18

My dh would like me to lose some weight for health purposes and just generally, but he doesn't go on about it. If he did, it would backfire massively. I know I need to lose weight. I don't need to be told and it would cause resentment and arguments if he kept trying to influence me. I have to get to the right frame of mind so that I want to do it myself. No passive aggressive, not buying or cooking certain things, would help me get to that frame of mind. It would probably do the opposite and make it harder.

Just offer to help him as you are worried about him and tell him that you'll support him in whatever he chooses to do. Then drop the subject. If he chooses to self destruct, that's his choice.

slowrun · 02/08/2018 09:29

Jjjjgoo, but if someone supplied you with delicious healthy food which actually satiated your appetite without you feeling like you were missing out but was actually chosen to help you lose weight, would that still make it harder to get in the right frame of mind? Would you try the food if someone said they might be able to do this?

Added to this if someone found an exercise programme for you that you might actually enjoy would that be counterproductive as well?

Jjjjigoo · 02/08/2018 09:38

I'd probably enjoy the nice food but I'd probably eat chocolate etc as well to satisfy my cravings.
Fine to do the healthy eating bit, but without comment or pressure. And don't get annoyed if they eat other stuff as well.
The more pressure that is applied, three mote they are likely to do the opposite. Ime, for me and watching other people in the same situation.

Jjjjigoo · 02/08/2018 09:39

By all means mention the exercise programme - but that's all, mention then drop the subject.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2018 09:45

He's an adult who presumably has no significant learning or development issues , you shouldn't be contemplating controlling him at all.

Offer to go with him to get medical help.
Don't be complicit in his poor lifestyle choices.
If you dislike him so much then you have to decide of the relationship has a furore of he makes no changes
If it doesn't, be open about that

slowrun · 02/08/2018 09:48

But Jjjjgoo, are the cravings really that bad if your appetite is actually satisfied? Could you actually just eat a small amount of fairly rich chocolate with coffee (like one chocolate box chocolate) after your meal and then move your focus to doing something which takes your full attention?

Think of situations where you wouldn't be eating and then replicate more of them in your leisure time.

Jjjjigoo · 02/08/2018 10:03

I've lost weight before and I'm sure I will get rid of most of this lot. BUT it had to be me wanting to do it. Pressure from another person would absolutely not work.

And no, it isn't as easy as "just having a smaller bit"
You need to be supportive and concerned without pressure. And pressure can be there without actually saying words. It's tricky and I can see why it would be frustrating for the partner. I've been that frustrated person with other friends and relatives. You can see their need to lose weight/need to eat more healthily, and you want the best for them. But you can't make someone do something. They have to want to do it themselves. Most people aren't stupid. They know and want the same thing as you. It just isn't easy to get there and get in the right mind set to actually do what they know they have to.

creddo · 02/08/2018 10:11

OP, you may have accidently 'hidden' the thread. Go to 'help' and there's a list of questions including 'how to unhide a thread'. It has a list of the ones you've hidden.

I may be wrong. Smile

slowrun · 02/08/2018 10:11

Jjjjgoo, I've lost weight before myself. It's just I find different types of food really affect my appetite differently. And I've still managed to put weight on again. Mainly by moving onto eating meals which include more carbs and drinking prosecco and champagne instead of dry rose wine when I drink. I drink the rose wine much more slowly! And some proseccos contain a significant amount of sugar. Yes, it certainly requires focus but once I get into the swing of things and the optimism choices become habit it is much easier. I find it most difficult when I don't have much control over the food and drink which is available. I don't like my diet choice to be inferior in any way!

RabbitsAreTasty · 02/08/2018 14:10

What's with the pile on to Jjjjgoo? She shared her personal experience that manipulation and pressure would backfire. I'd be the same.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/08/2018 15:40

I'm going to go out on a limb and give an example of when an ultimatum from my DH, rather than support and discussion, worked on me!

It's not weight-related, it was my MH. I have an anxiety disorder (now properly diagnosed) and used to work myself into real states sometimes. My DH has always been v. supportive and kind, but one day several years ago, I was getting anxious and he turned around and said "I can't take this anymore, Crazy, I just can't" That was all he said - but he meant that if I didn't do something about it, we were done.

I still remember it clearly. It was a huge shock to realise that my strong, supportive husband couldn't live with my problems anymore and I had to do something. So I made a doctor's appointment, got assessed and diagnosed, and have been managing the condition ever since. I still have bad times, but he knows I'm trying (and is supportive) and I'm much better overall.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but in my case, telling it to me straight shocked me into action. I don't consider it controlling- he gave me a choice - do something about it, or we're splitting up.

slowrun · 02/08/2018 16:01

No pile on, Rabbit. Just sharing my own experiences and attempting to detangle what would be considered 'pressure' and what might actually help.

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 03/08/2018 19:02

Thanks for sharing your experiences @everybody.
Dh is actually a bit pudgy, it really overweight but pudgy but he hates it a lot. He is really unhappy about it and while he eats a lot of junk food he hates people who eat a lot of junk food because he thinks they lack discipline. Dh often says he is fat and lazy and feels bad about himself. He isn‘t even lazy, works out a lot.
I made dh see a doctor because of constipation and it sometimes is really bad and the doctor said he needed to change his diet. He did and he has really lost some weight but then he started to eat junk food again and he also had to start antidepressant medication which made him crave junk food, sometimes he eats really healthful but sometimes not at all. He doesn‘t like healthy food that tastes like healthy food... but if you baby him a bit he eats it... if I, for example, cut fruits in little pieces for him like I do for the kids he always eats them... but I do feel like emasculating him a bit by babying him.
He likes cupcakes a lot as his comfort foods and sometimes I bake whole grain ones for him but sometimes I do not have the time and he buys them at the bakery.
I try to cook as healthful as possible and when we order food I nag a bit and try to make him order a salad in addition to what ever he wants to order... but often does not work.
I try to add veggies to his favourite foods like lasagna or goulash, make zoodles instead of noodles and so on.

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RabbitsAreTasty · 03/08/2018 23:08

Have you asked him if he would like you to help him to eat more healthily?

If so, and he said yes, have you asked him what he would find most helpful and most unhelpful from you?

Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 04/08/2018 06:47

Dh is struggling a bit with the feeling that he sucks big time and he spends/used to spend a lot of time telling me how much he sucks. Now that I write this I realize that this got mich better with antidepressant medication.
He says things like: “Look at me, I am fat and have no discipline, I suck as a leader at my job, I am short of hearing (difficult for him to cope because he feels it is for old people), everybody disrespects me, they told me I am mad (they told him he got ptsd), I am a disappointment for everybody in my family (actually they do not see him as a disappointment, they are very worried for him). I am lazy and useless“.

Then I told him I help him a bit and he told me he was not sure if he could be helped but we would try... and I helped him a bit with this and with other things... and I fear I often ended up babying him a bit... typically he seems to be happy to be babyied a bit... but sometimes than he suddenly starts acting very conscending, treats me af if I was a kid and have no idea or he barks orders at me like he wants to show me he is in charge. When I tried to discuss it with him that I felt he barks orders he felt very bad about himself and for him this was like I told him he sucked and nobody wants to be around him... but I did not say that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 04/08/2018 07:20

I forgot to add: I married a man who was slim and very proud of his body. He liked to wrestle with his brothers in jest, he liked to outcompete other guys.
He just had great selfesteem. He liked to flirt with me, you know, when we were already married, in a way that showed his selfconfidence. He does not do this anymore and I miss it a lot.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfusedWife1234 · 04/08/2018 19:46

Other examples of things I want to make him do: talk to his family members because he thinks he is a disappointment for them... which is not true.
Examples of things I make him do: go outside in his freetime (non crowded places) and he does enjoy it. He later tells me... but I have to baby him and make him do it.

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