Desperate for sex

[reefqueen]

So my DH and I haven't really had sex for years. He shows me no attention or affection at all. He is not interested in sex or even a kiss with me. But I am the same as I think over the years we have just grown apart and don't find each other attractive any more.

The thing is I am 35 now and for the first time in years I seem to have a sex drive. I have lost some weight recently, I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I keep craving sex- but not with my DH. I fantasise about other people and am desperate for some passion and sexual chemistry with someone.

I don't know what to do really as I am naturally very shy and not exactly beautiful although I get some attention. How do I kill my sex drive?!

Why on earth do you want to kill your sex drive? I’d kill your relationship instead! Believe it or not, OP, the world is full of men who are as keen to have sex as you are.
Why stay with a man who gives you no affection, let alone sex? What is your marriage actually for?

That sounds like me 10 years ago. I ended up having an affair and leaving my H.

A sexless marriage is not a happy one.

I am in my marriage still because I made a commitment, I'm in it for the kids and the lifestyle. And everything was ticking along nicely until I got a sex drive!! Argh!

Does your husband know things have changed from your side?

100% what babdock said.

I'm single and can relate to the way you're feeling. It's a shit feeling. You end up hating yourself for being human and having a sex drive. Which is what you sound like in your post.

What would he say to an open relationship? If he says no you will know that he doesn't care about you or your needs.

Tell him how you feel.

You are only 35!!! If you don't want to leave him then get yourself on Lovehoney and stock up on some toys.

No he doesn't know how I feel but I don't feel comfortable speaking to him about it to be honest. We have gone round in circles with relationship stuff in the past and always come back to this.

I would actually consider an open relationship not sure DH would though. And even if he did I don't know how I would meet people who are ok with that.

Op, I think you've got to be able to talk to your partner, be open and honest, else what's the point.

I didn’t have sex with my exh for the last four years of our marriage. I left him for that and lots of other reasons! No sex I found was soul destroying. I now have a fiancé and have sex very regularly. You should not have to kill your sex drive and you say he gives you no affection of any kind. I would certainly finish this relationship!

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage for the kids. I left exh after struggling in an unhappy marriage for the kids.

Now we are apart, after the initial shit bit, we are all happier.

You want to stay for the lifestyle....That's fine. But you can't have it all, not in this marriage.

Finding a fuck buddie is fairly easy. For anyone. I found one on badoo he was happy to come round, we would have sex....he would go home. He didn't care if I was married, single etc.

I tried FWB, but ended up with this turning into a relationship that I am still in.

I am only suggesting a fuck buddie if you speak to dh first and agree to have an open marriage. Don't do this behind his back.

Meeting men for NSA sex is easy. I don't think you'll have much trouble in that area.

How is meeting men for NSA easy? Maybe I am naive but how? I don't want to find someone online but would rather meet someone in real life and have a physical attraction to them and them to me... how?

But there is no affection or attention either? Thats the bit that would finally destroy me.

I think it's perfectly possible to live without sex, think of it as unhealthy food and being on a diet. Your marriage is worth so much more than sex.
I don't understand the people saying you're young, you need toys, find a fwb etc. Sex is just something we can do without, don't degrade yourself by seeking it outside your marriage. Leave and then focus on that, but to me it is a very minor reason to leave someone. I don't understand the obsession with sex or the way people make it the number one thing in their lives tbh. I think if you ignore this it'll eventually go away.

As I said, I met mine on badoo. We met up a few times so I felt more comfortable, first. Not date situations but friends situations.

We didn't even talk during the time between seeing eachother. When he contacted me last time I replied that I had met someone and was going to give the relationship a go. He wished me luck. That was it.

My FWB was someone I knew for a while. We ended up sleeping together, but neither of us wanted commitment at the time. But there was a connection, that I didn't have with the fuck buddie. And that developed into a relationship.

Lol @niketrainers that's the funniest thing I've read on here... I'm going to pretend you're joking....

You think if you ignore the sexual urges they will disappear? Like if you don't eat and ignore the hinger pangs they will eventually just.... disappear? And you'll never feel hungry again?

Of course they will! Just as hunger reduces when you get used to eating less. So yeah...nd no im not joking. Society is obsessed by sex its a joke. All this 'gagging for it' is made acceptable by shit like dating websites and cosmo mags. Years ago women werent going having fuck buddies.

I think you should try and improve your relationship together by talking to him seriously about it and making sure he knows how important this is to you; if necessary tell him that an unhealthy sex life is a deal breaker if you don't both try hard to resolve it. You two haven't actually tried to improve it yet so I don't think giving up should be an option at this stage.

P.s. this is nothing to do with you OP but it's quite appalling to see the difference in responses when a man posts the same thing; when a woman posts, she's told to LTB and it's all the husband's fault, but when a man posts the wife always has PND and he's not doing enough around the house

I do think Nike has a point though, the endless obsession with it gives the idea that we should all be permanently ‘up for it’ and whilst some are, some are not , if you are bothered a lot OP though and it’s not happening and you value your marriage, it’s your decision what to do, not anyone else’s

100% what @Tacobaker said.

I’m actually somewhat taken aback that it took till their post for someone to say talk! Seriously, if you were tearing each other’s clothes off once it might’ve possible you will again. Love doesn’t just switch off. More often it ebbs and flows. The trouble with leaving every time it ebbs is that it always will whoever you’re with and this you’ll always have to keep chopping and changing. And the trouble with a life of serial monogamy is it leaves a trail of devastation in its wake.

You say you’re sex drive’s come out of nowhere. How about considering the same may occur for him? Maybe he needs a chance? Maybe if he got fit too? At the very least what you owe is not commitment for the sake of commitment but commitment on working together till you’ve exhausted every possibility. You don’t give up until you’ve at least tried.

Also bear in mind: your words are the exact same words of every middle-aged man who jacked his wife in for a younger model in the past. Those men who we now mock as a midlife crisis cliche. Who are demonised and called selfish. That’s not to tar you with that brush. But the parallel should be noted...

Not a chance in hell would I live without sex. I’d leave.

Ok this thread's gone weird.

But basically OP you're articulating the problem that a huge number of people feel after a couple of decades and a few kids.

There's no easy answer. A lot of people like with the frustration because they see it as the least worst option. Another lot end the relationship but then have to deal with the crap of managing a broken family (and broken is exactly what my family feels like), as my xh took route B.

It's not pretty either way. Monogamy is often hard. I hope you find a way through.