Desperate for sex

[reefqueen]

So my DH and I haven't really had sex for years. He shows me no attention or affection at all. He is not interested in sex or even a kiss with me. But I am the same as I think over the years we have just grown apart and don't find each other attractive any more.

The thing is I am 35 now and for the first time in years I seem to have a sex drive. I have lost some weight recently, I don't know if that has anything to do with it but I keep craving sex- but not with my DH. I fantasise about other people and am desperate for some passion and sexual chemistry with someone.

I don't know what to do really as I am naturally very shy and not exactly beautiful although I get some attention. How do I kill my sex drive?!

I meant 'live with the frustration'

I don't think I could handle not having sex as a part of my relationship. Not just for the pleasure factor but for the physical intimacy between me and my DP. The fact that you aren't getting any other form of affection from your DH would be soul destroying for me. It sounds more like your friends who happen to share a house and kids than a romantic bond.
I think that you should talk to your DH and see if this is something that can be changed before you go out looking for a casual shag or FWB.
You said that you're not comfortable talking to your DH about this which is quite concerning, you should be able to talk about pretty much everything with the person you've chosen to spend your life with and have DC's with. Would he be open to counselling? Sex therapy? He needs to know how you feel about this and how the lack of sex (and I expect physical intimacy) is effecting you. If you don't tell him he will never know and this could cause resentment to build from you towards him.
I hope you manage to work something out reefqueen, you're only 35 and despite what Nike has spouted in their posts there is nothing wrong with having a healthy sex drive and the urge to get jiggy with it (which is a very normal human felling not something that's happening to you because you read cosmo or because society tells you to feel it) and you shouldn't be forcing yourself to kerb your urges and treat it like your on a diet how ridiculous (it's called your dirty 30's for a reason you know ).

OP you need to talk to your husband. Really talk. Even if it embarrasses you. By the sound of it your husband isn't high libido or naturally physically affectionate. But maybe early on he sensed you weren't interested in sex and rather than bother you he shut down? I'm not sure if its possible to revive your sex life with him after this time, but its probably worth trying.

Despite what everyone says on here, I've never found it easy to get a reliable FWB or fuck buddy. Although I am about 10 years older than OP.
I've just found that blokes are really flaky. They just don't turn up when they say they will, or are too impatient to meet you somewhere in public first.
Easy sex outside a relationship isn't always possible even for women.

I agree with Missillusioned - it isn’t that easy to find a good, reliable casual sex partner. The main problem I’ve had is the lack of respect: men only messaging me when they’re drunk, trying to meet me at 11pm, making outrageous demands for various favours, asking to borrow money, trying to make me do sexual acts they’ve seen in porn that I don’t want to do, etc. On more than one occasion I’ve had to dump them and suggest a prostitute would be better suited to their needs.

@SonataDentata. Yes, it's the lack of respect. As soon as they hear that you would like sex without a relationship a lot of men will try and treat you like a prostitute.

They won't wait for you to get comfortable with them, they want to go straight to sex on first meeting. They want you to agree to this before you've even met them.

They will message drunk in the early hours asking you to drive to theirs.

They will pester for sexual acts you aren't comfortable with.

They arrange to see you, then don't turn up, probably because they got a better opportunity in the meantime.

I do get rid of all such men, but this does mean I only have sex very infrequently, with dry spells of months at a time.

It’s so frustrating, I agree (in both senses!). I also go for months at a time without sex due to these sorts of issues. It seems crazy because I don’t feel like we’re asking for a lot in terms of basic respect for another human being.

I've been there reef, it doesn't last forever but is pretty intense while it does. You have my sympathy.

@SonataDentata and inevitably when you do finally meet someone who behaves normally, you often discover the sex is not great! Zero foreplay, jack hammering, erectile dysfunction. ( Not all the same bloke thankfully, but you get the picture) 😂

Yep! Isn’t that just typical?!

Anyway apologies for a bit of derailment. What I'm saying is that leaving her marriage may give the OP a good sex life, but also it may not. So she's got to be OK with either senario or think it's worth the risk.

You think if you ignore the sexual urges they will disappear?

Well yes, they can disappear. Nobody needs sex. We can all go without and nothing bad will happen.

OP, I thi k you want the affection more than the sex. Try to get your DH to be a bit more affectionate towards you.

I'm pretty sure people enjoyed sex even when society told them not to because it was dirty, and before cosmo was ever published. Have you not heard of women being treated for female hysteria?

Have you spoken to your husband yet op? You need a plan of action, or you'll be on your deathbed in your 90's wishing you had more sex.

Those of you who have had fuck buddies and are complaining about the lack of respect shown to you by these men- what on earth do you expect?! They are using you for sex just as much as you are using them, so if you’re blaitantly putting yourself out, expect to be treated like a prostitute. As much as you hate to admit it, men just see you as slags, and you will be treated as such.

@Helmlover

Enjoying a sexual relationship without a relationship with someone - FWB, no strings, etc. - has nothing to do with prostitution.
And all to do with being consenting adults engaging in a mutually pleasurable activity.

Not everybody needs love and candles to have sex.

Treating a sexual partner with basic respect is just a normal human behaviour. And not doing that is just a reflection on the person.

Slags, ‘putting yourself out there’, prostitution - what is this, Middle Ages where women weren’t allowed to have sexuality?

men just see you as slags, and you will be treated as such

Not just men it seems.

@reefqueen and @sonatadentata - its just as difficult to meet women that are looking for a reliable sex partner, and who don’t view all men as always wanting sex on demand or in a way that is demeaning to women.
I posted a while back about how MN is the perfect setting to meet others going through similar experiences and resolving the problem and was flamed for it!

men just see you as slags, and you will be treated as such

Sadly, I think this is true of a lot of men. I would like a relationship but it just isn't happening and I have resigned myself to going without sex because of these attitudes and the accompanying behaviour from men.

I left my marriage for this very reason. I loved our family unit, our lifestyle, he was a decent man but once I'd lost the post baby weight and started to gain some self confidence back I realised I really wasn't with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
All affection had gone, he never wanted to do anything with me, sex was infrequent and not even any good when we did it
Best thing I've ever done.

"men just see you as slags, and you will be treated as such"

I suppose some men will. Just as it seems by the evidence of this post so will some women.

Men and women are not homogenous blobs we don't all "think the same". Very unfair of people to judge her who are not in her situation.

OP is only 35 which is still young. I'm sure that (to be blunt - but this is a blunt thread) if she's attractive she'll have no trouble finding someone to satisfy her needs.

I agree with the posters who say It would be well worth putting the effort into trying to turn things around with your dh. Press the restart button. I agree that couples counselling could be well worth it (anything is cheaper than divorce). It would surely be the best possible outcome if you could have sex with your husband. Other ideas can wait a little.

In the meantime, exercise. It's the best sublimation of sexual frustration I know. Unfortunately it doesn't solve it for long, but it does help.

I have found a lover (I'm a widow btw) but it's early days so no idea whether it will last on the very occasional schedule we plan, or whether it will turn out to be disastrous. The idea that nobody wanted illicit sex in the past is utterly laughable. Try reading a few history books.

So many women seem to stay in shit relationships for the “lifestyle”. Bizarre.

I suspect there are literally millions of men and women who are in the same situation as the OP.