Please help!! I was moody with my fiance and he finished the relationship and now I can't forgive myself!

[SugarBabe18]

Hi All

I was engaged to the one I loved, but I was sometimes moody whilst I was in the relationship. He then ended it and now I cannot stop blaming myself.

Please hear me out first with the reasons why I was moody............

We got engaged even though he was still married to his wife who was in another relationship with a man who she had been having an affair with behind my fiance's back. They had a daughter together. Although we were engaged, he was showing no signs of getting a divorce from his wife. Whenever I brought up the subject, he just used to shrug it off by saying that 'he couldn't get a divorce as his wife would fleece him'. He used to work shifts, but always had his daughter during his free weekends. He always put his wife first and and his daughter, and then it was me. Whilst I totally understood that he should see his daughter and spend time with her during weekends evenings etc., I felt left out and insecure because I felt that I 'just had to slot in with his life', with no consideration to what I wanted, needed or even consulting me. Even when we took his daughter on holiday, his wife demanding seeing her for the day on the Wednesday, so my fiance left me and took his daughter all the way back to where they lived so she could see her daughter.

I also had to put up with my fiance being very insecure and jealous. He didn't want me to speak to other men, and I couldn't even mention an ex boyfriend without him telling me 'to stop talking about him because it made him feel sick to think of me with him'. I landed myself a good job which involved travelling with my boss, and all he said was 'what is that going to do to our relationship'? He didn't want me to go out and he wouldn't even let me buy things without him asking 'why do you want that' or not even letting me have something I wanted in the house like a blind put up at the front door window.

Before all of this started, when we were looking to buy a house together, he told me that I had to live where he wanted to live or we didn't live anywhere. We needed to live near his wife, daughter and his mum, dad and brothers and he told me I had got to break free from my mum's apron strings. We were looking at choosing a new kitchen and I had my heart set on a particular kitchen and his answer was 'my mum doesn't like that kitchen, she wants us to have a different type'.

If I was late home from work (and my fiance was working himself), I would get a call from him asking 'where have you been?' and I'd ask him 'what do you mean?' and he would answer 'you've just arrived home and I know you have because I have my spies'.

On a Saturday, all I wanted to do was to go out shopping into town and have some 'me' time which I had always been used to. If he didn't have his daughter that weekend and I said I was going out, he used to pull a face and tell me that I didn't love him. He made me feel guilty whenever I wasn't doing anything with him.

One day when we went shopping for Christmas presents, he just focused the whole time on what he had to buy for his mum, dad, brothers and daughter. He never once mentioned my family. I then became in a mood and he said 'he was sick of me', but when I retaliated for the first time by telling him I was upset that my family had never come into the equations, he just started crying which made me feel guilty.

It all ended at Christmas that year. I had just had an operation on my foot and it was his mum's 60th birthday party. I was on a lot of pain killers and I really didn't feel up to going. However, I got myself ready and we went. I had a few drinks which wasn't a good idea whilst I was on medication. His aunty asked me 'when are you two getting married then?'. I answered by saying 'how can we get married when he is still married to his wife'? She was horrified and told me that I should make him get a divorce. Well, that just pushed me over the edge and I got up and left the party and went home to bed.

A few hours later, my fiance came back and barged into the bedroom having a go at me saying that 'his brothers have told him to get rid of me, and he has a good mind to do so'.

The next morning I apologised and I thought we had made it up.

On Christmas Eve, my fiance said he would let me spend it at my mum's house as he was on nights. On Christmas morning, he came round to have breakfast with me and my mum. All the time he was there, he didn't make any effort and we could tell that he wanted to get away. He never took my mum a present, flowers or anything for Christmas. Then, as soon as we headed over to his mum and dads, he was all happy and cheerful. I made an effort (like I always did) by taking his mum some flowers and his dad some wine. So, we spent all day at his mum and dads house and he was happy as anything. Then on Boxing Day, he wanted me to go round to his mum and dad's house again as he was taking his daughter with him so as she could open her presents with his mum and dad. My brother had been on his own all over Christmas, and I really didn't want to spend another full day with his mum and dad after I'd just been with them the day before, so I said that I was going round to spend Boxing Day with my brother. He pulled a face as usual but I was adamant I wanted to see my brother. Anyway, that was it. When I returned, he told me that he wanted to buy me out the property and I never saw him again after that. His last words to me were 'you're going to end up sad and alone with no one to love you' and 'even your own dad doesn't want you'. (My mum and dad split when I was about 14 years old and my dad has never wanted anything to do with me).

He got solicitors onto me and was forcing me to get out of the house. This solicitors letters lasted about 2 years and he even sent me letter saying that he was going to come round with his dad to take out all the furniture. So basically, he wanted me to live in the house with no furniture.

He moved in with another woman no long after he had left me in the house. and I found out that they got married at the venue I wanted to get married at. That hurt real bad. The way he was with me i.e. he couldn't let me out of his sight and him always telling me he loved me and if I ever did anything to hurt him his dad would 'break my legs'. I took that as he loved me so much.

Anyway, all I want to know is if it was natural for me to be moody with him and how we were living? Was I wrong to be moody? I blame myself wishing that I had tried harder to be happy and make him happy.

I hold my hands up, I wasn't a saint, but he made me feel guilty for things I used to do. I even said to him one day 'I'm going to get some new shower cleaner as the one you have bought is rubbish' and he answered 'I don't like your attitude'. He has made me question myself, because I don't know how I should have acted and I don't know who I am anymore.

I hold my hands up that I was moody towards him, but I just need to know if anyone else would have been moody whilst living how I was living?

Thank you!

Op it sounds like that is what you are struggling with the most; being unfairly branded as the "nutter" by his friends and family.

I struggled too and two years later still get pangs of annoyance about it.

I read the book "How to beat the Narcissist." It's a book written by a Narcissist and gives a real insight into their thinking. It also says about how they will have their followers who think they are normal and any attempt to convince these people that the Narcissist is manipulative and unhinged will just be met with you looking like a deranged nutter trying to turn his friends and family against him.

Remember he would have been cleverly feeding selective information about you to them over time (how you "went off on one again," "how you spoke to him," etc) even though those things were most likely in response to his actions. So he's slowly built the foundations to his loved ones that you are slightly unhinged but he "puts up" with it. So when it's time to break up and you try and convince his loved ones that he is the Narcissist they will look at you like a nutter because you are "trying to blame" this "lovely " guy and he was right all along about you. Doing that also helps with his story about you to his new love interest where you will be branded a "crazy ex" which is then backed up by his family and friends.

They are so bloody clever at it and It's maddening!!

You do have to find all your strength to learn this information, process it, come to terms with the fact you've been had and try to put it behind you which is easier said than done.

I suggest reading the books. I suggest trying to focus on a job and making new friends and colleagues. Sometimes dating casually also helps the moving on process so your ex isn't your "last."

OP I haven't even read your entire post and I'm thinking you've dodged a bullet. He's an arsehole!

Off to read the rest..

Thanks for that - you make total sense! x

I would just like to add that I was suffering from an eating disorder at the time, and I blame myself for that too. But, I'd been suffering from this from my early 20s. I do know that he used to go round to his mum's house and cry to her about this. So, yes, I bet they have branded me 'the ex nutter'. I didn't choose to suffer from the eating disorder, and I would give anything to go back in time and apologise to him.

Op, ok, this isn't right. This man abused you and uou wish to apologise to him? You wish you'd tried harder to make him happier? Years later? It's still eating away at you?

It sounds like you're still pining after him. That you want to be with him. Even though he abused you and is now another woman's husband.

Your thought process isn't right, you really need to seek help for your sake to move on from this.💐

Wow first of all some people are so rude! If you have a life to live don’t reply at all! Jesus! Your just explaining yourself!! Everything happens for a reason, you are meant to meet someone that doesn’t make you feel the way you felt with him! I’m so happy you spent the time with your brother as why should you do everything he wants, you compromise! It’s a difficult situation but no matter what the right thing has happened! Don’t look back just think lucky escape he’s someone else’s problem now!

Thank you so much and thank you for taking the time out to respond to me - means a lot.

The real question is why is your self esteem so low that you confuse abuse for love? Find the answer to that question, work on it, and you open yourself up to a much healthier, happier, loving relationship.

He was controlling and has offered you your escape route, take it and run.

Next time try not getting involved with someone with so much baggage.

OP, I was like you a number of years ago. In fact from time to time I do still think back to my relationship at the time, the way it ended (horribly). Sometimes I see my ex out and about and wonder whether he has ever regretted his treatment of me I doubt it He was horrible. Even reading your post sent chills down my spine as it sounds all so familiar to me. I did everything to make him happy, I became isolated, afraid to see my friends both male and female for fear of the backlash.

I completely understand where you are coming from. When you feel you've been wronged and you've had your confidence so badly chipped away at you question everything trying to find the elusive answer - what could I have done to make things turn out differently??

The answer is nothing. There is nothing you could have done to alter the way things have turned out. Here's why: It's because the issues in your relationship were coming from HIM! It took me a long time to find my backbone and realise that with my ex. It didnt help that even after we broke up he was still texting me every day. Wish I'd have told him to F OFF but I was still in love at the time.

Try to give yourself some closure. This is something that may still niggle you, because the whole thing was one-sided and unfair. So try to put it to bed. Read the books suggested by PP about narcissists, and try to understand they will never recognize the role they played in the relationship, nor would the care even if they did! Be kind to yourself - if posting on here helps keep posting away

You've had a chance to get away from this guy who is clearly abusive...at least you will know for next time if you see similar patterns.... trying to control what you do and where you go..making you feel guilty to even spend time with your own family members..saying unkind things to you..these things are not normal..so glad you got away..he's horrible

The more you say the worse he sounds.

I think you had a lucky escape. Yes it hurts, but imagine spending the rest of your life on eggshells and being told what you can and can't do 😱

I just can't forgive myself for being moody. I wish I had just tried a bit harder to make him happy

I'm going to be blunt here. Don't be ridiculous.

He is a complete and utter tosspot. I could not have been with him for 5 minutes. He has no redeeming qualities. He wants everything his way. He was vile to you.

What do you need to apologise for? You had an eating disorder, and he did nothing to help except call you names.

Why would you want to sit with his parents every Saturday?

You are not a doormat to have him wipe his feet on. You are a person in your own right and pining for this waste of space man is just beyond comprehension.

You come across as very submissive and desperate to please people and be nice, OP.

Please, please hear what the posters on here are saying to you - IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR, STOP BLAMING YOURSELF.

Shut the door on thinking about this relationship, stop torturing yourself with 'what ifs' and second guesses, it's done, you got out and were spared a lifetime of abject misery and uncertainty.

I would understand how you're feeling if you'd only just been dumped by this man. But it was some years ago from what you're saying. You really need to stop torturing yourself. He was a nasty piece of work and you really can do so much better.

Op, have you dated since him?

The sad truth is, the best thing he did for you was leaving. He was an insecure, manipulative, abusive twat and you his emotional punching bag. The only way you could have made this man happy was to be completely miserable.

The relationship was unhealthy and toxic and ‘moodiness’ was a normal reaction to coping with your Ex’s twattery. However, the fact that you’re still ruminating over this so long after the break up, suggests that you have some considerable work to do on yourself.

The wrong question is ‘why did I let my moodiness push him away?’, the right question is ‘why did I prioritise a selfish and controlling man’?

There is nothing to forgive yourself for. He sounds like an abusive wanker and you are far better off without him. If this was several years ago and you are still fixating on it, you need to get some counselling to move on. He is not worth another second of your time and regret.

Is this a reverse? You wrote an extremely long list of his hideous and abusive behaviour, then ask if you were right to be moody and saying you wish you tried harder to make him happy. That's total madness. You are well shot of the bastard.

Hang on... This was a few years ago? You need professional help love. See your GP and ask to be referred for counselling.

Oh my, you deserve so much better than that bully. Please work on your self esteem because you appear to have very little. Why do you feel it was your job to make him happy but expected so little in return from him? You deserve to be happy too you know. I think your guilty feelings for this selfish man may be tied up with abandonment issues around your father. It's common for a child to feel guilt and low self esteem when a parent rejects them, when in reality it is never the child's fault. It could be you are transferring those feelings onto yet another man who walked out on you. You want forgiveness for not being a good enough daughter/partner because if you were good enough your father/partner would not have rejected you. I would suggest some emotional therapeutic counselling to help you address these issues, and please do not allow anyone to treat you like that again.

Nope - he was a controlling, selfish bastard and you are lucky he dumped you. Count your blessings; you would have had a terrible life with him. Stop thinking about him- if your mind drifts towards him make yourself do something else to keep you active. There is a quote I always think of if I start mulling over things I can't change:
'What's past help should be past grief'.
Stop wasting even a second of your life on him.

SugarBabe, I am SO glad you didn’t ‘try harder’ to make him happy, you would have ended up with nothing of yourself.

He was emotional abusuve. Tracking your movements, jealousy, separating you from your friends and family.

Google The Freedom Programme. Check lists of what constitutes emotional abuse on the Women’s Aid website.

I am worried that you are still chewing this over and blaming yourself 2 years later. Are you depressed or suffering anxiety?

You deserve a lot better than this cruel man, and you need to see yourself as a valuable person who does deserve better. Invest in yourself, seek counselling!

It comes across like you're lonely, or wishing you were married, and wondering whether he was your "chance" and you blew it.

You didn't blow it - you dodged a bullet. Admittedly by luck rather than good judgement, but at least you're not married to that awful man.

Agree with everyone else suggesting therapy to work on your self esteem.