Hi All
I was engaged to the one I loved, but I was sometimes moody whilst I was in the relationship. He then ended it and now I cannot stop blaming myself.
Please hear me out first with the reasons why I was moody............
We got engaged even though he was still married to his wife who was in another relationship with a man who she had been having an affair with behind my fiance's back. They had a daughter together. Although we were engaged, he was showing no signs of getting a divorce from his wife. Whenever I brought up the subject, he just used to shrug it off by saying that 'he couldn't get a divorce as his wife would fleece him'. He used to work shifts, but always had his daughter during his free weekends. He always put his wife first and and his daughter, and then it was me. Whilst I totally understood that he should see his daughter and spend time with her during weekends evenings etc., I felt left out and insecure because I felt that I 'just had to slot in with his life', with no consideration to what I wanted, needed or even consulting me. Even when we took his daughter on holiday, his wife demanding seeing her for the day on the Wednesday, so my fiance left me and took his daughter all the way back to where they lived so she could see her daughter.
I also had to put up with my fiance being very insecure and jealous. He didn't want me to speak to other men, and I couldn't even mention an ex boyfriend without him telling me 'to stop talking about him because it made him feel sick to think of me with him'. I landed myself a good job which involved travelling with my boss, and all he said was 'what is that going to do to our relationship'? He didn't want me to go out and he wouldn't even let me buy things without him asking 'why do you want that' or not even letting me have something I wanted in the house like a blind put up at the front door window.
Before all of this started, when we were looking to buy a house together, he told me that I had to live where he wanted to live or we didn't live anywhere. We needed to live near his wife, daughter and his mum, dad and brothers and he told me I had got to break free from my mum's apron strings. We were looking at choosing a new kitchen and I had my heart set on a particular kitchen and his answer was 'my mum doesn't like that kitchen, she wants us to have a different type'.
If I was late home from work (and my fiance was working himself), I would get a call from him asking 'where have you been?' and I'd ask him 'what do you mean?' and he would answer 'you've just arrived home and I know you have because I have my spies'.
On a Saturday, all I wanted to do was to go out shopping into town and have some 'me' time which I had always been used to. If he didn't have his daughter that weekend and I said I was going out, he used to pull a face and tell me that I didn't love him. He made me feel guilty whenever I wasn't doing anything with him.
One day when we went shopping for Christmas presents, he just focused the whole time on what he had to buy for his mum, dad, brothers and daughter. He never once mentioned my family. I then became in a mood and he said 'he was sick of me', but when I retaliated for the first time by telling him I was upset that my family had never come into the equations, he just started crying which made me feel guilty.
It all ended at Christmas that year. I had just had an operation on my foot and it was his mum's 60th birthday party. I was on a lot of pain killers and I really didn't feel up to going. However, I got myself ready and we went. I had a few drinks which wasn't a good idea whilst I was on medication. His aunty asked me 'when are you two getting married then?'. I answered by saying 'how can we get married when he is still married to his wife'? She was horrified and told me that I should make him get a divorce. Well, that just pushed me over the edge and I got up and left the party and went home to bed.
A few hours later, my fiance came back and barged into the bedroom having a go at me saying that 'his brothers have told him to get rid of me, and he has a good mind to do so'.
The next morning I apologised and I thought we had made it up.
On Christmas Eve, my fiance said he would let me spend it at my mum's house as he was on nights. On Christmas morning, he came round to have breakfast with me and my mum. All the time he was there, he didn't make any effort and we could tell that he wanted to get away. He never took my mum a present, flowers or anything for Christmas. Then, as soon as we headed over to his mum and dads, he was all happy and cheerful. I made an effort (like I always did) by taking his mum some flowers and his dad some wine. So, we spent all day at his mum and dads house and he was happy as anything. Then on Boxing Day, he wanted me to go round to his mum and dad's house again as he was taking his daughter with him so as she could open her presents with his mum and dad. My brother had been on his own all over Christmas, and I really didn't want to spend another full day with his mum and dad after I'd just been with them the day before, so I said that I was going round to spend Boxing Day with my brother. He pulled a face as usual but I was adamant I wanted to see my brother. Anyway, that was it. When I returned, he told me that he wanted to buy me out the property and I never saw him again after that. His last words to me were 'you're going to end up sad and alone with no one to love you' and 'even your own dad doesn't want you'. (My mum and dad split when I was about 14 years old and my dad has never wanted anything to do with me).
He got solicitors onto me and was forcing me to get out of the house. This solicitors letters lasted about 2 years and he even sent me letter saying that he was going to come round with his dad to take out all the furniture. So basically, he wanted me to live in the house with no furniture.
He moved in with another woman no long after he had left me in the house. and I found out that they got married at the venue I wanted to get married at. That hurt real bad. The way he was with me i.e. he couldn't let me out of his sight and him always telling me he loved me and if I ever did anything to hurt him his dad would 'break my legs'. I took that as he loved me so much.
Anyway, all I want to know is if it was natural for me to be moody with him and how we were living? Was I wrong to be moody? I blame myself wishing that I had tried harder to be happy and make him happy.
I hold my hands up, I wasn't a saint, but he made me feel guilty for things I used to do. I even said to him one day 'I'm going to get some new shower cleaner as the one you have bought is rubbish' and he answered 'I don't like your attitude'. He has made me question myself, because I don't know how I should have acted and I don't know who I am anymore.
I hold my hands up that I was moody towards him, but I just need to know if anyone else would have been moody whilst living how I was living?
Thank you!