DH Mid Life Crisis

[VivaVegas]

Background married 18 years, together 21, DC age 10. DH is 48.
last year DH suffered terrible depression. At the time before he broke down I thought he was fed up with me/us as a family as he was very miserable, withdrawn and disinterested. When he broke down I asked him if it was us and he said absolutely not he just felt so low and needed help. GP was very supportive, he refused counselling went on antidepressants and we went on to have a lovely summer as a family. DH after a while didn't like the side effects of the antidepressants (felt no emotion/lack of sex drive mainly) so just took himself off them towards the end of the year. Refused to consult the doctor about doing this or trying a different dose etc despite me asking him to do so, response was 'I can do what I want' and wouldn't even discuss.
Since then things deteriorated over the next few months and his behaviour was as before so I thought he had depression again (as did several family members who mentioned it to me). Two months ago I asked him what was wrong and he just says 'I've been thinking about if we should split up'. Says things haven't been right for years, I was the cause of his depression (even though he told family it was job related and told me it definitely wasn't us at the time and he was in no fit state to be making stuff up). He hates the person he has become and that is also down to me, does not have a positive thing to say about me or our marriage and when I try to talk about good stuff just claims he doesn't remember/had forgotten or was ' high on antidepressants.
We have been to counselling together and he feels he needs personal counselling to deal with his own issues that he has now identified.
We have discussed the things he is not happy about but he refuses to make any changes to try and put them right so we are just in this loop of negativity. I asked him to see the GP as I still felt maybe he had mild depression but she has told him she doesn't think he is depressed (or so he tells me).
3 weeks ago he wanted a trial separation to give him some space so I reluctantly agreed and told him to start looking for somewhere but that it would then draw the DC into things and that he needed to sort it all out as I wanted nothing to do with it and that whilst it was his choice to do it there was a risk that I might decide actually I was ok without him and might not want him back. A week later he said he was feeling much more positive about trying to sort things, didn't want to be apart from the DC and I and felt he should stay and start counselling.
However he is going back to not wanting to discuss things, being very negative and tetchy if I say anything he disagrees with and about other people.
I've read the mid life crisis script which he seems to be working through, I showed him this, he said it was rubbish, his older brother then also told him he is having a mlc but he still can't see it.
My patience is running out, I can't sleep or eat properly, I'm struggling to do my job properly and have started to dislike him for what he is doing.
He says his head is a mess, he is under pressure (from his family and me) but he has to do what's right for him and put himself first for once.
He says he has a great life but just isn't happy.
Anyone have any experience of anything similar, what the hell do I do?

Firstly, I would be wondering if he is having an affair because he is using the standard script like a pro. Secondly, and regardless of he's having an affair or not, I would call his bluff. Tell him to leave NOW. If you're so awful and he's so miserable, he should be thrilled to leave. He has no right to make your life so horrible. You desperately need distance from him so you can think clearly.

I couldn't live in this limbo, with everyone seemingly tip toeing around him until he decides what to do. I'd take the initiative and say, ship out, get yourself sorted, then I will decide if I want you back.

What form does this depression take? Is he still pulling his weight at home and work? Is he socialising? Are you socialising?

Hi, my first MN post, long time lurker and the OP could pretty much have be written by me! Similar length of relationship, age etc, background of depression originally blamed on work but now not sure if it's that or disillusionment with his life. Nearly 50 but seems to want to be single and in his 20s. The hard bit is knowing how much of his complaints about our life are the depression talking.

I have now got to the point where I can't stand us both being miserable and going round in circles. Taking control and being proactive is helping me at the moment.

We've talked about a trial separation and because I don't want to be waiting and wondering whether he'll find somewhere to stay have strung together some arrangements for me and DD so he'll be on his own for a week. I'll see how it goes and take it from there. However i suspect he'll miss us like mad, make an effort for a while then it'll turn full circle.

With that in mind I've looked at what benefits I might be entitled to, had a look at my income v expenses, done a bit of research on options aound the house, ways of sharing custody and that sort of thing so if a permanent split happens I'm going into it slightly prepared.

Thanks for the replies and sorry to hear you are going through the same fitsndmiss.
He is adamant there is no one else and I did believe him but do have my doubts now mainly as he is always on his bloody phone and takes it everywhere with him. I need to confront him but we are on holiday at the moment and don't want a big row. The holiday had been booked for a year, I told him I was coming on my own with the DC and it was up to him what he did. That was when he decided he wouldn't move out and wanted to come away.
He is working, doesn't go out much apart from the odd cycle and to our local with a mate. Hence why I'm not sure there is an actual affair but maybe something online. He sleeps a lot is very negative about everything and doesn't have any real interests which I think is why he is feeling disillusioned with life.
I'm more sociable than him but don't go out lots, work full on and do lots of sport.
We haven't socialised together for months,we used to make an effort but he kept making excuses and now since the bombshell won't go out with me as says it would be too awkward and doesn't want a row. We are out on holiday obviously but agreed a truce for the sake of the kids while we are away when he decided to come.
I could afford our mortgage but couldn't afford to borrow any more to buy him out but I'll not budge from the house, he will need to go.
He seems to think I should feel sorry for the quandary he is in and need to be patient.
Feel so lost that the person I live and thought I'd dined the rest of my life with can be so cold towards me.

You can end the quandry for him.

I think I would tell him that you have made the decision for him, he needs to go. Tell him YOU aren’t prepared to remain with someone who thinks they can string you along like this and tell you that it’s YOUR fault he’s unhappy, then be undecided what he wants to do. Tell him his position on this has made your marriage untenable.

If you stay with him, you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I think I would tell him that you have made the decision for him, he needs to go. Tell him YOU aren’t prepared to remain with someone who thinks they can string you along like this and tell you that it’s YOUR fault he’s unhappy, then be undecided what he wants to do. Tell him his position on this has made your marriage untenable.

^ this

Phone constantly with doesn't sound good tbh. Don't let him mess you about. Get him to leave, it will drive you mad otherwise. FWIW my XH did something similar. He went OD, to look for a better wife. The wife he eventually found doesn't seem to be any better/thinner/less naggy than the one he had for 20 yrs, and had DD with. He now apparently spends as much time out of the house as he possibly can, waxes lyrical to DD about old times, and his step-children aren't keen on him, and have issues as a result. Karma is a bitch. I just feel sorry for the step-children. Anyway, he was determined at the time everything was my fault, him not being happy. It obviously wasn't, but its too late, as I've moved on. And actually, I'm happier.

He wouldn't tolerate this behaviour from you. Take control.

Another poster here that would be making the decision for him. Do this for yourself so you can live a positive life not be reliant on his mood for how good or bad a day you are going to have. Split. If he wants to come back in a couple of years and you are happy with that - great but for now get him gone.

My ex had a classic MLC. As soon as the blaming me started I got him gone. I knew I had been good to him and we had been through some crap together but his memory had become selective. He had an OW and she took a shine to our house. He tried to get me out but I wouldn't budge so he moved in with her and her husband (who rapidly saw what was going on and left and re-married) He is now on his own having gone through several girlfriends. I am so glad I didn't let him repeat how crap I was as a person. I only had to hear it once. Some of it lodges with you if you are not careful OP.

First post but been reading mumsnet for ages. Could have written this post myself. Husband completely changed and blamed me for his unhappiness. He left and seemed so happy to be free of me. Other woman appeared eventually. Completely messed with my head, no one can explain the change in someone you have known your whole adult life. The only way forward for your own sanity is no contact. I really feel for you. X

Its horrible at the time. But, as I said above, my XH had convinced himself I was the root of all evil. When someone has no intention of saving the relationship, then your hands are tied, sadly.

Hard, but agree with PP above. Make the decision for him. There are no guarantees as to what will happen, but at least you'll be in control of what happens to you...you won't be letting him choose for you.

DH was having an affair and couldn't 'decide' who to 'choose'. I chose for him...told him I was quite capable of deciding for myself and I'd be seeing a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. (This was following some excellent advice on here where I was basically told to find my self-respect - harsh but very needed).

In my case it brought him to his senses. It turned out he was having some kind of mental crisis, maybe midlife or a stress-related breakdown. I won't bore you with the details but he's slowly healing. Long way to go though.

Wish you luck OP, whatever happens.

I'm starting to wonder if you and I are the same person , just working on different timescales. My (D)H almost bailed on a family holiday earlier this year, the morning we were going. And he too is massively attached to his phone, spends loads of time in bed and has no real interest in doing much beyond going to the pub.

Sorry you're trying to deal with this at all, let alone when you should be having a good time. I reckon tread water until you're home then make a decision and start making changes. I feel massively relieved to have taken control at last having spent years having my feelings minimised.

Great that financially you're not reliant, realising I could afford to keep me and DD in our place made me feel much easier about pushing for him to shape up or ship out.

Where's the OP gone? :(

I am here! Different time zone and flaky WiFi!
I can't do anything while we are away but we had words last night as conversation is very difficult as stuff you'd normally talk about (future plans etc) aren't taking place, if I mention stuff from the past (holiday memories etc) again that you'd normally just talk about he says I am doing it to make him feel guilty. I think if we were at home I'd have told him to do one!
I really wish I could get into his phone to see what the hell he is doing on there, he always had the same passcode but changed it last year.

I'd love a look at DHs phone too but he's always been hot on securing all his devices so ain't gonna happen. In fairness mine are all protected too but to keep little un off them rather than hiding things. I'm at the point though where actually I think we've both checked out and finding out he's been up to no good wouldn't change the outcome, just upset me when actually right now I'm feeling quite rational about the whole thing.

Sounds horribly awkward, how much longer are you away for?

It is extremely common for men to blame their partners for their own misery/depression. I have seen it happen over and over. Things will only improve if he sorts himself out. I think you need to insist that he sees a therapist. This isn't something that you can medicate away. He has problems and he needs to resolve them.

Leave him to it OP . If he comes back and you want to try again then great but if not then so be it.

Good luck to you.

The way I saw it put somewhere is that while you're in front of him you're the enemy, therefore you need to give him space so he starts looking at himself instead.

He admits he has issues but is still trying to blame some of them on me and also I just don't buy the fact he's been unhappy for years, when I look back on things we'd not been great for a few months before I raised it with him which is a very small period of time given how long we've been together.

Feel so sad and too old to be starting over at nearly 50, feels like I'm being dumped now I'm Old.

It's in large part the way he is making you feel is the reason you need to take control OP and separate quickly. He doesn't give a shit how he's making you feel. He is not your friend and you need to get angry. It's a worn thin cliche but if there isn't an OW I think men often feel they have a chance with one and I think they are the ones that prevaricate. Men in general hate living alone and if you said you would separate but live together he would jump at the chance as he gets all the comforts of home but the chance to look around. If no-one came along he would 'fall back in love' ie settle for you. Who wants to live like that? Get angry. He is blaming you for his fundamental weaknesses.

He is indeed , blaming you for his weaknesses and indecision.
Give him an ultimatum with a time frame .
He is responsible for his future.

Take control lass. This is your one life and this is no way to live it.