DH Mid Life Crisis

[VivaVegas]

Background married 18 years, together 21, DC age 10. DH is 48.
last year DH suffered terrible depression. At the time before he broke down I thought he was fed up with me/us as a family as he was very miserable, withdrawn and disinterested. When he broke down I asked him if it was us and he said absolutely not he just felt so low and needed help. GP was very supportive, he refused counselling went on antidepressants and we went on to have a lovely summer as a family. DH after a while didn't like the side effects of the antidepressants (felt no emotion/lack of sex drive mainly) so just took himself off them towards the end of the year. Refused to consult the doctor about doing this or trying a different dose etc despite me asking him to do so, response was 'I can do what I want' and wouldn't even discuss.
Since then things deteriorated over the next few months and his behaviour was as before so I thought he had depression again (as did several family members who mentioned it to me). Two months ago I asked him what was wrong and he just says 'I've been thinking about if we should split up'. Says things haven't been right for years, I was the cause of his depression (even though he told family it was job related and told me it definitely wasn't us at the time and he was in no fit state to be making stuff up). He hates the person he has become and that is also down to me, does not have a positive thing to say about me or our marriage and when I try to talk about good stuff just claims he doesn't remember/had forgotten or was ' high on antidepressants.
We have been to counselling together and he feels he needs personal counselling to deal with his own issues that he has now identified.
We have discussed the things he is not happy about but he refuses to make any changes to try and put them right so we are just in this loop of negativity. I asked him to see the GP as I still felt maybe he had mild depression but she has told him she doesn't think he is depressed (or so he tells me).
3 weeks ago he wanted a trial separation to give him some space so I reluctantly agreed and told him to start looking for somewhere but that it would then draw the DC into things and that he needed to sort it all out as I wanted nothing to do with it and that whilst it was his choice to do it there was a risk that I might decide actually I was ok without him and might not want him back. A week later he said he was feeling much more positive about trying to sort things, didn't want to be apart from the DC and I and felt he should stay and start counselling.
However he is going back to not wanting to discuss things, being very negative and tetchy if I say anything he disagrees with and about other people.
I've read the mid life crisis script which he seems to be working through, I showed him this, he said it was rubbish, his older brother then also told him he is having a mlc but he still can't see it.
My patience is running out, I can't sleep or eat properly, I'm struggling to do my job properly and have started to dislike him for what he is doing.
He says his head is a mess, he is under pressure (from his family and me) but he has to do what's right for him and put himself first for once.
He says he has a great life but just isn't happy.
Anyone have any experience of anything similar, what the hell do I do?

I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum. I would bin him off right now. As another poster said, while you are in front of him you are the subject to blame. Put plenty of fresh air between the pair of you. No clarity will come until then. How bloody dare he blame you!

Ending the relationship might actually be the best thing to do if you want to “save” your relationship - he doesn’t get to stay but treat you like shit, won’t have you as an option and can experience the reality of his choices. Face his life without you being his wife, or friend.

Of course you may well genuinely not want him any more.

I read your OP and the rest of the thread and this sums it up perfectly

so it was 'last year' he was depressed.
'Last year' he changed his phone passcode.
'Last year' he turned off his notifications!!
'Last year' he went off sex.
He is always on his phone.
You know what's happening OP.
Even if it's not a physical affair there is certainly someone else out there.
Don't put up with this crap from him.
You've read the script so you know he's re-writing history with his 'been unhappy for years' crap.
Dump him as soon as you get home.

Do not do the pick me dance dump him as soon as you get home. He is behaving terribly.

Absolutely he's getting attention from elsewhere. Doesn't need to spend time away - online is so easy. All the signs are there.

Ask him for his unlocked phone and see his response - then stare him in the eyes and say I know. Watch the reaction.

Fitandmiss I have friends close but no family, only his as I moved from one end of the country to be with him.
His family are being very supportive to me at the moment and giving him a hard time as they don't understand what he is doing and why.
However I'm a realist in that if we split that may all change. DH is terrified I may decide to move back to where my family are if we split and I have told him I have no idea what I will do, not to be malicious but I can't tell if I will be able to manage a split and all the crap that goes with it without family support. Staying where we are if we split would be the right thing for the DC and for DH with regards to joint parenting but whether it's the right thing for me is a different matter. DC have one more year until high school and I want them to start at s school they will stay at so I can't have this arsing about for much longer.
So many things to consider, my head and my heart just hurt.

You need legal advice as he may well seek to prevent you from moving away.

How does the area where you currently live compare with the area you moved from on jobs (for both you and DH), housing costs and schools?

Housing costs are similar, my job can go wherever I go.
Schools are on the whole better where we are now but there are good schools where I lived previously, so not much in it.
I would want to stay in our house on my own with the DC for a reasonable period to see if I can do it, for DC's sake as much as anything before I make any (more!) major decisions.

Ugh it's so hard! It's great that his family are being supportive at the moment.

Starting High School sounds like it will give you a back stop date to get things sorted and in place by, which is pressure or could be motivation. I think personally I'd want to let the dust settle a bit like you've suggested before deciding. Legal advice is a sound idea so you have a clearer idea of your options.

He may well refuse to leave the family home - many men do.

I'm definitely not leaving, I have nowhere to go and he does.

Bloody pisstaker.

I'd bet my last tenner he's having or wants to have an affair too, hence the it's all YOUR fault, and his refusal to seek further help is a sign he's no respect for you or relationship.

Being depressed is no excuse for being a dickhead anyway.

Don't let him play you OP. He's messing with your head and I think you know it. Reading your posts - you're not a silly woman

If he stays then he can sit the fuck down and work with you on rebuilding your relationship. If he can't do that then whats the point..ask yourself if he's worth the hassle.

If he will willingly move out, brilliant, do that. If he won’t you can still proceed with a legal/financial separation.

Have contacted our councillor for an individual session for me next week and a local solicitors that specialises in family law for an initial consultation.
First steps in taking control.

That’s good. Somewhere on here there is a sticky thread about preparing for initial consultations with family lawyers, with useful tips.

Yes, take control.

The same counsellor shouldn’t counsel you as a couple and you individually - one or two sessions is fine, but if you need more s/he should advise you to see someone else.

Glad you’re taking control. You can’t let him control you like this for another goodness knows how long.

My Dsis has a very similar experience.....her H
-Moved into spare room a year ago.
-Changed phone and iPad passcodes.
-Was depressed (but refused to see a dr) and said my sister was causing this. (He wouldn’t explain how)
-Said he didn’t love my sis anymore.
-Told her on New Year’s Eve that he was leaving her.
-Told her on 7th jan that he’d changed his mind and wanted to give the marriage another go.

I told her I was sure there was someone else. She did some digging that day (saw phone bills online) and he’s been messaging and talking to a number over 60 times, every single day. Sis phoned the number and it was a woman she actually knew.

H denied everything and said they were just friends chatting

I think she was in absolute shock that he could behave like this. It took her a month to make him go. 6 months along and she is so much happier. Yes she’s very upset her H behaved like this but she’s no longer living with a depressive, whining, cheating wanker! It’s like a weight has been lifted from her.

I wish you luck for the future.

Just wanted to wish you luck Vegas. It sounds shit but taking steps to regain control is absolutely the right thing to do.

What hellsbellsmelons said is good advice

Hang in there stay strong look after yourself and ds

for you Viva. I was worried about losing the house and having no where to go. I ended up renting and he bought me out.

Renting ended up being ideal for me. Moved right near DCs school and had incredibly supportive new neighbours. Best thing I ever did. The important thing was making a happy home for me and DCs - and we did it - they were hard but happy years. It was so much easier to parent without exDH’s mood swings and perpetual negativity (for which he would not get help).

Six years on I am no longer renting. I am sitting in my own house, it is so much lovelier than the house I left. Life is better than ever for me - it takes work and time and bravery but it is worth it to make the best decision for yourself and your DCs.

HellsBells has got it right (as usual) If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims....ah you know. This fella is one massive great duck covered in red flags!