DH Mid Life Crisis

[VivaVegas]

Background married 18 years, together 21, DC age 10. DH is 48.
last year DH suffered terrible depression. At the time before he broke down I thought he was fed up with me/us as a family as he was very miserable, withdrawn and disinterested. When he broke down I asked him if it was us and he said absolutely not he just felt so low and needed help. GP was very supportive, he refused counselling went on antidepressants and we went on to have a lovely summer as a family. DH after a while didn't like the side effects of the antidepressants (felt no emotion/lack of sex drive mainly) so just took himself off them towards the end of the year. Refused to consult the doctor about doing this or trying a different dose etc despite me asking him to do so, response was 'I can do what I want' and wouldn't even discuss.
Since then things deteriorated over the next few months and his behaviour was as before so I thought he had depression again (as did several family members who mentioned it to me). Two months ago I asked him what was wrong and he just says 'I've been thinking about if we should split up'. Says things haven't been right for years, I was the cause of his depression (even though he told family it was job related and told me it definitely wasn't us at the time and he was in no fit state to be making stuff up). He hates the person he has become and that is also down to me, does not have a positive thing to say about me or our marriage and when I try to talk about good stuff just claims he doesn't remember/had forgotten or was ' high on antidepressants.
We have been to counselling together and he feels he needs personal counselling to deal with his own issues that he has now identified.
We have discussed the things he is not happy about but he refuses to make any changes to try and put them right so we are just in this loop of negativity. I asked him to see the GP as I still felt maybe he had mild depression but she has told him she doesn't think he is depressed (or so he tells me).
3 weeks ago he wanted a trial separation to give him some space so I reluctantly agreed and told him to start looking for somewhere but that it would then draw the DC into things and that he needed to sort it all out as I wanted nothing to do with it and that whilst it was his choice to do it there was a risk that I might decide actually I was ok without him and might not want him back. A week later he said he was feeling much more positive about trying to sort things, didn't want to be apart from the DC and I and felt he should stay and start counselling.
However he is going back to not wanting to discuss things, being very negative and tetchy if I say anything he disagrees with and about other people.
I've read the mid life crisis script which he seems to be working through, I showed him this, he said it was rubbish, his older brother then also told him he is having a mlc but he still can't see it.
My patience is running out, I can't sleep or eat properly, I'm struggling to do my job properly and have started to dislike him for what he is doing.
He says his head is a mess, he is under pressure (from his family and me) but he has to do what's right for him and put himself first for once.
He says he has a great life but just isn't happy.
Anyone have any experience of anything similar, what the hell do I do?

Vivavegas This is so similar to my situation 10 years ago, also around the same age as you. The bit that cut me to the core was when my husband of 27 years told me he had been 'unhappy for years'. That just didn't ring true with my memories of our marriage as I thought we had a good life together. It made me doubt everything including happy memories. It turned out there was another woman.
But 10 years on my life is so much better, I met someone else and recently re married. We have a wonderful life together and I couldn't be happier. When I look back I was so afraid of my future and being alone but life does move on and as my experience shows it can be so much better. Don't put up with it.

Another woman in my very similar circumstances.

I knew, because of mumsnet, but he denied and denied, making me think I was mad until I got proof.

It was all so awful. I feel for you, OP.

With hindsight, I agree with pps: chuck him out and don’t look back. LIFe is too short. I’m the same age as you, btw.

Just sending you good wishes as I've no practical advice.

My mother (late 70s) said rwcently if she could turnn back the clock she's pick 50 - children getting self sufficient but still around, got a bit of money to fall back on and still healthy. Your best years are still to come.

When he is asleep use his thumb to unlock his phone??

As someone said upthread...“This is your one life and this is no way to live it”

It sounds just awful.
Enjoy your holiday, can you and your DCs do stuff together if the DH is being painful?
Then when you get home he can move out while you both decide if you want this marriage.

As an aside, do you think he could be having an affair?

I think when we get home I need to tell him he needs to move out for the the trail separation that we previously discussed and that's my ultimatum.
He is definitely up to something on his phone, he is WhatsApping someone and if I happen to glance over he quickly shuts it down. Could be something and nothing but I'm very suspicious. I want to confront him now but don't want a massive row in front of the DC in a holiday apartment.

I wish I could unlock his phone, have had several password attempts on the odd occasion he's left it around but to no avail!
Agree this is no way to live.
F'ing hard him.

If it’s a iPhone just use his thumb??

If it’s not then...... watch him like a hawk.

Or you could take the phone, see how he reacts when he thinks he has “lost” it??

Then demand him to unlock it there and then with no quibble. If he won’t- you know all you need to know.

I too would take back some control and ask him to leave asap, and that it’s separation, not a “trial”. Not good or healthy for you to remain in the relationship when he’s treated you badly for a long time now.

Once things are organised tell the DC, together, that it’s happening, and the reason why (that DH is unhappy in your relationship).

It does sound like he may have an OW. But even if he doesn’t his behaviour is unacceptable.

My friend is going through the same. Dh out the blue said he was miserable and how she was causing him all this stress. It was her fault. They’ve divorced now and it seems he’s had an OW in the wings for quite sometime. Other OW was her best friend.

Personally I’d make his choice for him and throw him out. He’s being unkind and probably saying you’re making him miserable to get rid of the guilt whilst he decides if the other person involved is worth taking a gamble on.

You’re worth more than this!

How do you use someone else's thumb though?
He'd wake up if I tried to do it when he was asleep surely?!
If we were at home I'd ask him but still have a few days of our holiday left, I am trying to see the name when I'm stalking him but am just too damn short sighted!

OW or not, I wouldn't want to live with someone like that. You have been very supportive with his mental health, but you need to focus on yourself now and what is best for you.

DH is the same with WhatsApp and his phone, I try and catch a peek at the name but fail. I've seen using his fingerprint while he's asleep suggested before on here but I'd be scared of waking him and starting WW3. Hugs to you OP, being in a limbo like that sucks.

Surely he’s a deep sleeper? I wouldn’t wake. Do the thumb print crouch in his side of the bed and do it.

If ones too, put the phone down and make like you’re going to the loo

Are we married to the same person hitandmiss!

I'd get the phone and hide it. If he's getting any messages you should be able to see them on the front screen and access them that way....

All notifications on the screen are turned off.

The fact hes changed the password, the notifications are turned off, hiding what he is doing.... the answers are there, they really are. This ain't a marriage - why all the secrecy?

I can't agree more with the posters who say he is using the cheaters script, I'm afraid.

All so rubbish. Agree with others to tell him you are separating when you return home. If there isn't an OW (which I strongly suspect there is) then you need to kick him to the kerb. I really don't think this is going to improve.

If there is anything I have learned over the years, it is that you need to be firm in your resolve or people will walk all over you. Life is short and 50 is a great age to reinvent yourself. You could do pretty much anything. Don't fear the future.

You don’t need evidence: if he has an OW it will become clear at some point.

During the holiday take as much time as you can alone - assuming DH can be trusted to show the DC a good time!

Get legal advice asap on return. It’s likely, for example, that he may refuse to move out. But you can proceed with separation nonetheless.

Thanks again for the support.
I am petrified of the future, being alone and an old woman.
Just last summer we got all our pensions planned out for retirement and talked about it at length hence why I don't buy that he has been unhappy for years.
I love my house, we only moved into it 3 years ago and again up until last year he was saying it was the best move we had ever made. Whilst I can afford to pay our mortgage and run it there is a lot of equity in it and I couldn't borrow enough to buy him out which is another worry.

I'd do your best to enjoy the holiday with your DC...then when you get home tell him it's over and you arent prepared to live like this anymore.

Sometimes when there is pressure from an OW it does cause one to be depressed. So he may have been genuinely depressed for that reason.

The stress of leading a double life is enough to make him cranky and withdrawn from you.

His rewriting marital history....always on the phone...being secretive...sounds very much like he's up to no good.

He's setting the scene to end it in a way he doesn't look like the bad guy.

He'll say we drifted apart...we tried counselling...it didn't work....then shortly after....out pops the OW...who he's just met.

I hope this isn't the case...but I've seen it too many times with the same lead up.

When you indicated he should go...but you might just be fine without him...you scuppered his plans to be plan B.. in case things fell through with her.

He couldn't risk having nobody...so you'll do until he's sure he wants out.

So it was 'last year' he was depressed.
'Last year' he changed his phone passcode.
'Last year' he turned off his notifications!!
'Last year' he went off sex.
He is always on his phone.
You know what's happening OP.
Even if it's not a physical affair there is certainly someone else out there.
Don't put up with this crap from him.
You've read the script so you know he's re-writing history with his 'been unhappy for years' crap.
Dump him as soon as you get home.

If it wasn't for the fact mine was still here in bed at 11 this morning I might be wondering Vegas! Can you imagine if it was! That'd be fast karma.

It is scary, we've sorted wills, life insurance and all that malarky but I'm thinking staying is a high price to pay. Have you got much support around you to ease the transition if you do end things with him?