Is it me or can being a mum be a lonely business (for SAHM's)

[boo64]

I'm just curious - before I had ds I imagined I'd spend days sitting in coffee shops chatting with lots of new found mummy friends and it'd all be a social whirl.

My antenatal group was a bit of a funny one so we didn't really stay in touch - too geographically spread and with those of us who did stay in touch, things largely fizzled out when people returned to work.

I'm not shy and I'd hope i'm not too annoying (although I do seem to manage to 'kill threads' on here quite often so maybe I am!!) I've made a couple of nice mum friends nearby but we only meet once a week which leaves an awful lot of time with just me and ds alone. He is fab but at 2 he doesn't have so much to say yet!

I do admit I am slightly fussy about friends - I think it needs to go beyond just having kids as the common factor - that was fine in the early months when we talked nappy contents and swapped sleeplessness stories but now I'd want to have something else in common as well.

Is my experience the norm or do you all have a massive social life packed with playdates??

I have loads of friends now (mostly mummy friends) but DD is now 4 and it's taken this long. You'll get there - evebtually. It certainly can be very lonely at times.

I joined every social club going initially and then withdrew from those I didn't enjoy and carried on witht he ones I did like. I have learned to look out for anyone new though as it's horrible walking into a room full of strangers and then noone talk.

i'm lucky in that my antenatal group is great. however, i do miss the constant adult company i had at work and the group only meets up once a week so i am lonely at times, yes. that's why mn was invented!

Very lonely busy a sahm, we moved from England to Wales just before having ds so didn't even meet anyone from ante-natal

should have read being not busy!

Yes thank goodness for MN!

It's not like I'm totally lonely and I have met a few nice mums locally who I see maybe once a week but it just isn't as social as I imagined.

Maybe it's about where I live - I reckon it'd probably be easier if you live somewhere like Muswell Hill/ Chiswick/ Clapham (if in London - sorry MNetters elsewhere to be London centric) as there are zillions of mums there.

I have met some lovely people, through pre-school etc, but the downside of meeting up outside of school gates/swimming etc is that you have to put up with their little darlings as well as your own And people are busy with part-time work and other activites so it's actually quite hard to arrange to meet sometimes. I prefer child-free nights out

I only have one friend with a dd and i only see her once a week. I get real lonely

boo64. Have you tried looking on the meet ups? There are loads going on in all areas. Do understand how you feel regarding friends. Want someone you can talk to about something other than kids poo, teeth and snotty noses!

Everyone should be fussy about friends! You don't want to just be friends with someone because they're all you can find.

And yes, it can be really lonely being a SAHM. I'm lucky in that I meet my NCT group once a week and four of my friends had a baby the same time as me so I can see them often too.

But, there are times when I get lonely and really miss the automatic social life that comes with working outside of the home. Even having lunch with someone! But I like my own company too.

Meeting mums through baby classes doesn't seem to work for me. I reckon your best bet is to find an NCT Parent-BAby coffee morning group. You'll find like minded mums there.

i must say i had to be extremely proactive to get much of a social life while at home - even more so now i work pt as i'm not always around to get phone calls. Helps a lot to divert your home phone to a mobile . I met most people through a couple of 'linchpin' mums via a very busy local parents/toddler group. If one in particular hadn't taken me under her wing I probably would be much much less social than I now am.

The quickest way to meet people round here though is probably to join the NCT and volunteer to do the contacts list. And to trug along to the church and volunteer for whatever kids' stuff they have.

It takes a long time IMO to settle into an area in this country. 2 years is about the minimum I think, which is a pretty depressing thought.

I've been lucky and made some good mummy friends but it was hard work. I signed up to a lot of things, kept inviting people over, organising trips and so on. We'd moved here when I was pregnant so I had no old friends and had to make some new ones.

I try to have something that gets us out of the house and meeting other people every day - either meeting someone for coffee, or going to a group or even going to the park with the aim of talking to at least one other adult round the sandpit!

We are moving again in a couple of months and I'm dreading having to go through it all again. I think choosyfloosy is right - a lot of activity depends on a couple of linchpin mums - my plan is to find out who they are and hope one of them 'adopts' me!

You know what, it can be a lonely experience as a WOHM too . All the baby clubs and activities like Jolly Babies or Sing and Sign etc. are in working hours. Hardly anyone I work with has children so I get no interaction with other mums at all. Mumsnet is my saviour in that respect.

There are loads of us out there who feel like you, boo.

Most days it's just and my son. I take him to work with me for a couple of hours on alternative mornings, but apart from that, we just mooch.

We mooch at home, we mooch at the shops, we mooch at the playground ... but no one else mooches with us!

You're right to be choosy about your friends. Children shouldn't be the main things that bind you.

I take a pretty relaxed view about this state of suspension, tbh. I think I'm closer to my child (who's very sociable notwithstanding), and I don't take it as a sign that I'm socially unappealing. My time/our time for friends and social lives will come.

Found being a SAHM with one very lonely -was the first of my friends to have dcs and found the whole 'making friends' thing a real shock as had up until then found friends easily through school, uni, work, dh etc...

Since dd1 has started pre-school life has become a lot more sociable as I've met loads of other mothers through drop off and pick up.

Having a totally miserable half term though with my two pre-schoolers as all my friends with school age dc's seem to disappear during the holidays.

do groups - swimming / gymnastic / playgroups / music

at each group you would be lucky to find 1 or 2 people you could build a social life with (not unusual not to particularly like anyone so just don't go back unless its great for ds)

I would also say that even though we mostly make out the opposite its you and the other parent that counts at this stage ... although the kids will normally be the excuse to meet up

once DS starts school its much easier because they'll all be local and you can do coffees and stuff

boo64 are you me?

You're definately not on your own. Going back to work part-time helped me to get organised and a bit of time for me.

It's difficult. I feel i have my friends made from where i am from originally. You don't want people in your house all the time hard to get a happy medium.

Hi

Desiderata - I totally am mooching away too - we 'mooch' up and down to the high street all the time and it is quite dull! Slightly nicer now ds can walk and say a few words so points stuff out like birds and cars that are 'like daddy's'.

I've done quite a few groups and that's where I met one of the friends but to be honest a lot of the mums round these parts aren't really my cuppa tea!

Rollon - I work 2 mornings a week but at home and to be honest it's a godsend - without it I would totally have gone mad!!

Increasing to 3 mornings soon so that will help fill the time i guess.

Sorry to sound so morose! It's not so bad and there are worse problems out there - I was just curious really!

I might look at the meet ups - but doesn't everyone know everyone already!?

Nope, I think we all have spells of feeling like this. I take my DS (who's 2) to several groups, but it's taken a year or so to get to the point where I really talk to anyone there about anything other than sleeping, growing, nappies etc. And I have gradually found two or three people with kids around DS age living within a road or two, who we sometimes run into when we go to the park, and I do stay in touch with some pre-baby pals. But it is hard.

have never done a mumsnet meeting!! but i am sure some good friendships have been made. on the flyladies site they all seem to know each other it can be intimadating. just post away i feel like a thread killer too. don't lose sleep over it. take all the good comments and bin the rest .
right have to get off and do some housework trying to fly today ye right . have girls on trampoline inbetween showers

It took me until a new pregnant lady moved into our street and I took a pressie up for the baby. Boy was that the best thing I ever did. We clicked right away, not just because we both had kids. Prior to that I had no new pals. At M&T I only met one other mum as everyone else was a childminder or a gran. Even now I still only meet up with that Mum for a lunch date every 2-3 weeks. It's really hard going. After summer both my two will be at some form of pre-school group most mornings and I can't wait. I don't necessarily get bored on my own as I like my own company, I just get cheesed off with the constant demands made of me and get precious little time to myself to indulge in toenail painting and stuff like that . I also have the problem that I can't be arsed meeting lots of other people when all the kids are there too. It brings me out in a rash. You can get no conversation with anyone for more than 30 seconds without being interupted. It does not make for an ideal event to make friends with people.

I have to work really hard to make sure I don't get lonely being a SAHM with my two pre-schoolers. If i let it slide I can find myself in a week where I have nothing organised to do with others and I end up getting out and about on my own which is so lonely and boring for them and me.

I have to work a week in advance to use the "pool" of friends wth kids that I have, plus my M&D plus activities we can do alone, to make sure we don't have weeks from hell......When DS1 starts pre-school in September I think the pressure will be off a bit, because I won't mind him watching a bit of TV in the afternoons if he has been occupied all morning at pre-school....

And I am lucky that I have parents nearby and at least 4 other friends with kids to get together with, but you can't see the same people every day can you....