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Original poster

Is it me or can being a mum be a lonely business (for SAHM's)

62 replies

boo64 · 31/05/2007 11:29

I'm just curious - before I had ds I imagined I'd spend days sitting in coffee shops chatting with lots of new found mummy friends and it'd all be a social whirl.

My antenatal group was a bit of a funny one so we didn't really stay in touch - too geographically spread and with those of us who did stay in touch, things largely fizzled out when people returned to work.

I'm not shy and I'd hope i'm not too annoying (although I do seem to manage to 'kill threads' on here quite often so maybe I am!!) I've made a couple of nice mum friends nearby but we only meet once a week which leaves an awful lot of time with just me and ds alone. He is fab but at 2 he doesn't have so much to say yet!

I do admit I am slightly fussy about friends - I think it needs to go beyond just having kids as the common factor - that was fine in the early months when we talked nappy contents and swapped sleeplessness stories but now I'd want to have something else in common as well.

Is my experience the norm or do you all have a massive social life packed with playdates??

OP posts:

CantSleepWontSleep · 31/05/2007 15:06

There must be some mums in the general area who are your cuppa surely? Maybe you've just not found the group that they all go to yet!

I take dd to different groups 5 mornings of the week, and have made friends at all bar 1 (still plenty of people I talk to at that one, but no-one I've seen outside the group as yet).

Whereabouts do you live boo?

As for MN meetups, not everyone knows everyone already, no, and if they do, it's only because they've already taken the first step and gone to a MN meetup before!

Can still get lonely during holidays when the groups aren't on though!

bubblymummy · 31/05/2007 16:01

Where do you live boo. I reckon your other london spots are exactly the same - probably worse as you're either with the 'in' crowd or out of it.

There are mums that seem to slide into the social life of mum and those that don't. I've struggled with it but I've come to the conclusion that it's the same everywhere.

My frustration is that trying to have a conversation with my proper friends is almost impossible with a one year old demanding your time.

It will get better (I hope).

millie865 · 31/05/2007 16:20

I found the first year with DD a bit like the first term at university - join everything, run around making friends with everyone, talk about the same things to everyone (although now its sleeping, feeding and poo, not 'what A levels did you get?'), suddenly realise you don't like some of the people you are friends with and then have to make some more friends.

But it has also been really good for me because there are a couple of mums who I really wouldn't have thought were my type but who I have got to know and now really like.

MorocconOil · 31/05/2007 16:37

Have you got a park with a playground for little children nearby? I go to one most days which is very local and you get to chat to other Mums there. You start to regonise people when you start going regularly. I think it is a less stressful place to meet other Mums than a toddler group.

You could also try the baby swim session at your local pool as they are usually friendly. Ours has a cafe you can go to afterwards and you can get chatting to other Mums there.

foxybrown · 31/05/2007 16:51

Lonely yes, and boring too. It takes alot of effort to go and build a social circle for you and for your lo's. But it does come good, although it is hardwork.

I've a lot of acquaintences now where I live (moved here 5 years ago) and I can go to the park, playgroups, playschemes or walking and I see someone to say hello to and exchange niceities with. But only a very few people who I count on as good friends. They are the ones who keep me sane.

Noellefielding · 31/05/2007 17:13

I found it hard at first; where we lived most people seemed to go back to work so I would go to baby groups and they'd be full of nannes and child minders, which is fine but not quite the same as other mothers. when we moved I found it hard too.
I think if I could do it over again I would pack my schedule even more furiously with baby groups and regular activities where other people are.
I also learned that I looked for different things in friends. I don't have the same criteria as I did before I became a mother. I think company is hugely important. Some people I thought would not be great soul mates have been a huge support over the years. I think the more you do the better, do you have a list of all the activities in your area? Have you got any good notice boards in local places? It might be worth calling the nct to find out if they have any lists of toddler things. Sometimes there's a good thing nearby that you may not know about.
Good luck and it's all in the effort, if you make it it will pay off. Also help out at those groups - I made more friends by joining the playgroup committee than any other thing I did when ds was very little!

Cascara · 31/05/2007 17:44

Lonely here, but only because I'm in a different city than where I spent most of my life and if I was there I'd see people on evenings and weekends. That's why we're working at moving back.

thegardener · 31/05/2007 21:08

I have found that by sticking to one particular toddler group has been great for meeting new mums. I also made a few friends that turned out to be not my cup of tea, obviuosly still chat to but don't keep in contat with anymore. I slowly made a few other friends which is great as i only had work colleagues before so did feel very lonely too.

Just remember to chat to the people who are on their own if you are on your own too.

Original poster

boo64 · 31/05/2007 22:15

Goddess I think you've hit the nail on the head - the planning ahead is key and I've not been very good at it. Sometimes I've found myself at a loose end and thought 'why didn't I sort something out for today?'
So I will try and be more organised!

Re women round here not being my cuppa - firstly I don't always make assumptions about people and have made friends with people I wouldn't have expected to but to be honest on the whole I do get on better with people who have/ had a vaguely similar job (or had) and lifestyle. That's normal isn't it.

Also it is a bit of a funny area - half the women are very glitzy and have diamante bits in their nails and big hair and that's not me.

I do have myself to blame a bit for not making EVEN more effort though....it's just a bit daunting sometimes isn't it. And ds can be quite difficult in social situations so that hasn't helped!

OP posts:

Twinklemegan · 31/05/2007 22:19

I take it there is no sympathy at all for a lonely WOHM then?

Malaleche · 31/05/2007 22:29

i am bored and lonely but also tired and busy, friends with kids are all at work or slightly too far away to see regularly. i am not even technicaly a SAHM but have just delegated my job to DP as i cant be arsed and bfed dd2 is only 8 mo so weaning not very established yet. i still have to sort problems to do with work by phone. I got involved with the parents' association at DD1s nursery to force myself to be more sociable but there are still just not enough hours in the day....

Malaleche · 31/05/2007 22:30

sorry, not very helpful...

cylonbabe · 31/05/2007 22:30

ha, i am a sahm and too busy to think.
the older they get the busier i seem to get
lonly yes, but too busy to notice.

Original poster

boo64 · 31/05/2007 22:38

Twinkle you do have my sympathy! It makes me wonder why there aren't a few more baby groups on Saturday mornings?

I can imagine it must be a bit isolating at work if none of your colleagues have kids and want to stay out for drinks really late but you want to get home to see the children or for a decent sleep - kind of like you feel you don't fit with the colleagues but you don't fit with the SAHMs?

OP posts:

Twinklemegan · 31/05/2007 22:42

Yes you've hit the nail on the head Boo64.

rollonsummerholidays · 31/05/2007 23:38

sorry being a bit thick here is wohm working fulltime mum?

Twinklemegan · 31/05/2007 23:42

In my case yes. I'm not entirely sure what the abbreviation stands for. Working Out of the Home Mum??

rollonsummerholidays · 31/05/2007 23:48

Twinkle it is so difficult being a mum it is good, don't get me wrong but i don't know is there ever a perfect compromise!! and yes i have been drinking so excuse grammatical errors {grin]

Twinklemegan · 31/05/2007 23:50

Wish I had Rollonsummerholidays You're right there's no perfect solution. I think my trouble is I'm a SAHM at heart but I really don't feel like I fit in.

rollonsummerholidays · 31/05/2007 23:55

oh i don't know you had to have a purpose to your day when i was full stay at home mum. now i am part-time and stressed beyond control sometimes but it is getting easier. i didn't inherit the tidy gene all my sisters are nearly anal plump cushion unlike me never puts anything down in the same place .. but always time for a cup of tea and a chat to put the world to right

1dilemma · 01/06/2007 00:17

boo64 sorry you feel like this I think so many do from time to time. I posted something similar ages ago. I think you just have to keep plugging away you will meet people you click with eventually, maybe when ds starts nursery. (BTW I live nr one of the London places you mentioned and it's not all it's cracked up to be -ubercompetative, lots of people only talking to you to 'place' you iyswim and once they feel that you are 'worth' less than them that's it. I think there are lots of 'desperate friendships' simply for the sake of it. nothing wrong with that but don't let it make you unhappy. I have been subject to quite the rudest behaviour from various 'mummies' round here and just walk away what is the point? Hope it makes them happy....
On the occasions when I am v. busy I become desperate for quiet and to be honest my lo like nothing more than mooching on patio/mud pie type games despite all my endeavours.

Twinklemegan · 01/06/2007 00:19

So I'm not the only one then who finds some other mums incredibly rude. Come to think of it, being a WOHM might have nothing to do with it. I took DS to the local baby clinic several times when I was on maternity leave, and other mums, who seemed to already know each other, just blanked me completely. I feel like I've got something in common with other women with babies and am keen to be friendly. Many of them don't seem to feel the same.

rollonsummerholidays · 01/06/2007 00:23

twinkle waste of space if people are that rude they are not worth knowing.

madamez · 01/06/2007 00:30

Twinkle: know where you're at girl! I'm self-employed and do some work outside the home as well as going to toddler groups, still find it hard. Partly because I moved with DS to a new area (not that far from old home but far enough), partly because (have posted about this before) I'm not the most 'mainstream' of people and all my good friends from pre-parenthood days are non-mainstream as well so it's difficult to find common ground. It is starting to get a bit easier and better, I think it generally does (for one thing, DCs grow up enough for it to be more feasible to take them on an outing to some nice family-friendly pub with a big garden so you can catch up with your childfree mates etc).

wrinklytum · 01/06/2007 00:36

Ditto Twinklemegan and Madamez.

I only work pt but only know a few other mums,and my colleagues are on a different wavelength.

Hope it improves when they go to school!!

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