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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband detroyed my dream

51 replies

Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 09:42

My dream since being a child was to have my own 'unbroken' family. I'm from a broken family and its something I said I never wanted for my children but who does?

My mum split from my dad when I was 2 and my brother slightly older, my dad was abusive. She went on to marry my step dad when I was about 5, they had 2 more children. To begin with it was fine but then my younger half siblings were put before my brother and I. My step dad went on to have affairs and then finally left my mum for another woman. He now doesn't even bother with his own children as he's to busy playing the doting dad to hers.
I see my biological dad about twice a year and its always been like that.

I was with my husband for 10years, 3 months ago he left me and our 1year old for another woman. She is only 20 so he has the chance to restart his life, to a certain degree as in marriage, children, the 'perfect family' which I am so angry about. Angry They've already moved in together and are inseparable, my gut says its going to work out for them which also kills me, they'll have what I desperately wanted. I wanted more children he didn't. I know they have already discussed children and he says maybe in the future they will.

I am now a 30 year single mum, living back in my old bedroom, on benefits. Previously I have worked since I was 16 which I gave up to raise our child, I had a gorgeous home and a little family, which I know wasn't perfect but I wanted to work on things. From my experience and from what I've seen step families don't work. I know i'm still young(ish) but my biological clock is ticking and I had difficulties during pregnancy/labour that become a bigger problem with age.

Will I ever be able to trust a man again? Can step families work?
How comes he gets the prefect outcome after causing all this pain and crushing my dreams. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 09:50

I meant my Husband destroyed my dream not detroyed Blush

OP posts:
ScreamingValenta · 29/07/2018 09:54

I'm sorry to hear this, OP Flowers. You say you are back in your old bedroom - what is happening to your marital home? Were you renting it? Have the finances been sorted out yet and maintenance for your 1 year old?

SandyY2K · 29/07/2018 09:56

Dreams dependant or involving others to play a part can't be guaranteed unfortunately.

I'm sorry youre going through this. It must feel awful.

File for divorce before 6 months are over... or you can't file on the grounds of adultery.

You can also begin the sorting out of financials and custody.

You're still young enough to find another man to share your life with. Some step families work fine. You only tend to read about the bad ones on here...but I know of several that blend well.

Seek legal advice if you haven't already done so.

yearofreckoning · 29/07/2018 09:59

Morning op , I know exactly how you feel. Mine left me pregnant for OW 6 years ago to play and is still playing doting dad to her son while he left ours high and dry . Six years on they are still together and it still hurts a little that he got to be happy while I am still single after six years( not my choice) but no one likes me enough.

But one thing I can say is with time , I have leant to come to terms with it . I believe with the right person, step family can work although I am yet to find one ( I am same age as you ) and I would love another child. You might be luckier than me and meet someone sooner and when you least expect it. But one thing for sure is the experience will make you stronger and a better person. It has for me .

Sorry I don't have any advice as I am going through the same thing but placemarking for when someone with better advice comes along BrewSmile

ASAS · 29/07/2018 10:00

I'm sorry this has happened, but hopefully in time you'll feel you're well fucking rid.

At your age it really is inevitable you'll meet someone else. Why can't you "re-start" your life with that person? Fully involving your current child?

Families are tough. Step, bio, those perfect Facebook families. No particular set up has an easy ride, as proven by how your ex treated you. Surely you aren't going to jeopardize any future happiness with this idea of a dream family?

On a practical level, as above what's happening with your marital assets? Time to out this anger in getting some financial security.

Take care.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 10:02

Dreams dependant or involving others to play a part can't be guaranteed unfortunately

This ^^

Life doesn't always work out as planned and you can't rely on others for your own dreams and happiness.

Rather than seek a new relationship, you need to work on being happy on your own first. Go back to your career, sort a home for you and your child and then see what happens.

Sistersofmercy101 · 29/07/2018 10:09

OP firstly I am so very deeply sorry that you've been betrayed and left feeling this way. Flowers
Secondly, your children have every chance of a lovely enjoyable happy life still, with a commited loving capable parent - you, I understand your distress that their father has betrayed them also, but it's better and less disruptive and upsetting for children to live in a main home that is consistently putting their needs first rather than a home that is dysfunctional with a physically present but emotionally absent father

MagicFajita · 29/07/2018 10:20

Don't give up op. I was in your situation 10 years ago (aged 28). I was living back with my parents with my two kids , I was on income support. My marriage (complete with emotional and financial abuse) had come to an end and it was a case of either leave or plunge even further into depression.

It's taken time to rebuild but I'm now married to a wonderful man (he's a brilliant stepfather) , and I have a decent job with a few quid in the bank. We're happy and have a baby of our own also.

You might need to adjust your expectations slightly but you will be happy again if you keep working towards it.

Good luckFlowers

PurpleMac · 29/07/2018 10:20

I'm so sorry for the way your husband has treated you. He's an arse.

However I agree with PP - dreams that rely on other people can't work. You cannot force his participation in your dream of an unbroken family.

My DSS comes from a "broken family" and he is incredibly happy. DH and his ex co-parent well, me and his step dad both love him to bits. He has a younger sibling in each home who he loves dearly. He had a bit of a wobble a year ago about being sad his parents were no longer together (they split when he was a baby) but all four of us explained to him how u happy that relationship made his parents and now he's lucky to have four "parents", four sets of grandparents and aunt's and uncles and cousins who all dote on him, and two siblings who idolise their big brother. There has been a lot of hurt along the way in the early days but it has 100% worked out for the best.

Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 10:21

Our marital home is being sold and split 50/50. I dont live there because he kicked us out and he had no where to go. 2 weeks after he kicked us out I found out he was pretty much living with her at her parents house so I could have stayed home Angry he pays maintenance each month and I'm currently looking for a 16hour job to get myself back on my feet.
When I met him he was in debt, jobless, home was falling apart, didn't take care of himself, he had no food in the cupboards. I helped him sort his life out and he says he'd be in the gutter if it weren't for me. I cant help but feel she's reaping the benefits of everything I did for him and is going to have the life I wanted. He's already changing for her, going out, affectionate etc he would never go out with me, just complained and said his anxiety was playing up but he's a new man now Angry
Atm I want to rebuild my life, get my own place for my son and i which I know will take a few years

OP posts:
happypoobum · 29/07/2018 10:24

Why are the assets being split 50/50? Have you had legal advice?

I can't understand why you left home Confused

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 10:26

Unless he's a high earner so child support will be a good amount then sixteen hours work isn't going to be enough to sustain a household and two people.

People act differently in different relationships, you can't compare them as they are not the same.

speakout · 29/07/2018 10:31

He doesn't have the "perfect" family- and never will.

He is already a father and has a 1 year old child.

That can't be "undone".

And yes he may have more children, but his new women won't be the one to make him a father, any new children will be born with a half sibling.
He will have an ongoing financial and moral obligation to his existing child he had with you- possibly anger and resentment from his new squeeze, and really she is in a shite situation shacking up with a love rat.

Only a matter of time until he finds yet more pastures.

A lucky break for you I would say.

Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 10:33

He had nowhere to go and I did. When I suggested he slept in his car because this was all his choice he went mad. He was abusive at times and that was one of those times. I just wanted to get me and my baby out of the house so I left.
My husband inherited the property when he was a teen, so it was his premarital. I've been told I'm not even entitled to half because of this, my husband said he'd give me half though which tbh I'm happy with.
I don't want to apply for the divorce because I don't see why I should have to pay, he should pay Hmm

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 29/07/2018 10:36

If your on benefits you get the court costs refunded

MagicFajita · 29/07/2018 10:36

He hasn't changed for this new lady op , he's just pretending until she's sucked in.

You know who he is , don't forget that.

Babdoc · 29/07/2018 10:37

“When I met him he was in debt, jobless, home falling apart, didn’t take care of himself....”
And you looked at that and thought “Perfect husband material”????!
OP, you rescued him, put him back together, got him a home and job.
Perhaps you felt he’d be eternally grateful and stay with you in the lovely little family fantasy you’d constructed?
In my experience, men don’t feel grateful, they feel resentful. They don’t like to be beholden or dependent. You put him back together so he can now go off and be the big strong husband with someone else. He probably used you as a therapist rather than a wife.
Take some time on your own. Maybe have counselling. Think about why you set the bar so low for your choice of partner - is that all you feel you deserve?

gamerchick · 29/07/2018 10:39

Have you even seen a solicitor yet?

Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 10:40

I've been for finacial advice and I'll do ok on 16hours especially living with my mum, she's doesn't charge much boardWink. I dont want to do more hours atm because of how young DC is, for me personally I want to be there for him as much as possible because i think it's important which is why i quit my job. When he's at school I will look for full time work though.

OP posts:
WowLookAtYou · 29/07/2018 10:40

Who told you that you weren't even entitled to half? You're married, so it's in the "joint assets" pot, surely? And you have your child residing with you, so things could sway further in your favour.

Sounds as though you need to get properly lawyered-up.

Foodylicious · 29/07/2018 10:43

Woah!

Is the house not in your name then?

Please do not trust him to sell and just give you half.

Anyway you can move back in and contact a solicitor?

Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 10:49

When i met him we were just friends for years, we became best friends which is partially when I helped him. He had just lost his parents in his teens and had no other family, a true friend would help them sort their lives out after something so awful.
After a few years of being close friends we developed feelings for one another, I was very hesitant originally but we gave it a go. To begin with it worked then obviously it all fell a part. So no I didn't look at him initially and say wow your perfect husband material lol Smile

OP posts:
Pinkyponkcustard · 29/07/2018 10:54

You’re going to get done over by this arsewipe. Please please see a solicitor op and get everything you’re entitled to.

Original poster
Lemoncup · 29/07/2018 10:56

Nope the house is in his name.

The property isn't worth alot of money and it's going to be expensive if it all goes to court which means less money for us.
I'll honestly be happy with half, I've got another appointment with the solicitor to make it official that I will get half the property once sold.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 29/07/2018 10:57

Why are you getting proper legal advise now?
Don’t be so naive, get yourself properly sorted TOMORROW