Husband detroyed my dream

[Lemoncup]

My dream since being a child was to have my own 'unbroken' family. I'm from a broken family and its something I said I never wanted for my children but who does?

My mum split from my dad when I was 2 and my brother slightly older, my dad was abusive. She went on to marry my step dad when I was about 5, they had 2 more children. To begin with it was fine but then my younger half siblings were put before my brother and I. My step dad went on to have affairs and then finally left my mum for another woman. He now doesn't even bother with his own children as he's to busy playing the doting dad to hers.
I see my biological dad about twice a year and its always been like that.

I was with my husband for 10years, 3 months ago he left me and our 1year old for another woman. She is only 20 so he has the chance to restart his life, to a certain degree as in marriage, children, the 'perfect family' which I am so angry about. They've already moved in together and are inseparable, my gut says its going to work out for them which also kills me, they'll have what I desperately wanted. I wanted more children he didn't. I know they have already discussed children and he says maybe in the future they will.

I am now a 30 year single mum, living back in my old bedroom, on benefits. Previously I have worked since I was 16 which I gave up to raise our child, I had a gorgeous home and a little family, which I know wasn't perfect but I wanted to work on things. From my experience and from what I've seen step families don't work. I know i'm still young(ish) but my biological clock is ticking and I had difficulties during pregnancy/labour that become a bigger problem with age.

Will I ever be able to trust a man again? Can step families work?
How comes he gets the prefect outcome after causing all this pain and crushing my dreams.

It might all be happy endings all round at the moment. But it is not likely to last. A leopard doesnt change its spots.
He sounds awful and you are better off long term without him. V sorry you are having such a horrible time x

aren’t you!! Aah

He can be abusive.

You've had a lucky escape then.

I think, in time, you will realise you dodged a bullet when your husband decided a 20yo was a more attractive proposition and told you to leave. The chances are, she's enjoying the thrill and naughtiness of being with an older married man - I wouldn't be surprised if, a few months down the line, she realises he's not that great after all, and she'd rather be partying, clubbing and holidaying with her mates like other women of her age, and your husband will be the one rejected.

However, he's proved himself to be an unpleasant and disloyal arse, and you are well rid. There are plenty of decent men out there, you have years ahead of you to have more children, and your son will have the chance to be a fantastic big brother. Blended families do work for the majority of people.

Stay strong. Good luck with job hunting and sooner or later, everything will fall nicely into place.

You really need to think carefully and quesion the house situ. I may be wrong, others can advise as I'm in Scotland which is slightly different legally, but many parents are able to keep and continue living in the family home until the youngest child is 18. I worry that the house is hastily being sold, or you're worn down and just not think of other options.

Take care

Hello, I have stumbled on your thread.
I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles right now.
I'm also sorry to say this, bluntly and straight to the point.
You met your partner and he wasn't in the best of places and you've practically picked him up and he repays you by doing this.....
The person you see now, Is the real person, once he felt better, he could then go off with some other poor 'victim' this is NOT your fault and he's disrespectful.
It's his fault, and eventually behind closed doors, the woman he's with will be very unhappy. I suspect he's driven you down that much that no matter what I say, you've a lot of self work ahead of you.
You will meet someone, but right now, you must try to work on the now and you and your child.

Next week, you must go to a family specialist solicitor, if he's ever abused you, and you must tell them everything, you will get legal aid, if not, then you will need to either get help on the property because he cannot force you and a child out of the home, I'm absolutely sure of it, you should not feel like you can't live there, but he has done this to you, he's going to try and shatter every bit of self confidence you've got.
I would also only speak to him on matters of the child only, nothing else, his manipulation will only ruin your self esteem further. You MUST not feel guilty or discuss anything with your ex from now on. You owe him nothing. Try not to listen to any words he's saying, and anything his new partner either, because I can assure you he's painted such a sad and awful picture to her, that is how he got you, that's how he gets everyone.
Red flag for me when a man meets me and their ex is a psycho or whatever, I make my excuses and leave!!
Narcissistic springs to my mind most of the time.
To walk out of one relationship to another just shows what a weak man he is, so, you must seek what help and advice you can get.
You deserve more than the crumbs he was giving you.
You can probably tell i'm furious.....

You have a lot of rights, and your child isn't bothered how many hours you work either.
You have to put yourself first right now, because if you're not looking after yourself, you can't look after anyone and if that means you get a full time job, then do it. I do speak from experience too, and your situation is similar to mine 7 years ago.

You must be a strong woman though, you have picked up your husband and made him better, you have a child.....
Treat yourself like you would treat someone else. Someone once said to me, if a friend was telling you your story what help would you give.
You need an action plan, solicitors, cab, shelter, the mortgage company, speak to step change.
Do you have anything in your area that deals with job clubs, cv writing, debt advice.
If you really can't get more hours and this decision is best for you, then the property is money and he will play games with it.
Get an interest placed on the house so it can't be remortgaged or sold without your say so.

Like I've said, I'm sorry to be blunt, but try not to focus on what he's done, this has happened and you now need to focus on being strong....focus on you and your child.
My ex husband had the shock of his life when his timid, ruined wife knocked on our marital home door with a solicitor and the police and he was removed, I could write a book on him, but I wouldn't waste my time, but I would sit here and tell you that no matter what your ex says or does, you will be safe and you are covered under various Acts especially in housing matters.

As blunt as I am, I am trying to help you, I also realise that you're grieving too, all the hopes of your marriage working and its something I did too, it made me very sad, it is sad, I would become nostalgic about good times, and he even used to contact me to discuss good times. But then I'd accept the good times and accept what he'd done and I'd talk and talk and cry and eventually I accepted it all and realised the problem was him, he was the cause of our marriage breakdown, his behaviour and his gas lighting and manipulation and he was the reason too when he walked out on me.

At the time I didn't have mumsnet, I didn't have a support link like this, so grab advice when you can.
I had a great manager and counselling sessions, then I met a solicitor, who's now my best friend.
I really urge you to think of ONLY you right now, the divorce, the house and your work and sit with someone and work out a plan.
There are lots of beautiful ladies here that will help you out.
I will watch your thread, please rant and discuss and we will help xx

Just to add, on my rant I hadn't noticed that the house was already his.
You realise that if you're married, this whole his, hers doesn't actually exist.
Did you know that you could if you wanted to, stay in the house until your child reaches 18...no exceptions.
The court can and will look at your current situation and say that you and your child are adequately housed and that you have moved out of the home.
I'd move back in if I was you.
If you're on benefits and he was abusive there could be support.
If you have a dv team locally you can get support or a woman's refuge.
In effect his actions and abuse has forced you and a baby out of your home.
Whilst you are no longer there, you have no legal rights other than his word.
When you see your solicitor ask if you can move back in, tell them that the housing register is so long that you'll wait years to get a property and you can't live with mum forever and in effect your ex actions has made you homeless.
You're not in a position to think about him at all right now, your position is to put a sustainable roof over you and your babies head where you are safe.
Glad you're seeking solutions through a solicitor though.

If you don't feel safe in the home because of his actions then you need to get better advice. You should be eligible for legal aid and can get court orders to keep you in the home. This would benefit your child so why wouldn't you do it?

He's giving you half because he knows you'd get more in court.

Can you buy a plave with half the money? If you can't I'd be reassessing you agreeing to it.

Reasons why I don't really want to keep the home:
It was his parents house and he inherited so in my eyes it would always be his home, in fact I only just started calling it home a year before we split. I don't think I could live there emotionally, I have just refurbed the houseready for our child arriving so even the kitchen leaves a bitter taste and makes me cry. I'm financially better off at my mums house meaning I can save for my future property with my son. I live with my siblings who help a lot with my child and tbh honest I don't want to be alone right now. My son is a lot happier being around his uncles and aunty who he adore.
He has offered for me to buy him out but I'd rather just take the money and start a fresh.

@lancashirelass1 Thankyou for the time writing all of that, you have helped a lot. Narcissist has sprung to mind a few times about my husband, even when we were still together. To watch him change for his new girlfriend infuriates me no end but I just keep thinking its the honey period and he's love bombing her. He had only known her for 2months and that was a few hours a week working before he left, Ego boost I think.
I have a rough plan, i've been to see my old employer and asked if they could give me 16hours, they're going to try their best because they want me back, I was with them for 10years!
I am currently seeing a counsellor and getting CBT. I am starting to slowly rebuild my life. Like I've said before its killing me knowing hes getting away with it all scot free

Hi, you're welcome, you have said in your reply it's annoying he's getting away with it. Plus that he's offered for you to buy him out.
If the house is his, and you've moved out, it won't be long before the new gf moves in with him.
Could be a possibility?
You can place an interest on the house and ask that this is put on.
Your solicitor must be a good family solicitor and you need to talk about the abuse and how you believe he's narcissistic.
You may not want to move back in, I can understand that, but you are right though, you cannot let him get away with this scot free.
Id me literally having no contact with him other than the baby.
If he texts you, don't get into the written word, it's just about picking up baby and dropping off.
You must not get into text wars with him.
Solicitors (his) love it.
Also if you don't want to go to a solicitors, you can research putting an interest on the house.
You will find it's very easy.
I know you say it's his house, but he's invited you into it, had a baby and led you to believe there's a future there and married you.
I'd be very annoyed and I'd be inclined to yes, try to be amicable, but I feel he will be fine as long as everything going his way.
Also no matter what you do will be wrong so I'd still do everything that is for you and baby, not him.
Reading through the thread, I'd agree with everyone that you've had a lucky escape, but he's toxic and you need to understand that he will not be happy that you will be looking after yourself..... Still do it, he won't be happy with anything.
Or, he may just do what he's saying an sell up, but you still need to get the interest placed on the house.
What area do you live in.... I'll see what support groups are in the area for you.
In terms of baby, he will be happy now because he's not living in a house where there's shouting and now in a house getting lots of cuddles.
However right now, you also need support and if you can either get more hours, even if it's 16 hrs or even full time, your son will still be happy.
Good for you too taking some time to plan, and getting cbt.
This will help you to assert yourself with ex toxic comebacks if he does.
Let me know how solicitors has gone and putting interest on the property. Xx

He is not the man you think he is. You know deep down it is only a matter of time and he will be back to your old ways with ow.

I feel just like you. My parents split when I was young and I never wanted that for my kids. Who does. But as time went on he treated me very badly and that wasn't an example I wanted for the children either.

Like you ow is much younger and I fully expect her to be expecting by the end of the year. Because he needs to show everyone how right he was to walk away from the children and I. And also to keep her hooked in. It might work out for them. But I don't want anyone in my life who doesn't do their everything for their children. She hasn't won anything special.

As for blended families. Again not what I want for my children. My eldest has asd. So it is very unlikely that it would work. But I am slowly thinking I could still have someone in my life but not live together. Who know. But it would take someone very special to change my mind.

Glad to hear you have people around you. You will come out the other side and you will meet someone else and maybe more children. It isn't the dream you had. It will be different. But imagine being loved by someone who completely adores you.

Take each day as it comes. Stay strong. And try not to engage with him over anything other than house/money/ kids.

I had a similar situation....grew up as part of various broken homes but throughout my mum managed to provide some form of stability but it left me damaged when it came to relationships with men. The guy I chose to settle down with and turn a blind eye to all his unsuitabilities, have two kids with, was the frog and we split after 10 years when the kids were still under 5.
I left him, I realised that no matter how much I hadn't wanted that for my kids, a broken home doesn't necessarily mean a separated one, life can be worse together than apart. Nearly 10 years down the line I am married, new baby on the way and my boys have the best step dad I could ask for who loves them as if they were his own and vice versa.
Step families can work, it's about making sure you're with the right person for the right reasons in the first place.
Take some time out and settle in yourself. Don't focus on what should have been, what you think you want etc. Concentrate on life now, what you want for you and your child and go from there.
Above all, be kind to yourself and remember you're only human and history doesn't always have to repeat itself. We do have the ability to make our own choices sometimes xxx

So I went to the solicitors today and i was told to pretty much take half the property as I'm not even entitled to that much. I said he's even offered for me to buy him out for slightly less than market value and he basically said even better, take it. It's going to cost £800 for the divorce and for all of that put in writing and made official. He says I'm not entitled to legal aid or anything unless there was domestic abuse and my husband had been charged for it this is not the route I want to take as it will involve social workers etc
I'm now seriously thinking about buying him out. I know getting half the money will affect my benefits too which will mess things up. I've listed my reasons for not buying him out but is it because everything is so raw atm. He messaged me again last night asking if I wanted to buy him out, he's desperate for me to buy him out.

All the people telling their stories of how they went on to find their happiness and that blended families can work, thankyou, your giving me hope

Fabulous. Buyer's market my dear

Buy him out then in a year or two, sell it and but your dream home.

You could buy him out and then rent out the house, if you desperately don’t want to live in it.

Hi,
Well done for seeing a solicitor. It's quite scary and be quite intimidating at first.
My husband and I never wanted a solicitor involved at all when we separated either, but that was him not wanting to pay money out.
You have a few options to think about.
If you have a supportive family as you say,
Ask for support in child minding.
Perhaps look for more hours.
You say the house was in his family, is that inheritance, so is there a mortgage on it.
I'm sure your solicitor has asked you this.
I will say though that if you can, I'd take the offer of the house.
You say it might not be worth much, but you could take it, and once you start building up your life with your son, in time you could sell it and as long as legally its done correctly, the money you make sets up for your next home.
Or you just keep it.
Your ex knows your finances situation, so you need to discuss what the offer is too. Don't agree to anything, tell him you need to think about it all first.
Again, he's desperate for you to buy him out, so play him at his own game.
But bloody well done for seeking advice. That's your phase 1 ticked off!!! Xx

Long term your healing plan might want to include doing the Freedom Programme - www.freedomprogramme.co.uk - if for no other reason than to give yourself confidence and security in the future that you can spot any abusive tendencies at a hundred paces. It's free, confidential (they don't keep attendance logs and social workers etc are never allowed to observe), and the groups are really supportive.

Once you've sorted all the immediate practical stuff I really think it could help you heal from this.

Red flag for me when a man meets me and their ex is a psycho or whatever, I make my excuses and leave!!

Agree. One thing that strikes me about abuse victims, is how long it actually takes them to speak negatively about the abuser.
In almost every situation i come across the people who off the bat slag off their ex, talk openly about them being a psycho or abusive, are usually ones guilty of that themselves.

Most people whove been through that sort of behaviour and treatment need to trust the person theyre talking to about it and will even be overly nice about the ex.

PrimalLady absolutely..... Abuse of any kind is not something easily shared. I don't share mine much. I only share when in a I understand how you feel situation.....
It can take years for the victim to even process it and talking about it is too sensitive, it bloody hurts to tell it sometimes and for ages I believed it was my fault. My self esteem was in shatters.
However, dating was an eye opener, and I was very cautious but my red flags (they're are a few) is the ex wife, partner, girlfriend talk. Gosh I could tell you some tales from that dating period in my life.
But seriously, this post, I hope its helping her sort through some things.
At least she's safe now with her mum and family.
Xx

Solicitor is right there needs to have been to abuse to receive legal aid for divorce. He is totally wrong that DH needs to have been charged for it. What else is he wrong about I wonder?

www.gov.uk/government/collections/sample-letters-to-get-evidence-of-domestic-violence

Had a look at this.... Then the link opens up more information.

It's annoying I know. I went to my solicitor just as this was being enforced, and I remember his words, unless my husband has physically hurt me, unless it's logged with a professional such as a doctor, police, social worker, dv worker, housing professional then I couldn't get help.

I haven't worked as a dv officer for about 2 years,whilst doing my law degree and I know the law changes and practices change.
Lemoncup there are support groups which will be in your area and I'll have a look. Someone has posted about the freedom project and I do urge you to look at this too.
It's extremely informative and will help you with a lot. Especially his toxic behaviour.
Keep posting too, because there is so much help from others, I wish I'd have had this when I was going through it, but I think I didn't even think at the time, but just reading posts on here, there's some amazing ladies offering support and advice. I think for now, try and get something sorted with the house, in the end it's what I did and the divorce came later.
Take care xx

Sorry I haven't replied, the past few days have been hard.
I'm still totally undecided on what I should do about our home, I was there the other day and I just broke down. It was once a home filled with love and laughter and now it is so cold. He practically lives with his gf at her parents house so the bed is still made from 2months ago, nothing has really been touched, he took all my personal touches down in a rage so there's just his décor remaining. It doesn't feel like my home anymore and it breaks my heart. I've been desperately thinking of ways to change the décor to make it completely different and fresh. Even though I refurbed the whole house just 2 years ago ready to start our family!

I kept my abuse a secret for 10years to just about everyone. One person knew the full extent and that was because they lived with us on and off for a few years and witnessed it. I also brushed it off, I feel like because it was just a push to begin with and then it progressed it just became normal to me. This is the sad truth, I was watching a programme with that one person who knew, where someone was hung, my friend said it must be awful and I said well you know what its like to be strangled.... I just stopped. Of course she didn't know what it was like because its not normal, that was one of the first times I properly sat and thought that I was in a abusive relationship and its not fully sunk in yet tbh. None of this has.

I've glanced at the freedom but I will definitely have a good look at it.
Right now I feel like I will never trust another man, especially now I have a child.

Hey,

Im not in your situation but something I always try and keep in my mind is you are an individual. You are not your parents/stepparents etc so this won’t be the same for you and your son now. you have all the power to make the decisions and do what’s right for you and you son. You sound very together to me, sort your job and enjoy your child. F”@k him and more fool her.

Good luck xxxxx