Is he cheating or am I paranoid???

[Baggyb94]

Really hoping you lovely ladies can help .....

Bit of background info . Been with my OH 7 years TTC first baby.
In February I found messages on his phone to two different women . (Women one) he was asking if she wanted to be in his bed.
(Women two) He was asking if they could meet .
I asked him about these and he said it was just a joke so I let it lie

Weekend after he was messaging women 2 again . I blocked and deleted her number and blocked her on his FB only to find a few days later she had created a group on fb and was messaging him again (only them two in group) so he’d unblocked her obviously I hit the roof.

Then women 3 he got his friend to take him 14 miles away to pick her up from a night out (found messages) he was telling her he cared about her ect

Tonight . Messaged women 3 asking why they didn’t go out of town ect and then checked she’d got home

Women 4 - I called him about 1am to see where he was and he said he was walking home , i offered to pick him up and he said he was nearly home 25 mins later he got in . It’s a 10 min walk . I asked him where he’d been and he just said out , said he walked home alone .
Something didn’t seem right so I looked at his phone now he’s passed out drunk .... women 4 messaged him saying thank you for walking me home (sent at 1.34) he replied it’s ok I will always look after you .

I hadn’t heard from him since 8:30 until I called him . But he’s been messaging women 3+4 since 9pm 😡

Sorry for the long post . I am the jealous type because I’ve been cheated on before and I’m very insecure about myself. He’s promised before he won’t message these girls again but here we are again . I’ve conftinted him tonight but he’s drunk and it will cause an argument so I’ve come to sleep on the sofa . I know before I see him in the morning he will have deleted the messages and deny it all

Your story is heartbreaking but you would be even more helpless if you had a baby with this heartless lying cheat.
What about a live in job where accommodation is included? Summer is upon us and people need help with their children. Or caring for a elderly but not disabled person.
My friends sister has a live in carer. She has a large house and pays her to live in and act as a sort of companion. She does not need personal care. We looked at the idea for my MiL and the pay was £7/800 a week with personal care.
Adverts are in a magazine called ‘The Lady’ some allow you to continue your own part time job. It would give you time to reassess your life and find something else.

Depends what sort of qualifications / experience OP has in that area. People advertising in The Lady (my mum used to) would seem less likely to take on a newbie. Gumtree or Care.com could be other places to look, and also have ads for cleaning work.

Why don't you look for a house share or bedsit? Long term it doesn't make sense to stay in a house owned by his relatives. And it'll make it that much more awkward separating.

Don't stay with him. And if you do, sort out contraception. A baby would be a very bad idea.

Can your sister put you up for a while whilst you work out a plan ? Or could she help you get a house share somewhere?

How long have you been living in his home ?
Where did you live before this ?

Yes, please stop TTC. He will leave you in the exact situation you’re in now but with a child to support as well. MN can help you make a plan to get away from him. Don’t ever let men talk to you like that, let alone lie to you and cheat on you.

Something didn’t seem right so I looked at his phone now he’s passed out drunk ....

Just been back up to take photos and surprise surprise he’s changed his password so I used his fingerprint to unlock the phone and the messages are gone

How is he drunk and passed out but deleting his messages and changing his password?

Ok, so he’s a drunk, cheater, liar, untrustworthy, secretive.

And you were planning to have a baby with this man?

Please don’t. Just leave him.

Yes he's a cheat and you're obsessed. It's not healthy to be checking up on him all the time, blocking women on HIS FB, waiting till he's asleep to use his fingerprint to open his 'phone..

So dysfunctional. End it.

You're not paranoid.

@fivelittleduckies he’s a big drinker he will pass out for an hour or so where you wouldn’t be able to wake him up and then he will wake up like nothing ever happened

Christ, how worn down do you have to be to write down all that degradation at the hands of your partner, and then ask at the end if problem is you.

Honestly, objectively, and with no offence intended, that's fucked. I hope this is the moment when you realise it.

Update

I’ve driven 400 miles away and sleeping in my car , until I can get into a hostel tomorrow. I’ve walked out of a house where I owned everything to only having my car , dog and clothes on my back

Bloody hell! I hope you'll be able to get a decent night's sleep.

BTW you should know that you can't claim JSA if you've voluntarily left a job. (If you didn't know that and it changes your plans, I'm sure there's still enough time to go back after taking a day off sick when you're travelling back there.)

Also local councils won't generally accept an application as homeless unless you have a prior connection to the area. (Though of course you may be in an area where you have close relatives, which may count.)

Wow, you have definitely done the right thing. What an absolute arsehole.

You are so brave, please don’t go back.

This is so sad
I wish there was a way you could get some help?
Do you have any money on you ?
How about air bnb ?

I know it's too late now but I think I would have stayed at least until I had enough money to make some sort of plan ?
You say you have a puppy?
You can't sleep in your car ?
Why won't the council help her if she says she has fled dv - which she has ! This is still abuse - so it falls under the definition of dv
So surely you are entitled to some sort of help?

Great you've left but I hope you will be ok? Is the place 400 miles away somewhere you have links to?

❤️good luck op

And I'm sorry but she hasn't left a job voluntarily
She had no choice
And they will take each application on its own merit
When I was in a job I had to leave I called them and they said as long as I had good reason to leave
( the boss was a bully and she didn't care as she was a one man band ) I left handed my notice in and within the week of my paid notice I luckily got a job
So what I am saying is if you have good reason to leave
This this poster DOES
Then she will be accepted for jsa
Blimey a girl is sleeping in her car with her puppy who has driven 400 miles away, you are brave

However you need to have a plan and if that meant staying to get your ducks in a row then is driving back an option ?

Well done for leaving. Nobody deserves that.

But now what, she can't sleep in her car?
I agree leaving is the best option of course, but not the way it's done ?
You said you were gonna talk to ty family member ?
Let him go and you claim/sort yourself out/save what ever it takes for you to start your own life?
What's the connection 400 miles away if you have no friends or family ? None of this makes sense

Definition of domestic abuse councils would use for housing applications: www.gov.uk/guidance/homelessness-code-of-guidance-for-local-authorities/chapter-21-domestic-abuse

He may have been doing some of those things. And he may have started making threats / being violent today, in which case it certain;y makes sense to go to another area. But cheating isn't listed.

Do not have a baby with this man.

If you stay wil him you will be entering a life of pure misery.

Get out, get out, get out!

If it's a case of fleeing to a random area because of domestic violence, rather than somewhere with a local connection, then:
-better to go somewhere that isn't a Universal Credit area yet because you can get benefits through sooner
-Wales gives priority housing need to people homeless due to domestic abuse, whereas England doesn't england.shelter.org.uk/legal/homelessness_applications/Homelessness_in_Wales/priority_need_categories