What do I/you get out of the relationship

[farquart]

Just that really, it was a question put to another poster who was struggling within their relationship but made me think what do I get from mine, so after thinking about it for a while I struggled to put much to be honest even though I'm not particularly unhappy either. So can I ask what you do all get from your relationship, what makes you stay together?

I have never been happy with a man. They have all been selfish and demanding. I prefer to live alone now.
You need to write a list with pros and cons on both sides of the page and then decide what you can both do about all the issues to make things better.
If the cons weigh heavily against the for you are probably in the wrong relationship.

My fiance is a lovely kind man who adores me. It doesn't sound like you're very happy in your relationship op if you can't think of anything good about it.

I found this tricky to begin with we've been together 19 years so it's hard to separate stuff out but
He cares for me and respects me. He supports me. He makes me laugh and is my best friend. He provides for me (I always worked prior to having ds and now Home Ed so he is our income source) but he has always treated me as an equal and never once begrudged me anything. We're compatible most of the time......he's good company. I guess the upshot is I wouldn't still be with him if we weren't equals who loved each other for who we are. He has allowed me to be who I want to be with someone supporting me on the way.

Shoxfordian I didn't say I couldn't think of anything I said I couldn't think of much.

I was thinking more in terms of breaking it down as in what he/she does for you as a partner not just yes he loves and adores me sort of thing.

It is tricky Pashazade to break it down when you've been together such a long time, I've been with DH over 20 years.

Company. If I was on my own would I be going out for meals alone? Cinema alone? Holidays? Days out? No I wouldn't. Life would be sad and boring.
Work around the house. Cutting the grass, bins out, washing up, cleaning the kitchen, changing bedsheets, feeding pets.
Driving - he does most of the driving.

Great sex life.
He’s amazing at DIY and can fix anything around the house.
We have the same sense of humour.
He’s supportive with my health issues and helps me out.

Plenty of things that irritate me about him too, but on the whole he’s pretty great

My dp is fun to be around, he makes me laugh, he helps me with everything and quit his job to start our business working from
Home.

He looks after me in every way he can, and we have an amazing sex life

I can't think of any cons

Singlenotsingle company is a good pro although I think I'd probably make more of an effort worth friends if DH wasn't around.

DH cuts the grass all the time

DH does the driving although I'm more then capable but he prefers his driving

He is supportive at times, such as I've had a couple of bereavements whilst together and couldn't have asked for more from him but then a few months back I had to change my job and one day had a particularly bad day and just needed to vent, he told me I was being pathetic and to get over myself (it was stupid thing to be upset over but I was obviously feeling a bit emotional)

Do you mean actual practical things he does?
He sorts out all the washing
He tidies up the flat
He takes the rubbish out
He unloads the dishwasher more than I do

Your op cuts the grass and does the driving but then if he prefers driving he's not really doing it for you.

Here is what I get out of my relationship...

Someone who is as committed to our life together as I am, that means housework, parenting, social life, financially, the lot. We have the same aims in mind and are good at working together to get there.

Someone to play with. We can be super silly together and that is important to me.

He shares many of my interests and his likes that differ from mine are complementary (for example, I like knitting, he likes making electronic gadgets, but we both enjoy creating something).

We have a great sex life.

He enjoys talking with me and I enjoy talking to him. We talk about everything, all of the time.

He is quite happy to call me out on dickish behaviour, I do the same for him. It makes us both better people.

He is a real grown up - so many men (including my exH) just aren't.

He is a wonderful emotional support. Recently I had a 'threatened miscarriage' at 13 weeks and he was logically supportive in a way that suits me perfectly.

He makes me feel loved. Really properly feel it.

We have our problems, totally, but the basics of our relationship are super solid.

I get to spend every day hanging out with someone who is both my very best friend and absolute love of my life. I get to spend time with someone who is hilariously funny and the smartest person I know. I get to look as his beautiful face and marvel at how hot he is. I get great sex on tap 😂 I get someone by my side throughout the difficult moments in life who’ll always stick up for me and make me feel better. I get the practical benefits of pooling our resources so I don’t have to do everything alone and have more financial stability on two incomes than I would alone. I just get a sense of peace around him. He’s the best. A brilliant partner, amazing human being, great housemate, lover, supporter. There’s nobody I’d rather spend time with even though I have a group of amazing friends too.

Then again we’ve only been together two years 😂 so I’d be worried if we weren’t still in the honeymoon period! I know things change over time, but I’m very happy with how our foundations are going.

Must be tricky when you’ve been together so long OP... what do you love or like about him?

I get loads from my relationship, he's my best friend, he makes me laugh, we have very similar priorities and goals and are heading the same direction, we're a team, he's a fantastic dad and a fantastic husband

I started a similar thread about marriage as I'm trying to save mine ... I think it's good to think of what you get out of it because otherwise it's all too easy to focus on what's not right; so here goes:

He sweeps up & mops the floors.
He does the dishes sometimes.
He puts on washes.
He takes the dog for walks.
He talks to me and tells me about his day.
He's good with sharing responsibility of parenthood.
He gets on well with my family.
He comes to weddings/occasions with me.
He dances with me at weddings.
We watch our favourite TV series together.

I've wracked my brain completely & that's everything.

I get loads out of my relationship. I genuinely enjoy spending time with my husband, he's lovely - kind, interesting, chatty, fun etc etc etc. I would be lost without him. My DH is a rare thing though, based on posts on here - he's never petty, never moody, never lazy, does at least 50% of the housework and childcare, works hard but prioritises our family, talks to me and listens when I talk. I don't think he's unusual really, but most men you read about on here are horrible!

I have been unhappily married before though and this time I chose my partner based on a totally opposite set of criteria to the first one!

I have been unhappily married before though and this time I chose my partner based on a totally opposite set of criteria to the first one!

Good on you! Sounds like you struck gold. Maybe it takes a dud marriage to make space for a great one!

I do think you can learn a lot from a 'bad' relationship, particularly if the reason it was bad is because you weren't well suited.

Yeah ... that's true ... compatibility is everything. I never argue with friends or family yet my DH & I are constantly arguing. It's sad.

He makes me a better person by inspiring me to do more things with his relentless passion for being active. If left to my own devices I'm quite happy being a home body yet now I socialise so much more, do more sports and generally do a lot more living the crap out of life! And I get to do all of these things with my best friend which in turn makes us closer. In reverse I feel I have lots to teach him too as he is learning to relax and that he is allowed to rest and put things off if he needs to. We are in our 30s and still growing together

We argue quite a lot, he's very moody but then again so am I. We definitely are heading in different directions in life and that really gets to him, he wants me to want the same as him but I just don't.

He is very truthful even if it hurts someone.

@farquart Snap on all counts!

I was thinking more in terms of breaking it down as in what he/she does for you as a partner not just yes he loves and adores me sort of thing.

The problem is that I could list all the practical activities that my DH understates in our household and they could match exactly with another poster’s list.

But I’m blissfully happy with my DH and she could be miserable with hers.

“what you get out of a relationship” isn’t about dishes, cooking and someone to take out the bins.

What you get out of a relationship should be all the emotional mooshy stuff you don’t want to hear about from Shox.

The fact that your DH does all the laundry won’t make you happy if you don’t love each other, don’t communicate well and aren’t kind to each other.

DH and I have been together nearly 30 years. We’re still best friends, we still have great fun together, we can still talk all night. He’s the love of my life.

You can find a flat mate to split chores with. A marriage or long term relationship should be about more than that.

NonaGrey to be fair I was thinking about both the emotional and practical, you can be all loved up but still unhappy with the lack of practical help a partner brings to a relationship which could then cause issues.

It is so hard isn't it Curiousquestioning I'm struggling to work out if I stay with my DH due to love, habit, financial or due to the DC.

farquart I think that’s right, selfish, lazy behaviour can chip away at a relationship (and not just romantic ones) until the emotional bond is damaged.

The problem is, there isn’t an “ideal” set of behaviours which leads to happiness. Different couples are happy with different arrangements.

What I get from my relationship:

Love (I feel completely and unconditionally loved by my husband)
Support
Affection
Companionship
Help - with everything from the everyday things around the house to emotional support
Respect
I feel very lucky every day but often wonder what my husband gets out of this relationship as I’m currently struggling with MH issues and don’t feel I deserve all of his love and support.

Companionship, he looks after me and my kids, parents- gives us an amazing life. He puts everyone else before himself, is incredibly well respected and I couldn’t be prouder of him.