What do I/you get out of the relationship

[farquart]

Just that really, it was a question put to another poster who was struggling within their relationship but made me think what do I get from mine, so after thinking about it for a while I struggled to put much to be honest even though I'm not particularly unhappy either. So can I ask what you do all get from your relationship, what makes you stay together?

I know this sounds crazy but a lot of the time I'm not unhappy maybe this is because it's my normal even though I have come to realise it shouldn't be, maybe it's because it's not all the time, he can be a good man at times.

Yes he has been physically abusive to me in the past although not for many years.

I get someone to laugh and joke with who has years of shared in jokes with me. To looo at his relationship with DC nd let my heart melt. The space to work part tome because he works full time. The legitimacy that comes, albeit unfairly, with being part of a couple plus invites to couple things like dinner parties, someone to holiday with, etc. He is a pita but he is MY pita

It's your decision what you want to put up with but you're showing your children an example of a relationship and they're already noticing that they have to choose the right things so they don't upset dad. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to? Again, calling women's aid would be a good idea. I know you've put up with this for 20 years but do you want to be controlled for the rest of your life? He has potential to be violent to you again and to your children. Is this really what you want?

Shoxfordian I have recently opened up to a friend and she had said I can use her address as a postal address to register for a local council property which I am going to do, unfortunately I don't have the funds to private rent which I'm sure would be much quicker, all our finances are joint so he would notice money going missing especially as we don't have a lot of spare either.

I've always thought of woman's aid as something for woman in real danger and I'm not in any danger so feel I would be wasting their valuable resources.

How do you feel @farquart? Do you feel like this has reached a head? Do you feel ready fir better?

It's alarming your DH has been physically violent towards you...

I don't know much about Women's Aid but surely there'd be someone there you could talk to about your situation. You could say that you're in a controlling relationship that has been physically violent in the past and could do with some unbiased advice. You could ask if you're ringing the right place (even though I'm sure you are).

I've looked on the website for women's aid

It says

"I’m not sure I should call, I’m not in danger"

Then this is the best time to call. It is best to start looking at a relationship that is or may be abusive before you are at a high risk of harm.

You can explore in safety and confidence with the helpline worker what is worrying you in terms of your partner or family member’s behaviour towards you, to make plans if you need for your future safety.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/#1447938436894-c75d2618-2529

You definitely wouldn't be wasting their resources

To be totally honest Curiousquestioning I don't know how I feel, I probably aren't really ready to leave but it won't be an overnight thing trying to get a property so at least registering is a start for when it does come to a head.

I don't feel unsafe with him, yes he has been violent in the past on a few occasions but not for many years. I only feel nervous when he is shouting in temper and occasionally threatens violence.

It's more I want to make my own decisions and be my own person, not have my children worrying over how their dad is going to react to things.

It's more I want to make my own decisions and be my own person, not have my children worrying over how their dad is going to react to things.

I think this is really important.

I can see why you'd want to be your own person. It's not up to him to decide what anyone wears!

Are you afraid of him? Would you be afraid to retaliate in an argument?

It sounds very hard on you.

No I'm not afraid to retaliate Curiousquestioning and neither are my DC now they are getting older, unfortunately this can make things worse and makes any arguments even more prolonged

I don't think either of us are happy in her relationship at the moment the kids put a huge strain on our relationship but I am happy being my own person and I don't need him (I think it would be the same in any relationship) I enjoy my own company and reading and I am very independent and so is he. He does nothing with us. We have been told several times by both sets of parents that these 18 or so years you put the kids first he doesn't but tat is a different story!! However he does all the housework, financial paperwork, holiday booking etc. But he never does the kids and this is our main issue. We keep discussing splitting up but when we are alone, which is extremely rare, as long as we don't talk about our relationship we have such fun and enjoy each others company so much. But from a purely selfish point of view I like having a housekeeper and the fact I don't have to worry about doing it. He wouldn't have the children at all if we split so I wouldn't get a break - so I will stick it out. Life is very mundane but if we split life would be even harder as I really would have to do everything. My parents have this wonderful life now and when we were younger they barely spoke to each other and there was no affection shown at all - as my dad says bringing up kids is the hardest thing you will ever do and he will say for those 16 or so years they just got in with it.

My dh and I didn't argue much and were neither prone to sulking, sex was quite vanilla but always good, he was tall, good looking and intelligent, and very easy going, which I thought was a good example for me, as I tend to worry. Neither of us were the jealous type and we gave each other space. He mowed the lawn, took the rubbish out, sorted out the car and did the driving, worked hard all day. So if I ever had negative thoughts about the relationship over the 20 years we were together, I'd remind myself of all those positive points and how great they were, and feel bad for casting doubt on it. I like to be a positive person.

So when the children were young and my going back to work didn't work out, because he did so much overtime that I couldn't even get an evening job, and he never took time off when the kids were ill, so my employer got fed up with me taking time off ... I reminded myself that I was lucky because of all the other things he brought to the relationship, and felt bad for complaining.

And when I did get a job, and told him about an order I had got, and he smiled benevolently and hilariously joked that he would soon be able to retire ... I felt bad for thinking that he was patronising, as I really couldn't complain. There were so many positive points.

Just as a couple of examples.

So then after 20 years he found another woman and treated me like crap. And now I can look back without feeling I have to remind myself of all the positive points. Sure, there were many positive points. But there were also many negative points that I shouldn't have put up with just out of a feeling of gratitude for the good things, and guilt over complaining about someone who "brought so much into the relationship". Guilt which was pretty much encouraged by my dh.

I now have a boyfriend; we have no plans to move in together or anything but are both enjoying the bf/gf relationship. So he doesn't take the bins out or anything. He's not super good-looking. But even so, I can think of a dozen great things he brings into the relationship. I'm a positive person, I can always think of things. But now I am also watching out for the negative things, too, and checking whether those are things I am willing to put up with. And if not, I'm out.