What do I/you get out of the relationship

[farquart]

Just that really, it was a question put to another poster who was struggling within their relationship but made me think what do I get from mine, so after thinking about it for a while I struggled to put much to be honest even though I'm not particularly unhappy either. So can I ask what you do all get from your relationship, what makes you stay together?

It's hard to know where to start. DH is my soul mate. We love each other unconditionally. I have almost died twice (both times on life support in icu for weeks.) He was there always there, including a very long recovery doing everything for me for months, despite still working full time. We never run out of conversation and although we don't agree on all things, that's ok too. We are equals in all things and support each other but not blindly. He is protective but never jealous. He makes all things better and is a fantastic father. I dread to think of a life without him. The sex is fantastic too, even after 23 years of marriage. There's so much more but you get the idea.

I think reading all of these makes me realise that whilst my marriage isn't all bad we certainly have a lot of issues, such as

I feel loved but also a bit like a possession, my DH likes to be super involved but that at times makes me feel suffocated, he is quite insecure but would never admit to it, he thinks it's normal in a relationship to need to know every little detail about each other, to be upset if I've messaged a friend more times in a day then I have him.

I've had a few health issues lately and he was totally there for me but whilst I wanted to keep it quiet until we knew the full extend of the issue from family/DC/friends he felt that they should know so told them without me being there.

He tells me all the time he loves me and still fancies me but is quick to point out my faults and he definitely doesn't put it in a nice way, such as if I wore a dress he didn't like he would bluntly say you look shit in that, in fact he's very critical of how I look and dress.

@NonaGrey

DH and I have been together nearly 30 years. We’re still best friends, we still have great fun together, we can still talk all night. He’s the love of my life

I actually cried reading the above...maybe I'm going soft from trying to cut down on biscuits or maybe you've just summed up what I do not have & really wish I did.

@farquart My DH is blunt & critical too! He has also told people things I specifically asked him not to.

Unlike you though, he very rarely tells me he loves or fancies me. He will say 'you look good' when I get dressed up but on the whole, I get more compliments from others than him.

He's not in to the detail the way yours is though & couldn't care less who I text! He knows I'm on MN but would have no interest in ever figuring out my username etc!

I don't know! Should we run for the hills? Or would the hills be colder & windier? I'm comfortable enough here

Past and current relationships;

A best friend - ability to tell each other everything
Fun and spontaneity - midnight cycle rides, sex in the park, dancing wildly together in a packed club as if you were the only two people there, concerts. Art galleries
great sex - no inhibitions, experimentation, spending the day in bed naked making love and a connection like no other
mutual interests and loving each other enough to take up the other persons hobbies
support - when the chips are down always being able to rely upon them
cuddles - it makes me feel safe and loved

I sound completely wet but these are some of the things I have/had.

He's my best friend. We can talk about anything - his job, my work, politics, people we know, how much we fancy the arse off one another, our (not mutual) children, psychology, stupid crap, provide emotional support, the merits of different coffee shops, books, silly jokes, and all our shared interests.

We don't live together, and I don't think we ever will, because for me it might spoil what we have, that it might become bogged down in the mundane & practical (not to mention difficulties of geography & children). But he gives me something I'd never had before - a real sense of being fulfilled. We support each another 100%, because despite being from very different backgrounds, we just see the world the same way. He opens up my eyes to new horizons & I explain things to him.

With him, I realised that my ex & I just 'settled' for one another. This is very different, and he says he feels like he's seen me blossom since we first met. It's how I feel too.

Curious I’m so sorry to have made you feel sad. I want to send you some very unmumsnetty

We do recognise how fortunate we are.

Curiousquestioning is your DH controlling at all I believe mine is and that is also when the bluntness and critical ness really hits a high when either I or the DC don't agree with him.

He knows I look at Mumsnet not that I have an account, he wouldn't like that or at least he would want me to discuss with him first same as any social media.

I'm definitely wondering whether I should run for the hills but it's a hell of a step and I'm not sure I'm brave enough or if it's even the right step especially for my DC.

@farquart I agree...not sure if it'd be the right step for me or my DC either...

I'm not sure if he's controlling. He does get fairly het up over certain things I do, how much I drink (I have a glass of wine with dinner most evenings but I'm trying to stop as he says I have 'a serious problem.' It'll help with weight loss too though so I'm happy to stop). He pushes me to do more which is good but he can be quite blunt & forceful in his approach. Last night it was the house. The night before drink. The night before how little I did with my day...I have many friends though whose husbands push them in the same way. When we are getting on, it feels like a good partnership. He's proactive & motivated & very practical. I'm more romantic but he shows me no romance whatsoever!

Thanks @NonaGrey

He wouldn't want you to have a social media account without asking him first? He's controlling. Why do you want to live in such a controlled way? Freedom tastes good op

Without wanting to sound too corny- he is my other half

I don't have to ask his permission as such Shoxfordian but yes he would want to know I was setting up an account and would be quite opinionated if he didn't agree with it, he had also on occasion looked at my friends list on FB and asked questions about who they are if he doesn't know them and sometimes gets annoyed and says he feels like he doesn't know me if there is a lot he doesn't know.

So would you say that is controlling, would be good to hear someone else's point of view on it.

Yes I would

My partner doesn't care who is on my friend list on Facebook. He probably has never even looked at it.
It seems like your husband is quite jealous, you said he treats you like property. I wouldn't be able to put up with a man like this for 5 minutes.

I get a lot of love and a huge amount of support. He's very practical and can fix most things. He's amazing in a crisis. He's calm where I'm stressy (we're good for each other, he's too laid back). He's funny, likes similar things and I love his company. He's the only man I enjoy sleeping in a bed with, in previous relationships it's irritated me sharing a bed. He's kind to people and animals. He's not perfect- there's plenty about him that bugs me sometimes, as I'm sure there are about me for him, but we're a good team.

He does sound controlling. Mine doesn't care about social media, he has no interest in it himself. He gets irritated if I post pics of him, he likes to mind his own business.

It's good to get other peoples views on things.

DH thinks I'm secretive so gets easily wound up when he doesn't know things about my life or that of DC.

He likes to have the final say on things such as if I go clothes shopping for either myself or DC, and he doesn't like what we've bought he makes it known and quite nastily at times, we then end up taking things back because he makes us feel bad for keeping things when he doesn't like them.

I stay with mine because we are a team, we get on very well, he treats me very well in every sense.

I'm so happy we are together. I never have to worry about where he is, what he's doing etc.

I hope we get to spend the rest of our lives together.

Based on your last paragraph op you have my deepest sympathy.

This is so controlling op
Horrible.
How do you live with this?

Shoxfordian probably because having lived with it for over 20 years I don't know anything different. Also it's not all the time so during the good times I forget the bad times, does worry me though when I go shopping with DC who are getting older now and the things they always ask is 'do you think dad will like it'

How do you feel about it? Do you feel he's unreasonable and controlling? Would you want another 20 years of it or for your children to end up with someone like it? Sorry for all the questions.

No need to apologise Shoxfordian this is what I need, someone to help me to question myself as well if that makes sense.

I dislike the way he is, I do feel he is unreasonable and controlling but I have nothing to compare it with, this is my only ever proper relationship.

I hate the way he is with the DC, I'm old enough to ignore a lot of it but the DC aren't and I worry that they will end up being like him or end up with someone like him because they think it's the norm even though I tell them it isn't

We have been together 7 years. My wife and my marriage sustain, comfort and enrich me. She is utterly supportive and patient. She is interested in what I say and feel and believe. In the last 4 years, she has given me 2 wonderful children, which at my age is a joy. She loves and respects my adult daughter. She does her fair share and more of shopping/house/child stuff. The mental load is divided fairly between us. She strokes my hair/head every single night which makes me fall blissfully asleep. She holds me tight in the safety of her constant love when I flail my way through grief and mental health crap. She is clever and enthusiastic and really very beautiful. I love being with her. I feel my best and real self in her company.

From the comments on here, you can see that although it's your normality because he's the only man you've been with that it isn't other people's normality. It's not just how men are or how relationships work or something you have to put up with. Would you consider calling womens aid for some advice? He does sound controlling and potentially abusive. Has he ever been physically abusive to you or your children? I'm hoping this is helpful, not aiming to have a go or anything but your relationship sounds unhealthy to me and you sound very unhappy.