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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Injured partner,OLD and messed up

65 replies

Imessedupbigtime · 21/07/2018 21:36

So I have messed up big time and don't know what to do. A bit long this but the Backstory is my OH has always been a bit of a joker and he is among a group of friends who are all like it as well. He works with a couple of them and was in the Army with another so all like chalk and cheese. On Friday morning one of my friends texts me to say have you and xxx split up.... So I called her as thought where has that come from, and after a bit of awkward talking she said she well she had seen his profile on a OLD site-she is recently single so on there looking in the local area. Obviously I go off have a look and finally find him on there and by then I am exploding as last year my sister had a nasty split through cheating which ended in a really bad time for her and me as I helped her through it. So when I finally catch up with him (made him come from home from work) I was absolutely mad-well it turns out him and his stupid mates were having a Competition to see who could make the most daft but amazing profile and the winner is the one who gets the most messages in seven days without messaging anyone. He is beside himself as he said it is was a harmless bit of fun but I was not convinced as I said even if it was what about genuine women looking to meet someone who are being made a fool of by a prick like you and your mates. So anyways I found myself getting more and more annoyed with his constant 'Calm down,calm down you are taking this out of hand' and I don't know what made me do it but with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand the mug and its contents ended being thrown at him and I did not miss. He went out the door and that was yesterday,and only the contact I have had is from his sister saying 'OMG you have really burnt him' I have to add I trust him and am now thinking I have really messed up as this is just another one of his childish moments. He has also never stayed away from the house in six years of marriage so I am a little concerned as the DC saw what I did and I have no history of acting like that ever. I also have his phone so he can't contact me and have just looked right through it and see he has three messages on this site and am thinking I will delete it. I really would like to contact the so called friends as well and tell them I will contact their partners and see what they think as well.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/07/2018 21:41

Crikey - aren't you worried about scalding him?

AnyFucker · 21/07/2018 21:42

Well, I don't believe his bullshit but throwing a coffee cup at him hardly paints you in a good light

You have now given him the perfect excuse to paint himself as victim and you look like you are going to grovel to a liar because of your violence

What a fucking mess

AlwaysSleepy1 · 21/07/2018 21:49

I'm not really sure what to say...your reaction was terrible and quite frankly if he'd done that to you I would be telling you he's abusive and to call the police...his personality/behaviour makes you so angry that you physical injure him ... do both of you a favour and end it.

Singlenotsingle · 21/07/2018 21:49

A bit of over reaction, don't you think? Do you believe him? Have you seen any of the other blokes' profiles?

Slightlyjaded · 21/07/2018 21:49

I'm not sure what you are looking for? Reassurance that your behaviour was justified (it wasn't) although your anger was. A view on whether you H is speaking the truth? I have no idea - he and his mates sound very immature tbh, so maybe. But equally maybe not. If there were a few of them competing and they are all from the same area, it's funny that you only found your H? Where are their profiles?

Perhaps start by apologising for throwing coffee at him, but not for being angry. And then - don't mention that you are looking for his friends profiles - he will say they deleted them, but have a look yourself.

Ryder63 · 21/07/2018 21:51

If he was on OLD genuinely looking for women - he is despicable.
If it was a 'prank' with his mates - him and they are despicable.

Neither scenario excuse what you did, and there will be repercussions if he tells the police or goes to hospital as your DC witnessed it, and SS will become involved.

WonderfulWonders · 21/07/2018 21:57

There's no way that was a prank but jeez you've not behaved well...

confusedscared2018 · 21/07/2018 22:05

I can understand how in the heat of the moment this can happen. It's probably best not to have things at hand when you're angry to avoid the urge to throw. I think you need to check on his safety and well being. I do however, do NOT believe his bullshit story excuse for the profile at all!!!

Flaminghaggis · 21/07/2018 22:08

Eek I hope he’s ok

noselimit · 21/07/2018 22:10

You have seriously assaulted him. What a nasty thing to do.

Irrespective of what happened you are lucky he hasn't called the police.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 21/07/2018 22:10

Was his profile “out there” like he claimed?

noselimit · 21/07/2018 22:11

can understand how in the heat of the moment this can happen.

What bollocks: it's assault.

MariePoppins1 · 21/07/2018 22:12

There is no excuse for violence, including domestic violence.

Urbanbeetler · 21/07/2018 22:14

Perfect example of the passive voice being used to avoid taking full responsibility for choices.

You can’t throw scalding coffee at people.

But I also agree his excuse was pathetic.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 21/07/2018 22:14

Regardless of what gone on the fact is this relationship has gone toxic

stevesmithsmum · 21/07/2018 22:16

What resonates with me is your apparent lack of concern that you may well have genuinely injured him.

As to "believing" him, who knows? But I tend to think it was simply a prank given his mates seem to have profiles too. It’s a dumbarse prank by man children, but there you go.

AgentProvocateur · 21/07/2018 22:19

What a mess. You realise that if he reports the assault (as he should) that you’re quite likely to get a visit from social services as your DC witnessed your violence? I don’t think there’s anything left to salvage in this relationship.

Samewitches · 21/07/2018 22:19

You threw a cup of hot coffee at him in front of your children?! And you're more concerned about telling his friends' partners the stupidness that lies behind it? Bloody hell Shock

noselimit · 21/07/2018 22:20

Also if he did press charges it will affect tour employability forever.

WindowsSmindows · 21/07/2018 22:23

how many minutes old was the coffee? made from a kettle or a machine?
did it have milk in?
I ask so we can guess if he's scalded or not.

ballsballsballs · 21/07/2018 22:34

You assaulted him.

confusedscared2018 · 21/07/2018 22:37

It's not utter bollocks at all. It's completely unacceptable but sometimes people make snap decisions or movements in intense anger. There is support out there to help with this. I wasn't excusing it

noselimit · 21/07/2018 22:40

You said...

can understand how in the heat of the moment this can happen

Now that is bollock. You can't defend a statement like that. Assault is assault. Heat of the moment?? Pish. It's abuse. It's not an excusable action.

LovingLola · 21/07/2018 22:43

Your poor children. I feel so very sorry for them.

SomeKnobend · 21/07/2018 22:52

Prank my arse, I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, but fucking hell, you burnt him with hot coffee? What the fuck? You need to split up and not have anything to do with each other from now on.

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