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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Injured partner,OLD and messed up

65 replies

Imessedupbigtime · 21/07/2018 21:36

So I have messed up big time and don't know what to do. A bit long this but the Backstory is my OH has always been a bit of a joker and he is among a group of friends who are all like it as well. He works with a couple of them and was in the Army with another so all like chalk and cheese. On Friday morning one of my friends texts me to say have you and xxx split up.... So I called her as thought where has that come from, and after a bit of awkward talking she said she well she had seen his profile on a OLD site-she is recently single so on there looking in the local area. Obviously I go off have a look and finally find him on there and by then I am exploding as last year my sister had a nasty split through cheating which ended in a really bad time for her and me as I helped her through it. So when I finally catch up with him (made him come from home from work) I was absolutely mad-well it turns out him and his stupid mates were having a Competition to see who could make the most daft but amazing profile and the winner is the one who gets the most messages in seven days without messaging anyone. He is beside himself as he said it is was a harmless bit of fun but I was not convinced as I said even if it was what about genuine women looking to meet someone who are being made a fool of by a prick like you and your mates. So anyways I found myself getting more and more annoyed with his constant 'Calm down,calm down you are taking this out of hand' and I don't know what made me do it but with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand the mug and its contents ended being thrown at him and I did not miss. He went out the door and that was yesterday,and only the contact I have had is from his sister saying 'OMG you have really burnt him' I have to add I trust him and am now thinking I have really messed up as this is just another one of his childish moments. He has also never stayed away from the house in six years of marriage so I am a little concerned as the DC saw what I did and I have no history of acting like that ever. I also have his phone so he can't contact me and have just looked right through it and see he has three messages on this site and am thinking I will delete it. I really would like to contact the so called friends as well and tell them I will contact their partners and see what they think as well.

OP posts:
shinyredbus · 21/07/2018 22:58

You burnt Him?! Even after he explained it and you believe him? He needs to leave you - you sound violent. And you don’t even sound like your sorry. He should report you.

NLBM · 21/07/2018 22:59

You sound like you're not in the least concerned if he's hurt?

Original poster
Imessedupbigtime · 21/07/2018 23:09

Yes I have done something really stupid up and I know it. And yes to god for those who don't think I am concerned- I cant help thinking about what I have done to him as well and I cant get in touch.
I have also done something that people come on here to talk about that have been done to them physical by their partners and there is me who has done the very same.
I am truly ashamed, I really am. Even my sister has given me a hard time over what I have done and she suffered a breakdown over a breakup.

Its also not hard to believe this is a prank thinking about it either as this is the same guy who came to my work on my birthday two weeks ago disguised as a delivery driver to deliver a card and present. He's done some stupid things over the years but never nothing like this which could damage our relationship.

I feel such a fool. Last thing I would ever want is a divorce and I don't want to consider that which has been mentioned above I really don't.

OP posts:
confusedscared2018 · 21/07/2018 23:12

Try and come up with something a bit better than just swearing. I can't converse with that. Understanding something is not the same a condoning it. Get off your high horse.

shinyredbus · 21/07/2018 23:18

So you knew this could have been a prank (because he’s always been like this and you knew he was like this beforehand) and you still threw boiling hot coffee at him? Are you serious? I hope he reports you - wife or not. Your poor children - they saw all of this too? Do you generally have anger issues OP? It’s a lot to move from arguments to full on serious body harm - which is an offence.

MarthasGinYard · 21/07/2018 23:24

I don't believe that stupid little story, and tbh regardless it's pathetic and I'd want rid.

Unless you saw the other profiles of all of them there and then I'd reckon he's lying 100 percent

Original poster
Imessedupbigtime · 21/07/2018 23:26

Shinyredbus-Well whether it was a prank or not did not come into it due to the nature of what it was and what he's like. There are certain things that are not funny or remotely like that given in any way shape or form.

I have acted badly and don't really know which way to go in sorting it.

I am also talking about something that was in a different time and place to where I am now and now speaking sitting here as well.

I really feel like I am under a bus over this.

OP posts:
Iputthescrewinthetuna · 21/07/2018 23:31

You do realise you have possibly scarred him for life don't you?

This isn't about whether he cheated or not!

Cheaters are low, but abusers are lower!

Sorry, OP but if you husband has any sense he will leave you!

If a man cheats on you...cry, call him a wanker and a liar but don't burn him!

shinyredbus · 21/07/2018 23:31

Yes - @Imessedupbigtime there are somethings that are not remotely funny, throwing a cup of boiling hot coffee over him falls into that category. In fact, that’s so extreme I don’t even know what category that falls under. Even if he was cheating and you found out - throwing a cup of boiling coffee over him is assault.

Sorry OP. I don’t know how to help you. If it was me - I would expect my partner to report me and so he should.

noselimit · 21/07/2018 23:32

I don't believe that stupid little story, and tbh regardless it's pathetic and I'd want rid.

You would want rid Hmm

If my partner threw coffee over me I would be the one wanting rid

LynetteScavo · 21/07/2018 23:43

Working backwards...you got him hone from work and throw coffee on him...but he set up a dating profile for a laugh without telling you...

This is not a healthy relationship. You may not want a divorce but most people don't behave like this....it's just wrong and awful for your DC to whiteness.
His friends sound like dickheads too.

longtimelurkingtrans · 21/07/2018 23:47

I have an armed forces background and tbh does sound like some of the crappy things some do in the name of fun and laddish bravado.
as for the coffee throwing it shouldn't have happened regardless of reason and especially not in front of the kids.

Original poster
Imessedupbigtime · 21/07/2018 23:51

Well its all a big mess for me, and some points above which has cast my doubts about me as a person as well.

I suppose in way (even though I don't really know the truth yet) I thought he was up to something he shouldn't and I don't think I could face it and taken his answers at the moment in time which seemed to pathetic to be true. I mean registering on a dating site as a prank its hardly believable is it??? Or not?? I just don't know I don't.

I am posting on here when I should be trying to sort this out but don't really think I can face any of his him or any of his family at the moment.

OP posts:
Vampyress · 22/07/2018 00:30

OP you really need to step back and consider the severity of the situation. Your main priority right now shouldn't be about why your dh made the profile, getting revenge on his friends by telling their wives. Right now you need to be finding out if by losing your temper you may have committed GBH. Did his sister tell you how bad his injury was when she texted you? You seem to be clutching on to whether your husband lied to you in order to avoid considering whether you might have put yourself in a position where you might end up facing very serious assault chargesm

noselimit · 22/07/2018 00:40

^ this

Mummytoo3 · 22/07/2018 01:00

God everyone's perfect on here aren't they 😂 I'd of done more than flang coffee at him.. a wouldn't even listen to that I would contact his friends and see what they have said! - other note I hope you've no burnt him to bad 🙈

Vampyress · 22/07/2018 01:04

I have to wonder if you would find it as hilarious if the OP was a man who threw scalding hot coffee on his wife in front of the kids over what was potentially a poorly thought out practical joke?

1forAll74 · 22/07/2018 06:09

They always say,that you never know what goes on behind closed doors,and this proves it really.. Its all crazy behaviour from both of you,

SoupDragon · 22/07/2018 06:14

You have now given him the perfect excuse to paint himself as victim

What? He is the victim. The OP assaulted him!

bubbles108 · 22/07/2018 06:18

Throwing the coffee was wrong but you were angry and confused. I'd apologise by text and leave it there.

The OLD profile sounds odd, why wouldn't he tell you if it was a genuine competition- and what about those poor women who fall for it and are duped. Very very unkind.

SoupDragon · 22/07/2018 06:22

Throwing the coffee was wrong but you were angry and confused. I'd apologise by text and leave it there.

Would you say the same had a man thrown hot coffee over a woman? I think that th vast majority of posters would be advising her to go to the police if the roles were reversed.

bubbles108 · 22/07/2018 06:31

I thought about that before I answered.

I think taking the whole story into account, I would say the same thing.

I think this story does prove that we (all) need to choose our battles carefully -- chucking hot coffee because the man/woman's a twat and is on OLD is a huge over reaction.

Chucking hot coffee because you're about to be raped/physically attacked, is a reasonable defence - for both men and women

whiteroseredrose · 22/07/2018 06:57

Throwing your hot coffee at him even if he had been cheating is unacceptable. And in front of your children? Not a good example of how to deal with problems.

That'd be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

chantico · 22/07/2018 07:01

So his DSis says you've really burnted him, and you appear to have taken no steps to ascertain whether the injuries are life changing?

And your DC have seen you assault him, possibly causing life-changing injuries to him?

I agree with others that you are not admitting to yourself what you have done and how awful it is.

Forget about contacting the partners of his friends to ask if they know what their partners are up to, in the short term at last. You have bigger things to dela with. Like finding out how he is, and whether he'll be pressing charges.

And the small matter of working out what to tell the DC, which you seem to have overlooked. If they saw, you need to deal with their trauma as the first priority

TheQueef · 22/07/2018 07:05

If lobbing a hot drink at someone ever feels understandable you are in the wrong relationship.

It doesn't matter the cause, that's a fair escalation.