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Original poster

When or how did you know your relationship was over?

59 replies

NickyNora · 21/07/2018 19:03

Just that.

No DV. No cheating, no nothing really.
4 dc. 19 yrs.

Been planning seperating for months. I've money saved up.

Its time to do it but I'm scared it might be the wrong decision. What if i can't cope with tbe dc (ASD etc)?

Any words of wisdom MN?

OP posts:
Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 20:48

Best of luck to you. I haven't been in this situation so I can't advise but it sounds like you know the relationship is over but are worried about how you'll cope alone. That's totally understandable. Have confidence in your own decisions and trust your own instincts. They're usually right.

AtSea1979 · 21/07/2018 20:50

When he used to go to work and I used to daydream about getting a phone call to say he was dead.

PepperAndPops · 21/07/2018 20:51

When I started wishing he would have an affair so that a) he would be out the house more and b) so we had a definite reason to end it and not go back.

PepperAndPops · 21/07/2018 20:52

Also when he would work away and when he would phone to say he was coming home days early, my heart would sink and I'd be gutted!

Curiousquestioning · 21/07/2018 21:01

I remember with my ex, towards the end, I used to be happy when he'd cancel coming to see me (we had a long distance relationship). I think you should look forward to seeing the person. That was the beginning of the end for us.

eightfacesofthemoon · 21/07/2018 21:09

When I wished he would die in an accident on the way home and then I would...

A: get a huge amount of sympathy, I used to fantasise about a heart rending funeral

B: Not have to deal with being the evil bitch who left

C: none of it be my fault.

When I actually realised I didn’t really want him to die, and I certainly wasn’t going to murder him, the only option was to get the fuck out of dodge

myusernamewastakenbyme · 21/07/2018 21:56

When i felt lonelier with him than without.....

Lottie35 · 21/07/2018 21:58

AtSea1979 Grin

BitchQueen90 · 21/07/2018 22:06

When I started fantasizing about a life away from him. I would even look up places on rightmove working out what I could afford by myself.

I was too much of a coward to leave him until after DS was born. Weirdly that was what gave me the strength to leave.

No cheating or abuse in our situation either, we just should never have got married in the first place as we were too incompatible. We co parent now and we get along brilliantly, better than we did when we were together.

elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2018 22:12

I have had one marriage and one long term relationship. My burn the bridges point was when I realised I just didn't have any respect for either of them any more. One was very unfaithful, the other was unfaithful and I decided that having 3 Dcs to look after, I didn't need another.

Original poster
NickyNora · 21/07/2018 23:31

Thanks. Some responses have made me giggle!!

He was my best friend & we had a great physical relationship. Its been rubbish for about 5 years now.

I don't respect him or even like him.

I've had a really tough year health wise, including 2 ops & a cancer scare, he didn't even ask me if I was ok.

He changed his holidays without discussing it with me. Hes away now & i can't go due to one of our ds arrangements. So no holiday for me this year.

I keep hoping he'll meet someone & leave me.

I'm worried he'll have a heart attack or stroke & i will be left looking after him for the rest of my life. Hes morbidly obese & has severely ulcerated legs.

I sound like a total bitch. I feel like one.

OP posts:
eightfacesofthemoon · 21/07/2018 23:35

@NickyNora
Btw that shit happens. I have a friend who was deeply unhappy. Always planning on leaving then he got MS
She’s stuck with the awful abusive cunt till he dies. He still manages to abuse her from a wheelchair, and then she has to wipe his arse, which he makes as unpleasant as possible for her, because he can’t bear not to have total control anymore.

elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2018 23:38

Well NickyNora you don't respect him and by the sounds of it he doesn't respect himself either. How can you make that work? He must be depressed but he has no regard for you what so ever. Look after yourself and you Dc.

HollowTalk · 21/07/2018 23:39

When I'd hate to watch him eat, because it was keeping him alive.

Original poster
NickyNora · 21/07/2018 23:41

I've made it work for 5 years!!

When you've dc with ASD etc your choices are limited. I'm not going to have some amazing new life.

I just need to get through this before he gets sick or i go mad...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/07/2018 23:42

Ulcerated legs ?

His health is failing badly, op. Unless you want to find yourself in the position of carer for this man I suggest you get the fuck out of there ASAP

Original poster
NickyNora · 21/07/2018 23:49

Yep. Literally know its coming. He drives for a living. No exercise. Won't listen to me.

Does crap like eating everything edible & blaming kids. I cook everything as he is lazy & will order take away if i don't.

Its exactly like watching an alcoholic drink.

He wears a 46' waist trouser.
XXXL is now getting tight on him. But i can't stop him.

He won't communicate with me. So i get frustrated & ended up being a nag. Then i got angry & resentful. Now I've disengaged and saved every penny possible.

I feel responsible for him. He has no family & few friends.

OP posts:
SummerWinter · 22/07/2018 01:38

When he bought me flowers for our ten year anniversary and I didn’t want them, they just made me feel sad

Sally2791 · 22/07/2018 03:25

Took me far too many years. Still occasionally sad about it but well past the point of no return. There was blatant disregard for who I am, how I felt and coercive behaviour as well. He slowly but surely killed the love but never believed that I would leave. Good luck OP

MrsCatE · 22/07/2018 04:00

Oh shit, sending hugs OP. You need to leave. AtSea and Pepper me too! I could just about cope when he was working away but he packed that in because he wanted to spend more time with me... I ran, MNers, I ran.

duffbeergoggles · 22/07/2018 08:21

Knowing it was over and ending it happened at different times for me.

I knew it was over for me when, after I knew he'd been unfaithful and despite couples therapy, I would look at him at feel disgust. But we had DC, mortgage etc etc usual stuff.

He ended it though - when his second affair came to light and we pretty much couldn't stand the sight of each other by then; he went to be with her poor woman and I stayed put. I don't bear him any malice now though and I don't think he does me, either, although we're not in touch at all.

Original poster
NickyNora · 22/07/2018 09:21

I really wish he'd have an affair. At least someone else coukd deal with him tgem, it would free me.

Hes away on the holiday, he organised without me & its so nice him not being here.

I need to do this ASAP...

OP posts:
duffbeergoggles · 22/07/2018 10:27

Well, you know what, I wish now I hadn't waited for the final straw whatever that looked like; we had more years of misery than was sensible but then, hindsight etc and I didn't know about Mumsnet.

PoesyCherish · 22/07/2018 10:39

It sounds like you know you need to leave. And fast before you end up resentfully becoming his carer.

For me it was a combination of reasons - when he gave up his job for a petty reason - the first one he'd had in years after years of relying on me (stupid cow that I was back then!). I knew then he was never going to change. that was the final straw. But it'd been building up for a while. I think I knew I had to end it when he asked to bring our wedding forward because his Dad was dying of cancer and I really really didn't want to bring it forward and the idea filled me with so much dread. Took me another month or so to actually leave though and that was when he left the job.

Capricornandproud · 22/07/2018 10:54

There was a brilliant thread on here recently of an amazing Mumsnetter who planned leaving her husband - I hope it was moved to classics as a checklist for leaving. Utterly brilliant, I’ll try and link it.