When or how did you know your relationship was over?

[NickyNora]

Just that.

No DV. No cheating, no nothing really.
4 dc. 19 yrs.

Been planning seperating for months. I've money saved up.

Its time to do it but I'm scared it might be the wrong decision. What if i can't cope with tbe dc (ASD etc)?

Any words of wisdom MN?

When his vile, over bearing, nasty, small minded, argumentative, bigoted parents bought a holiday flat and asked me to pick out stuff for ‘our’ room and tell me about every Xmas, New Year etc we would be spending there!!! Ex agreed that would be lovely. That was the shove after 6 years. Think I actually left scorch marks on the pavement 😂😂

When he went away for business and I realised I was loving having the house to myself and felt tearful about his return.

I think we lasted another 3 weeks after that before I told him I couldn't go on. No drama, no cheating, we just grew apart and it was only a matter of time before one of us took the leap of mentioning it.

I moved in to the spare room that night and started looking for somewhere to live straight away. Took me 6 months to move out and we realised that our relationship after we'd broken up was exactly the same as it was when we were together. The only difference was that we now slept in separate beds.

Best decision I ever made. 17 years later and I've been with my now DP for 10 years and would miss him terribly if he was away. He annoys the hell out of me a lot of the time, don't get me wrong, but I couldn't imagine life without him.

When he used to go to work and I used to daydream about getting a phone call to say he was dead.

This. I thought I was the only one thinking like that.

@lamlondon Yikes! Respect your honesty!

I tried to kill myself.
After waking up in hospital and speaking to staff I realised that it was him I hated, not me. I didn’t see how abusive the relationship was until I was out the other side. Luckily, alive!

@Curiousquestioning and I also used to think about how to act or what to say if I did found out he was dead. It was weird to say it least.

During those 5 years, were you abusive towards him....... Maybe that's the reason he has stopped caring........ For men's health, i would say that they become obese when they are not appreciated at home......... It's better for you to both to divorce

When I had the sick bug and he had to watch the kids while I dealt with that and all in got was him shouting at me and nasty texts for it. I'm in the same boat as you planning to leave saving some money getting stuff organised

When I heard his key turn in the lock and my stomach sank

@Amanda123444 trip trap...?

I have never been abusive to my partner.
Far from it! I put him on a pedestal. I would never ever listen when people said about his behaviour.

We're not married.

I looked after him when he had major surgery. I financially have carried him for almost 19 yrs.

He couldn't even be bothered to come to the hospital when i had a late miscarriage.

He never looks after me. I had an operation on both eyes recently. He took 1 day off! I couldn't drive or go out etc.

Hes obese because he loves chocolate & fry ups. He never ever exercises, literally gets in the car for a 2 minute trip.

Good luck NotSoThinLizzy

Its so difficult....
Take care.

Thanks. It's going to be a slow process I think. Just need to keep my nerve and get on with it

No respect and considered cheating then finally did

When the atmosphere in the home was so nice without him here, when he was we all waked on eggshells.

I was anticipating a call to say he had been arrested for drunk driving, I thought about for ages about how long he would sit in the cell.

He cheated too. I forgave him. Then he did it again. I was actually thankful as it gave me the excuse i need to tell him it was over.

Well before separating, ask him if he has any psychological problem as it seems like he is immature due to any psychological problem but not due to laziness............ In all these years maybe he is hiding something from you......... Maybe he was abused in his childhood which made him like this....... It may sound stupid to you but generally such people are hiding something painful in their heart.......... You deserve happiness and you need to leave him.......thats for sure . Just do ask these things before saying your goodbyes

First ex husband, like PPs was finding myself fantasising about his death, is even worked out how it happened, the police coming to inform me and even planned his funeral
Second ex, when my heart sank when he came home, making excuses not to spend time with him and being irrationally annoyed by his breathing.

Some of these stories are grim!! You get one shot at life and its very short in the grand scheme of things, just leave.

Couple of things - when he kicked me out of bed when I didn’t want to be intimate with him ( he was a drinker) also when I’d paid for us to go away and he had a face on him the whole time

Exdp (we were together 15 years) when I got home from work or he got home and I would think 'fuck, here we go again'. A night of one word answers and grunts. The not wantingany physical contact at all.

Strangely, I see him daily when he comes to see dc, and is one of my best friends. We laugh together now again, we help each other out, we can rely on each other and he gets along really well with my dp. If you had told me this a few years ago I would have laughed!

@Snowysky20009 It's funny how sometimes we're better off as friends. That seems like a pretty good result for ye post-break-up.

I agree with Amanda123444. You could leave this situation on reasonably good terms. It doesn't have to be a battle. I know that's optimistic but I think if you could leave him respectfully, you'd ultimately feel better and more free to live your own life.

@Amanda123444 i know all about dps childhood & it wasn't pleasant.
I have tried talking to dp so many times. He won't/can't communicate with me.
I've asked him to go to tbe Drs as hes clearly depressed. He won't.
I've offered to pay for counselling for him. He won't agree. (I've had 2 lots of counselling).
I've asked him to attend Relate or couples counselling, he won't agree to go.

@Curiousquestioning I very much hope we can be civil but as i will be forcing him to leave his home (as it was my home , he moved into, with my name on the tenancy & I've paid tbe rent for the whole 17 years he's lived here). I doubt he will be happy.

I would like 50/50 care if tbe dc but highly unlikely.

I would like a situation like Snow describes but doubt he will be so co operative & i dont blame him. Hes pays £500 a month house keeping. I do everything. Hes going to feel very hard done by when he has to pay maintenance us rent etc...

Its part of the reason i struggled to make him leave. Until i found he has thousands in savings... realised I'm a total plonker paying everything while he has massive savings!!

Dp isn't as bad as some of these posts but barely speaks to me or the dc. He will sit for hours whilst i do everything. When i ask him to help he gets arsey.

Hes never been to our dcs schools. Never attends anything to do with the dc. Never attended any appointments when our 2 dc were being assessed with ASD & ADHD. (5 different assessments for the 2 boys).
Never asks if im ok.

Hes away at moment with youngest dc. Hes not asked if otber dc or I are ok. I've texted him daily, he responds after hours. His annual holidays were in June tbis year but he changed his holidays without talking to me.
I had already paid £750 on dc residential & therapy camps.

When i was ill last year, he never asked if i was ok. I have had 2 operations on my eyes
Hes barely acknowledged it.

Its like nothingness. No being horrible. No interest. No care. No interest. No nothing.

When I'd kept his tea warm for two hours and he came home late and said "I'm not eating that shit." Guess where he was for those 2 hours?
After we'd split and he was living with his girlfriend he said he wanted to get back together. He wanted to move back in with me straight away instead of taking it slow and said "I don't won't live on my own" I realised he just wanted anybody to live with then followed it with a worried "her brothers might come after me"
You'll know when it's the thing or comment that ends it.

The blinkers fall from your eyes.

When I would feel totally alone sat next to him for years feeling unloved. When I would ASK for a cuddle then be told I'm too needy but yet I wasnt "needy" when sex was involved ...funny that
Finally when I found out that the reason he was so tired and didnt want to spend time with me or our dd was because he had a porn addiction and was on cam sites and groups on fb. Also when he told our 10 yr old dd to go to another shop on her own in town so he could message strangers back online and of course the lies that he told and ended up believing himself.
I'm in alot of pain now but I'll never get a chance of meeting Mr right while I'm with Mr wrong x