Please tell my partner he’s not unreasonable!

[User70billion]

I’ve name changed for this as its outing!

I’ll try not to drip feed so it may be long but my partner is feeling very upset and would like some advice.

It’s a long complicated story but basically he lost his wife early last year, I’ve known them for a long time but lived in a different country, my ex husband also left me last year, and we then got together (nothing happened between us before this, there was no crossover)

His inlaws have always been controlling and they were always the peace keepers and avoided confrontation, and would try and do the right thing, and my partner is still like this. He wants what is best for his child and wants to keep contact for her.

He would never stop them seeing her (so long as she is happy) and unless we already have something on, would let them see her.

His SIL and FIL are being ok at the moment thankfully so they are having regular contact and are being civil (arranged by text though after an incident by them being threatening to him) he finds it difficult but accepts he wants it for his child so long as they aren’t affected.

His MIL always has been flaky and in and out, and her husband is an alcoholic, and can be temperamental with his texts.

DP has been civil throughout it, and doesn’t like the controlling behaviour but keeps things civil for the sake of his child. It’s been a special date recently so we did a cake, and have flowers and a card up in the house, and this weekend will take flowers up to the churchyard, we’ve talked a lot about it and shared memories (which we do anyway).

My partner had a text from step FIL asking if he had taken flowers up, and then one shortly after (within minutes) saying or was that too difficult a question and not in a nice way!

He replied saying what does that mean? And got an equally passive aggressive response, so just said we are doing our own thing. Got a reply saying well as long as it’s sorted. Nothing asking how they are doing or anything!

He has tried phoning them and texting them to arrange contact, gets no response then gets abusive phone calls from step FIL saying you need to call MIL, even though he has and doesn’t get a response.

He’s feeling really hurt tonight with the message and implying he doesn’t care when he does care deeply.

He’s worried he isn’t doing enough when what else can he do when he’s already called and text numerous times.

I don’t know what else he can do? He stood up to them more than usual tonight though and just didn’t respond like he normally would, just said we are doing our own thing rather than justify himself.

The thing is a lot of men can't cope with being a single parent, doing the "wife work" so they think they are thinking of the child's needs when they move someone else in fast. Because the only needs they are thinking of are things like clean clothes, meals, the practicalities. Not the emotional needs. I know it was with my father, he thought he was thinking of his kids by finding a replacement, the kids need a mum kind of thing.

In reality yes of course it's only about making their own lives easier.

The issue with this one is clearly the op moved in very quickly after starting dating, they only started dating nine months ago, and it seems they've been living together awhile. As such she may have moved in within weeks, so people would suspect it's been going on much longer. Who moves in weeks after starting dating in this context.

And it may be the family home, the marital bed she's moved into, I hope not for the child's sake, but it could be, and if it is, it's going to make everything a shit ton worse.

We didn’t move in together quickly at all, it’s happened very very recently. I will take all your points on board. I have every sympathy for the family I really do, and will encourage the contact thing without being involved.

I think there are two separate issues here.

The first is that of the ILs, and tbh we have no idea of what kind of people they were before their daughter died. If as the OP says they were controlling with her and have just shifted that control to the husband and will shift it to the granddaughter in time then IMO contact needs to be managed for all concerned. Grief doesn’t trump everything else, and sometimes bad things happen to bad people. There have been posters on MN whose inlaws were so appalling during the time they were going through bereavement that they were even banned from the funeral of their child because they couldn’t be trusted not to cause a scene in line with how they were when the child was alive.

So while I can see on some levels that people might think it was the ultimate cruelty to cut contact with them, if this is just the kind of people they are then it might be perfectly appropriate to cut contact with them if that were in the best interests of the child. No-one would think twice about cutting contact with toxic people if the daughter were alive. This might not be any different.

In terms of the DH moving on, I absolutely do think that people have a right to move on in some way, but when there are others e.g. children in the equation they do have some responsibility to them to ensure that their feelings are taken into account as well, and so often this appears not to happen. But it is the accepted norm for people to move on in so many instances, and although people often judge behind the scenes they accept that that is how it will be. And to be honest, is moving on any different to acting aggressively? After all people are saying the ILs have every right to behave however they want during their grief, but the father does not? It’s complicated IMO.

As an aside though, I was seriously ill in ICU a couple of years ago and not expected to survive. And my DP’s colleague at work took him to one side and said that he would get through it and that it would be ok for him to move on and find someone else as soon as he felt ready. And I wasn’t even dead yet. . So people have some odd ideas.

The thing is op moving in together, even if it was yesterday, means you moved in within nine months of starting dating, in most contexts this would be seen as fast. In this context it's incredibly fast, particularly if it's not you bought a home together, but rather you moved into this child's family home and even worse her mother's bed. None of us know if that's the case.

As much as I think your hearts in the right place, and you're doing your best for this child, I think you can understand why this would be particularly difficult for all concerned, and why it may be perceived as deeply insensitive or indecent.

Her father is going to have to just suck it up and do what he can, this is his child's family, and even if they are being awkward, or more awkward than normal, in this set of circumstances I think everyone can understand why they would be upset. He put up with their awkwardness when his wife was alive for her sake, and he will need to put up with it in her death for his child's sake.

It is what it is, and it was never going to be easy. In reality dating for a couple of years, building a relationship, helping this child adjust, then buying a home together would have been more understandable, but you both decided against that, and with that decision will always come complexity and sour feeling against you both.

1000% what @Bluntness100 said.

I'm trying to ignore this thread but ......

Bluntness makes a number of hard to hear but compelling points, like a critical friend. Stuff that's tough to listen to but may work for you in the long run. OP I would certainly mull over and then discuss some of this with your DP. The past is gone but it might make for a more positive future if you consider some of these points.

Randy yet again you are insulting and vile. The unpleasant nature of your post means any good intent within it will be lost. You do not help people by insulting them. If you want to hurt and upset the OP - well done you have probably succeeded. If you wanted to help then being rude to people very rarely makes them change their mind.

It's a difficult and sad situation my heart hurts for everyone involved.

OP are you sleeping in the dead wife's bed? Women grieve, men move on.

On reflection with this....Why did you rush into moving in with him so soon? I have to agree with Bluntness on that point...it was too soon. Dating ok if you must...but the moving in was too soon considering the circumstances.

From the child's POV it's like you're trying to step into her mother's shoes.

I also think had you not been known to the family previously they may feel differently. Maybe not ...but it's possible.

I know grief brings people close...but I do also think...of all the men you could have a relationship with...why your dead friend's husband?

I personally wouldn't have gone there......it just wouldn't feel right. Again from the child's perspective, one day your a family friend ....the next she's lost her mum and your sleeping with her dad in what must seem like no time.

It doesnt sound like you have DC of your own...so maybe you can't imagine how that feels.

It really doesnt seem like her father put his DDs feelings into consideration at all.

Was the wife's death sudden or expected?

I really appreciate the advice given on this thread and will take the comments on board. I know I can’t go into full details on here as there’s a huge story, and people will read into things depending on their own situation.

I going to take a step back but still read the comments but don’t really think there is anything else I can say.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and I understand people will disagree with me, but some of the comments are very hurtful, and that’s up to you, but I feel like by answering I’m inflaming the situation so it’s best if I read and take on board the advice but that’s it for now.

Well OP I think it's upto to you and your dp to carry on being happy...if I died and yes I am a mom of 2 I wouldn't mind my partner moving on and being happy. I didn't read the part where you stated the child hates you and we should all never move on until say 5 years after a death just incase we upset the whole world..
FGS my dad died n my mom moved on n yh I was selfishly pissed off but he made her happynd still does to this day and for that im very gratefull. .didn't mean she hated my dad..yes alot of people will say it affected them but so does divorces and parents not being there EVER because they can't be arsed...
You both love her and want what's best for her but it doesn't mean putting your lives on hold cause her mom died.