Please tell my partner he’s not unreasonable!

[User70billion]

I’ve name changed for this as its outing!

I’ll try not to drip feed so it may be long but my partner is feeling very upset and would like some advice.

It’s a long complicated story but basically he lost his wife early last year, I’ve known them for a long time but lived in a different country, my ex husband also left me last year, and we then got together (nothing happened between us before this, there was no crossover)

His inlaws have always been controlling and they were always the peace keepers and avoided confrontation, and would try and do the right thing, and my partner is still like this. He wants what is best for his child and wants to keep contact for her.

He would never stop them seeing her (so long as she is happy) and unless we already have something on, would let them see her.

His SIL and FIL are being ok at the moment thankfully so they are having regular contact and are being civil (arranged by text though after an incident by them being threatening to him) he finds it difficult but accepts he wants it for his child so long as they aren’t affected.

His MIL always has been flaky and in and out, and her husband is an alcoholic, and can be temperamental with his texts.

DP has been civil throughout it, and doesn’t like the controlling behaviour but keeps things civil for the sake of his child. It’s been a special date recently so we did a cake, and have flowers and a card up in the house, and this weekend will take flowers up to the churchyard, we’ve talked a lot about it and shared memories (which we do anyway).

My partner had a text from step FIL asking if he had taken flowers up, and then one shortly after (within minutes) saying or was that too difficult a question and not in a nice way!

He replied saying what does that mean? And got an equally passive aggressive response, so just said we are doing our own thing. Got a reply saying well as long as it’s sorted. Nothing asking how they are doing or anything!

He has tried phoning them and texting them to arrange contact, gets no response then gets abusive phone calls from step FIL saying you need to call MIL, even though he has and doesn’t get a response.

He’s feeling really hurt tonight with the message and implying he doesn’t care when he does care deeply.

He’s worried he isn’t doing enough when what else can he do when he’s already called and text numerous times.

I don’t know what else he can do? He stood up to them more than usual tonight though and just didn’t respond like he normally would, just said we are doing our own thing rather than justify himself.

Wow Arum. I was a child in this exact scenario and I feel like you have just described the impact on me down to a tee. In these situations it is always the 'right' of an adult to find love again that is focused on, and celebrated. Thank you for articulating so well something I've never been able to properly, despite living through it.

Yes you do need “knowledge”. For all you know the child’s relationship with the OP, could be helping the child. You really don’t have a clue!

This is always going to be difficult. When you start dating a deceased friends husband nine months after she died, of course a lot of people, particularly the parents, will find that very difficult to accept.

In addition I see the concern over the child. To see her dad with another woman so quickly after her mother passed away.

It sounds like this man is building up to breaking contact. Please don't do that. For this little girls sake he needs to suck it up, they've done nothing outrageous and you need to keep out of it.

My mum died when I was ten. Even at that age, It felt very wrong to me when 19 months later my brother and I were being moved in with his new partner. Unfortunately, my maternal grandparents were already dead and to the best of my knowledge, no one questioned my dads behaviour. She tried “bonding” with me and I tried to fake it with her. But I was miserable. He died soon after and his sisters just say he was too consumed by grief and pressured by the new fiancée to realise it was all too soon.

@LunaTrap There's been loads of research on this over the past 20 years or so. It's like the attitude to stillbirth, or neonatal death. It used to be that everyone thought it was "for the best" that everyone ignored it and pretended it didn't happen. This was despite the huge amount of anecdotal evidence that this wasn't the case. Once they actually started to look at outcomes, they realised what a disaster it all was. As a CP social worker, we were taught about this, if that's any help. Things really have changed, at least in statutory services and charities that support these kids. Maybe not in the general population though.

I'm very sorry this happened to you

Arum and Randy wow don’t worry I’m in no doubt about how you feel about me. Actually I make sure the washing and everything is done and clean uniform for her, packed lunches and swimming kit ready every week. I do as much as I can so when he gets in from work he doesn’t have to as he works extremely long hours, so that he can spend as much time with her as possible. They have time by themselves every day. They have a fantastic relationship and she is in no doubt of his love for her.

I hope I can make an extremely difficult time for both of them easier.

And Mouse thank you for your advice, I shall certainly keep on encouraging in the background and being supportive, and I appreciate your help.

Lizzie I’m sorry you have been through a similar situation and hope you have love and support.

@User70billion Look, you're not the mum. I'm not saying you are a bad person. But seriously, he needs to be doing this shit for his child. What are you, some fucking interchangeable 'woman' here?

Please, please read some of the stuff on maternal bereavement. You are not helping, and she's going to grow up to hate your guts, and you totally don't deserve that! You really seem to be trying here, but you're getting it wrong. Do you have your own children? You don't sound like you do.

That's interesting Arum, my mother died 36 years ago. My older siblings were back at school the next day and none of us ever had any counselling. Also raising upset or concerns was just not done, everything was brushed under the carpet. We all suffer in various ways to this day. The thing is my parents (dad and stepmum) are both great people, I'm very close to them to this day to the point where I feel guilty for even discussing this tbh. But the way it was handled at the time was atrocious.

I promise I will always be sensitive and will encourage contact, and will never ever try and be ‘mum’ and she has regular counseling too which she can have for years yet.

She will talk openly about her feelings, and I would never ever tell her what to think or feel. I can only support her and do my best. I know this will impact her massively as she grows up, I’m under no illusion.

I know one day she may resent me, but I will genuinely do my best for her I can promise you that.

Actually, scrap my last paragraph. I have a great superficial relationship with them, based on me not rocking the boat or ever raising any of this. My feelings have changed since having my own DC and seeing how let down we were. I think I need to read up on this Arum or get myself into counselling!

How old is the child OP?

You’re saying all the right things OP, but it’s what her dad has already done, that may cause problems.

Personally, i find it a little odd to get her counselling at the same time as inserting a new girlfriend into her home. Like he knows she has things to come to terms with, but he’s only prepared to accommodate her so much.

LunaTrap we now know it's a massive issue. Children in this situation now have access to a whole load of support services - but it depends on whether the surviving parent wants to access them. Schools should have policies about this. Employers and benefit agencies have 'best practice' guidance. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, and if you need to, don't hesitate to access support. Cruise have a pretty good reputation for people in your position.

In the OP's position, the dad appears to have made no concessions at all. He's still working long hours, when his child needs him to be there. Instead, he's drafted in some other woman. This poor child is being massively fucked over.

Wow

Whilst I think the OP should back off she is also bereaved . She has moved on with a mutual friend and wants to enable the child to see the GP

Some really nasty comments and a degree of projection

Maybe I am projecting (especially since my dads new girlfriend was also my mum’s friend), but maybe I’m also pointing out what the child’s perspective sometimes is and that there is every chance of trouble ahead.

My issue isn’t so much with the OP, as the dad.

Luna she is about to go into P7 (year6?)

Arum51 I will do some research thank you.

Do you know what? If my adult DD had died 18 months ago I'd be pissy too.

I dint think anyone has done anything wrong here. It's think it's just really hard for you all to be kind to each other at the moment.

I also think getting together with someone else within a year of your wife's death is a little....hasty. It could be an age thing though...for a young person a year seems like for ever, for someone old enough to have an adult child it's five minutes.

The thing is children are impotent. They often have no option but to play nice, to accept what's happening, to go along with it, to say it's fine, to smile sweetly, to not articulate that months after mummy died daddy is with another woman and how that feels, to then have to live with that woman, know they share a bed, to watch the affection, to have to explain to her friends what her dad has done.

Adults struggle to accept it, for children it's not fathomable.

At 18 months this child is still deeply grieving. At nine months it would have been a horrific shock to her system.

It's as they get older that the issue arises and kids are able to articulate their feelings, And yes. I was that little girl too. And yes. Sadly, it's seldom easy in the long run with the child if a Father moves on so very quickly after his wife's demise.

He just needs to take the feelings of the adults and multiply it by a million to know how his child is feeling.

He needs to put up with the inlaws. Not just for his child's sake, but for his also in the long run. Taking that away from this child too, will almost guarantee that his relationship with his child will suffer if not end at some point in the future when she grows up and has the power to say what she thinks without fear of repercussion.

@User70billion please do. I am not getting the sense that you are a bad person here, but you are in grave danger of acting like one. You probably already have.

There are loads of men who end up in this situation, every year. The vast majority of them either give up work, or significantly reduce their hours. They take the advice that has been given to them. They make every attempt to protect their kids. Your partner hasn't done this. What he's done is move in a replacement. This is totally not okay. The child here has been placed in an awful position - by her dad. You shouldn't be doing the things you're doing, all that is up to her dad. He is failing her. I'm sorry, but this situation is going to have a serious, negative effect on this child.

I can see that people that have experienced this as children have a very valid point to make

I think your partner is meeting his own needs without meeting those of his daughter in the best way. I totally get why the in-laws are pissy and maybe feel their daughter has been dishonoured by your relationship with DP. I don't doubt that your intentions are anything other than good but more time for dad and daughter to come to terms properly would have served all parties better.

I think he is meeting his own needs and his daughters in the best way he personally can or wishes to.

I also think lots of men do this, when faced with a similar situation, find a replacement and then get on with life as before. It doesn't mean he doesn't love or care for the op, but a lot of men do move on quickly and resume normal operations. It's the only way they can see or accept.

It's others that struggle to comprehend it, and for a child this age it's incomprehensible, no matter how much it's explained or how carefully.

The op has clearly stepped into the breach and is doing her best, but I think the fact she knew the deceased, that was her friend and now she's sleeping with her husband, or the husband is sleeping with his deceased wives friend, makes this all that much harder for everyone to accept. It may be true love, and everyone have the best intentions, but that's all anyone else can see, and I think the op understands why that is difficult for people to accept, particularly the deceased woman's parents.

I think that yes the MIL and SFIL are controlling and not very nice people anyway irrespective of the mothers death. If I was your partner I'd be reasonable, but ignore any communication that becomes abusive.

I don't think moving on is the problem - it's up to the person when they move on but to be honest I'd find it such a shame if someone wants a new person straight away.

But what I do judge is the father moving you in, OP. If you were casually dating for 2-3 years first and then moved in and the daughter not aware that the relationship is happening or at least sees it as very casual. By allowing you to move in straight away he has not thought of his daughter. Even if she really likes you thats lucky but he was never to know that and by taking that chance he's been incredibly selfish.

Grief can make people incredibly self absorbed though.

There was a situation like this at my childhood church. The pastor's wife died of leukaemia and the whole church were grieving for her. He moved on after 4 months with a close family friend much younger than himself and they were married within a year. She had developed a close bond with his DC and she's now accepted as an amazing mum, having had her own DC and is a grandma now.

But all hell was let loose at the time! The pastor was forced to resign and leave the church because his congregation couldn't accept his new wife.

Was this the right thing to do? It worked out really well in the end, because she was great with his DC, but I don't think they handled it right at the time.

I do have a suspicion that men do this because they don't want to be single dads, and want a new woman to do the wife work.

FWIW, OP, I think you need to listen carefully to posters on here who coped with this as children. Because they really are speaking from the heart.