Please tell my partner he’s not unreasonable!

[User70billion]

I’ve name changed for this as its outing!

I’ll try not to drip feed so it may be long but my partner is feeling very upset and would like some advice.

It’s a long complicated story but basically he lost his wife early last year, I’ve known them for a long time but lived in a different country, my ex husband also left me last year, and we then got together (nothing happened between us before this, there was no crossover)

His inlaws have always been controlling and they were always the peace keepers and avoided confrontation, and would try and do the right thing, and my partner is still like this. He wants what is best for his child and wants to keep contact for her.

He would never stop them seeing her (so long as she is happy) and unless we already have something on, would let them see her.

His SIL and FIL are being ok at the moment thankfully so they are having regular contact and are being civil (arranged by text though after an incident by them being threatening to him) he finds it difficult but accepts he wants it for his child so long as they aren’t affected.

His MIL always has been flaky and in and out, and her husband is an alcoholic, and can be temperamental with his texts.

DP has been civil throughout it, and doesn’t like the controlling behaviour but keeps things civil for the sake of his child. It’s been a special date recently so we did a cake, and have flowers and a card up in the house, and this weekend will take flowers up to the churchyard, we’ve talked a lot about it and shared memories (which we do anyway).

My partner had a text from step FIL asking if he had taken flowers up, and then one shortly after (within minutes) saying or was that too difficult a question and not in a nice way!

He replied saying what does that mean? And got an equally passive aggressive response, so just said we are doing our own thing. Got a reply saying well as long as it’s sorted. Nothing asking how they are doing or anything!

He has tried phoning them and texting them to arrange contact, gets no response then gets abusive phone calls from step FIL saying you need to call MIL, even though he has and doesn’t get a response.

He’s feeling really hurt tonight with the message and implying he doesn’t care when he does care deeply.

He’s worried he isn’t doing enough when what else can he do when he’s already called and text numerous times.

I don’t know what else he can do? He stood up to them more than usual tonight though and just didn’t respond like he normally would, just said we are doing our own thing rather than justify himself.

Have to agree with Arum51 here, there daughter only died a short while ago, you DP has moved on pretty quick tbf, he's absolutely allowed to do that but ffs cut his dead wives parents some slack. Imagine going through the loss of a child and then potentially the loss of your grandchild bloody hell, have some compassion

Their*
Wife's

why the hell is 9 months appalling. Is he supposed to wear black and not look at another woman for 10 years? Honestly ...

Well, moving a step mother into a grieving child’s house after 9 months and expecting his wife’s parents to be happy with it does seem just a tad insensitive..........

If I died, I’d hope my DH would find happiness very quickly.

If any of my loved ones begrudged him of this or tried to make out it was disrespectful of me or an indication he didn’t love me deeply then I’d come back to haunt them 😡

Randy what a nasty post. The op’s partner can do what the heck he likes!

Op stated Yes they were controlling with her too, she was constantly trying to keep the peace with everyone and they relied on this. They didn’t treat her well at all sadly, and are now taking it out on him instead.

So these people were also horrible to their own Dd? They aren’t going to change their behaviour. My advice would be to give them some slack as their Dd has died, but I would try to not take it personally.

Do your bit, let his Dd go to see them (as long as they treat her well) and anytime they are rude, just step back, realise they are like that with many other people, and carry on with your day.

We did not move in together after 9 months, that’s when we started seeing each other!

I understand why it’s hard for them and we are not playing happy families, I’m never going to do that. I will always care for her if I’m lucky enough to become a (bigger) part of their lives but I’m not and never will be her mum!

Well Randyharrisonfan perhaps the grief does not automatically turn you into a nice person. There is no hierarchy of grief where one person gets to 'win' and behave how they like.

Everyone, including the OP was bereaved. Mother, daughter, wife, friend everyone lost. They need to stop making judgments about each other and try to pull together.

Everyone is an adult apart from the bereaved child they need to work together to help the only person in this situation who can not make decisions.

Your comments are vile.

I'm in a similar situation OP. I was widowed last year and my in-laws have been hideous towards me since. It's a tough situation and I'm having to take legal advice.

Can't believe some of the judgy comments here about moving on. It's tough being widowed young. I'm not interested in a relationship but I've got a FWB.

NoArmani I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you find happiness again in the future.

Yes I miss her incredibly too, she was an amazing friend and I will always speak highly of her, especially to her daughter. But I appreciate this isn’t about me, I want what’s best with regards to contact, and Encourage it so long as the child is happy. I completely agree that she is the most important person in this which is why he has pushed for contact, and if there’s a way I can help it happen I will, but I also appreciate it’s not my place to get involved.

Randy but they don’t have to see me, he picks up and drops off without me, and if they did come here I would stay out the way. I don’t expect them to see me or have anything to do with me! He has even offered to drop off someone neutral without me. They probably hate me and are perfectly entitled to!

Randy I can't be,I've how insensitive you are.

And you can give an opinion without being insensitive or vile. Well most posters can but you clearly can't.

This is a difficulty situation for everybody and people wading in being hurtful helps no one.

I'd also just want a partner to be happy when I die. But if I was in the gps' position I'd also be scared to lose touch with my gc and a bit teary that my child seemed to have been forgotten so fast. Rationally I know that's not fair on the bereaved SIL, but who would be rational in that position? When my MIL died and FIL instantly got a new gf, the whole family dynamics were screwed up and there was a lot of hate.

User70billion, in your position I'd keep well out of it, and just try to support my partner without getting involved.

I've never lost a partner but I do know when death happens you don't always feel how you are 'supposed' to feel so you do what you can to get by.

As long as the actions you take are motivated by love then you do what you have to do. If I died I would be pleased to know my DP was getting love and support at a difficult time. I do know that children can't have too much love or too many loving people in their lives.

The OP is trying to help and support her DP and his child while struggling with her own grief.

Unpleasant, critical comments based on old fashioned notions of 'respectability' help no one and could cause distress.

OP you need to help your DP to keep on reaching out, even though that must be really difficult. Do this for a period of time, if it doesn't get any better then you would, regrettably, need to cut contact.

I agree people can't control themselves these days. Some people think it is acceptable to be vile on Internet forums when dealing with people struggling with grief.

I'm still shocked that so few people are looking at the impact on the child here.

Maternal death, no matter what your age or relationship with your mother, is usually a traumatic and life-changing event. In the under-10s, it is pretty much a funnel for psychiatric problems in adulthood. Even in adults, it's still the biggest trigger for a psychiatric event.

This child lost her mum, and became totally dependent on her dad for support. Within a few months, daddy had moved on, finding New Romance and imposing another woman into the child's life. At a time when the child really needed her daddy, he checked out. Not only did he fail to prioritise her, he actually moved in a replacement. This is going to have a catastrophic, long term impact on the child. You can all wish it didn't, and give mealy-mouthed, adult justifications about the course of true love, but it's bullshit. At the time when the child needs her dad, he has failed. Spectacularly. This will have awful consequences for this kid. She doesn't need the OP. She needs her daddy.

Meanwhile, people are actually giving credence to the OP's justifications here? She's on here slagging off the step dad for being upset that they've not bothered to put flowers on this poor woman's grave? Well yeah, been like, totally more than 18 months now, by at least a week! Who cares any more, doing our own thing, right?

Unless your child has died, don't you dare try and judge the Grandma's reaction. There is no time limit for "getting over" your child's death.

Arum you’re post is disgraceful. You have absolutely no real knowledge of the Daughter and her father’s relationship.

LizzieSiddal I don't need 'real knowledge'. This is absolutely, basic child development stuff. The mum died 'early' last year. The earliest is January. So the longest she's been dead is 18-months-and-a-week-or-so. The OP, even in her own account, has been there since at least the 9 month mark. She talks about "family" events etc. This kid has had NO time to process her grief. It is a significant concern. The dad is not prioritising his daughter, and is setting her up for long term problems. This isn't supposition, it's a really well researched area of child development/adult mental health.