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Original poster

Is he a mean guy or just tight (or both) or am I a grabby cow?

57 replies

superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:30

Been seeing someone for 10 months, met OLD and taking it fairly slowly. We recently met each others kids, all well and good.

He has a nice personality, we get on well but a few things are niggling at me... When I met his kids I brought them a little, gift - nothing big just a little treat to have after we'd eaten. But i deliberately thought about this and picked out something I thought they'd like. He met mine (I have one) only a few days after her birthday. He asked her if she'd had a good birthday but didn't give her a card or present. I'm not at all expecting anything big but I was a bit disappointed that he came empty handed.

We spent the afternoon doing an activity which I paid for and afterwards my little one asked for a milkshake which I also bought.

I think I just have quite a different nature in that respect, eg at xmas I gave him two token presents to pop in their stocking - we'd been together about 3 months at that point. He didn't reciprocate.

He has a good job etc., so it's not because he couldn't afford to be more generous. At the risk of sounding terrible - I'm honestly not grabby but I like a bit of romance - he hasn't bought me a single random present/treat (I've had a xmas gift and valentine flowers) since we met and we always split the bill.

OP posts:
AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 19/07/2018 22:33

Splitting the bill wouldn’t be a problem for me.

Random gifts, do you do that for him? It may be he just isn’t a gift type person. Tbh I get annoyed with Xmas etc and people expecting certain levels of spending and cards etc.

I would keep an eye on how he is with your child though. And I wouldn’t be buying his children any gifts outside of birthdays/Xmas. They don’t need them.

Hideandgo · 19/07/2018 22:33

I don’t think he’s necessarily mean or tight from those examples. Many people don’t have a culture of giving little gifts all the time. As long as he shows kindness is some way!

AlwaysSleepy1 · 19/07/2018 22:34

I would find a bday gift for a child he hadn't met a bit odd tbh! it's nice of you to bring a gift, and I guess it also depends on ages, but it doesn't sound at all bad to me?! For all you know he's had a money grabbing ex and doesn't want to 'buy' someone?

topcat2014 · 19/07/2018 22:35

It's not actualy tight if you are splitting the bill - surely? A little dull, but not truly tight.

Giving presents (as a man) to children you have just met would seem a little weird.

But then, I have never sent big teddies or balloons to DW work either, and we seem to have survived 16 years so far.

Snowwhiteapple · 19/07/2018 22:36

I wrote a similar post in here a good few months back and was surprised at how many people thought I was unreasonable.

My partner at the time also didn’t get a card for my son on his birthday and it bothered me. I just think it was the thought really.

I totally agree with you, and don’t think you’re grabby at all. It’s nice to feel special now and then and seeing as you treat his kids I really can see your point.

topcat2014 · 19/07/2018 22:36

We don't do valentines either.

Have never given a gift on a random calendar point either.

Ohyesiam · 19/07/2018 22:37

Why wouldn’t you pay for your child’s milkshake? Not being goady, but is there something missing?

He could be tight, or he could show his love/ respect in other ways?

Ellisandra · 19/07/2018 22:37

You are massively gift oriented.
He is not.
I know some people don’t like it, but I’d google “5 love languages”. I’ve always found it really helpful.

I like giving gifts, but to be honest, not only does my boyfriend not do that - he also doesn’t really give a shit about the stuff I get him! He might like some of it - but that’s not a romantic gesture to him - it’s just “stuff”. This man will listen to me moan about work or my ex for hours (and remember what I’ve said!), massage my back when it’s sore with nothing in return, never get the hump if I want to change our plans cos of work, patiently spent an entirely ski holiday on basic slopes because I was a beginner... he shows he loves me in so many ways. But get a birthday card for my child? Nah.

SD1978 · 19/07/2018 22:40

I'd find it odd that they did give a card/present TBH. They'd never met and if a partner turned up with a gift I'd find it a bit creepy. If they knew the child, fair enough. Some people just aren't gift people. I'm not. Doesn't mean he doesn't care

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/07/2018 22:40

The gifts for children is a bit weird. You don't know them. The thing is, you're applying your ideas of what's right, on this man, about his children and also yours.

10 months isn't really long enough to integrate with kids and I wouldn't - keep it to dating and see how you and he feel about each other, regardless of the children. Incompatibility is better discovered without children bonding with short term partners and their children. I just wouldn't.

About his gifts - he bought a Christmas gift for you and valentine flowers. I think you're putting so much emphasis on gifts for some reason. What's he like with you? Do you get on? Is it easy or do it feel a bit of a drag?

To be honest, I think you're calculating the relationship in terms of what he buys you. I had a very generous ex, it would have been better if I'd never met him, just saying. Gifts are really not everything, somebody who makes you laugh, makes you feel happy, is everything.

Secondtimesally · 19/07/2018 22:40

Sounds like you could with looking at love languages- 5 different ways we can feel loved and appreciated by our other half. Your DPs is probably not the same as yours!
www.5lovelanguages.com/
My DH loves words of appreciation- not gifts.

PurpleArmy · 19/07/2018 22:42

My partner is useless at gift giving and it would never ocurr to him to give gifts. My Sister likewise, never buys random gifts for my kids.

My SIL always has gifts for my kids and I often give my partner random gifts I think he may like.

Horses for courses.

Original poster
superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:42

Phew! Yeah, he's a bit clueless in terms of being romantic but has a kind nature iykwim. Thanks :) that's reassuring.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:43

oops - things have moved on a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:46

Ok, I've read all the replies now. Thanks for giving me something to think about.
I suppose I mentioned all the gift stuff because I was wondering if he was tight. He obvs just doesn't do gifts the way I do. It's what you're used to I suppose.

really helpful - thanks for all your replies.
x

OP posts:
LastOneDancing · 19/07/2018 22:48

I don't think you're grabby but you're coming across as extra generous, more than he's coming across tight from your post.

Some people love to give gifts, I actually find it stressful - I worry I'll buy the wrong thing - and probably wouldn't give gifts to people the first time I meet them. And come to think of it, DH has never, ever bought me a random little gift. Ever.

But if he didn't get your DC a card at their next birthday now he's meet them, then yes I'd agree that's odd.

Toohotme · 19/07/2018 22:51

It wouldn’t cross my mind to get a child a present in those circumstances ie when I had never met them before. I also don’t get why it was an issue for you to pay for a milkshake for your child.

changedmyname12345 · 19/07/2018 22:53

To be fair, I don't like being given gifts as in objects as we have a house full. I love wine, chocs etc though!

Original poster
superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:55

Grin it's not an issue for me to pay for my own child's milkshake, I just included that as it's something i paid for as well as the activity tickets.
I'm honestly not grabby at all!!

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:56

I should calm it with the gifts Grin point taken.

OP posts:
LockedOutOfMN · 19/07/2018 23:01

I think you love to give gifts and that's lovely but I feel it's dangerous to expect them in return.

Nothing you've described implies that your boyfriend is mean or tight.

BackforGood · 19/07/2018 23:31

I see you've now acknowledged it, but I agree with most. To me your gift giving seems completely OTT.
I wouldn't have got a gift in any of the circumstances you are 'noting' that he didn't. It just wouldn't be a 'thing' for me. It isn't about being mean, it is about not being OTT with gift giving.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 23:34

I honestly don't think men are generally thoughtful as far as buying gifts for kids.

He could have got your DD a little something for Christmas.

For me personally...if a man couldn't or didnt offer to pay for the first date I probably wouldn't bother with him again... but if he was strapped for cash then I'd probably watch and see how it goes.

FlyingMonkeys · 19/07/2018 23:42

If you invited him to the activity as 'your treat' I'd not expect him to offer to pay for extras that day. It's nice you bought something well thought out for his kids but if he didn't know your daughter he'd probably thought what would I buy for a child I don't know likes/dislikes? How much to spend is another issue - worry about looking cheap/worry about looking OTT.

Zommum · 19/07/2018 23:46

I would give it a bit more time, he just does things differently to you. How happy are you with him? Are you noticing little things because something isn't quite right? I only ask because you seem to be picking on little things. I would give it a bit more time and get to know him better.