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Original poster

Is he a mean guy or just tight (or both) or am I a grabby cow?

57 replies

superflyguy · 19/07/2018 22:30

Been seeing someone for 10 months, met OLD and taking it fairly slowly. We recently met each others kids, all well and good.

He has a nice personality, we get on well but a few things are niggling at me... When I met his kids I brought them a little, gift - nothing big just a little treat to have after we'd eaten. But i deliberately thought about this and picked out something I thought they'd like. He met mine (I have one) only a few days after her birthday. He asked her if she'd had a good birthday but didn't give her a card or present. I'm not at all expecting anything big but I was a bit disappointed that he came empty handed.

We spent the afternoon doing an activity which I paid for and afterwards my little one asked for a milkshake which I also bought.

I think I just have quite a different nature in that respect, eg at xmas I gave him two token presents to pop in their stocking - we'd been together about 3 months at that point. He didn't reciprocate.

He has a good job etc., so it's not because he couldn't afford to be more generous. At the risk of sounding terrible - I'm honestly not grabby but I like a bit of romance - he hasn't bought me a single random present/treat (I've had a xmas gift and valentine flowers) since we met and we always split the bill.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 00:06

zommum that hit a nerve! I am definitely on "alert" mode right now, maybe because we are introducing the kids and that feels like a big step for me. Actually my concerns were kind of triggered because he is just back from holiday and brought a gift for his kids mum back (from them) but nothing for me (from him). i thought it was very sweet of him to do that for their mum, but I was a tiny bit hurt that I didn't even register. Obviously he'd had them in mind when shopping for her.

But I agree he probably just doesn't think that way.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 00:09

I'm just about to go on holiday with friends for two weeks so I'll have some time to mull it over. But guess what I won't be doing!!

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 20/07/2018 00:21

Some people love to give gifts. Others don’t.

To be honest bringing a birthday present for a child who he hadn’t met him could seem a little inappropriate. Potentially a little like buying affection. Especially if repeated to their Dad.

Perhaps it was a conscious decision to take things slowly with a child.

Buying Christmas gifts for the children of someone you’ve known for three months, haven’t met and aren’t going to see on the day seems very inappropriate by my personal scale (even though I realise you were just being kind)

Re the holiday present. His children presumably asked to buy their Mum a present. He’s a nice guy for facilitating.

He didn’t buy a present for his ex-wife. His kids bought one for their Mum, because they missed her.

You aren’t in competition with their Mum.

Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 00:36

Nona I totally get that it was from them, and i think it was very sweet of him to do it. I don't see us in competition at all and I think it's great that they support each other like that.

The xmas things were just stocking fillers - I am beginning to see that that is not the norm on here! I'm from a big extended family and we seem to give gifts far and wide Grin. I feel a bit silly for doing that now.

Like I said, as we're notching things up a step I'm feeling a bit like I need to be 110% sure or something. This was just a niggling thing which I think I've resolved.

OP posts:
Barbaro · 20/07/2018 00:41

Not a lot of men are very romantic and buy lots of gifts. I know someone who's wife actually cheated on him because he didn't buy her presents.

If you want gifts for you and your kid, find another guy. Or accept that this one is reasonable, but isn't going to be giving gifts a lot.

NonaGrey · 20/07/2018 01:06

You aren’t silly at all superfly you just have a different present culture.

My DH’s family is the same. Lots and lots of gifts for all sorts of occasions.

His family give at Easter a pile of toys my family would think was more appropriate to Christmas.

They bring huge bagfuls of presents back from holiday. They are also obsessed by cards, I’be had a thank you card for my thank you card several times.

It’s kind and generous but just a bit intense and full on by my families’ measure - we show our affection in other ways.

We’ve got used to each other over the years mostly. Wink

FlyingMonkeys · 20/07/2018 04:05

He may have spent €5-20 on a nominal gift from the kids to their mum but would have felt awkward getting you a gift for the same value. However, 10mth in he may not have wanted to spend €40-100 euro to buy a 'good gift ' for you. It's a dating mind field! Nobody wants to look either cheap or excessive.

FlyingMonkeys · 20/07/2018 04:32

Also adding - everyone is different! My OH loved 'expensive tastes' when we got together. I consider it frippery and a complete waste (although I love a bit of bargain tat 😂). He did the whole buying OTT (to my mind) gifts when we got together, and I stamped my foot about paying half of everything. I felt massively uncomfortable with him potentially 'buying my affection' till we talked about the way we were both coming from and met common ground.

Madeline18 · 20/07/2018 04:38

My DP doesn’t really do presents (and doesn’t expect presents either). But he does bring home wine and cooks and cleans so I don’t mind too much.

claraschu · 20/07/2018 04:41

I don't think there is anything wrong with you buying little gifts for him or for his kids! (Also nothing wrong with not buying.)

I would not like always splitting the cost of everything 50-50 though. That would make me feel like money was too big a deal- too important and something he was overly conscious of. I am generally quite frugal, with plenty of moments of splurging, and I love being generous to friends. I guess I would look for a boyfriend who was similar.

pissedonatrain · 20/07/2018 04:52

He sounds cheap and I can't deal with cheap men.

Does he make more than you do?

These 50/50 types make more and then if you get together and you have a baby, then it's your income and career is diminished while his stays the same and these cheap guys you have to beg to get €5 from them.

In 10 months, he's never bought you a meal or was generous and giving to you. That would turn me right off.

I have no idea where this 50/50 date thing started but it's ridiculous.

LellyMcKelly · 20/07/2018 05:03

I’d lay off the gifts. I had a boyfriend who kept giving me presents so I felt I had to reciprocate. The time and money I wasted finding and wrapping pointless bits of tat was unbelievable. I had to bin him in the end. There are only so many mugs and DVDs one person can cope with.

Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 09:44

I do not lavish him or his kids with gifts! I picked up a couple of very small stocking fillers while buying for all the kids in my family which I gave to him to pop into their stockings which I thought was just christmas spirit really. This was over 3 months in.

I then very recently brought a couple of very small treats (corner shop type of thing) to give them the first time we met. I do not intend to shower them with gifts.

The splitting the bill 50:50 is not really an issue apart from one time I had just done a pretty intense sporting event for charity - 3 peaks challenge - and at the end of it we met up and he said he wanted to take me out to dinner. When the bill came he still split it. I felt really crap at that.

Trust me, I'm not in a financial position to throw cash around, these were very small token gifts for his girls. I am not trying to buy anyone's affection. I am also not looking for someone to buy my child gifts - totally missing the point.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 09:46

pissed he earns a lot more than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
superflyguy · 20/07/2018 09:50

Thanks Nona that made me laugh Grin

OP posts:
claraschu · 20/07/2018 11:04

If he earns a lot more than you and never picks up a bill (even when he "takes you out" after a big event in your life), I do think that is a bit mean-spirited.

Storm4star · 20/07/2018 11:18

I was on the fence until I got to your last update. If he invited you out to dinner to celebrate your achievement and still split the bill, yes that's tight! By now, I would have expected it to be more he pays one time, you pay the next, kind of thing. Still religiously splitting the bill after all this time would annoy me and I don't think it bodes well for the future. I remember a post on here a while back where a couple were having a baby and the man wouldn't "let" the woman buy a £15 baby sling from the joint account as HE felt it was unnecessary. I feel maybe your partner would be this type of man!

FlyingMonkeys · 20/07/2018 11:29

So are you going to break up with him? Or ride it out and see if more presents/meals materialise?

butterfly56 · 20/07/2018 11:36

Inviting you out to dinner and then splitting the bill when he earns far more than you shows a lot about the true character of this man.

Learn from his actions OP.... no matter what he says his actions will speak volumes. In the meantime don't be tempted to buy him any gifts and save your hard earned money for you and your DC.

Oh and have a brilliant holiday with your friends! Smile

thefinn · 20/07/2018 11:45

Op I am like you- I love getting people gifts and it's funny when people say I'm good at it- no I'm not it's always something that has been mentioned beforehand in another context. Dh appreciates my gifts and uses everything but he is not a gift giver type- he is however always kind, ready to help anyone.. surprises me with a cooked breakfasts etc and etc often...

I understand you are paying a lot of attention to everything if it's getting serious with this man. Believe it's not always about being stingy. Inviting you out and not paying is the only weird thing to me tbf.

FlyingMonkeys · 20/07/2018 11:49

I would have been put out after the charity event though. Especially when he offered to take you out. At 10mths you could raise the idea of paying in rounds as suggested by pp? It'll either click with him to treat you once in awhile, or if he looks horrified at the notion you'll know he keeps moths in his wallet.

Storm4star · 20/07/2018 12:27

Learn from his actions OP.... no matter what he says his actions will speak volumes

^ This. 100%

Djnoun · 20/07/2018 12:43

I'd bin him off, to be blunt. Not because of the presents, but splitting every bill fifty fifty. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I expect the man to refuse offers to split the bill.

KokoandAllBall · 20/07/2018 13:25

Insisting on splitting the bill when you had offered to treat someone - tight. Being given several gifts over months for self and kids and never once reciprocating or expressing discomfort with gifts and suggesting they stop - entitled.

At the very least he doesn't sound like your type of person. Your family enjoy gifting and treating and being generous. He doesn't. Won't that wear you down over time?

BackforGood · 20/07/2018 20:32

Why Djnoun ?
In MN terms, I'm 'old', but even when I was dating, I would not have expected a man to pay for me "because he was a man".

Don't get me wrong, the last update about the meal, sounds odd, and, personally, 10months in, I think I'd have relaxed into a 'one pays this time, the other pays next' rather than a 'split the bill every time' thing, but that cou easily just have become a habit, and he may well be happy enough to move to another way if OP suggests it.

The present though, I agree with Nona. It wouldn't occur to me to bring presents back from holiday for people, however long I've known them and however fond I am of them. It's just not something we do. No reason to feel silly, OP, if that is what you do, but it is odd to expect everyone else to be buying presents left right and centre.