Am i fighting a losing battle?

[mumky2013]

My dh and I have been fighting a lot. I have had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety in the past which have made me very messy and unorganised. I understand why he gets annoyed sometimes, but I'm trying so hard to change myself, and sometimes I slip. I recently found out I was pregnant with baby number 2, and we are on an average low wage between us. If I leave work, and stay at home, we would be ok because we wouldn't have to pay for childcare, but dh doesn't want us to struggle and wants to go on holiday and have days out with our ds (4). Ds has asked for a baby for Christmas because he doesn't want to be on his own anymore. And it breaks my heart. But dh wants me to have an abortion until we earn more money. I try to do the right thing but this is breaking my heart so I am very snappy sometimes with him. I want him to understand that I'm upset so sometimes I just go and cry because I've got a human growing inside me that I want and love, but he doesn't want them. Am I fighting a losing battle? Should I just give up on the baby and him? Should I keep fighting for him? I just don't know what to do. :'( x

Don't have an abortion that you don't want because he's telling you to.

I feel like I either lose my baby or him. And he is my ds's dad and I love him. I just can't seem to figure out what to do. I don't want to split my son's life in half, I don't want to break up our family, but if I keep this baby, that's what will happen. But I think when they baby is born or even when dh hears the heart beat, he might feel the same. But he won't come with me. X

If you abort the resentment you will feel towards dh will finish it anyway imo.
Claim benefits if you have to until the dc are in nursery /school and its easier to work.

Our ds is in school now, so we only pay for after school club for him. I suggested this to dh and he said we were better than that and he didn't want to go backwards. Like I said, feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I'm so torn. I'm only 9 weeks, but it's going so fast. Thank you for responding xx

Someone I know aborted because of this bit ended up losing any feelings she had for him so got divorced

By the sounds of it, whatever I do, I'm losing my dh...

He doesn’t sound worth keeping given his current behaviour.

How old are you? Is fertility a factor?

Did YOU want DC2? Have you found being a parent has helped or worsened your mental health?

DC may say they want a sibling, or more siblings, but may not like the reality! And their views are far less important in the decision than yours and DH’s.

Now you’re pregnant it’s solely your choice.

I'm 27, had cancer 2 years ago and was heartbroken when they said I couldn't have anymore. Now I am, and I'm over the moon, but the dampeners have been put on because of this. Dh is 9 years older than me and says he wants to wait, but for how long? And what if it doesn't happen again? I'm really confused. My mental health went downhill because I had postnatal depression, but I'm trying to pick myself up off the floor, but dh says he waited long enough and I just need to do it or he's leaving. And Everytime I slip up on anything, he threatens to leave or says he doesn't love me or want a project.

OK so fertility is potentially a factor. Male fertility is also affected by age, eg older fathers’ partners have increased risk of not conceiving, miscarriage and certain conditions.

Well then, call his bluff and tell him to leave. If he doesn’t want to be in the relationship or treat you well, why would you want him?

If you do keep the baby, or even if you don’t as you already have DS, you will probably be a single parent. Lots of women do that and they and their DC are fine, but obviously it’s hard too.

I think given the circumstances, you shouldnt abort. It sounds pretty clear that you want to continue with the pregnancy and have dc2.

Your dhs attitude stinks and youre in a realy horroble position. Its fine for him to express that he would rather not have dc2. But i think most decent men would try to keep out of swaying you too much and just promise their support. He does realise it wasnt a miraculous conception doesnt he?

Fwiw I am normally on the side of terminating. Often women post in pretty horrific conditions where bringing a child into the picture just sounds really really tough if not dangerous, etc. Not having much money isnt that, its basically a lifestyle dispute.

My mum is a single parent to 2 sets of twins and I know she struggles but they're happy. So I know it would be ok. Just need to work out what to do. Thank you all. Xxx

Everytime I slip up on anything, he threatens to leave or says he doesn't love me or want a project.

And you're worried about loosing this "amazing" specimen of a man because?

Not to mention he clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings on the matter, wants you to abort because that's HIS decision. Forget the fact you say you love and want this baby, your mental health could suffer as a result of an unwanted abortion and last but not least you could potentially be unable conceive again due to previous diagnosis...

I think termination, and LTB, would be the most sensible course of action, for practical and financial reasons, as it’d be much easier to be a single parent with one school age DS than DS and a newborn, but OP clearly doesn’t want to terminate and shouldn’t do so just because her H wants her to.

That's what I think. If I keep the baby and he leaves, I don't care if he doesn't want to bother with them. I would do it myself. But I know it's that he doesnt want one. He wants to go on holiday to Spain and Greece and things before he's 40, I just want to have a family and enjoy our time together. I didn't go abroad until I was about 11 and loved camping! Things like that dont bother me. I would rather have my beautiful family than have millions of pounds and stuff.

I think I need to talk to him tonight and sort this once and for all. If he's going to continue threatening to leave, I have nothing to lose. He needs to hear how I feel, but actually listen to me.

From what you describe your relationship was already precariously rocky before your pregnancy news. If you want this baby then don't abort to "save" your relationship because it really doesn't sound as though he's committed to you anyway - "Everytime I slip up on anything, he threatens to leave or says he doesn't love me or want a project."

Congratulations on your pregnancy

Thank you ❤️ one way or another, I will work out what's right. I'm getting morning sickness, but Everytime I'm sick, it makes me smile because I know why. Strange I know. Just wish I had some support. But can't have everything I guess. Xx

It sounds like he doesn’t respect or care about your feelings. You had cancer. Thought you couldn’t have more kids. This pregnancy is a blessing surely? A miracle! After seeing you go through cancer, he still bangs on about money and having material things and would end your baby’s life for that. Surely you’ve been through too much to be treated like this. Decide what you want. I personally think you deserve better than this selfish man.

Thank you. It makes me feel so much more confident in what I want hearing this from you all. I think my self confidence is at an all time low and I just need to believe in myself and my opinions more. He keeps saying 'just because you want one, is not a reason to have a baby'. And says that by choosing to have this baby, I'm making my ds not have the things he should be having like football training and things.

I am marrying a man who suffers from depression and anxiety and no it's not easy living in the same house as someone who can have episodes that can last for days or weeks. You want to avoid anything that can make the condition worse and in this case he thinks a baby would. Having said that it's his choice to be with your and it's not fair to make you feel that you are his project and he has to put up with anything.

You didn't choose to suffer from depression, my partner didn't, nobody does.

You may love him but never let him make you feel like you're the 'broken' one who causes all the trouble in your relationship because you can have bad days. Hey may forget sometimes and get annoyed with you because he's only human and that's how it works. You love the person but you hate the depression. However if that's his ongoing behaviour you have to reevaluate what you want from a relationship. You're worthy of someone who will love you and will learn how to live with the condition and support you along the way.

It sounds like emotion has overtaken and you are really bonding with your baby. Make a list of the negatives and positives of having a baby and come up with a plan of action on how you will overcome the negatives. Then sit down with your DH and have a calm and adult chat about it. If he realises that you are willing to try things to improve your lives then he might be more open to discussing everything. It might be that this is his defence mechanism to try and protect your family life and stop your condition from getting worse which makes him act like a bit of an asshole. You know him best and you will be able to tell the difference if you talk calmly about it.

It’s quite common for people who have been through cancer to feel low and suffer from depression. Are you getting help? Counselling? It’s a huge deal. I’ve got boys and none of them like football. Is football training a good enough reason to have an abortion? Not in my books. Plus normally football comes with school. You get access to that for free. School team training etc. Sounds a very weird thing to say as a reason to get rid of a baby.

Wow you've been through so much already you must be a strong person.
It sounds like you've made your mind up now and seems like you're doing the right thing. I'm probably choice but being pressured into having an abortion you don't want is terrible. Maybe he will come round, maybe not. If you feel like you need some reassurance after you've spoken to him him come back here!

*pro choice

After our conversation, he has said he doesn't want a baby with me. I'm too much work. I know I've put him through a lot over the last 7 years, but we've been through a lot together. I guess I overestimated how much he cared. So it looks like regardless as to my decision about the baby, I'm a single mother. And in all honesty, I would rather bring up my children, knowing that I gave every minute to them instead of spending time trying to fix something that wasn't going to work. So he can see the baby if he wants, it's his child after all. But if not, that's fine. I have my ds with him and he would be in his life but I am more than happy to raise this baby alone. I would never force him to spend time with them. X