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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am i fighting a losing battle?

51 replies

mumky2013 · 19/07/2018 14:37

My dh and I have been fighting a lot. I have had a lot of problems with depression and anxiety in the past which have made me very messy and unorganised. I understand why he gets annoyed sometimes, but I'm trying so hard to change myself, and sometimes I slip. I recently found out I was pregnant with baby number 2, and we are on an average low wage between us. If I leave work, and stay at home, we would be ok because we wouldn't have to pay for childcare, but dh doesn't want us to struggle and wants to go on holiday and have days out with our ds (4). Ds has asked for a baby for Christmas because he doesn't want to be on his own anymore. And it breaks my heart. But dh wants me to have an abortion until we earn more money. I try to do the right thing but this is breaking my heart so I am very snappy sometimes with him. I want him to understand that I'm upset so sometimes I just go and cry because I've got a human growing inside me that I want and love, but he doesn't want them. Am I fighting a losing battle? Should I just give up on the baby and him? Should I keep fighting for him? I just don't know what to do. :'( x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 19:13

Whilst I have no issue with termination
..I don't like his threats to leave if you have the baby and that in itself would make me lean towards telling him to leave.

If you terminate..
You'll resent him anyway so the marriage will be damaged regardless.

SandyY2K · 19/07/2018 19:17

he has said he doesn't want a baby with me. I'm too much work.

So he was lying about not wanting a baby right now then.

Well whether he likes it or not he's got to pay child support.

Original poster
mumky2013 · 19/07/2018 19:18

Honestly, I don't want it. He can pay it for ds. But if he wants nothing to do with the baby, I don't even want him to pay for it. X

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 19:19

Very sorry to hear this. Please seek RL help to move towards living apart asap, and legal and financial advice.

Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 19:20

Not seeking maintenance would be irresponsible and poor parenting: your DCs need the money.

Original poster
mumky2013 · 19/07/2018 19:30

I just don't expect him to acknowledge something he didn't want in the first place. I'm making this decision for myself, my son and the baby.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 19/07/2018 19:33

Yes, because it’s your body and now 100% your choice, but he has responsibilities, including financial ones, too.

HelenUrth · 19/07/2018 19:38

You poor thing. It sounds like he's not going to be around for much longer no matter what you do.
He was happy to sleep with you knowing what the consequences might be, and after all you've been through, he's putting it on your shoulders.
Do what's right for you. And best of luck x

Nofilter · 19/07/2018 19:48

There's no way I would abort this baby under the circumstances! It is your body... you will never get over this if you proceed...Thanks

Original poster
mumky2013 · 19/07/2018 20:18

Thank you all for the amazing advice. I don't have many friends and am not geographically close to my family. So it means a great deal to have all of this support. Xx

OP posts:
Arum51 · 19/07/2018 20:37

You've survived cancer, so you already know you're a tough auld bird Grin

Tell him to leave, and start preparing for your new baby. Yes, he has to pay maintenance. He got you pregnant, remember - he had a very active part in this situation! It's not the Immaculate Conception.

Could you think about moving nearer to your family, would they be a support?

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

beyondthesky · 19/07/2018 20:39

I think separation is the right decision. You cannot live with someone who threatens to leave every time he doesn't get his own way.

Original poster
mumky2013 · 19/07/2018 21:55

I made a promise to him when we had ds that I wouldn't ever take him away if anything happened to us. Which I won't. I just wish I was closer to family. X

OP posts:
bertielab · 19/07/2018 22:00

Do it alone and do it well.

Well done and congratulations on your gorgeous little baby. Each one is a blessing.

(If he doesn't want a baby, he shouldn't have created one).

eightfacesofthemoon · 19/07/2018 22:44

Start being selfish. If not for yourself. For your children.
If he found you too awful and didn’t want another child then why wasn’t that communicated to you.
Was he just happy that he thought you could never have another child and then pretended he was sad about that to make you feel better?
If so that’s some serious lack of communication and trust and team playing.

Bettyooops · 19/07/2018 23:20

You can do this 💕

L0UISA · 19/07/2018 23:29

You neee to claim child support from him . It’s not for you, it’s for the kids.

Go to citizens advice and find out your rights.

Do you own your house or rent ? I see you are working, so you need to find out about maternity pay / leave and think about childcare.

HollowTalk · 19/07/2018 23:32

You have a lot of thinking to do, OP.

What happens if your partner comes to pick up your son? Your new child will be there. Will he ignore that child? Will the child know that's his father? Can you imagine the stress for the new child of knowing his father wants to see his brother but not him?

As for not paying - he has to pay for the child. It's not for you (obviously) - it's for the child's welfare. Don't even think of telling him he doesn't have to pay.

HollowTalk · 19/07/2018 23:33

If he is not prepared to support you and he isn't prepared to see the baby, I don't see why you shouldn't move back to family.

callywags · 20/07/2018 05:01

I think you are amazing OP

Keep strong, beside the new baby it does sound like he used "leaving you" as a threat, which would be reason enough to end it with him.
Your baby and son, will have an amazing life because their mother loved them so much, you will be able to do this, you sound like an amazing person, and your babies are lucky enough to have you. Your DH does not know what he is throwing away, is there a way to move closer to your family so you have support for when bub arrives x

lottiesco · 20/07/2018 14:52

I think it sounds like your husband is being sensible. Bringing a baby into this would not be a sensible thing to do.

Original poster
mumky2013 · 20/07/2018 16:37

Perhaps you think hes being sensible, but i know hes being hurtful. And it was only a couple of weeks ago he was saying if it happens, it happens and we would do it together. Emotional blackmail is how someone has described it.

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 20/07/2018 16:47

When it comes to child maintenance I think you need to get this idea out of your head I just don't expect him to acknowledge something he didn't want in the first place.

He had unprotected sex with you. Maybe you were both willing to take the risk because you thought the cancer treatment meant pregnancy was unlikely. You were happy with the situation if you got knocked up so you choosing not to use contraception is fine. He did not want another baby and so he was fuck stupid not to use contraception.

It is not OK for you to say the choice to have a baby was against his will. It is outrageous of him to use termination as a method of contraception because he didn't fancy using condoms or having a vasectomy. He's as responsible as you are for this preganancy.

Original poster
mumky2013 · 20/07/2018 17:05

We were willing to take the risk because a couple of months ago, he said he would be happy whatever happened. And now hes changed his mind. The decision would have been a choice for us to make as a family, until he decided he didn't want to be a family anymore, purely because of my emotions and his lack of ability to save money. I am not going to terminate a baby that will be loved unconditionally, just because he has 'changed his mind!'.

OP posts:
nearlyfiftyjeez · 20/07/2018 17:17

He wasn’t committed to you or your little family in the first place. You would have been in a far rockier place hani g terminated a much wanted baby and he spends his life threatening you that he will leave (abusing you) and then eventually following through no doubt when the moment suited him.

You have been to hell and back already, there is nothing he can do to dent your strength and self belief.

Move back to your family for support and help Op, and old friends it will be best for your dc. He may want you to stick around but he hasn’t kept his side of the agreement.

Put yourself and children first go back home where are loved, supported and cared for and start a new chapter without him.

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