estranged dd and cancer

[herewegoagainpleaseno]

advice needed.
I have cancer, it has spread, despite major surgery and chemo.

my dh has been amazing , loving and caring, totally supportive throughout.

my dd (over 50) has always had dramas and crisis through her adult life, invariably bringing us into the many problems.

too many to go into here.

dh has always, throughout our 30 year marriage "forgiven" her the mental/ physical and financial abuse, but this time he has had enough.

last year once the last tests scans etc came in, after major surgery, and was told it had spread, dd came with her "partner" who abused intimidated and threatened us, almost as though they wanted to control us as we were so weak and vulnerable
.it was an awful time, leading to them storming out of our home with no word or looking back or apology.

I need closure before it is too late, and will be seeing dd today for the first time since that day.
her "partner" has gone.
dd is alone again, she has always had abusive relationships despite advice and support over the years.
I need closure,but today dh and I have had a massive argument, he says I am disloyal to him as he bore the brunt of the last abuse, threats to "beat him up" etc.
he is a gently soul and wouldn't harm a fly, that was why they caused such distress as they saw him as "weak" but he is far from that.

anyway.
in a couple of hours I am due to meet dd.

I am in the middle.
do I cancel and stand up for dh, which I want to do.
or do I see dd which is what I want to do.

Why did your dd's partner threaten you and your dh? That's awful.
Don't cancel, that will not resolve anything.
Tell your dd exactly how her and her partner's behaviour made you feel. Even if she reacts badly, she will hopefully think about the way she has behaved.
I am sorry for your diagnosis op.

I recall the previous long-running thread about your DD who was as abusive if not more abusive to you and especially your DH. Given how he stood by you in spite of the horrendous crap your DD pulled, I think he is right. You are being disloyal towards him and should for once stand up for him.

Are you meeting somewhere neutral or at your home/ her home?

Perhaps it might be better to write your daughter a letter than to see her. If she is known to be financially/verbally abusive and has no concerns about introducing physically intimidating/abusive third parties then both you and your husband need to consider what he might endure in the event that the worst might happen. If you re-introduce your daughter at this time with good intentions then it could leave him exposed to severe abuse at your daughter or third parties hands. Beyond that, going through what must be an incredibly emotional and frightening time will also leave you exposed to manipulation, especially if you feel driven to heal old wounds.

I am truly sorry you are both going through this and I hope what ever happens that your daughter does the right thing and doesn't make things harder xx

I’m normally not a DH supporter and would normally say “pull up your big boy pants DH” but not this time. Don’t risk losing your supportive DH for an abusive DD. You aren’t going to get what you want from her which is unconditional love and support. Cancel and support your DH but perhaps write your DD a letter instead. Explain how her behaviour made you feel and you’d like to see her before you become too ill. If she’s changed she will try. She’s got a lot of making up to do but your DHs feelings must be respected first here.

and I’m so sorry about your diagnosis. Be gentle with yourself and surround yourself with kind and supportive people

But surely you have the right to see your daughter? He doesn't have to be there, though I can see you might not feel confident in being on your own with her. Could a friend be with you?

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and the problems you are having with your family too. I completely understand you wanting to make peace with your daughter now. In honesty, I think you should do it, see her, because you clearly want to and now isn't the time for regrets.

The only thing I'm thinking is, was there issues in her childhood you wasn't aware of. It's just, you say she's always attached to abusive men and women who sustain abuse in childhood are usually drawn to abusive relationships. Perhaps something happened in her childhood you don't know about, and she is perhaps resentful towards you both as she has issues she hasn't dealt with, and they can manifest as anger towards those you feel should have protected you.

Sorry, it's just something I saw when reading all of the issues your daughter has had in adulthood.

I was on your last thread and have thought about you. Your dd was unbelievably awful to you and has been for many many years. She will not stop. You have given her chance after chance, your poor husband has put up with an incredible amount of abuse from her and her various partners, he has watched you cry and deteriorate because of her vile behaviour, so why would she all of a sudden start being nice? She had you and your grandchildren hiding behind your own front door due to the behaviour of her and her partner! Wicked cow!

Your dd is over 50 years old, plenty old enough to know what she has done, and is doing is wrong. She never gave a thought to what you were going through, both with your diagnosis and you supporting your very ill sister. I'm sorry that this may hurt you but I must say it: she wants your money. She has tried to cut your DH out of the equation already. Yes, she may be your DD, but she will never change.

Your DH has been a rock to you and has supported you, and I can understand him being angry that you are contemplating seeing your DD and inevitably taking another ride on the nightmare roundabout.

I would not see her. Let her email you. You do not have the strength for any more of this bull from her. Your DH needs your support now on this matter.

to you and your DH.

thank you.
dd is distraught about the events previously, she wants to heal herself too.
but.....this has happened so many times over the years, once she feels strong again,...she will return to her true self.
my other dd, is a kind and loving person, and will be with me when/if I see dd.
I did tell dd how we felt when her last partner abused us, she replied she is so sorry and wish she had behaved differently and "protected " us at such a vulnerable and frightening time.

we are meeting in a neutral place .

I did email dd a few months ago, explaining how dreadful it left us feeling, but basically her reply was to "sweep it under the carpet" and move on.
at least I have the total support of another dd who has experienced through the years the car crash of a life her dsis has had, in fact they were estranged for years due to a abusive partner her sister had at the time.
I have visited every aspect of dd's childhood, looking for reasons why she is this way.
she always said she had a happy childhood.
true she missed out on a fathers love, but she has always used me as her punch bag, always turning to me to pick up the pieces which I did.
but now, in my weakened state I can't have conflict with anyone.
dh understands this but will never forgive dd for the hurt and anxiety she has caused me for years.

I know she is suffering emotionally now, family members have turned their back on her, shocked at the last events, in fact my dsis heard the ranting on the phone.

Sorry it's spread.
And I remember all your previous threads.
I lost my DSis earlier this year.
It's truly a devastating time.

But.... you know what to do here.
Your poor DH is dealing with so much already, don't add to his stress levels.
Your DD is vile and abusive and only after one thing from you.
She will never ever be drama free and you know this.

Please support your DH. He has had to put up with sooo much over the years and has stood by you.

I can understand why you want to see DD but she will NOT have changed.
Sure she will put on a front for now.
To get what she wants (i.e. some money from you)
Please don't let her do this to you and your DH.
Stand firm against abuse. She does not deserve you or your DH.

I have not read your previous thread(s) and don't feel qualified to offer advice but I am so sorry about your diagnosis and that you are going through this. It sounds horrifically stressful. I hope however you decide to handle it that your DD is more gracious and considerate than she has been in the past and that you are able to make some kind of peace with her and enjoy precious time with your lovely DH.

thank you.
I know dd wont/cant change.
yes, inheritance did come into it last years abuse.
yes, it was so hard trying to support my dsis, who finally was released from her pain a few months ago.
but yes, before she died I found her son for her who was taken from her as a child 55 years earlier, and she died happy and content.
which I suppose has urged me on to find peace with dd.

ddh has been so wonderful, but is sad I am seeing dd, which I understand.
yes, no doubt she will continue in her pattern of behaviour, but this time, finally I will put a permanent brick wall up and keep it away from dh and myself.
my other dd has told her the same and will cut her off totally again if she continues in her ruthless selfish attitude.
dd will use anyone she can for her own means, she has affected my kind friends one by one in the past, and they don't want to know her.
but...as a mother its soo hard.

Let the past go, open your arms out wide, offer to hold her, say "sorry, I love you", then be quiet, look her in the eyes with love and mean it.

I'm sorry, as I haven't read your previous posts, I have no idea what's gone before.

All I can see is two people who are suffering, each in their own way. Because her behaviour clearly shows she's also been suffering.

Have you asked her out and out if something happened in her childhood that you don't know about? Her choice in partners seems that she's battling with something herself too.

Your husband loves and supports you, he'll surely understand why you'll want to speak to your DD, there's no his side and hers. If he's on your side, he'll understand you wanting this connection at this time, despite what's gone before.

vitalogy.
that's exactly how I imagine it will be when we meet.
I always loved her.
I will always love her.
I don't want to say you did this/that/ etc.
but I am afraid.
afraid that if I let her back in my life the turmoil will begin again.
also dh the best person I could have is in a desperate place today, afraid it will turn our peaceful life upside down again.

do people ever change and learn?
I don't know.
I am leaving now, I am so stressed.

No she will not change, but we can choose how we respond to people.

good luck X

Good luck.

She sounds like a sociopath. Be very careful.

You can love the person but not their behaviour. I understand both sides. I think you should make sure that your dh knows you don't expect her to have changed but that she is your child.

I am so sorry to hear your news. I was also on your previous threads.

Put it simply your daughter is a complete and utter nasty bitch.

Please do not let her drive a wedge between you and your DH.

From memory she wanted him out and gone so she could get her hands on what she considers her inheritance.

She will not have changed and it will not be too long before she reverts to type.

If you feel you need closure explain that to your DH. Don't agree to anything with your daughter when you meet her today though.

Is he getting any support? This will be an awful time for him too. I can understand why he feels as he does.

You're caught in the middle. It is unfair that you are being placed in this position, but completely understandable from your DH's perspective.
Can your 'better behaved' DD try to explain to your DH how turn you are?
I hope the meeting goes well, but from what you say I would keep the relationship warm but distant from now on.

I am truly sorry for the loss of your sister.

thank you.
I will be glad when I can go to bed after today.
my other dd2 drove me to see dd1.
yes, there were tears both sides, very emotional.
we chatted, had lunch, but both aware that we needed to talk and make sense of the previous events.

as expected dd1 became tearful..said she had simply "frozen" when her partner was nasty and cruel.
said she was so sorry and wished she had acted in a different way.

said she wanted to try to mend bridges with dh, and was so sorry he had been made to suffer at the worst time in my life.
she "knows he is a good man" and "hates herself for the past.
she left us for a few minutes to "compose herself".

dd2 told her to stop crying and act like an adult, now is the time to say anything that needed to be said.
dd1 "wants normality" to be mother and daughter as it should be.
dd2 warned me to be careful as dd1 puts herself first.

dd2 drove me home, dh was his usual self with dd2 and me.

he hasn't spoken to me since dd2 left at 6pm.
just answers a question but no conversation.
I will try to reassure him that (hopefully) seeing dd1 wont change our relationship, but time will tell.
dd1 is living with her brother at the moment, and dd2 is trying to explain dd1 doesn't "need" a man at the moment, but needs to work on herself , get a job, meet new people and rebuild her life.
only time will tell.
but for now I am so sad that dh is sad, but I needed to see d1 after the last couple of years of conflict, to make peace with myself at least.